well the door is closed - he's engaged to her

Love to you Sanity xx you are a super birght star in my life xx

I am never discounting my own wants and needs again.. I think Mark will actually find a totally different person when/if we met up on Wednesday. I am different, more self aware and fullfilled - strangest things come from the bad side of life.

All three of us want/try to make everyone happy.. but all of us also now know that what really counts is making ourselves happy above and beyond others. and yeah who would have thunk it haha

oh the cheesecake is a brilliant idea....I might do that....I wish I could bake and take something to their door....they are nice young couple.....

It wasn't my dance class....It was the club I used to go dancing on Sunday nights and I met Aaron there....

GYM was good....I worked out for half an hour and my mood has changed already

Belle....stay strong and don't give so much attention to Mark....He doesn't deserve it....if he really wants you, he got to do something for it and he got to gain your trust back!!!! let him to be the beggar....and he will be

got to sleep now....hope I can meditate a bit before getting to sleep....

Sleep well Marjan xxooxx

I love cheesecake. Used to have a great recipe book that was all cheesecakes. Yum!! Who know.... this nice young couple may have a nice you male friend and next time you can be making noise and shaking the house with them at 3 am. lol.

I think you are right Belle... Mark will be seeing a different woman. YOu have gained much for this experience. Keep seeing the gifts and keep that self awareness front and centre no matter what.

YOu are so right about the need for us to be our own best friends and keeping our best interests above others. We can be of no real value to anyone if we don't take care of ourselves first. Its like they say on the airplanes.... if the oxegin (sp? brain freeze lol) mask comes down put it on yourself first and then help others with theirs.

Yup.... same time zone as Marjn here so time for me to prep for bed too. Need to get a passport pic in the morning and get that application sent off. I so hate getting my picture taken I have been putting it off for 2 weeks now. geesh!!!

Enjoy the rest of your day Belle and take Marjn's advice and try not to give too much of your attention to thinking about Mark. Let him prove himself worthy and willing to make the effort to get things right with you. Don't make it easy for him. I know you get that so have a great day. Sunset at the beach.... sounds heavenly.

Sleep well Sanity xxx

Thank god....I slept very well....I think it was all because of that half an hour exercise which changed my mood...otherwise, the darkness of loneliness was getting into me last night!!!!

Sanity, you are so funny....I don't think that young couple has any guy friend's close to my age....this couple are in their mid 20s!!!!

oh by the way....have you ever thought about renting your place instead of selling it? that's another option!

I think my team lead knows that he was so rude to me that Friday....now that he's back from the business trip, he came to my desk and said hi and asked how I'm doing and talked to me....but this won't stop me from thinking to talk to him about that bad attitude....hehehe....sometimes, I feel these people at work are like a big dysfunctional family....they like each other but they fight too!

working for me and then dance class tonight....

I think I should change some of my activities to meet more people.....

Lets pray for a good day
Marjan

Marjan I am glad you had a good sleep
What activities are available to you for a change?
I thought Yoga would be a good way to met women friends... but they are all a bit different to me LOL I do chat with him but mostly I chat to the only guy in the class.
I have a seminar today with work but am hoping that I will finiah in time for Yoga.. I need it I have realised. It makes me feel on top of the world and happy.

Oh no more female friend for me....I got lots of them...hehehe.....I need more guy friends....
I used to live in Toronto and all my friends were male, I had just couple of female friends....and sometimes I really wanted to have more....but I didn't know any.....then I moved here to LA and majority of my friends are female....I love them so much, but I need to have some guy friends.....unfortunately, I found it difficult here to make guy friend...I met couple of guys that I wanted to have them just as a friend and then one by one told me that they have feelings for me....of course I didn't have anything....then our friendship got a bit awkward after that.....I didn't want to give them false hope!!!!
I just got back from my dance class....It was great as usual....wow...Aaron doesn't come to the class at all....I'm wondering what is going on with him....but I don't want to ask anybody.....Kevin doesn't come to the class either....I feel bad....it feels they don't come to the class because they don't want to see me
My teacher told me that she called Kevin but he still is not going to the class....she said probably it's better you call him....I told my teacher that I broke up with him....she said but he looks like a nice guy....I said yes he is and I'm a bad one!!!! what can I say? but thank god, my teacher is not into gossiping at all....she didn't say anything.....
as far as Yoga, I used to do Yoga the whole 2008 almost every day, but I'm not into it now....I'm more into gym and hiking and outdoor activities.....I'm thinking about Tennis maybe....or I don't know....got to think about it.....also, I want to sign up for online dating next month....that's my goal....
I found out it's better when I set goal for myself....for example last year I promised myself to be more active and go to gym and exercise more....and now I'm doing it....It's been almost 3 months so far.....the other goal is getting better at dancing.....and then I got to start dating!!!!

sweet dreams
Marjan

when do I get wise really?
I need to write these down and rant....sorry for ranting....

my mom just called me and asked me to give $500 cash as a gift from her behalf to my brother-in-law....My mom gave me some money to help me out to buy home, but I put that in the saving account and don't want to touch it....also I paid for my taxes this months and I have very little money in my checking account....I told her and she got mad at me....she told me "I knew you would say something"....I'm so upset now....I want to cry now...why should I say something to make her upset.....I think she was okay at the end, but I didn't like the fact she told me "I knew if I tell you, you would say something!".....
probably I was just jealous that she is going to give $500 to my brother-in-law while she doesn't do the same for our birthday!!!! well...I dont' think I was ever been her favorite child....My dad was always the one who loved me so much and made me so special....I miss him so much....
mom doesn't even call me at all....dad was always calling me every week....I was surprised when she called me then I found out why she's calling me!!
I love my mom so much, but she has anger problem....she used to beat us up badly when we were kids....I don't want to remember those hopeless days....when we tell her now, she says you guys are making up stories....but me and my older sister were the victims...my younger sister didn't get those discipline like us, because mom was older and wiser....I don't remember if dad ever punished us....he would have talked to us, but not beating us! I feel so sorry for her always, because of all the anger problems and all the issues she always had with family, friends and neighbors....sometimes stuff that I do and things that I say are like her, and I got freaked out....I usually can talk this with my older sister, because she suffers the same.....
I hope God forgives me for saying all these stuff.....I love my mom dearly and I know how hard she gave birth to us and she loves us so much too and she does everything to make us happy....but sometimes, it's so hard to wipe up those childhood memories....even now, we always get into fight talking to her even...very hard to deal with her!!!

Ranting is healthy and it just what this thread is for xx

I think wisdom comes with age... and really isn't middle age around 50 now? so maybe then

Thanks my friend....I think I'm using your thread to rant so much....

I think I should have meditate a bit before calling my mom! I still feel so nerves about it....although, she's my mom....but I hate when she tells me "I knew it"...that means I'm not perfect and I'm the bad child!!!! I know she loves me, but it hurts now!

You are not a bad child - you are a grown woman and have your own life that you have to live.

It's not 'my thread' it ours (yours, sanitys and mine) and I like it that way! xxx

Good luck with the phone call

thanks my friend....and you are right, I'm not a bad child....so many times my mom told me that when she had me she found out raising a child can be so easy....apparently I've never given them so much hard time for eating, school stuff and money issues....I was not a demanding child....but I made them disappointed by my choice of marriage and then divorce and then being single and having a lousy life....hehehehe....
couldn't sleep last night again....I was so tired, but I had still a little bit of anxiety out of my conversation with mom in the morning....gosh...I'm so sensitive.....then all the bad thoughts rushed into my head again....being single, not having a child, not having a family and living in a crappy apartment!!!! I know I can fix all, but I need a bit of time!!!!

We all need time and I think that it's not a matter of 'fixing', just a matter of finding the right path xx

or the reality is just to live as it is.....no more...no less....day to day....

Belle....read this article.....it's very interesting how to not get disappointed

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...isappointment/

wow....weekend is in the corner.....just 2:30 h to go....

Thanks Marjan, I love te qutoes in the article .

I think that I'll take what you have written... and live day to day on the emotional side of things.

Enjoy your weekend!

Hugs to you ooxxooxx

Hey girls,

Lets not let my other post become all there is - This is our place for sharing all life's little bit and pieces.
Sanity how are you doing? Still thinking of moving?
Marjan are you still house hunting too?

Hope you are both well xxoo

yes...I still house hunting....I look in two different part of LA....one is city life and the other one is suburban life....I can afford a nice home in suburb but an old ugly condo in a city....gosh....it's so hard to make decision....but yesterday after looking in some old townhouses and condos around the place that I'm living now (I love it here), I figure out that as much as I love this city, I hate their housing....well...the ones that I can afford....there are million dollars one that I life, but can't have
I'm just so afraid of living in suburb....I always lived in city with lots of activities around....not sure how life would look like....well...that city is closer to beach and it has nice mountains for hiking....but majority of people are married with small kids.....hmmm....in the other hand, I'm living here in this crawdad city and still can't find a date....all I have it's a dream!
It's a big decision for me....but I think I can rent the place if I feel not being able to live in the suburb....that city is so beautiful, very green....I kinda liked it....
Last night, I had a dream that Aaron came to me, and then he left me for another girl....OMG....It was so sad....when I woke up, I felt the sadness....and I was thinking, I'm so happy that I don't have that drama in my life any more....
How is it going with you Belle?
And Sanity sounds so quiet these days? how is the life with you Sanity?
Oh by the way, I wrote a check for $250 for my brother in law for his birthday behalf of my mom and I told my sister that mom wanted to give him $500, but I don't have enough cash right now....my sister said, don't worry and she can give him when she comes here....and she was surprised why this much money....I haven't told my mom, but I hope she will be okay with it....I got so much stress because of this gift last week.....

take care guys and have fun
Marjan

Hi girls... I think I am still planning to move. Not sure if it will work out because like most everything else I am putting off taking any action. I haven't even talked to my brother about it since I am avoiding him because I am suppose to have some tax work done for him to help me with. I am just living in the now trying to avoid most everything. Too afraid to think or feel much about anything right now.

Thinking about going for a drive to check out a couple of places I found online that look okay. Been saying that everyday for a week or more now. I think I am afraid they will be bad and make the move idea harder to get my head around. Or maybe they will be good and the work to make it all happen will be too overwhelming. I avoid so I can keep my feelings numbed. In check and managed by apathy.

The garden is really tugging at my heart strings too. It is hard to imagine letting it go. Seems like everytime I am out there now the plants are speaking to me. I can take some with me but it won't be the same.

Anyways.... need to try to get at another delayed task. Find homes for these 3 little kittens. I need to make a couple of calls but each day goes by without me doing it. Maybe today. Of course if I wait long enough it will be too late today and like it or not tomorrow will come.

Sorry for the downer but I guess I am pretty down these days. Just trying to ignore all that too. Ignorance is bliss. Well maybe not bliss but it helps me survive the minutes hours and days of life. It comes and goes no matter what so I am just trying to keep out of the drama. I don't ask or hope for more these days. Just to be free from my own drama.

If I can't pick up the phone then I will likely head to the garden. Lots of work out there to keep my mind occupied. Will walk right on by the housechores that need some attention. The sun is shining and must not be wasted. Likely to rain again later so best get something done out there before the weather changes again. Well maybe after the movie I am watching is done.

Good luck with the house hunting Marjn. Have you considered renting in the burbs for a while to see how you like it before committing to owning a home there? Just a thought.

Wishing you both well.

I know what you mean by avoiding things....I'm same too....I postpone and avoid stuff that are giving me tension....and it's a good thing to do
I always manage to pick up things on time when I'm ready....
I thought about renting, but I'm feelings it's better to buy right now that prices are down and mortgage interest rates are really low....renting has its own problems, for example, it's so hard to find a rental place with refrigerator, then I got to buy a refrigerator or other stuff for a rental place and then moving it's another challenge for me and it's expensive.....
I think I'm getting to the conclusion that I can't buy a house in the city that I'm in right now and I don't want to buy an old condo....so, my choice is buysing a house in a suburb and then if I found it hard to live there, I can rent it and come and rent a small condo in any city I want.....that's a benefit of being single, being flexible...hehehe....got to use the benefits at least.....

Sanity, not sure how many bedrooms you have, but you can always rent a room or a basement if you have any....that way, it will help you with your expenses and if you rent it to a nice person, then you have a nice company at home too....I know it's kinda freaky thinking about sharing your place with somebody else, but it can be a nice change too....and, don't give up on finding a home for yourself....also, I think it's a very good time in Canada to sell your place....good luck....

I'm cleaning up my home....I'm doing a deep clean up....It will take more than couple of hours, but I feel great after that....(however, I hate staying at this home and cleaning....argggg)....but I know I feel great after that....

take care and don't worry about avoidance.....take one day at a time and things will find their ways....you are always in my thoughts

hope Belle had a good date today....I'm going to sign up for online dating tonight...I want to keep myself a bit busy with dating....

okay...I get back to cleaning now again

OMG...I'm such a lazy bum...so far, I cleaned a lot, but still bathroom and kitchen left....and guess what I'm just living in a very small one bedroom apartment....imagine how messy it was here....but it feels better when it's clean and out of dust....hope I will be able to keep it clean for a week....
okay....I'll get back to cleaning again....

I would love to share this quote with you guys:

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."

I love this

Great quote. Of course key is to live wisely and earnestly. If only. lol.

My son and I finally went for that drive to check out the 2 places I found on line. One was misrepresented badly and a bust but the other one looked pretty good. Considering. It is in a trailer park but it is in a corner and on the river so it has some private space and a relatively large yard comparatively. It is a double wide mobile home with wood siding which beats the usual single wide alluminum sided ugly. It seemed more doable than most. Very small. Next move when I am up for it will be to get my brother's help to take the next step. I hate that I can't do these things on my own. I feel more and more like an invilade everyday. Oh well. It is what it is. Acknowledging my limits is a good thing. Having so many of them is depressing.

I drove by a dream. There is this old church with beautiful stained glass windows on a couple of acres of land with a big old house. They are for sale together. I have always had a dream to establish an artisan centre. A place where artists would come to learn from each other. International artist exchanges with artist in residence programs. A dream I have buried deeper and deeper as my illness took a stronger hold on my life over the years. Driving by the church and house brought the dream back to the surface. I could see it all. The house is large enough to accommodate a few artist at a time. The church large enough for studio space and a gallery tea shop.

Odd day. On one hand I am trying to accept the limits of my mental incapacity and on the other I am feeding a dream that matches my old capacities. Like a kick in the head since it really is not doable anymore. I would be laughed off the planet if I told anyone. I can't even show up to a family dinner because of the stress and panic attached. I want to give myself permission to feed the dream but it is just not realistic. If I had a partner to share the dream who could compensate for my weaknesses then it could happen but no one I know would trust me to contribute consistantly enough to be willing to move on such a venture. It is just a dream.

I was telling my son today that it is like I have two voices in my head. One says honour your limits and the other says honour your dreams. One extreme to the other. That's my life. Polar opposites. I can resist the label but it still describes my life pretty much. I sit in wonder of life in the middle for more than fleeting moments in time.

So back to reality today where I am still putting off finishing the business plan I have been working on for weeks now. I had a meltdown last week trying to make sense of the financials and ended up needing to push it aside. My brain just couldn't make sense of it all. Something the old me would have raced through in a few days... a week at most. Now I struggle through the mental mind blocks.

Yuk.... another downer post. Will just have to keep feeding myself the idea that simplifying my life is good. Visualizing a simpler life. Oh but to be able to dream again.

go after your dream.....read just bolded area and forget about the rest....

as far as I know, what ever I have ever done in my life starts with a dream...I dreamed of speaking in another language....living in another country....working in computer field....learning to dance....some of my dreams were so simple as wearing high heels at work....and from childhood I could not come up with the dream for a husband and family....so these days I'm trying to create that image and that dream in my head!

I hear you but it really isn't reasonable to entertain my fantasies. I would like nothing more than to believe I could do this but it would be a mistake. Just as it was a mistake to think I could return to work on a full time basis. I can't even return to life on a full time basis. lol. Maybe some day but not now. Not until and if something changes so that I am not on the verge of tears 24/7, unable to sleep consistantly, unable to finish anything on time and somedays so frozen with fear I can't even leave my house. If I weren't so med resistant, distrusting and afraid of doctors maybe I could get help but so far my resistance and fears keep being reinforced when desperation sends me looking for help. I am alone just trying to keep from ending it all one day at a time. That is why I think downsizing and living day to day without the wieght of too much commitment or unrealistic dreams teasing me is my better choice. Maybe if I were 20 years younger it would be different but at 56 I don't bounce back like I used to. I konw 56 isn't all that old in an age when people are living to be 100 but it feels really old to me. I might just as well be 86 for the range of my abilities these days. My 80 year old dad can retain his thought processes better than me these days.

I know I sound defeated but I think it is a fine line between being realistic about my limitations and bitting off more than I can chew while my teeth are falling out. If you know what I mean.

I have fullfilled many dreams in my life and am really grateful for the memories. I used to be so fearless and adventurous people couldn't hold me down. I used to ooze passion about my work, my goals, my hopes and dreams. I would have some really ugly down times throughout my life but I always bounced back up and raced into the game again. It doesn't work like that anymore. I don't bounce back anymore. The moods swing too rapidly now to be able to sustain a consistent or productive pace. If I commit to something when I feel good then when I flip it becomes too overwhelming to fullfill. Its a vicious cycle I have been on for too many years now and so I think it is time to quit pushing myself. I have to take it one day at a time and limit stimulations. I am not happy living this way but it is the best I can do or hope for right now.

I agree that having dreams are important so as I settle things down and find a way to relieve my financial pressures I will give myself permission to dream again. Writing a book has always been a dream. Maybe if I simplify my life and relieve some of this pressure I can work on advancing that dream. It will require less of me while satisfying a need in me to do something useful and self satisfying. Time will tell.