well the door is closed - he's engaged to her

I love how you always come around to commanding the most from life Marjn. I am learning to do that instead of getting lost in sadness. It is a gift you have given me with your resilience.

Awesome news about the green card. Yahoo!!

I beleive that too Marjn. Always we need to be on the lookout for the other door. To love, hope, prosperity.... whatever the desire of our heart there is a door placed along our path. All we need to do is keep our heads up and our eyes open to see it.

Firstly I want to say wow to us for hitting 300 posts LOL... as long as this thread is helping us then I think we can continue to 600

Marjan you are such a positive person and you inspire the best from me (and from Sanity from the sounds of it!)

Sorry that you did sleep well Sanity.. hoping over time it will get easier.

I lost my dad when I was 17 (so 13 years ago) I think it helps that I have mum around and we can talk about him.. I made a dessert on Sunday.. last of the summer plums and a sort of custardy pudding... Mum and I standing at the bench being naughty and eating it from the pie dish.. she said 'dad would have loved this'.. thoughts like that make me smile. I would like to think that he would be proud of me and I think that he probably would be - I grew up okay!

I love "if god closes a door, he will open another door with prosperity!".. I makes sense and I think that if we can focus on the good and not the bad then we are better people for it.

Sanity you write so beautifully.. I wish you would write a book

Fingers crossed on the green card Marjan - I don't know much about it other than a movie I saw when I was younger called "Green Card" with Andie Mcdowell (spelling??).. was a romantic type of movie and still makes me smile to think about it

We can all get our lives and emotions back on track - one baby step at a time.

love to you both xx

Thanks girls for good feedback I'm happy to be a bit of help

I'm waiting for "LOST" to start....this "Dancing with starts" is taking over LOST....arggg....they are not even dancing well....bunch of people with cute clothes stepping on each others feet...that's what I see....then they got over LOST...

By the way....I wrote the 300th one....hehehe....didn't even thought about it....

you guys are helping me a lot in these lonely days.....

take care
M.

Enjoy Lost when it starts Marjan.
Glad we can help chase the lonely birds away.. It works both ways, you guy help me the same way xx

hehehe.....It just finished....It's getting exciting again....Four more episodes to go, then we get our answers....does any of you watch it at all?

I don't watch it - I missed the first season and never bothered after that. My little sister is addicted to it tho

Nope... don't watch it. too much violence for me.... the few minutes I saw and based on commercials. I am a big time Survivor and Amazing Race fan though.

True Belle...I think there is no way to stay happy all the time....
I think as we get older, the problems are growing up with us...

I remember a time I was telling my dad that economy is really bad now and this and that...he laughed and told me "sweet heart, economy is always like this up and down, you are just getting older and now you pay attention and it's important to you....before, when you were younger, you didn't care" then he told me stories when he had money problems and had to support us...and how new government after revolution made him to pay lots of money to them...I told him "why didn't you tell us?"...he said "you were just 10 years old!"....

I think this applies to other aspects of life too....how wonderful life was when I was a kid and I didn't care about any relationships....hehehe....wish I could get back to those days....

got to go to the dentist...hate it....

Totally agree Marjan... I with the latest down turn in the economy the question was asked "when was the last recession in Austrailia".. I though it was back in the early 80's.. but there was one in the 90's - I don't know because I was just a teenager.. no money worries when you are that age LOL

I think as we get older we appreciate the little things that give us happiness but can get wrapped up in the unhappiness easily.

Am trying to stay positive today have T appointment at 5pm.. so will hopefully walk away from that with a new lease on life, even if it is only short term.

Love you you both xx

and I'm warping up my work and sneaking out a little bit earlier....then I can hike tonight....

half of my face is still numb from the anesthetic dentist injected into my poor jaw! I think she used too much....It's been four hour hours now...

Take it easy Belle....I think we take life so seriously....see...all people around the world have problems....some have more problems than us....I think I'm just so focused on myself....probably, it's better to shift the focus to others....

when I was filing my tax return, I found out I just helped $10 Haiti earthquake last year...that's it....so awful of me....I should give more....hope I do better job of giving in 2010....well...I think government are covering up my giving by me owing them $1200....wish I was giving this money to a poor family instead....

take care
marjan

I am a bit scared right now. Just indulged myself in some verbal diarrhea and now I feel embarassed for it and the shame is playing with my head. I should probably go delete my post but for some reason I don't want to. Maybe I want evidence when I come down of what I did. Much of the last few hours are going to be lost in the fog otherwise. I haven't slept for a couple of days and am cycling rapidly all over the map right now. Panic attacks the afternoon, uncontrolable crying this evening and now racing thoughts and constant heart pelpitations.

Its 5:30 am here and I won't likely bother to try to sleep before I have to get my son up and off to school in a couple of hours. I have to get some work done too. I have put off making some calls for potential work contracts. Hoping each day this week that I would find a moment in the day when I could confidently do it without making a fool of myself one way or another. I just need an hour of clear thinking but it keeps evading me right now.

Sorry for the ramble but I am just afraid to detach from here. I feel like I am going to spin somewhere horrible if I quit writing. Maybe a hot shower will help. Afraid to try to meditate in this state. I may see and hear things to add to my troubles right now if I try. Breath. Yes... I need to breath here. Pretty shakey with the heart skipping like it is. Hard to breath actually. Okay.... going for a shower. Maybe a walk with the sunrise. No Babba.... boohoo.

my dear sanity....Just try to breath and you will be fine....don't worry about the verbal diarrhea or whatever made you embarrassed....we all have those times including people that you had verbal conflict with....it's okay....I hope you feel better soon....and crying is a good way to take the bad things out from your system.....I always feel better after crying....and I always think that there was a reason to be able to cry....and the reason is making us feel better

good do those calls for finding work....I remember I was so devastated to find a job....I start walking on the street and knock the business's doors and ask for their managers....they were looking at me like seeing a alien....then I was telling them my situation that I got to find a job within 10 days otherwise I would be deported back.....lots of people were so understandable and nice, I think they could see my need and my fear and my honesty at top of that.....I even got an interview like that....I was getting up 4am staring at roof thinking what I can do? and I got some interviews in a short time....and thank god, I got the job at the end....
so....don't stop....keep do what you do....I promise you...I promise you a good result....

don't worry at all....we are hear to help....

now...I have the news....the nurse has just called me from the doctor office....she told me that although I'm HPV positive, but the pap smear is negative....great news....I'm so happy....she told me most adults are getting this virus but they don't even know that, because they don't test it...and 80% of cases are getting cleared by the immune system within 2 to 3 years....she told me there is no need to be concern and she gave me an appointment to do another test....such a relief....finally a professional person talked to me nicely about this....she told me to not have stress too much, because that will affect my immune system.....and she suggest meditation....I think I need more meditation....

I just wanted to share my good news with you guys....

with love
Marjan

Marjan that is great to hear! More meditation... soon you will walk around in a meditative state - that would be nice hey

Sanity write as often and as much as you like.
I think we all use this as a way to keep in touch now more so than as a place to look for solutions. It's great and I wouldn't have it any other way. This is our online communication centre LOL

I write to keep in touch with my heart as well as you girls. We have become part of each others lives and I am grateful for knowing both of you.

Am I going looking for your other post Sanity.. I bet even if you think it's "verbal diarrhea" it will be beautifully written and the prose will be fantastic

Love to you both and wish you a great day xx

Thanks my friends. I am still pretty racy and manic but I did manage to do some work today. It will require some serious editing when I come down but it will be quicker than starting from scratch. I still couldn't call the potential clients. When I am like this I can't maintain a conversation. My speech is seriously impaired. I can't finish a sentence nor maintain my train of thought to speak coherently. It is very frustrating and trying just fuels the anxiety. It is any wonder I think I am dreaming to imaging working outside the home again. No wonder my brother laughed when I told him I was applying for work.

Great news Marjn. Thanks for sharing. So nice when you get a real person taking the time to talk to you who can help ease your mind.

Awesome to hear how well you are doing Belle. It is great to keep in touch with you guys through this thread. Nice to have people to just check in with every day or so. It is good medicine for me.

Survivor night tonight. My favourite night! I may have wait to watch it until I find out who is sent home to reduce the chance of me getting to engaged and over stimulated. I so get tired of pampering myself to reduce the effects of my junk. Oh well.

My vision is pretty shot from all the computer time lately so I better give my eyes a rest. Will babble in my journals later if I need to instead of rambling around PC. I don't need to see to write in my journal. Going to go out and cut the grass now to use up some of this energy. Geesh... better get going... its later than I thought.

Take good care.

Thanks guys....I'm so glad to know both of you as well....You guys are so supportive and now you are part of my day to day life....It's interesting that we are living in three different countries even!

I'm boomed so tired....I think I was overly happy today after hearing the good news....I had a happy hour with my friend for her birthday....two guys came to the bar and start talking to us....I was not into them at all....they were so young.....my girlfriend asked me if I like them....she wanted to hook me up with them....argggg.....so much pressure from everywhere.....what's up with people really....is it a bad thing to be single? I'm not a girl to just go after any guys who come in front of me....gosh....the other girlfriend joined us too....and they were talking to these two young guys....I left early, because I wanted to go to my dance class....I found out I prefer dancing to sitting there and talking none sense to two very young guys....one was 30 and the other one was 28....my girlfriend is 37, me 36 and my other girlfriend is way older (she never tells us her age....hehehe).....am I getting so old fashion? or I'm just protecting myself.....honesty, I think I'm even afraid of getting into any relationship.....I can't handle getting hurt again....Aaron doesn't come to the dance class at all.....very interesting.....Kevin doesn't go either....hehehe.....my teachers were asking about Kevin....I wanted to say....I'm not his mother....hehehe....
well....I think life is all our imagination.....
got to meditate

I love the way that you write Sanity.....have you ever consider writing a book?

with love
Marjan the meditator......

Marjan you aren't old fashioned.. you are protecting yourself (same as I do).. getting hurt again it makes me cringe so it's easier to keep looking for the one that seems most right to give your heart too

Hello out there... first time I have gone to the site and our forum hasn't been on the first page...

I hope that you are both doing okay and having a good weekend xxx

I am still down in the dumps but I am hoping that I will pull myself out this week.. can't stand the crying and feeling said all of the time.

Sanity - your garden is an inspriation (FB pics)...

Marjan - hope you have been dancing happily for the past few days

Hi everybody.....I'm fine....had a good relaxing weekend so far....as usual no man....hehehe....one of my girlfriend was here for dinner last night....I think she's very pretty and smart....She's 31 and she's a lawyer....she told me that she is on online dating and she was getting rejected by guys.....I couldn't believe that....she said she sent her picture to one guy and the guy told him "oh, you are not my type!"....or the other guy said "not for me!".....She was kinda disappointed.....I was surprised, because I think she has all what a guy wants...smart and beautiful.....but that's crazy out there....we just should not give up hope!
I didn't go dancing this weekend....more into home hunting....hope I can find something soon....yesterday I saw a home that I really liked, but then the area was not good....so disappointing
I'm meeting my childhood girlfriends for lunch today.....I'm so lucky to have them here in Los Angeles....we went to the same school from Elementary till high school....They are like sisters to me.....
Belle....stay strong and don't let bad thoughts ruin your days....life is precious and it's very short to waste it for a guy who left you.....just do something to cheer you up....do you like any TV series? whenever I feel sad, I rent some of funny or drama TV series, they are great distractions.....I particularly love "Lost", "Friends", "Gray's Anatomy", "The Tudors" and "Two and a half man".....

Guess what.... Marjn isn't the only one house hunting. I have decided I need to let go of my past by downsizing my living accommodations. I need to live more simply and that means letting go of this house. I can't afford it any more. I have been making myself sicker by trying to step back into the shoes of the person who could afford to carry a mortgage and maintain a house like this one. I can't afford it anymore and if I am honest with myself I am not going to be able to return to a big enough job to be able to maintain it. I also want to give my son a better change at an education. He is not doing well academically and there is a school back in my home town that offers trades training in the highschool. It may be just what he needs.

It is going to be difficult to lower my standards and find a place that will suit me for half the value of this house. I want to be able to take the asset I have in this house to flip into another home without a mortgage. It probably means a mobile home in a trailer park but where I am looking there are a couple of really nice parks set on a river with lots of privacy. I always said I would never live in a trailer park. Not only was I a snob but I always felt I needed to own the land my house was on. I am pushing those positions aside and opening myself up to the possibilities.

I need to accept my limitations and that means accepting I am not going to be making the big salary again. My business has all but died and working full time in a big job is just not going to be doable for me again. I can't keep pushing myself to try. Reducing my cost of living is the only way I can stop the financial pressure. Reducing the size of my garden spaces will reduce the stress of maintaining what I have built here. I will miss it terribly but it is way too much work for me now. The pleasure is getting lost in the strain of maintaining it.

My life could also benefit from a serious shake up. I have become far to comfortable living the way I have been especially since my ex left. Same is true for my son. We are far to settled into some dysfunctional lifestyle choices hiding away here in the corner of nowhere. No one every comes here anymore. They aren't ever invited to disturb my sanctuary.

It is going to mean that I need to ask for and take help from others. I will easily get overwhelmed and try to retreat. To not make the move. It will be easy for me to change my mind because of the stress that it is going to pile on me. I am planning to ask my brother to deal with the sale of my house. Ask a good friend to help with preparing the house for sale. I am not very good at asking for help or letting others help me. That is going to be hard but I know I can't do this myself. I know I will run and hide at the first sign of stress. And I know this is the best thing for me to do right now. I need to live within my means. I need to cut my living expenses in half and this is the only way I can do that.

I try to vision a new reality for myself. Living in a nice little place by the river and have a nice little job at the neighbourhood gas bar or something. A simple life that is more about living than making a living. Maybe I will even write a book or two. With the pressure off to earn a big salary I may just give myself permission to follow my dreams. I think I can do this.

Marjan... I am addicted to the "tudors" but have only seen up to series 3 on DVD Sounds like you are having a nice weekend.

Sanity - you sound brave and positive. I think that moving is a huge thing... leaving what you know for something different but it sounds like it could be a positive step forward, for both you and your son.

I wish you both luck in the house hunting

I had a bit of a shock last night... long story short Mark text me "I'm not okay. I don't want you to be the shoulder I cry on but I know you will be there for me. I miss you, I miss us, I'm so sorry"
It followed a message that said "I'm sorry about russell (the goldfish that died) I'm sorry about everything. You deserved everything and I gave you nothing. I'm sorry"

It was out of the blue and has thrown me totally. My heart is racing, and last night I cried so hard I couldn't stop.

I don't know what to do. Yes I still love him but I could never get over what he did.

I know that I said I wanted to see them (Him and Lisa) break-up so that I could see his pain.. but really I'm not that type of person. I don't want him sad/unhappy. I am gald that he has realised what a total F*** UP he made of his life and what he did.... but where does that leave me now...

Opinions ladies.. (be gentle though I'm a little fragile!)

Oh my...... a new twist. You can't discount totally the idea of getting back to him. I know that is what you are hoping. I would be in your shoes. So admitting to that what would you require to allow that to happen. He would need to be broken off with her. That's a given. Many a marriage has survived infidelity so its not outrageous to think your relationship could survive this. It would take work to restore the trust and to be convince it won't happen again. That won't happen over night.

So my short version.... Do you want him back and are you prepared to do the work to restore the trust? Is he breaking off with Lisa? Is he saying he made a mistake and wants you back? Is he prepared to do the work to restore your trust? What is he saying? What do you want and how are you going to get what you need to be able to trust him to not break your heart again? Can you ever trust him? Are you prepared to have your heart broken again if he does this again?

Its a sticky situation and only you know what you want and what you are prepared to risk. Don't throw a way an opportunity but don't walk into this blindly either. Maybe talk with your T about it. See if you can get an early appointment. You can't wait 3 weeks to talk this through. Its an emergency.

I have to quote you "oh my".. it's exactly how I feel

I still love him but to be honest other than him saying that he isn't okay and that he misses me and misses us... I don't know where it is heading.
I was worried that he had done something stupid (like kill himself last night) because I didn't hear from him.. I text him this morning to see if he was still alive and ask if I could do anything to help... He replied with "you already did. Why are you still so good to me when I don't deserve it. Thankyou seriously."

He doesn't deserve it.. He doesn't deserve me but it doesn't change the fact that I do still think I love him.

I can't have my heart on my sleave again.. it can't be broken again by him.. but would I always be expecting it to happen? I'd have too many worries and rules.. I don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I am happy that he misses me.

My mother would never forgive me if I went back to Mark.. and I'd feel stupid in a way.. after what he did to me would others look down on me as an idiot if I did go back to him.....
After what I have been through and I was coming out the other side slowly.. do I deserve to have a relationship where I worry all of the time that he could be thinking he doesn't love me anymore....

HELP!

Yes i think that I will try to get in to see my T earlier than 3 weeks away. I need to see mark in person first... there is a chance that I will look at him and feel nothing but pity for him.

Sanity....I think you are making a very wise choice....change is always good....and good luck with home hunting....I think that's a great idea to move back to your home town and be close to your family and friends.....and life is about living...specially living happily....if you are in a nice home, but having so much money stress, then that's not worth it at all....go for something that you can afford and take the pressure off from your shoulder....writing a book is a good idea....probably, you can write a book about three women in three different countries who found each other through PC and told each other everything without being afraid of getting judged....

Belle....can I say something? I'm so happy for you....It's good that he texted you....I told you so many times to be patient and wait....now it's your choice to do what you want to do....Unfortunately, Mark doesn't know what he wants in his life....well....most of us are the same, we don't know what we want.....but one thing....just be careful and don't let him to play between you and the new girl back and fort....probably, now it's a time to find out answers to your questions....I do believe in LOVE and I think it never dies....I wish you luck and let us know how you are....just be happy and be yourself and be true to both of you!!!

I was okay this weekend...actually I was getting better from the last week break down....but then last night I had my neighbor making so much noise and by 3am I knocked their door and told them....I wish I didn't do that....I'm so stressed now....so ashamed even....It's my bad choice to live here and my lousy decisions to not be able to find a good place for myself and then I complain about the noise.....this home is so old and just right off on high way, so what else I'm expecting.....and poor neighbor has to listen to my complain....don't know how to look at their face again....but I don't know what they do in this very small home that makes so much noise and it's shaking the whole home!

anyway....I had lunch with my girlfriends....and it was nice...They were constantly talking about their kids and for most of it I was quiet as I don't have any kids....then they start asking me if I'm dating anybody....I said "NO"....then one of them told me that she wants to hook me up with a good friend of her....but stuff that she told me about the guy is a no no for me but I said okay.....I didn't want to deal with their advices....so, I was such a good girl, just say okay I will meet him....The guy is on her facebook and I checked him just now....OMG....he's at least 15 years older than me and I didn't find him attractive at all....both my girlfriends told me that they didn't have any kinds of feelings for their husbands first, their love came after that....I don't know how that can happen....I told them I'm not like that....I need to have that Chemistry and either I have or not...there is nothing in the middle to give a second chance!!!!

This get together were suppose to be good, but it made me down a bit....tired of being single and the pressure from the society....It's like being sick and everybody asks why don't you get better?

Then I went out with the Realtor to see some homes....she could not open any doors because her digital key wasn't working....arggg...such a waste of time....we ended up not seeing any home!!!!

I'm mentally and emotionally tired and not having anybody to talk to is another challenge.....I thought probably it's good to go and dance....but as I was driving to the club, I found out I'm getting butterflies in my stomach and I don't like it....I didn't get off from the car, just looked inside to see who is there....well...He's not going there anymore....and I didn't see that many people....and I didn't go....I felt nervous going there and all the memories were rushing back to my head....this was a place that I met Aaron for the first time!!!!

sorry for ranting....I want my energy to get back to me....I might go to gym just for half an hour or so.....it's 9:40pm here!!!!

wish you both happiness
with love
Marjan

Thanks Marjan I don't know what I want in regards to the Mark thing. I am glad he is missing me and missing us but it doesn't change any of the facts.. but you are right. I think I'll get the answers that I have been searching for and that is a postive outcome not matter what happens.
I am meeting him for coffee on Wednesday night at this stage. The decision to see him will be mine in the end. I may just not go or I may.. I'm not putting pressure on myself.
My Mum would disown me if I were to get back together with Mark. I would feel shame at going back to him as well.. this thougths are at the forefront of my mind.

I can't believe that your friends didn't love their husbands at the start and that it came later. I am like you. I need the chemistry to even consider moving into a relationship. It's either there or not there in my opinion.. I don't really think it can 'grow'.
Sorry your friends put pressure on you..
The children talk but have been hard too.
I babysat my nephew on Saturday.. sitting there watching him all I could think about is "I want one of them of my own" (meaning child). Everyone around me that is close is pregnant.. I will take my fill from my sister's kids and my friends kids too I think

I'm sorry to hear that you couldn't face the dance class... That's a bit of a step backwards I think? Tell me if I am wrong but I thought you were okay going there now??

Anyway I need to try and focus and get some work done... so hard today!

Hope you have a good workout tonight Marjn. Sounds like a bit of a panic attack you had there at your dance studio. A workout should help release some of the stress. Try not to worry too much about your neighbours. It was 3am afterall. It is tough living in a place where people live so close to each other. I think it was good you expressed your feelings. Maybe if you went to talk with them in the cool of day it might make you feel better. Maybe bring a cheesecake to share with them and maybe you can move forward with an agreement about noise control. Its okay to ask and even expect certain accommodations. One thing the three of us have in common is we are text book people pleasers. It is one thing to be a nice person it is another to be a door mat. Best we figure out something somewhere in the middle. Be nice but don't discount your own needs and interests in the process. I think that probably fits as well for you Belle as anything more I could add about your situation with Mark. Be open to listening to him but only so far as you don't compromise your own needs and best interests in the process. Making other people happy at our expense is not healthy. Get in the habit of stating what you need and speaking up for yourself and you will discover it doesn't have to cost anyone anything. Quite the opposite actually. Even saying 'no way' can be a gain for everyone involved if it is done fairly and honestly. Who'd have thunk it hey.