[hurtandconfused29]

Hi I am new to this so I don't really know what I am doing so here goes nothin....My husband and I have been married for 6 months but we have been together for 3 years now. I love the man with all of my heart but lately I haven't been happy.

My husband drinks everyday (minus his days off) and while I might not have a problem with a few beers after work, he gets drunk everytime. I have noticed lately that he has been very unhappy at work and no matter what I say or do it doesn't help him. He starts (verbally) taking out his anger on me. He tells me what is bothering him but if I don't have a solution to his problem it all gets turned around onto me.....I spend too much money, I don't listen, I care more about my friends than him, etc. etc.

I have expressed my concerns to him when he is sober and he just laughs and says he doesn't do that. Last night (i work graveyard shift) I was sleeping for a total of three hours when he woke me up to talk to me about work, I listened and told him that no matter what decision he made regarding a change in jobs or not I would back him up 100% and it was his decision to make. He didn't like that answer so he began yelling at me and telling me i only talk to him when I need something. I tried to go back to sleep knowing this would only be worse if I argued and he made enough noise to keep me and half the neighborhood awake.

Then as I laid in bed I started thinking about all the times him and I have been intimate and realized I can count on One Finger how many times he has had sex with me sober. Is it me? I am overwheight but I was when we got married.

I am very depressed and have been contimplating a divorce...am I jumping the gun? I can't live like this forever...I am depressed and sick to my stomach and don't really know what to do. I don't want to leave him but shouldn't I put my mental health first? Please someone, anyone can you help me?????

Are you in therapy? Would your husband consider joint therapy?

I would record him when he is drunk and abusive then play it back to him when he is sober, see what he has to say then.

[lynn P.]

Would he be willing to go to couples counselling together. It's sounds like he could be an alcoholic or on the verge of being one. Is it possible with the help of someone you both trust - to intervene and nicely confront his drinking problem? Sorry you're having a hard time.

[Pomegranate]

Hi hurtandconfused, welcome to PC. It sounds like, at least for right now, your husband is having trouble with alcohol. I would strongly suggest you go to Alanon meetings and research all you can on alcoholism and codependcy. He may not be a "real" alcoholic, but his drinking too much isn't helping him with any of his problems right now. He needs to understand that. Couples counseling would be great IF you can get him to go. If not, go to counseling by yourself along with alanon meetings.

It's not your fault he's unhappy and drinking too much. And if you try to control his drinking you will only make things worse for yourself. His problems are his. They have nothing to do with how you look, what you are or are not doing, etc. etc. He needs to get help for himself. You can't do it for him. YOU can't make him any more happy than on the happiest day he has had with you in the past. Alanon and therapy would be a very big help to YOU and help you understand that you are not his problem. He is.

[hurtandconfused29]

Thanks everyone for all of the advice...i needed it...i have a cousin that has been going to alanon meetings for quite sometime and she swears they have helped her. I have tried recording him when he is drunk but it is wierd that he nevers seems that drunk..i don't know. Last night he proceeded to try to provoke me into telling him what an a-hole he was for things he said but I just asked him very calmly "why so you can feel better" then (magically) he wanted to have sex and figures that is a fix all.

I have realized that if I do the same thing over and over expecting different results I am insane so on that note I am going to get in touch with an alanon class and maybe there I can get more answers.
Again thank you all so much for the advice and if ever I am needed I think that you can email me on here (i'm not sure) so feel free my ears are open and my shoulders are wide.

Thanks again

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by hurtandconfused29

I have realized that if I do the same thing over and over expecting different results I am insane so on that note I am going to get in touch with an alanon class and maybe there I can get more answers.
Again thank you all so much for the advice and if ever I am needed I think that you can email me on here (i'm not sure) so feel free my ears are open and my shoulders are wide.

Thanks again

You're not insane for thinking that, and wishing that, different results may occur. But if you're seeing that they WON'T, then that's a good step in the right direction. I go to Al-Anon as well, and there is a lot of good help and support there.

You can only help yourself, not your husband - he won't change unless he chooses to do so, and no amount of effort by you can change him. Sadly. I want to change the alcoholic in my life, but I'm learning to distance myself so he doesn't hurt me emotionally anymore. I hope Al-Anon works for you, you deserve good things.

[Tamale]

It sounds like your husband is on the way to alcoholism to me, or at least he is going through a time of depression and dealing with it by abusing alcohol. My boyfriend of nearly 3 years is a recovering alcoholic (about 1.5 years sober), he never remembered what he did drunk and was horrified or in denial if I told him later. While he never hurt me physically, he did have sex with me and say mean things while he was drunk. I understand your pain and how you want to help him with all your heart, but you also want to protect yourself.
Everyone is right to say that you should go to Al-Alon meeting. You ABSOLUTELY should. I probably should have myself. You should tell your husband when he is sober that you think he Might have a problem with alcohol, but you are not sure how to help him and that you are going to Al-Anon so you can get some support for yourself and him. Also counseling like everyone has said sounds great.
I don't know how happy your were in your relationship before you were married or at the very very beginning of your marriage, but I think there is a real chance that you can work through this with your husband if you are both willing to work hard. If he is an alcoholic, then he has a disease and cannot understand how he is hurting you right now. Maybe try the therapy, counseling, or Al-Anon before a divorce.
I am about to read your "updated post" so maybe we'll hear something good...
love and hugs!