whats wrong with me?

All my life all I wanted was to be loved as deeply as I love. The problem is that once someone starts falling for me, no matter what my feelings are for that person, I shut down and run as fast as I can. I don't understand why I cannot let myself be happy. I have been married for 7 years and now that he is finally showing me the love and respect I want-- I want out. It is almost like a challenge to make some one love me and then even though I love them so much, I don't want them anymore. I just do not understand why I am this way. I want love till I have it and then I run. I feel like it has something to do with my grandfather and how I was raised but I have been through therapy for the abuse I indored and thought I was ok. I don't want to be this way. I want to be able to have healthy relationship without running.
Please help me or at least let me know I am not alone.

Common Traits of Co-dependency

1. Difficulty identifying feelings accurately
2. Difficulty expressing feelings
3. Difficulty adjusting to change
4. Difficulty making decisions
5. Difficulty letting go
6. Difficulty dealing with conflict
7. Difficulty overcoming shame
8. Difficulty setting boundaries
9. Difficulty being flexible
10. Difficulty with people-pleasing
11. Difficulty postponing gratification
12. Difficulty forming and maintaining close or intimate relationships

From 'Healing The Family Within' by Robert Subby, (c) 1990, p. 43.

You are not alone!

www.adultchildren.org

I think you need to identify what real love is. When we are abused we often were not shown real caring love for lack of better words. We sometimes get attracted to those who don't show us love and then we reenact our relationship with our loved ones who did not treat us right. Through therapy and self help books, seminars, and talking about it we can relearn what true love is and or how we really should be treated. I mean we should be treated lovingly and cared about. I hope you will stay with your spouse who is treating you right or seek therapy to work out whatever is bothering you. I don't know exactly why you want out. I do know, though, that we deserve good treatment. We shouldn't have to try to make people love us. I think the behaviour we exhibit of trying to make people treat us right and love us is a sort of acting out what happened in our past. Try and think logically about what you need and want in a relationship and incorporate that into your belief system. That is what the goal of therapy should be, too. I, too, went through trying to make a man treat me better. When I look back at it I was in a lot of pain all the time and reliving my childhood of looking for love or someone to show they really cared and I never got it from him. I didn't get it then (but deserved love) but I do deserve love and concern now and my goal is to find a man who will show me honesty, love, concern, committment and perseverence. We deserve the best even if we did not get it in our past. Sometimes we are frightened by real concern because it is unfamiliar and doesn't feel like the "love" (those who we were raised by did not show us real love) we had in childhood. Our childhoods often did not contain real caring or committment or kindness. The word love has so many meanings, I think I should leave it out and just describe what a relationship needs: caring, committment, kindness, concern, loyalty, and more good things. I think you would benefit from counseling that will help you accept what is good for you and not what is bad for you. It could help you not to run from those who are good to you, too. I became afraid of relationships because I did what you did, too. Now I am looking for someone who really cares and I know it will be hard for me because I tend to do the same thing. It was so painful when I look back. I haven't had a significant other in years but I want to be treated good and accept that, too. The thought of it is scary to me, too. I'm going to work on it in therapy, too. Good luck to you and best wishes that you are treated very well.

Thank you!

What is really strange about my husband though is that For all of our marriage till 2 months ago, he was cruel and cold hearted to me but I stuck in there and now that he see's where he was wrong, he is truly trying to show me all the love he can. I think sometimes maybe I am scared to go back to where things were but at the same time I know it is worth a try but no matter how much I love this man, I can not get out fast enough. I wonder sometimes if I am really capable of love because all my life I have "loved" till I got my way and then My feelings shut down. It is awful that I am admiting this but even with my grandma, I worshiped the ground she walked on but when she died, I felt nothing. That really bothers me. I just don't understand myself and I want to go back into therapy but I just have no time with work, kids, and school. Thank you for your note.

hi lost,

i posted to you in the other forum. oops....

when i was in school, i saw the counselor before or after a class. best thing, it was free.

take care,

splash

I wish that was an option for me but I go to a small university with nothing like that but thank you.