[geekgirl]

I have a very antagonistic relationship with my ex. Long history there, and I have a very hard time communicating with him. There are times I still must though since we still have a minor daughter and we are trying to negotiate/settle over what to do with the family home. We've been divorced now 5 months, separated nearly 2 years.

He is very angry and very depressed I think. I am very depressed myself. A lot happened to us... and I keep learning more about how deceptive he was in our marriage for the last few years.

The dynamic of our relationship is really bad. If we speak, he will do anything to deny that he's done anything wrong (he will make sure he tells me how happy he is, but with a very loud and angry manner) and he will always "solve" the problems we have between us by demanding something his way and then blaming me for a detail in the situation ("the house hasn't sold because YOU didn't vacuum it, you disgust me.") Stuff like that.

I can't deal with it very well.

So... what I am looking for is some help from anyone... is there any practical advice you can give me so that I can change the dynamic here well enough to settle issues that come up between us with at least a bit less of antagonism?

I have attorneys and am going back to see my counselor. But this guy has a way of going for myjugular, and I think I may help feed it. When he insults me, I lose it... I'll hurl it right back at him ("you make me sick because you're such a liar").

I think that down inside, he's miserable and feeling a lot of guilt. But, he's also got a lot of pride... and I think there is an addiction problem there as well.

All I want right now is to get out from under any situation with this guy that I must be involved in with some peace and the ability to at least state my needs and negotiate a bit. Is there any advice out there on how to deal with this situation without getting more depressed myself?

[kvinneakt]

This is a very ignorant question, but why do you talk at all? It seems you, through your attorneys, could find a way to do the necessary things without direct contact. But I don't know; no personal direct experience with this kind of mess.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

[Serenity]

ouch what a nerve you have touched...got a few days...i could share what i went through...and yeah...it sucked

[geekgirl]

kvinneakt...

Sigh. We were married nearly 25 years, we have children together, we own property together. That's the practical reason.

The not so practical reason is he does reach out at times... maybe I'm a door mat and maybe I'm setting myself up for more of this... but, c'mon. The guy is a human being too. While I may need help myself because of my depression... I'm seeing someone who desparately needs help too. He's deep in denial over a few things... and I think the way he lashes out and then avoids attorneys and the legal process is an indicator. He AVOIDED the process server when I filed for divorce for FOUR days!!!

I may not have all the details here, but he's very avoidant. Does not like to deal with problems he cannot have full control of. It's a maddening situation, and it's driving me to the brink.

[geekgirl]

Serenity... I got all the time you need if you want to share it!!

This situation is maddening, frustrating, and aggravating. It does nothing but depress me and make me feel like I have no say or input on any matter with him.

[Serenity]

lol.."want" to share" Hmmm...Yes...it is very frustrating and hard.
While I wont get into too many particulars or sore spots because I have major trust issues...I'll tell you what I can and maybe(?) it will either help knowing you arent alone...or will help in your situation...dunno.
Anyway,...I was legally divorced on September 11,2001(go figure) some symbolism there....two towers falling down....
we were together 12 years...4 beautiful Babies. My life, for the most part was bein a Mommy.
He took something wrong he found(which he later...too later, admitted) and I came home from shopping for my sons bday present to find my stuff packed and a note to leave, that he had also called the police if I dint go "peacefully'..A small history to let you know,...this man was extremely controlling.....ANyway, I was niave and didnt know better and believed what he said in his note and I left.
But his plan didnt work about the part wher4e I always go back. I got brave enough and stood my ground.
Anyway...He had a good job....therefore a good attorney,...I was always mommy, therefore...a legal attorney,..if you can call ehr that...was very ugly and hopeless....the gameshe played during it all were immense...for me and my children.
the only good thing I can say, 2 year anniversary jsut past...is that he's finally grown up a little bit....let somer of his own anger die(at himself though he wont admit it) and quit trying so hard to constantly hurt me...I dont know why...or what brought it on...but I tried tomaintain friendly contact and keep the "other" comments to myslef or out of his earshot. Now mind you...he said and did MANY horrible things I would aloved to choke him for....but I had my kids to think about and what would it really have accomplished in the end?...Im not sure if that helped at all...but I know it could have been worse...It was very ugly and alot of things happened Im not rpepared to "share" on this Forum....but if you need someone to hold your hand or trry to answer a question you can PM me as well. seeking...Serenity

[geekgirl]

Serenity... thanks for the response. I'd PM you but, have other things going right now. Perhaps another time, you sound like you have a lot of wisdom.

Like you, I have my trust issues. And that is one thing that I really resent over all of this... that I lost my ability to trust myself. I now look over my shoulder constantly.

The date was pretty symbolic. We were officially divorced on April 15... very symbolic for us. He's not financially responsible, I ended up taking the brunt for some back taxes that we owed LOL. Long story there, but I could have worked with him with finances. I'm not a miser, but I did learn a lot of accouting and stuff over the years and when I questioned things in the money department, he always blew a gasket!

My life too revolved around being mom... even though I worked. I loved raising our girls, and he now knows he can get back at me by pointing out problems or mistakes in that area.

I need to go, but just wanted to let you know I got your message since I was still on line. I am actually working right now... and the stress of the extra hours isn't helping me a lot right now. But, the need is real... I have deadlines and the more hours I can bill out to a client, the bigger bonuses I get at the end of the year. And it's looking like I'm going to have to work my butt off for a bit to make sure I can make ends meet!

[Serenity]

{{{hugs}}}I'll be thinking about ya.....yep...mine knows the best way to hurt me is my babies...and that's exactly what he did.But he is now learning...careful what you wish for...you just might get it.
Can understand the financial side too...His high priced lawyer managed to screw me there too...even though I wasnt working and he was...I still bore the brunt of everything...financially,emotionally...every way....
Dont forget to take care of you too...make that time for yourself...you'll need it

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