well the door is closed - he's engaged to her

http://www.humanesociety.org/animals...pet_death.html

you know in my language, we call our dad "Baba"!!!
and I lost my Baba in an accident just recently....last night, when I found out your dog has passed away in an accident and his name was Baba, reminds me of my dad who got hit by a motorcyclists and died.....I can't believe that I can't see my dad anymore....and he was the first dead for me that I realized how life is precious and any minutes you can lose the one that you really love....then I thought that none of us will last forever....I can lose my mom, my sisters, my lovely niece and nephew and my friends....then I thought, I hope I die first....then I thought if I die first then they will suffer....so, there is no solution to it at all....the only solution is just live without thinking about it....and live one day at a time and be good to others....and treat them away that what if you lose them....
Again, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers....
I'm not having that much of happy days anymore....getting so tired of home hunting without any results.....and then not having a partner these days are kinda hitting me too....I feel so alone and hopeless....I know I should do something about it....but I really don't feel getting on the online dating site and I don't see any of the guys around me attractive or I don't see any connection with them.....last night, I went dancing and it was good, but I was so into myself, I didn't even wan to talk to anybody....I used to approach people and make friends, but I don't know what has happened to me that I'm not feeling to do that anymore....
I was talking to my older sister in England....and she's all talking about herself....once it comes down to me to talk, she says, oh I got to go....I said okay....she does have two kids and her husband is a good guy, but she's so miserable all the time, complaining none stop.....I think that's a nature of human being probably, not understanding what they have....
thanks for listening to my ranting....I got to go to gym now, then I feel better....
take care and tell your son that tomorrow his pain will be a little bit better....each day he will feel a bit better....day by day he feels better....
Marjan

Thanks for the link to the article Byz. It reinforced our responses and it helped me feel more confident about how I am responding to my son. I even mentioned to him today that we need to give the cats some special TLC right now. One in particular is searching and crying for Babba. I have talked to him about the grieving process to validate his feelings but I am also encouraging him to give himself a break with distractions. I feel much better while I am in the garden. When I stop the tears will come again but it is good to be distracted. I am prepared to let him stay home from school tomorrow if he is still feeling as poorly as he is today. I don't want to rush him but I don't want him to get lost in a depression either. Will have to trust my gut to know where the line is I guess.

Sanity I think that giving the cats extra TLC right now is a great thing. As well as them missing Bubba it will also hopefully take your son's mind off Bubba in a little way. trust your instincts as to the best way to get through the grief.

Marjan sorry to hear that you are having less happy days at the moment. being 'into yourself' is a good thing. If you need to just spend time with 'you' then it's because you need it to re-charge and find foucs again (IMO).

As for online dating... well it's a hit and miss game I think. Have made some good friends but haven't found anyone that I would like to spend my life with.... maybe I'm getting too set in my ways or being single and not having to answer to anyone or divide MY time. The only person that I did do that for was Mark and today feel pure anger towards him - silly I know but he just makes me want to scream this week again.

Big hugs to both of you and your son Sanity xxoo

Oh my dear sweet Marjn. I am so sorry for your own recent loss. It does remind you how precious life is and how precious every moment with a loved one is. I know what you mean about wanting to go ahead of loved ones to be spared the pain yet wanting not to cause them pain either. At the end of the day we need to accept that it is the natural course of life, though bare none the hardest part of life. Death reminds us to value our time with loved ones.

I am sorry you are having tough days right now. You sound tired. Why not take a break from all of it for a while. The house hunting can wait and man hunting certainly can wait. Try to enjoy being single for a while. It might surprise you. Let it go for a while and just see what happens. Life may surprise you if you let it just happen. Some things are just outside of our control and if we let go then doors open that we hadn't noticed before. Trust your hearts desire will be fullfilled in its perfect time. Being the best you that you can be is enough to keep you busy in the mean time.

I know what you mean about one sided conversation. I don't have so many of those anymore because I would get too upset. I have a couple of friends I talk with that I feel I can have a balanced conversation with so I stick with them. It isn't so easy to cut family off but if you know your sister is inclined to one sided conversations then the best you can do is know that going in and expect it from her. If she does give you some time then it is a bonus.

Thanks again Marjn for the support. Yes... each day we will feel a little bit better. Its a process and it takes time. Time now to head outside and put Babba into his final resting spot. I picked out a nice spot in the garden where we can plant something special to remember him always.

Plant something nice to remember him by - something cheerful and bright
I planted annuals over my dog... and changed them often so that i would always remember her by - wanted to get a little brass plaque with her name on it but never got around to it before I moved - sad that i had to leave her behind but she had all the things she needed (balls, her fav toy and bones burried with her)

Well he's layed to rest in the garden now. The one place he was never allowed is now his resting place. Kinda cool. Forgot to put in the one toy that he hadn't destroyed. Did wrap him in one of my son's baby blankets. Covered the grave with large rocks for now. Annuals sound like a good idea. I hit some really big roots and couldn't go as deep as I would have liked so a shallow planting will be necessary.

It was hard saying goodbye. My son didn't want to help with digging or wrapping him and putting him in the box. He did come out when I was ready to put him in the ground but he didn't want to help cover him with the dirt. He just watched. He didn't want to say prayers with me either. He is still angry I think. We are connecting regularly and talking so that is positive. Just takes time. Grief is a process. I keep saying that for him and for me.

Maybe we will sleep better tonight.

my thoughts and warmest softest hugs are with both you and your son xxoo

Thanks Belle. I think it will be easier now. Wishing you well.

my dear sanityseeker....you sound a little bit better....I cried 50 days straight none stop when that has happened to my dad and still I think about him every single day and I cry time to time....I found a way to cool myself down and that was by repeating some praying over and over whenever I was thinking about my dad....probably that would help for your son....if whenever he thinks about Babba, then he can say the prays till he cools down! and don't forget about the magic of deep breathing!

I took it easy today....went to gym and did a little bit of home hunting....not that much....but yes, it's so stressful now and I have no clue what to do.....
and I haven't done any man hunting for awhile....hehehe....I'm coming to a conclusion that I'm not good at relationships....I'm just fantasizing about it...about having a family of my own.....

I hope you and your son have a good night sleep tonight.....I'm going to meditate right now and I will meditate for you and your son too...

take care
with love
Marjan

Juat wanted to pick up on something you wrote Marjan.. It takes two for a relationship to work so it's not that you aren't good at relationships, just that you haven't found someone to share your life with yet that is the right person.

Thanks Belle...I hope you feel better soon

how did your weekend go? you didn't tell us anything....hope it was fine....I can see your mood is "lonely" same as mine....that's so funny how our moods change....but I'm sure we will get better....yesterday, I was alone the whole day....the only conversation I had was with my friend who called me....then I watched two movies....thanks to $1 rental from booths...that's why blockbusters are going out of business!

I'm getting better at gym....now, I do enjoy staying at gym longer even and I'm looking forward to get to gym....before, I hated gym! I think the personal trainer showed me how to use the equipments at gym....not sure if I want to have more sessions anymore, because he's expensive and I got to save money for my home!

hope SanitySeeker is doing good and had a good night sleep....

with love
M

Slept better last night but it was a long time coming. Missing Babba terribly. Tears hit suddening when little things remind me he is gone. The kittens are a real God send right now. My son and I were playing with them last night and I even heard him laugh. He noted that it was the first laugh since Babba. I told him laughter was good medicine. He is home from school today. He has homework he can do so hopefully he won't be so caught up in his grief today and will do some of it if only for the benefit of the distraction. I am in my office and it is hard to get down to working. I am so used to Babba being at my feet. In time we will adjust but it is still a shock.

Hope you are feeling better today. Blessings to you both.

I just got the email from my doctor....Unfortunately, the HPV test came back still positive...and he said he does not have the result of the pap test yet....I'm all in tears now....I think I was so hopeful and optimistic...wrong!
Now, I got to wait for the result of the pap....
He said it takes more than a year till the body immune system can get rid of the HPV....I'm so terrified now

Hi

Today is looking a bit better. I woke up not exactly smiling but it was easier to get out of bed (I know when I am down that I can't get out of bed where as usually I bounce out of bed in the mornings).
A little on the weekend just for Marjan
Went shopping with Mum on Saturday.. was great - has been a while since I have done that and it used to be that we would go every week just for mother/daughter time.
Saturday night went to the movies with Chris (nice guy but not relationship material so sticking to friends with the odd cuddle/hug thrown in ). Saw a movies called "she's out of my league" - was quite funny and it was nice to laugh.
Sunday just relaxed really.. read a book, made a cake and had a snooze in the afternoon. Perfect weekend really.

I think that exercise plays a major part in getting motivated to do things but if the personal trainer is costing the Earth then could you get him/her to just write out a training plan for you instead of having them train you?

I have Yoga tonight and after skipping last week because of being too tired (and regretting that i did skip it) I am going to enjoy tonight.

Sanity I am glad that you slept okay. I hope that it is getting easier and it will over time (as we all know it just doesn't feel like it right now)

I am so sorry Marjn that you didn't get the good news you were hoping for. We were all being optimistic and hopeful for you. How long has it been since you contract the HPV? I guess the positive side is knowing it will eventually leave your body right? Try not to obsess about it. That's what I would be doing and I know how self distructive that can be so I really hope you can calm yourself and renew the hope that next time you will get the results you want. Please try to calm the fears. Find the balanced perspective and let it be okay. I hope you get new about the pap test soon.

Take good care of yourself tonight hun. Will be thinking of you and wishing you well always.

I am glad you are feeling better today Belle. I don't think I have every bounced out of bed. lol. Hope you bounce out tomorrow.

I like to hear about your weekends too Belle. I get to live vicariously through you. lol. Then again... I do keep up with you on facebook too so I was already up to speed. Sounded like a lovely weekend. Oh and I love that we spell Mum the same way. Go Commonweath Nations. lol.

Enjoy your yoga session. I still haven't cracked the box on my Tai Chi DVD's. One of these days.... maybe now that the weather is getting better I will take my laptop outside and do it in my back yard. Good thought.

It is getting easier Belle. Still have spontaneous crying now and then as something triggers a reminder that Babba isn't with us anymore. My son still doesn't want to go back to school yet. It is so hard to know what to do to ensure he has the time he needs while not letting him get lost in his grief. All I can do is tread softly and be here for him. I keep bringing the kitties to him to help cheer him up a little. They make him laugh and laughter is good medicine.

Thanks Sanity.....I'm already cooling down....I was so upset at the time of getting the email from my doctor.....now, I just have to wait for the other test result...and have hope....well....there is no right answer if the body can get rid of it or not....there is a high chance and they said it usually get clear within two years of infection.....so it's been more than a year now that I know I've been infected! but probably, it was way before.....I really don't want to put more thoughts and effort into it....and I dont' want to talk about it anymore....I will go on with my life and deal with it as it comes....I can do nothing about it now.....and I dont' want to lose this moment of my life either....so...I'm going to my dance class

Thanks again for your warm words....you guys are great....
with love
Marjan

Good for you Marjn. Hope you had a nice dance class. Take care.

Ya...dancing was nice, although I was carrying some kind of pain with me, but I forgot all about it for couple of hours! I think I'm more scared for something that has not happened yet....I got to make myself so busy to not think about it and forget all about it....hope good come! Thanks again for your support

How about you? how is your son? does he feel better? I want to have a dog, but I'm afraid of these kind of situations too.....

My meditation teacher told us something very true....She said "Cause of dead is birth!"....very profound....by each birth, there is certainly a dead....so why should we bother ourselves then....just lets take one day at a time and enjoy it and do good to others.....I wish I could like everybody and not thinking negatively about anybody and anything....

with love
Marjan

I'm glad dancing was a good distraction for you Marjn.

We are doing better. The kitties are helping. My son is blaming himself not being here when he accident happened. It is irrational. He could not have prevented it. Babba would still have been outside with me. He would still have run after those kids on the bikes. Hopefully he will sleep better tonight and start to pick up tomorrow and be back in school again on Wednesday. It is all still so fresh that it is easy for tears to flow. Just tonight I was sweeping the floor and saw Babba's food bowl. It made me cry as I picked it up and put it in the sink. Little things like that remind me and make me cry. I take a deep breath and calm myself again trusting it will get easier in time.

It is a mixed blessing giving your heart to another. Whether a man, a child or even a pet. We are already in love with the kittens. It will be hard to give them up to others to love. Once you let yourself love you and let the blessings of love into your life you are at risk of heart break when it comes to an end. That is the price of love.

That is cool what your teacher said. Very true. I wish that too. To think only thoughts of kindness about others. I am getting better at it as I age. I think I am far less judgemental and more tolerant of differences. I really try to see things from other points of view and not assume anything. It is less stressful for sure.

Sanity I hope you and your son sleep well tonight.
Marjan thinking positively all of the time is hard. I think we all do very well to think as we do here on this forum
I just got back from Yoga and I am so glad I went this week. I didn't magange to meditate but just te stretching and being with other like minded people was great.

Images of 'you know who came' to me during relaxation... I had tears in my eyes but didn't let it get a grip one way or another... just let the feelings subside until I found peace.

Anyway off too be and hoping I can sleep a dreamless sleep tonight xx

I hope things are good for both of you.....

I slept well...I was so tired....I think sometimes I make myself too tired....but it's nice to have a good night sleep....when I got to bed, I heard my dad's voice calling me "my dear" the way that he used to call me....and I felt, he said it's okay....I slept well after that....gosh I miss him so much....the pain of losing someone is never gonna go!

There was almost more than three accidents on my way of work....no physical injuries....not sure why? there is no rain even...sunny beautiful day!

both of my dance teachers told me that Kevin doesn't come to the class anymore and they asked for his number....I gave it to them....they said he's gone to Texas....I hope he's doing fine....I just don't want to get in touch with him, because I don't want to give him false hope....Aaron doesn't show up in the class either....very unusual....but better for me....I need to heal and I hope I met somebody else soon....I'm going to sign up for online dating this weekend....life is so short and I want to have love in my life....not sure if I can find it online, but that's one way of it....

Belle....I know you want him back....but he's the poison in your life...he betrayed you, he left you for another woman and he gave you this much pain.....no friends would do such a thing....girl...you are better off without him....just stay strong....I just want to remind you all these....and I wish you could cut him loose!

I wish you all the best....
with love
Marjan

Hi girls.

Interesting how we are all in a time of grieving for one loss or another. It is a process unique to everyone. No one person goes through it the same as another. While adjusting to the loss of Babba I am accutely aware of how tentitive this time of year always is for me. My mother passed in April 1981. So long ago in measured years but so immediate in my heart. The first 10 years after her passing I would be consumed by the grief when this time of year rolled around. As the days of April unfolded I became increasingly depressed. It often didn't break again until late June only to be reignited again in August. Mother's Day and Father's Day just feed the depression that had spawned from my grief. Her birthday in August would offer its final blow.

A ceremony that involved a feast for the dead finally broke the cycle for me. It was then that I was finally able to release her spirit and stop the pain of lossing her from consuming me. Since then I usually try to celebrate her life on these anniversary dates. I will have a feast of her favourite foods and remember the good times. Remember how much she loved everyone and thank her for loving me. I usually invite my brother and sister to join me but they don't even remember the date of her death or her birth for that matter. They are always caught by surprise if I call. My auntie, my mother's younger sister always remembers and one of us always call the other to share the day and to remember her together.

So here it is April and I am in the early stages of grieving the loss of our beloved Babba and thoughts of my mother are flashing in and out of my head more and more each day. The temptation to grab hold of the sadness is growing. It tempts with the lie that it will somehow bring me closer to her. I know its a lie because I lived the lie for 10 years but still it tempts me. I want to hear her voice. I want to see her face I want feel her hugs. Before I sink into the loneliness I acknowledge my wants as wants I can't fullfill and I remind myself of what I can fullfill. I can acknowledge the blessings. I have found my own way to balance the grief with the thanksgiving. Life may not be what I want it to be but it is not without blessings. I allow the blessings to consume me. I acknowledge the sadness of my loss and give thanks for the joy of my memories.

While it is not exactly the same I think I have learned to do this when I start to grieve the loss of my relationship with my son's dad. When our special days come around and I start to grieve the losses I give equal time to thanksgiving for the time it worked between us. I can't get back what I had with him but I can be grateful for the memories he gave me. Those will be with me always.

With every loss there is a gain. With every source of sadness there is another source of joy. I am not afraid to feel the sadness like I used to be. Its okay to be sad about losses. Balanced with being joyful for the gains it is easier for me to accept the cycle of life and the cylce of love.

I am tired today. Sleep was not easy again last night so I guess I am on a kind of high alert to manage my emotions today. Worry wants to own me today amid the feelings of loss. I feel desperate to control something and do something to change my circumstances. I acknowledge the need as off balance and so I am taking things as slowly as I can to help deflate the power of the triggers and mixed emotions.

One step at a time is my mantra today. Just go with the flow and appreciate the now moments as they come and go. Its all good. I declare it so.

my dear Sanity....I know exactly how you feel about your mother, because I do have the same feeling towards my dad....and it's so hard even to accept it for me as it's been just about 7 months...oh god....I think I'm always living in denial....

last night, I found out my friend's sister has passed away....I don't know what has happened to her....she should have been in her early 40s....I just read the note on Facebook....I cried so hard for her....before, I was not like this towards dead....but now, I can feel how sad it's losing the love ones!

dead is for everybody and there is no way to get around it....

we don't know from where we came and where we go, but we know for now that we are here on earth.....so, lets just make this moment!

I went to gym at my lunch time...it felt great....I'm getting better in working out...as much as I go to gym more, I want to stay and exercise more....it really cheers me up....

One good news at least for today....so far both my manager and the HR accepted my request for green card....now slowly slowly they will start the process....they will even pay for the process....the previous job didn't want to pay for that...even I spent around $2000 for the beginning of the immigration process, then they laid off me....I'm happy that I don't work for those people!

in my language we have a phrase saying that "if god closes a door, he will open another door with prosperity!"

good bless you
Marjan