To be with, or not to be with?

Hello all, I'm new here. I've been having some relationship issues lately. I have also been unemployed for the past 3 weeks, and have been actively seeking employment through all kinds of resources here on the web, so I thought hey, I should see if I kind find a place like ..... this....

I have been engaged since February of this year. I have only known the man I am engaged to since December. There is an 8 year age difference between us, which to me is not an issue. He has three kids from his first marriage. One, the middle child, the only son, lives with us. The oldest, to be 19 this December just moved in a few weeks ago. She's hardly around much, at work, with friends or with her own guy. The youngest lives with her mom, and we get her ever other weekend. Joe has had custody of his two oldest kids for several years. There has been problems with his oldest daughter previously, but she has seemed to come around, to mature a little. After our engagement, Joe told me he wished to not have any more children. We had been talking about kids since the day we met. He wanted to have three, now none. He has had children since high school, and the thought of our relationship not working out, and going through more torn relationships with his kids, child support (which his first and second wife completely took everything he had.....AND he had custody of the kids! There's a first!), made him re-think the whole thing. I wanted to stay with him, and I made the decision that I wasn't going to have any of my own kids, and that his would be mine as well. Things haven't quite worked out that way. I don't feel involved. Joe dodes on his son, who just turned 15 , to the point that it just makes me angry. Aaron, his son, gets to do whatever he wants. Joe says that he wants Aaron to have the best childhood possible because of all the crap he's been through, the fact that his mother never wants to see him (no birthday wishes, cards, didn't come to any of the surgeries he needed, she even says mean things about him-like not getting her a birthday present- to her daughter, who reports it to Aaron when she came to visit).....and these things can make it somewhat understandable. Joe however seems to think that Aaron doesn't really need to do chores around the house. In fact, he doesn't do anything , even home work. Aaron has a learning difficulty, mainly with reading, reading the words, and then processing them. He has LD classes at school, and all of his homework is done with those teachers at school. Joe has never enforced working on schoolwork at home to assist in the problem, so he simply stays in his classes....and doesn't try any harder than he should. Anyway, to make the longest ever story more short, I feel like I am starting to resent Aaron. I told Joe this, and of course he says I should be resenting him, not his son. After school, Aaron stays over at a close friend of ours house, where Joe picks him up after school. Aaron sometimes stays there on weekend nights, to play with his friends who live in the neighborhood. And he also does chores over at our friends' house. I feel that Joe feels responsible for things that have happened to Aaron, and feels extreme guilt. The child simply gets everything he wants, and has his dad wrapped around his finger. I discussed this with Joe last night, and he was so upset with me this morning, he didn't say goodbye when he left for work. In fact, he may be moving out. We have had other issues before, but this has been a long standing one. I feel bad myself that I can't act like an adult, and not like a child.....because I am jealous about the way Joe treats his son. Not to mention the fact, if I can't have my own children, and I am not to have input on the way our (his) kids are raised, how am I supposed to feel? He doesn't understand this. I am beginning to think that through all the obstacles we have worked our way through, in only just 9 months, that this relationship is not worth the effort. We both love each other very much....but I am just teetering on the precipice of mountain.....stay or go?

aliaslux.....

The decision to stay or go can only be made by yourself. All I know is that developing a relationship with someone that has children is extremely difficult. I know in my case I had a rebound marriage and we both had kids. The marriage failed and all kids involved got hurt beyond what any child should have to go through. Then, in a later relationship, my now ex girl friend never really integrated herself into my life with my kids, even after over 2 years. She was fearful of the kids getting hurt again. But, her lack of any involvement in my kid's lives was a major source of retriggering my depression as I realized that she did not want the relationship to move forward. And, I think my kids felt a bit rejected, or that she din't like them because she was never around. I invited her a lot of times and finally stopped because there was always one reason or another that she couldn't be there.

I share this with you to say that kids, especially kids that have already lived through one divorce, don't deserve to suffer the fallout of a failed relationship. You got engaged awefully quickly which is a bit of a red flag for me (I've been there so I know). Whatever you do I would SLOW things down. You can hold off on a final decision to marry (afterall that is a decision for life). Maybe you could reevaluate whether you want to live together. Maybe take a time out living together and see if the relationship still grows and flourishes.

How long has your fiance' been divorced? If it has not been that long then he needs more time. More time to sort things out as the time immediately following a divorce is VERY chaotic.

Lastly, I would shy away from making any comments about how your fiance' parents his son, unless of course he asks you first. This is a NO WIN situation for you. Maybe you would handle the situation differently, and clearly you see it more objectively... but the boy is his son. Interfering in your fiance's parenting style will only get you in trouble.

Please be careful because I think a 15 year old young man is at a tough age and he needs his Dad. And he surely doesn't need the chaos of a potential second broken marraige for his Dad. Better to slow it down and take a step back now rather than have it blow up later.

I appreciate your comments/advice. I moved back to the area I am now in after 10 years. I don't know anyone except for Joe and his friends (and my father is also in the area)....so I get a little lonely and fed up sometimes when I really need to vent, talk to, or just listen to someone else's thoughts for a while. I made the mistake of making Joe my whole life, and I haven't even tried to branch out to see what the arts community is like here now after all these years. Joe and I are very, very, different, and everything did move extremely fast....I was excited that (after two serious relationships falling through) someone actually wanted me.....I knew what was going on, I just chose to not pay attention. I came from a broken family myself, and I still feel the reprocussions of that situation. At the moment, I am feeling very self-centered, and pretty much like an ***.....but I realize it is because I think I broke off more that I could chew so to speak. I think that Joe will probably move in with his mother, and in the meantime, we will try to work things out.....however, I feel that it probably won't. We are just too different. I will be 30 next month, which I have been really excited about, and now I have the feeling I will be eating cake by myself.

Aliaslux....

You are certainly not alone in jumping in to a relationship for all the wrong reasons. God knows I did that after my divorce. And, as a result I made a bad decision and it was a disaster. Then I didn't learn and went right into another relationship. This was also a disaster. Not because she wasn't terrific, she was, and is terrific. But, becuase my depression got in the way and I am no longer seeing her. Like you I invested everything into this relationship. Everything. So now I am feeling very isolated and very alone.

Feel fortuante that you are just turning 30. You have a lot of time. I will be turning 48 next month. And I know for sure that I will be eating cake alone. A far cry from my 40th birthday party when I was surrounded by my friends and family....... probably a good 60-70 people there. So much can happen in 8 years.

The relationship you were in sounded like it was a recipe for disaster. There is no rush. Take the time to sort things out and find out who you are and what you want. I wish I would of done that as my life would of turned out differently. But, it is never too late.

ltlredvett:

my fiancee' hasn't been married now for a few years. His second marriage consisted of a woman he met, and then later married 4 months later. Their marriage lasted I think for 3 years....that long only because Joe clings to every thread of hope since he has had a miserable life. Depression has been affecting him as well, and I didn't realize how much just until recently. He had become so distant, he hardly ever touched me anymore, hugged me....we hadn't been getting along. I had pleaded with him to please just tell me what was wrong. He told me he didn't know why he was acting that way....and finally one day I just told him the only logical reason for him to be treating me the way he was, was that there was someone else involved.....which mind you, I believe Joe to be one of the most loyal men on the planet....but I didn't know what else to think. He finally came out and just told me he was depressed. The holidays would be upon us soon, and for certain reasons, involving family members, those times of the year make him deeply upset. I feel so badly for him. He is a very strong man, his love runs deep, and unconditional, but I just don't know how I can help him. He takes anti-depressants, but only one, once a day, or actually once a night before he sleeps....he's high strung and constantly worrying. I feel awful right now, not having a job, and with the way things are going between us, I just wish I could make it all better for him. There are just too many issues.

aliaslux....

I am sorry that you are going through a hard time. And, I can certainly relate to "having too many issues". God knows I have more than my share. But, I think the reality is taht the vast majority of my "issues" if not all of them stem from my depression. Once I get taht under control then I am confident my life will be back on track. I am getting help and I think it is starting to "kick in". I think my biggest worry is that one day I will be all better and I will realize that I lost the love of my life as a result of my depression. Don't know what I am going to do if I have to face that reality. I really don't know.

Aliaslux... I'm pretty new here too. Just a couple of quick thoughts... I'm browsing all over here to get some ideas about my situation too.

Your fiancee may not have really come to terms with his past, and may be in a pattern where he's always repeating his past actions because he doesn't realize or understand he needs to approach the problems in a different way.It's hard to solve problems using the same thinking pattern that was there to start the problems.

Second, if you are at all unsure of anything, then perhaps your intuition might telling you something. This time/situation might not be right for you... you might not be ready or able to tackle a marriage yet. Doesn't mean you'll never be together or that you won't be married, but the stress of his life will affect you too. It's hard, and you could become his emotional sponge and you might end up being resentful.