Shouldn't have read that email

Thank you again to everybody who has replied, and I wanted to just give an update, and answer a couple of questions hanging out there.

I did finally ask her about the email. Surprisingly she did not even focus on me reading it. Maybe she would have been more upset if I had been digging deep in her mail folders...but clicking on something that was on the screen when I sat down, she said was not that important compared to the issues the email was about.

I think she felt bad that I saw the discussion, but what I said was, basically: look, hurt feelings are not that big a deal, I can get over that. But it is a problem when she has severe issues w/the relationship that she can only vent to someone else, and cannot even start to address with me. Venting to friends is not that big a deal, look, I am not such a dope that I think it doesn't happen. But it becomes a problem when she is telling a MUTUAL friend this stuff, and hiding from me that this mutual friend now knows all kinds of unhappy things about our relationship, and has lowered the friend's opinion of me. And it is a problem when that friend delights in spreading gossip about others' troubles. (Hmm, maybe I am better off gaining some distance from this friend anyway.)

Anyway, this did not turn into a big fight, just more talking it through...and in fact she said she had some regrets after the emails, that she had chosen this person to vent to. And we agreed that venting is great but it can't be all there is, you have to work on the relationship if you want it to last.

Do I love her? Sure. Does she still love me? I hope so. Do I want the relationship to continue? Yes, because when we are functioning well, we support each other very well. I want to have both parents under one roof to raise the kids, because when things are bad for one or even both parents, it is still better than going it alone. I don't think the relationship is the only problem, and I think splitting up, as things stand, would just create two unhappy households out of one.

Ugh, that's just awful. And seeing today the news stories about Teabaggers yelling racist slurs at the black congressmen...ugh, ugh, ugh.

Thank you Slothrop. It disgusts me too. It hurts when it's thrown in my face, but it's equally as painful when it's stabbed into my back.

It appears to be time for all of us to start communicating as adults and work on being truthful with ourselves and others. Throwing daggers and threats at each other, telling lies, pulling pranks and spreading gossip is NOT communication. It's time for adults to quit fighting, get out of the sandbox, and act like adults. Like it or not, we're the example for the next generation.

We need to show them how to walk in this world. We need to show them how to communicate with each other in a way that will lead to resolving our differences without destroying each other. I understand people need to think about their own welfare, but what is so wrong about caring for the welfare of others?

It sounds like you and your wife have a good start in resolving your issues. I'm glad she wasn't upset about the email. It's was a good topic starter. Maybe you should re-title this "Glad I read that email."

BTW - My husband thanks you for keeping me occupied so he can have some quiet time,

I wish you and your wife all the very best. I hope the med changes help. I’ve been dealing with depression since my early teens. I witnessed my mother deal with it her whole life. Even with this vast experience, it’s so draining! I KNOW being compliant with my doctor and my medication makes my life better. But somehow I still resist. It’s illogical I know.

I tell you this because I really understand your statement “It bothers me that she can be perfectly happy as long as she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t feel like…” A good 70% of my life has been spent holding it together by the thinnest, frayed thread. Just before the “catatonic” stage I appear fine to everyone except my husband (who has been on this ride with me for a very long time).

I am able to function, such as it is. But the smallest thing can tip the scales, an unwanted phone call, visitor, or towel on the bathroom floor for the millionth time. Since I’ve been dealing with this over 30 years, I know where I’m headed, and I try frantically to avoid that trigger that will spiral me out of control. Unfortunately I don’t know what the trigger will be. Sometimes it’s all I can do just to get out of bed. If I pull it together enough to work, the very thought of all of the tasks I “should” be doing is enough to overwhelm me.

I think it would be a good idea to discuss these issues with your wife’s doctor. She cannot get the help she really needs without full disclosure. She may not initially appreciate you being so forth coming with her doctor. I know I was quite embarrassed that I wasn’t able to fulfill all of my obligations as a wife and mother.

My husband is a very understanding person. He notices “clues” that I was headed into a bad place. For example, I normally change the sheets at least three times a week. It’s one of my ticks. I’ve been doing it my whole life. As the depression increases these things that are important to me fall to the way-side. He doesn’t enjoy helping me change the linens, and he’d be quite satisfied with doing it once a week. But over the years, he’s learned if I’m not changing the sheets, or the cupboards aren’t organized, I’m sliding down hill and we need to speak to the doctor.

We’re fortunate that we have an excellent old fashion doctor that actually knows us. So when my husband says “the towels in the linen closet aren’t tidy” he isn’t treated like some sort of an ogre (as he could care less how they’re folded or placed in there) but it’s taken as sign things are going bad.

Yeah, first off bad idea getting into the email on one hand, but the other hand, you two should be able to sit down and talk about anything and everything. So I feel she is at fault sharing what I feel is a very personal issue with her GF. And I dont care how long they have known each other. Even my fmaily does not know about some of the issues I have been going through. I sit down with my husband, and beleive me it is not always easy. But if I cant go to him...
Yeah , we say neg. things from time to time, we are not perfect. We get mad, we vent. BUt you have to have that foundation with that person whom you commited your life with for BETTER or WORSE..lot of people cant deal with the worse part. We dont pray to get an illness. It just happens.

Dont think you mentioned how long married. We are 20 yrs, 19 of that in the military.With all my problems and military issues..wow. We have had alot of talks over the years, makes us understand more.

Sounds like you have alot on your plate, medically. You stated she has depression as well, is she in treament? First step is seeing the problem, right now I see it as her ****** attitude. Yeah, you may be working alot or whatnot, and that is more stress on the mind and body. If she is not in treatment she NEEDS to be. And first off I would put my foot down about talking to people outside the home about your personal issues., even though you snooped.
You need a support system to help maintain your sanity.Not someone that knocks you down or around.

I can sympathize, sometimes I honestly don't know how I'm doing what I am. And there have been a few periods where I basically haven't functioned. I went through a phase like that a few years ago and I think the relationship is still reeling from the stress. (That's not the only factor, but it's one.)

I like clean linens, like your husband...but it seems like my wife and I both just let that go to seed at some point. I'm afraid to look too closely at the sheets right now...they might be getting pretty yucky!

You're right, I didn't mention it! We will be at 20 years soon, have been a couple for almost 25. Where did that time go??

My family is not in the loop on all my issues either. "Physical" problems like IBD, yes, but "intangibles" like bipolar, no. (I put those things in quotes because I think that is the perception!)

I agree, that support system really needs to be there--I don't think either of us is doing a very good support job right now, just kind of scraping by on the basics. I think if we communicated better and supported better, we would find we got more out of it than we put in.

I think you used a pretty good adjective for her attitude... My attitude is probably not the greatest either, but I feel I understand where mine is coming from mentally, and can work on it. It is hard to tell where her attitude is coming from, how much is physiological, how much is just resenting the situation we are in right now...heck, I don't know if she knows. We have to make some sense of that if she's going to feel better.

I'm really glad you guys talked. That is going to help more than anything. Especially if she can start to see you as a confidant more than ya'lls friend. I hope the visit with her to the pdoc goes well too. And I'd just like to reiterate what AAAAA said, it really does sometimes get where the best you can do is just partially function and its the "stuff" that puts you over the edge. Maybe she's just not at a place where she can get up and be awake AND do household/family stuff and stay in any sort of sane place? I'm so happy you are talking to each other!