[msinfiniti]

I'm hoping maybe someone can give me some advice on what to do with myself right now. I've been having a sexual relationship with a man for the past 7 months. We met in July 2009 on a popular dating website. He's 29, I'm 38. We instantly hit it off & we see each other every couple weeks for a get together at his place. When we met he told me at the time that he was just looking for a "friend with benefits". I was looking for someone to date, but I was so attracted to him that I went along with it. I know that he has dated other women & I have dated many men since we met. We have great chemistry & every time we get together it is amazing. The problem I'm having is this, I'm totally falling for him. The sex gets more emotional for me every time & I know that he feels it too. Maybe not as much of an emotional connection, but I know that he definitely likes me. We get along so well & are so comfortable with each other. Recently he told me he has also been seeing a 19 year old girl that he met on Craigslist. This is really bothering me. I feel very jealous & sad. He has asked me to get together with the 2 of them, but I just can't do it. We've been with another person before, but I can't bring myself to be with this girl because I'm intimidated by her age & beauty. I know that he likes her as a "fwb" & Its really bothering me. I also just found an ad that she placed on Craigslist for the 2 of them where they are looking for another girl to join them in the bedroom. When I saw this I became so anxious & sad that I couldn't stop crying. It was horrible. She labeled the ad "come play with me & my boyfriend". She even put up pics of them in bed. Ugh. I asked him the other day if he is actually dating her or just having sex with her & he said that she is too young to date & possibly pursue something with. If he is going to actually date someone he wants it to be someone that he might pursue a relationship with. So, basically, she's too young & I'm too old. He wants someone his own age because he is looking to get married & have a family someday. Anyway, I'm in love with my best friend with benefits & I can't handle him being with this 19 year old girl. I don't know what to do. I'm so sad. Any advice?

[Perna]

I guess you have to decide what you want? If you want a relationship, he doesn't seem like relationship material (whether or not you feel you love him). I would follow my heart and get out as it sounds like he's more into having a good time at the moment and into things you're not interested in (three-ways with gorgeous, younger women).

[babydoll233]

He is not for you.. at all... protect your heart and your body and dont see him again.. pictures of them on the internet, that is gross, he is just after a piece and he is obviously not happy with just one person... I hope you are using protection, who knows who else he has been with, sorry to sound mean, but run run run.... it wont have a good outcome, he is only in it for one thing.. you are better than that!

[msinfiniti]

I know you are both so right. I am just so connected to him & I really do love him. Obviously, I just need to let go & quit seeing him.

Good luck, msinfiniti.

[NuckingFutz]

You know the emotional pain you feel now, if you keep digging for dirt about him and his activities and continue to see him, that pain will get worse. He's hurting you so he can get laid. You deserve so much better. He is not even domesticated. There will always be someone to take the scraps mongrels leave behind, you do not have to be one of them. Make the decision to cut him off and let us help you through the grieving process. I betcha in 5 years he will still be sniffing for tidbits online because no decent woman would have him. My advice...stay with us through the grieving process, stay with us and blossom into the beatiful and loving woman that you are. We know how to give and receive love. Just keep posting.

[msinfiniti]

Thank you! I never looked at it like that. I've been thinking about his situation with the 19 year old & how ridiculous it is. I feel more sorry for her because she will probably end up getting very hurt. He's not going to give her anything real either. I remember being 19 & 'dating' older men & wanting more out of the relationship & of course, because I was only 19, not getting it! Lol. This 29 year old man is obviously not ready to committ to being decent with a woman.
We are actually suppose to talk today so either way, I'm sure it is going to end. Thanks for your insight.

[amante]

My advice is to run from this guy, he's obviously a "player" and he likes to use his women in the sack. You'll never get the right commitment you want from a guy like this. I would tell him you've met someone new and tell him it's over. I know you are connected and have fallen in love with him but he's not right for you. Love isn't painful and hurting, you deserve a loving healthy relationship. There are good guys out there that will be commited and faithful to you and only you.

[poisonivy81]

It sounds like you have already made up your mind, but i wanted to say that by ending it i think that you have made a wise decision. You deserve better than just a fwb. There are still good men out there that want to treat you right. This a**hole is only using you, and you are much more than just a piece of meat. I hope that you have been safe and using protection cuz this creep sounds like he has alot more to offer than just sex, if you no what i mean It will be hard to let go if you really do love him but better to do it now than wait and be hurt worse. Remember..
"if you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, than it is meant to be."
And from the sounds of it you are not meant to be with him. Keeping looking for your hearts' desire, and you will find it. Just when i had lost all hope of ever finding someone to love and understand me, believing that maybe i was meant to be alone as the "crazy catlady", my dentist asked me out. That was 2 years ago, and now we are married. The moral to the story is never stop looking for what you want and need in your heart. It IS out there. Never sell yourself short again. And if you learn from this experience, then all the pain was at least worth something. Good luck, stay strong, and if you need a date maybe you should get a tooth ache lol It worked for me

[marjan]

Run run run...why do you bother yourself and waste your time? safe your love and friendship for somebody who deserves it....
He just wants to play and the time that he found his girl, he will leave you alone heart broken....It's better you stop calling him and not answering his phones, then if he really wants you, he will come after you...if not, then you are free....you need time to heal and you will be fine....

[msinfiniti]

Update: I'm so upset. We were suppose to talk tonight & he sent me on online instant message earlier that said, "can't talk tonight. Sorry". I replied, "why? Did something come up?". He ignored me. Ten minutes later I texted him (mistake I know) & asked him again & said, "let's talk later please" & again he ignored me. I feel so silly & rejected. The first thing I could think is that he's going to be with the 19 year old which I know is a ridiculous way to think. I just feel so bad. He is completely ignoring me & won't give me an explanation. I would at least respond to someone & at least make up something if I didn't want to tell the truth just to be somewhat polite. He contacted me first! I can't believe this. I feel so stupid. Now he probably thinks I'm a crazy girl.

[amante]

first, he's showing you no respect by not responding and you are not being silly, your feelings and emotions are hurt and this guy is playing with them which is totally out of line. perhaps it's a good thing for him to fade into the background and disappear. It will hurt and you'll feel bad but in the long run this is best for you and you deserve so much more respect and caring from a man. Can you call a friend and go out to a movie and dinner to take your mind off things.

[marjan]

well...he knows what you want to talk about and that's not in his interests why bother!!!!
Save yourself some respect and dignity and stop talking to him even if he called or text massaged you, don't respond back and don't bring excuses for him....he's not worth a penny!!!!
Stay strong and cry alone but keep your head up!!!!!
you won't get anything from him....no miracle would happen....sorry to be so harsh, but that's the truth....
I've been there and I know how it feels....just cry it out and let it go...
meditate, dance, talk to a friend, exercise....paint, watch a funny movie....do something to get distracted from him....
my heart is with you
Marjan

[msinfiniti]

I still have not heard from him. I've been crying all day. I've decided to go to a Co-dependants Anon meeting later tonight. I'm hoping that makes me feel a little better. Thanks for you thoughts. I really appreciate all the feedback.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by msinfiniti

I still have not heard from him. I've been crying all day. I've decided to go to a Co-dependants Anon meeting later tonight. I'm hoping that makes me feel a little better. Thanks for you thoughts. I really appreciate all the feedback.

crying is good for you....just relax and meditate and tell yourself this shall pass....
If you read my previous posts, you will find out how misrable I was over the guy called Aaron....but now I'm totally over him and don't care....imagine what has happned? I've seen him in my dance class on Saturday after four month and he was so sad, he told me that he got dumped by the girl that he dated after me.....I felt bad for him....but I thought all those bad things that he told me when we were going out and how much drama he caused me....and at the end he walked into the class with the other girl without caring about me....
if you believe in karma, you will understand this....whatever good or bad we are doing, it will come back to us either in this world or next.....
relax and know that tomorrow is a brand new day....today you feel sad, but tomorrow you feel a little bit better and each day you get better....
Now, I met another guy and he's such a good person.....it took me around 8 month to get over Aaron, but it will happen eventually.....
This guy that you are talking about is such a jerk.....I don't see a bright future for him....he will end up alone and sad....and don't worry about being 38....and that girl is 19....poor that girl, she's there just to entertain this guy??? how ugly is that?
meditate and forgive both of them....there is so much into forgiveness....you feel better....and try to not attach to anybody....
As a girl, when we sleep with a guy, we get so attach to him very quickly even the wrong ones, then we try to fix them!!!!
relax....you will be just fine....
just stay strong and don't answer his phone even.....
M.

[msinfiniti]

Thank you. I have thought about the 19 year old & how he will probably break her heart too, but I can't help but feel rejected & imagine that he's avoiding me because he's involved with her. I try not to be so jealous, but it's not working. All I see is her youth & beauty. I keep comparing myself to her. He sent me a few pics of her about a month ago when he first met her because he wanted me to do a 3some & before thinking that I'm not into that, I thought that I don't compare & that I couldn't do it because I'd be too jealous. Crazy, right? I mean, he met her on Craigslist! The problem is, he is extremely intimate with me when we are together. He tells me how beautiful I am & how much he enjoys me & how it's so great that we have so much chemistry. It's been hard for me to say no to him. I'm such a sucker.

[marjan]

He is just a player....He knows how to make you feel wanted and then get what he wants from you.....plus, a girl who puts add on a craigslist is NOT a proper girl....you don't want to end up with STD??? do you????
this guy sounds like a problem and he's just trying to make you jealous.....
I don't compare myself with 19 years old....I'm 36 and still very young and beautiful.....I'm sexier than the time that I was 19!!!!!
I love my life in 30s more than my teenage life....even I like my body now more than that time....
why do you feel so insecure with your age? ya...if you sit down at home and cry over a jerk, then you look ugly and stressed and you get wrinkle...but if you go out and try something new and do some cool activity and meet some cool positive people, then you feel young and fabulous!
It's all in your mind.....

[VickiesPath]

I'd like to add something to this thread if I may. In the very beginning misinfiniti stated that they both were looking on a popular dating website for a "friend with benefits". They both began by seeing each other every couple of weeks and "hit it off" right away which made for a very enjoyable time for both. From that point on, things proceeded and somewhere along the line, they took a funny crook in the road and went off in a weird direction and then took a few more funny crooks and suddenly this guy is a jerk and is only out to use women for his own purposes and has no honorable intentions towards any of the women he becomes involved with.

Now, I am not into online dating nor am I a prude. But this was a mutually agreed-upon arrangement in the beginning which, unfortunately, went south.

I have heard that men need sex to feel love and women need love to have sex....or a reasonable facsimile of the same. Therefore, the feelings women and men experience in intimate involvement can become confusing at best.

So, I sort of see it as unfair to bash the man simply because he is choosing a certain lifestyle at this time in his life.

I agree that misinfiniti should run, run, run into the arms of her friends here at PC and let us comfort and support her while she recovers from a disappointed love affair. She is hurting and deserves respite. Anyone in her situation would.

[cajalion82]

I know it sucks...but you have to let go and let him do his own thing...no more games and don't let have the best of both worlds while you suffer for more.

[msinfiniti]

Okay, yes, when we met he told me right up front that he was just looking for a "friend with benefits". I went along with it because of our chemistry. I was dating a lot of men at the time. I was always doing drinks & dinner dates & really enjoying myself as these men were taking me out & possibly pursuing me. I was only sleeping with Matt, my "fwb". I was honestly out doing real dating in the hopes of finding someone who I could pursue something real with. Unfortunately, none of those dates worked out or went any further than 4 or 5 dates. I knew at the time that Matt was dating the same way I was & he was also looking for a relationship. I did NOT think our sexual relationship would have gone this far. It's been 7 months. I would have never guessed I'd still be seeing him. So, I ended up falling for him. Its my own fault for continuing to see him. I hate that I actually care for this man. I hate that I'm feeling this way. I guess because I have a heart, I refuse to believe that he feels absolutely nothing for me.I also refuse to let him not take any of the responsibility for our relationsip. Obviously, he just doesn't care enough to even be considerate to me right now.

[NuckingFutz]

I do not see this guy changing his tune. As a matter of fact, I imagine him putting others through the same bull you are going through...I see him hurting pretty, young redhead going through the same thing you are in the future. Take a look at my signature line. Keep posting!