well the door is closed - he's engaged to her

I've never been in a true continues long term relationship....and I'm 36 years old....my marriage was a mistake and I knew it even the day of my wedding....I was about to run away, but everybody was pushing me towards the marriage....my sister is still blaming herself for it.....although, it was my choice....we met at college but I never loved him....I thought I did, but I didn't even like him, now that I think back....funny...ha?!
Then after him, couple of guys I dated, one had problem....He couldn't hold it more than couple of minutes.....OMG....that was so frustrating....few minutes xxx....He was dumped by default....then I was single for another year then I met Gary....I really loved him....even now I love him....but he had three small kids and just separated and I found a job in US....It was too much stress and I couldn't handle the kids....I didn't see myself being a loving mother to them, although they were living with their mother....and truly, I wished him to get back with his ex-wife, I thought about the kids and how unfair it was to them.....so....I got out of the relationship, and moved to States.....and of course, I went through depression....It was so hard to get detached from him....specially knowing that it was hard for him too....I knew how much he loved me....
Then I met Aaron....and just the first couple of months were okay, then we start arguing and falling apart.....we continued for awhile, but it was more stress for me than joy....and I could see that he's shopping around....and when he found the other girl, he didn't contact me anymore....left me puzzled and angry and depressed......thank god I'm out of it....however, I still dream about him....I do have so much chemistry with him....but I don't like the way that he treated me.....
Then recently I dated Kevin.....I was so happy to find Kevin....then I found him not being so interested in sex and didn't like the kissing.....puzzled again....I've known him since November and we've been going out since December, but nothing has happend even when we slept together....he didn't do anything....also, he's not calling me often....and the deal breaker was Valentine when he didn't do anything.....well....It was such a turn off for me....and I don't really like seeing him anymore....He's been calling me and texting me since then (but he does like one text after few days or one call after few days) I don't even consider such a thing as a relationship....I want to break it off with him....but there is nothing to break even....hehehehe.....there is no relationship....so, he called me today left me a message to have lunch with me tomorrow.....I don't mind going out with him, but I don't want him as my boyfriend......not sure what to do.....I haven't replied him back.....in the other hand, I don't want to make him an enemy, he's a friend and I will see him between friends.....
that's all about my messy relationships....nothing glamorous about them.....that's how I found peace in meditation, hiking and dancing.....
Again, it's so good to be with somebody, and I miss cuddling and sex...I just try to not think about them....and see what life will be for me.....
take care girls
Marjan

Hi again

After reading Marjan's l feel sort of blessed - I have had 3 interesting relationships. My first true love from 16y/o - 22y/o was volitile as anything but we did trully love each other. We were both drinking and partying so hard in those days but still managed to buy a house and settledown. I was at fault in the breakdown of that relationship - I broke his heart and I can still see the look on his face when it ended. I'm thinking now that look that I saw was the same look I had on my face when Mark told me he didn't love me anymore... pure devastation and heartache.

One thing that I can say about all of my relationships is that I don't regret any of them. The were wonderful growing experiences and I have so many joyful memories.
It's possible that I do have a small amount of regret over my relationship with Mark... but I think that I am still slightly jaded and not fully healed from that yet. It still hurts to think of him.

Sanity Seeker you sound happier and more positive lately than I think I have ever heard from you. I love that and it makes me feel like hugging you. Both of you have made a huge difference in how I feel and I think how all three of us feel about a positive future.

I agree with you both - I miss knowing there is a cuddle and a kiss waiting for me when I go to bed or arrive home.

Marjan I do trully hope that you find someone that will give you all that you deserve in a relationship - including terrific chemistry
Maybe you need to visit Australia - all the guys over here are, how can I say it nicely, up for it 99% of the time..

I am going out with Chris again tomorrow - he's sweet and he likes holding hands and cuddling. For now that's all I am ready for and I'm concentrating on the moment.
I've found moments of happiness here and learnt that it is okay to be single - it doesn't have the sitgma attached that I thought it would have.

Group hug

Take care and stay safe xxoo

I had Yoga last night.. backbends! WOW I can't really get all the way up but given time I am sure that I will.

Hope you girls are going okay. Haven't heard from you in a little while so thought that I'd check up

Take care.

I am so busy at work these days and then when I get home I have to take care of so many things...didn't have that much time to be on the Forum....
I'm doing okay....having some issues here and there.....couple of days ago I wrote a nasty email to my friend in Toronto who was receiving my mails.....I'm not kinda happy about that, but I found out I have to email him....
I asked him to open the letter from Revenue Canada (tax return stuff) and apparently I have to pay back $3200 for my 2007 tax return.....and he told some other friends.....I'm so pissed at him.....I don't think there was any need to tell him to keep my tax return and income confidential....I have trusted him....and I feel my privacy has been violated....plus he always jokes that I used to charge extra for my after hours work at the company that we used to work together.....that was bothering me, because I was working hard....and all my after hours have been approved by my manager.....I didn't do anything illegal.....plus even after moving to a new job, my manager called me and wanted me to go back and offered me a team lead position.....so....I wrote down all in the email....he didn't reply me back and I'm so pissed really.....
still I think I've done a right thing to email him.....I told him I trusted you, why do you have to tell everybody about my income and tax return.....he's 30 years old, he's not a kid to be reminded.....
He's one of my best friends for 10 years.....
well....that made me upset....but still I don't let it to get into me....
also, yesterday I checked facebook and I found out Aaron's ex-girlfriend wants to attend the salsa class....I really don't want to see her.....do I still have hope for that jerk? why even on earth I want to be with such an *** hole!!!! (sorry my language)
so....I'm kinda pissed at my own thoughts.....
then my sister told me to go to Sacramento for vacation and I got couple of days off, and now she's telling me that she might cancel it....it's so hard for me to get off from work and now, I don't know if there is any plan....she has to do every single thing with her husband, she doesn't even leave him alone for couple of days....it's kinda stupid, they are so attached....in the other hand, I'm happy for them....but come on guys....sometimes you got to spend time with other family members....
well....I've been thinking if I was not single, I would have not deponent on her.....
ya....all these bad thoughts made me a little bit edgy these days!
I want to bring back that peace in my heart again.....
Even I found out, I'm so impatient while driving or doing grocery....
I've been working on myself so hard to get over of all these attachments and anger, and they are kinda coming back to me.....
thanks for reading this....
Marjan

Hi Marjan

I think that you were right in emailing him. It is a violation of your privacy for him to have told others what was in your letters. It was wrong of him and I would be angry and frustrated as well. It horrible when trust is broken.

I can understand being pissed off at your own thoughts. Just when everything seems to be back on track (happens to me a lot these past weeks) things happen and your mind starts thinking all of the bad things again... I don't understand it. I thought I was okay and happy and all of that but during quiet times (like driving home from work and when I am getting ready to sleep) all the pain and anger seems to flood back!

I wouldn't want to see my ex's other half, even if they had broken up so I think that's a normal reaction. I didn't go shopping last Friday where I wanted to because I thought I would run into her.... I just wish they had of moved further away rather than 'invading' what I think of as my area... I want to be able to shop where and when I want.
To have her start attending my Yoga class would really annoy me and probably stop me going - so I would hate and it's not a healthy emotion.

I think that everything you are thinking and feeling is normal (who can say what is normal?).
It's just a bump in the road. You will find the peace that you had achieved before, it's not gone, other things have just gotten in the way for a moment.

Warm soft hugs to you. Keep writing and getting it all out of your head

Oh...thank you so much for your warm words....ya...true...this is just a bump in the road and this shall pass as well....
I'm doing okay.....nothing really major....just wanted to say things and get stuff out of my chess....
what is bothering me is that my friend didn't even reply me back saying sorry.....I know him, he feels victimized right now.....I hope he's ashamed of what he has done.....and I have no regret of emailing him at all....just the problem is that I got to change my address again....it's so difficult to leave in several different countries.....
I think I should meet more people and make more friendship to find a guy for myself....good luck to both of us.....just with this crazy life and working, it's kinda difficult.....
take care
marjan

Working life and commitments makes it very hard!

Today out of the blue my ex emailed me. To be honest I don't know how it makes me feel. It was just a normal 'Hi, How you going email'. I still get butterflies in my tummy when he does email me. I know that I don't ever want him back and that I resent him for how he treated me but I guess that 5 years is a long time together and it's hard to switch off the feelings of love

I hope you didn't reply him back right away.....let him feel wonder what you are doing....please please don't be available to him.....
honesty, I think he's even not faithful to the new girl that he got engaged.....he should not contact you at all....I'm sure the new girl would not like it.....so, this guy doesn't care about women's feelings.....it looks like what he thinks it's just himself....
Why does he have to email you even? what? he cares about you? if so, why did he hurt you in the first place......to be honest, I don't like to make excuses for guy's misbehavior, because I know they know that what they are doing.....
Yes, 5 years is long time to be in a relationship and then stop it and jump to another one.....trust me as I told you before, this new relationship is not going to work....not that I wish them unhappiness, but I'm kinda sure....
However, I want you to be strong and don't reply him back.....you will see he will get crazy....because he still thinks about you.....he will get nuts to find out if you are dating anybody or not....so, be smart and play your cards well.....can you do that Belle?
So, don't give him opportunity that he thinks you will be available for him at all.....and no more excuses for him!!!!! If he likes you, he has to prove it to you and this time is harder even......
I went to my meditation/Buddhism class tonight.....I got lots of energy as usual.....my teacher, the nun, told us that meditation is not just formal sitting and closing our eyes, we should have constructive thoughts and get rid of our negative, harmful thoughts and that's meditation.....
I love this class it's better than any therapy session for me.....
She even said that you got to take your time and little by little change the harmful thoughts (the ones that makes you unhappy) and change them to helpful thoughts (the one that makes you happy)....like an ocean liner, you can just turn all of a sudden, just little by little.....
Just right now, i got off from phone talking to Kevin....oh god, he doesn't still know that I don't want to continue relationship with him....he texted me and I answered him then he called me after that.....I don't mind his friendship, but I don't think there is any chemistry between us.....and there is not that much of relationship even to break it...hehehe....it's kinda funny....I thought about calling him and telling him to break it off, but then I thought, we don't even see each other why should I bother myself then? there is nothing between us....well....just couple of times fooling around (not even completely) just kissing stuff and once he slept over, but then again we didn't do anything....so, I think we can still stay as friend.....
I think life is kinda funny though....
take care of yourself Belle and wash him off from your brain little by little.....you need your time.....and take that time....don't let him to steel your time of healing from you by contacting you once in a while.....cut him lose and set yourself free....I know it's easy to say, but you need encourage....
Trust me, if he really wants you, he will come after you and find you anyway under any circumstances....
okay...got to go to bed now....bye for now....
take care....marjan

Thank you so very much!
You last sentence is the one that I think I will hold in my mind for the day! I don't want him and I am not ready to have a real friendship with him yet. I don't realise the feeling that I have until he contacts me off his own back.
The thing that confused me I guess is I asked how he was.. and he said he was having a shocking day at work.. so I said that's too bad. What about outside of work, everything good? and he replied with 'pretty much the same as work ;('..
Confuses me a little but I am having fun dating so am not giving that up!

What you say about turning harmful thoughts into helpful thoughts is what my T and I have been working on lately - it's a great way to look at things, especially instant thoughts that I have that seem to have.

Sweet dreams Marjan x

Sorry I haven't been around to offer support or encouragement. Struggling these days with the battle of the blues. Try to keep the hope alive with positive twists on things even when they go sour so I don't totally stall.

Every contract I was hoping would blossom into something fell flat last week. A new possibility this week took a detour with news my client was thinking of going out of country for the retreat they were asking me to facilitate. I have no passport and huge issues of anxiety about going into the US. Even if I did twist those fears around I don't have time to get a passport before they are scheduled to go. Last week it was having no business license... this week no passport... geesh why all the obsicles?

A friend is having a candle party tonight and usually I avoid such things but I agreed to go because I really like this friend and don't want to loose her because I always say no to her gatherings. I also wanted to challenge the fears and just do it without overthinking it. Nevertheless my day has so far been really strained with anxiety about it. My emotions are on edge right now and any effort to calm myself is short lived. I get sad wondering were the girl I used to be went. I miss her. I am trying to visualize a happy time at my friends tonight but the effort is taking a toll on my energy. As the energy is zapped so is my resistance to the effects of the anxiety. Without energy the anxiety magnifies. It is only noon and already I can't talk to anyone without the tears streaming down my face. The anxiety of needing to perform tonight is already overwhelming. I know I can fake it but I also know the aftermath will be painful. I'd prefer to avoid the situation to avoid the aftermath. I know that is no way to live so I will try to keep a different vision in my head. Hopefully it will be okay.

Me aside.... sorry so self absorbed can't even think of what to offer you guys other than keep on keepin on doing what you know feels good and gets you what you want. Keep those guys who zap your positive energy away from you. Take good care of yourselves. You so deserve all the happiness in the world that comes from honouring yourselves and not allowing anyone to manipulate your feelings. They are big boys. They will get over it. Do what is right for you. Attract those men who will hold you up and treasure you and not suck you into their dysfunctions.

Be well.

Hi Girls

It's strange isn't it but it seems that we all have down times together now. I know that we will all pick back up and get back on the right track again. We have all done it before and will do it again, hopefully each time it gets easier

I hope that your day did pick up and that you felt calmer after writing it all down here.
You are stronger than you think.
We will all get back onto the positive path eventually, until then this is a place to vent and write it all out. The positive path will come from our energy and talking with each other xx

Take care

(I hope this all makes sense.. it's early Friday morning here and I didn't sleep well!)

Sorry Sanityseeker that you are going through difficulty to get the contract done. I'm sure the one who is looking will find one day!
Just wanted to tell you that if you are a Canadian Citizen, you can apply for your passport and if you prove them that it's emergency like showing them your ticket for example, then they will process your passport very quickly within few days.....just call them and see what they will suggest you.....also, I think you might be able to pass the border with couple of IDs and your citizenship card or birth certificate......
good luck to you
marjan

Actually, I'm feeling okay, specially after my Buddhism class....love that class, it gives me lots of energy....
Today was another crazy day at work....trying hard to think helpful thoughts instead of harmful ones.....
Ya....I do have lots of fears hiding inside me and sometimes feel like walking on the egg shells....but I'm thankful for not being so sad as I used to be....
take care girls...
Marjan

Thanks guys. I am doing better today. Managed the post performance stress with some mental relaxation exercising on the drive home to prevent a stress meltdown. I haven't been sleeping much again so that always adds to the everyday challenges. I am going to spend time in the garden today now that the rain has taken a break.

I heard that Marjn.... about the quick turn around for a passport. I will need to travel into the city to do it. blah blah blah. Just not sure I am up to 4 days away from home amid a lot of people. argg.... I know... just don't think about it if all I am going to do is entertain the fears. I can't afford to turn down a contract. It could even be fun. eeks!!

Bear with me. I have been so self protective for so long it is almost second nature to me now even if it is self defeating. I know that on an intellectual level but don't quite buy it yet on an emotional level. You girls are challenging this old girls dysfunctional defences. Its a good thing but its a roller coaster ride.

Glad you are doing well and hope things just keep getting better and better. Take good care.

Belle the progress you have made really stands out when one reads this whole thread! The insight into yourself, your situation, rebound relationships and how you perceive him get clearer all the time. I'm impressed, it more than just progress. Your not just walking in the right direction, your running.

Hi
Marjan, I am glad that your class helped and that you are doing better. The fears do still hold all of us back but we can find strength in them too. The more we express the faster we will find inner peace
Sanity Seeker, I hope you had a very theraputic day in the garden All the spring bulbs must be popped through and getting lush with all the rain.. Wish I could see it.
We are all self protective (Something that I have only become over the past 2 months)
I'm glad that we are challenging you Sanity Seeker - if it gets to much just let us know - it'a what we are here for

It's an emotional roller coaster for all of us and some days are better than others.

Envision welcome to our thread you are welcome to post and add things anytime x

I like to think that I am heading in the right direction - it's a steep learning curve full of 'traps' but with a little help I'm getting closer to my goal.

I had a date again last night (with the same guy I have been out with 4 times) he's sweet and kind and I like him - not a rebound relationship but just close friends I think. He makes me smile
I had sms contact with Mark today.... just silly stuff and I felt okay afterwards - just a little empty I gues when the contact ended.
Today is going to be a lazy day and night.
I bought a yoga dvd so that I can practise between classes - now just have to find the motivation!

Take care all and have a relaxing, calm day full of warm thoughts

Just coming back from my friend's home....she invited all of us over for happy hour....so sweet of her, but when I told them I'm taking an acting class on Saturday morning, my friend was laughing and questioning me over and over and make me feel stupid for doing that.....I found myself keep saying, I just love it...It was my dream from when I was so little and I'm so happy that I can go to the class and it's not a carreer change for me even.....I love my engineering job and no way I change it.....then they turned it to make it look like I'm looking for a guy in the class......can't understand people really!!!!! why can't they accept that I registered in the class for just trying something that I dreamed about always and I want it just as a hobby......I've never thought of going to acting class to get hooked up with some guys!!!!
The conversation went on and one.....then I told her, well...I do love salsa dancing, and you don't....you do love dog walking and I would never do such a thing.....people are different......
It's sometimes so sad that we can't respect our friend's decisions and we want to force people to do what we like.....
anyway....I had a great night, just surprised of their reactions of me taking an acting class....I didn't think it would be a big deal afterward!!!

I think doing something that you have always wanted to try is brilliant - pity friends can't be supportive all of the time. It's not stupid to do something that will make you happy and especially something that you have always wanted to do.
Sometimes other peoples reactions can make me pull back inside myself and feel like I shouldn't have shared. Keep sharing here Marjan and let us know how the class goes, personally I think it would be a lot of fun xx

Envision.... what an awesome observation. I agree.... Belle is moving forward at an awesome pace.

gee hey... what goes through some peoples minds. That is some of why I avoid people a lot. Like Belle describes I often feel hurt by peoples reactions to things I say and withdraw to avoid the sting. Not a good idea I know so I am challenging myself more and more lately to not be so invested in the opinions of others.

I don't get why some people say some of the things they say. Thoughtless mostly I guess. Perhaps jealous. Who knows. Can't let it bother us or change us or our decisions. Like you said Marjn, we are all different. Different is good. Good on you for not letting them get to you. I think it is great you are taking up an acting class. Another outlet for your creativity. Very cool.

Nice to hear Belle that you are enjoying your time with your friend and that he makes you smile. You deserve to be and feel happy. No need to define the relationship just enjoy it. I am concerned about your contact with Mark. I think it is dangerous actually. I know I tend to over react to most things but feeling empty is akin to lonely and sad so please be careful. He is poison to you now even though you shared a wonderful love together. He can't keep using you this way. You can't be his friend right now. It isn't healthy for you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are still fragile and while you are coping well for the most part you are still vulnerable and it is his hand that is on the trigger. Please be careful and consider cutting off all ties to protect yourself.

I guess that advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt since I have the habit of overprotecting myself. Somewhere in there must be the balance that works for you.

I am doing well today. Slept well last night and that always puts a different light on my days. The sun is shining again and soon it will be warm enough to get into the garden for a few hours. I have also been inspired to do some sewing today. Maybe make some product to sell since other work is just not finding its way to me. I have the time so might as well give it over to some creative expression.

Take care everyone... be thinking good thoughts of you and imaging smiles and laughter. Blessings....

Hi Sanity Seeker

Yes being in contact with Mark is still possibly not a good thing and the way I am coping with it is when he messages me I reply but I don't actively get in contact with him. I seem to be able to handle it okay.
I'm still protecting my heart and doing things that I enjoy so it's all good for the time being

I'm happy to hear that you are sewing again - creative expression is great therapy and I you can earn a little cash from it then I say go for it while you are in the mood.
I still think that you could write a wonderful book

I had my beach walk this morning - talking with Tom is therapy in it's self... we laugh so much that I leave the beach feeling on top of the world

I have an appointment with my T this week - on the 11th. I can't believe that it's almost 3 weeks since I saw him last. Before when it was two weeks in between I used to struggle towards the end of the second week!
I think haveing all of you here to listen, give advice and all of our positive thinking has made the last 3 weeks the best emotionally that I have had for some time!
Thank you all so very much!

Oh and I am going to try my Yoga DVD today It include meditation at the end so that will be a challenge to do at home I think.

glad you girls are doing good.....it's rainy here kinda depressing.....I used to live in Toronto and I experienced lots of depressed days during winter time.....living in California is changing my mood too....It's true....once there is a bit of rain, I'm getting down.....but still interesting that I'm not depressed, it's just not my high mood....not feeling to talk too much.....I wish I had somebody at home....I think I should get a pet at least.....It's not healthy to be this much alone!
Kevin has called me on Wednsday and I talked to him then today he texted me if I want to go hiking tomorrow.....not sure even if I want to see him and it looks like he doesn't have a clue....arggg.....doesn't he get it? you can't have a girl like this....he calls like once in a while and even though I texted him I may be hike with him tomorrow, but he didn't reply me back.....I don't think I would go out with him at all.....He's kinda piss me off.....and I'm not into him at all....just I was thinking probably I can keep my friendship....
Last night my friends were asking me if I broke up with Kevin or not.....they know him too and they want to continue their friendship, which is okay for me.....I told them there was nothing really between us to break and I don't call him or text him so I think he understands it.....but if I go out with him tomorrow, I will definitely tell him that we are just friends....
I've never thought that finding a partner is this much difficult......not sure what to do? and I'm 36 years old....I really really want to have a baby but I want to have a good guy for that....
Belle as Sanityseeker told you, I'm telling you too....stop contacting Mark....cut him loose from your life....if he wants you, he will do anything you name it to get you back.....be confident and just ignore his texts and his calls.....I know it's difficult, but it's possible....
take care
Marjan

Marjan you made me smile with your comment about getting a pet - I talk to my dog and my goldfish all of the time.... Plus the dog makes me feel so welcome when I come home from work, all smiles and excitment.

Did you end up going out with Kevin for the hike?

I think that finding the right guy to settledown with is hard - especially if you don't just want to settle for being in a 'relationship'. I'm looking for Prince Charming I think and I don't think he exists. Mind you with how I am emotionally I think he could be right in front of me and I wouldn't know it.

You aren't too old to have a baby.. you have many more years to find that someone special to share children with... but I know what you mean because I have the same thoughts and I'm only 30... Will there be someone for me that I will love enough to want to have children with while there is still time to enjoy it?

I do have trouble cutting Mark out of my life... it feels like it would be a huge loss.. that makes me feel a little lonely inside..

Thank you both for everything and for being there for me all of the time xx

I think a pet is a great idea. The perfect companion. You have to be prepared to invest the time into caring for them but the rewards are worth it. I have 1 dog and 3 cats. Well make that 6 cats since one just gave birth to 3 kittens through the night. I am more a cat person than a dog person. I always say that dogs are like having a toddler for life. They need you to take them out for walks a couple of times everyday and to spend a lot more time with them then cats require. They expect everyone who comes by for a visit to give them their share of attention and cry if you leave without them. They bark and need to be told to stay out of the garden! lol. I like the independant, self sufficient, quiet nature of cats. My cats are all indoor outdoor cats who move about freely, even in the garden. I also love that I can talk to my cats with mental telepathy. lol.

I think you nailed it Belle.... cutting off contact with Mark makes you feel lonely. Take that one more step.... the longer you hold on to the contact the longer those feelings of lonliness will hang on too.

I agree.... there is no Prince Charming. Just as there is no Snow White. Just people with beauty marks and flaw scars. Humans who bring joy and sorrow. Make good choices and bad decisions. Are happy and sad. Always changing, seldom predictable. Can lift you up and let you down. Relationships are tough. You have to be able to remain your own person in a relationship. You can't loose yourself and become blind to him.

I hope you both find that special someone whom you can raise beautiful children together with in your perfect time. You are both doing the right thing to usher that hope your way. You are engaged in life and doing things so that you will meet new people and like they say.... one day, when you least expect it, your special someone will walk through the door. Meanwhile you are both doing everything you can to be your own best special someone.

Me... I have no interest in partnering up at this point in my life. I am 55 so maybe when I hit 70 I will look for a house mate and geriatric sex partner. lol. Funny cuz when I was at my friends candle party a woman was talking about how to dress for a date and the fashion designer in me was giving her some advice. When she learned I was single she was chomping at the bit to set me up. I knew then that I just was not into the idea but flattered to think she knew a lot of men who would love to meet me. Since then I find myself even more satisfied with my single status. It is my choice even more than my circumstance. Sometimes I think I would like a man in my life but I figured out the other night that I just want to know every now and then that men might find me attractive. Thats enough for now. Easy for me to say of course since I have my son and so that male role has been fullfilled. Poor guys.... so disposable. lol. My aunt used to tease me when I was mourning the loss of my son's dad. She would remind me that I used to always say to her that I didn't want a man permenantly just long enough to give me a kid. I got my wish. Guess I was right about what suited me all along. To each his own though so don't give up chasing your dreams just make sure the man you invest in is the man of your dreams. Don't make any excuses to make him fit a vision that he can't.

Okay... enough babbling.

I'm not a cat person at all....not sure why? but I don't enjoy it....I do love dog, but not sure if I can take care of dog....I've never had a dog and I don't have anybody else to help me.....
I just watched Oscar alone by myself....my friend was invited to a party and invited me too, but didn't give me the address.....and I was late to call her to ask for an address....anyway.....I spent this weekend alone....but thank god I didn't fall into depression....I was okay....and I know that because my home is clean and there is no dirty dishes in the kitchen....mostly, when I'm so down and depressed, my home is such a mess and I don't take actions.....but this time, I'm okay....
No, I didn't go out with Kevin....I'm not interested in him at all and he's slow nature makes me sick to my stomach.....We haven't met since 13th of Feb, and I don't call him or text him, because I don't want him....then he did text me on Saturday to go hiking, and I texted him back I will if there is no rain....then no text back from him till today around 2pm telling me that he's not feeling good to move and he can't hike.....that sounds like a joke to me....dude, it's 2pm, I'm not going hiking at this time without plan ahead of time...and I'm not sitting at home waiting for you....hehehehe.....well...I didn't answer him back at all.....I think it's something seriously wrong with him and he doesn't get it that I'm not into him at all.....
ya....I do want to have a family of my own and I'm craving for that, but I don't want to settle down for a guy like Kevin who is so slow and no personality or a guy like Aaron who always look after entertainment.....I hope I find a true man....
hope you guys are fine....bye for now....Marjan