[hurtandconfused29]

So my last thread was in January and I had such high hopes for my situation....re-cap my husband drinks. (ALOT) He would never touch me sexually when he was sober. I bared my soul and he said he was going to work on it. I supported him through his attempt (which didn't last long) So instead of talking I let it go. And then I began to get a little more miserable everyday.

On The 2nd at 5 am I got a phone call from the police telling me I needed to get home immediately. Apparently my husband came home so drunk that he fell and was screaming for help. The neighbor heard him and called 911. When they arrived they had to kick in our front door and there was my husband lying in the living room soaked in his own urine, yelling for help. The paramedics were trying to get him on the gurney and he started yelling at them to get out and he wouldn't go with them.

I left work and got home and sat in a chair for 5 hours watching him snore on the living room floor...I got our door fixed and I left. Just packed a bag and left...he called me the next morning and couldn't understand why I left......I told him I wouldn't come home until he proved to me that I am more important than his drinking. Is that wrong? I want to go home but I am afraid that then he will just assume that if he messes up again it won't be a big deal because I will just cave in eventually. I really need some advice. How long should I give him? How long should he not drink before I know that he really has chosen me? I am so confused and I can't seem to turn off my brain...I can't sleep, I'm not really eating I can't live like this. Can anyone help me? ANy advice would be greatly appreciated....help!!

[Belle1979]

Well done on being strong and leaving. My heart goes out to you.

I've been sober almost 5 years and it was only when I realised that I was going to lose EVERYTHING that I stuck to actually giving up the drink.
I had done it a few times before but when it seemed like it was forgotten I just started drinking again. (so as you said 'will he assume that if he messes up again it wont be a big deal" - that's what I saw it as.)
Stick to your guns, give him support if needed, giving up drinking is hard but don't give in.
Time frame wise I'm not sure, maybe he has to join AA or something to prove that he is really commited to you and not the drink.

Hope this helps in someway xx

[Envision]

Do you have insurance or some local place where he could get into a treatment program? If you need assurance that he's working on it, how else can you tell unless somebody else verifies it for you. After the incident you described, seems like professional help may be needed before something worse happens, DUI, accident, etc. If the above isn't an option, like Belle said, AA or someone who deals with these issues and can best advise you on what the best plan may be. Make some calls and let us know what you find out.

Does your husband acknowledge he has a problem? Would he consider rehabbing?

[1flagwriter]

Is he committed to trying? If he is committed, recommend waiting until you see concrete evidence that's he's trying.

[hurtandconfused29]

Thank you all for the advice and yes he has admitted that he has a problem and his drinking has gotten out of hand. I am sticking to my guns and it hurts bad to be without my husband. He calls me everynight before bed and one thing I do know is that he has not been drinking since that night. He also understands that if the drinking starts again I am leaving for good. No more chances.

My husband is a very honest person even when he was at his drunkest (not sure if that's a word) he has always been honest about everything so I am taking him at his word. I am not going home yet but honestly I don't know how much longer I can be apart from him. It's very lonely. This may sound kind of corny but he is the only man that I have ever given a second chance with pretty much anything. I am confident that that means something that I am willing to let my own rules slide. I am also aware that if he starts the drinking again I have to leave and then I will file for a divorce and that will be that. I will keep you posted..

p.s. He and I have talked about AA and he said that if it gets too hard to handle on his own that he will go to an AA meeting here in town (as long as I go with him) I am confident that he means every word because he knows that I am dead serious.

[bebop]

I have been there hon. exactly where you are. I really hate to tell you but you can't force him to stop drinking. for them it isn't a choice. I think it is pretty rare for one to stop under those circumstances. if you really want to work it out I strongly suggest going to alanon for yourself. he will not stop until he wants to. it won't be for you or anyone else. if you need an ear I am here for you. feel free to pm me.

[Envision]

Sorry but I got to disagree 100% with your p.s. note. Its already too hard to handle on his own that's how he got where he is. You leaving him now for having another drink seems patently unfair to you both. AA and/or counseling should be a part of his and your life ASAP. That's a solution. Expecting him to quit cold turkey on his own with you possibly leaving him also hanging over his head is a recipe for disaster. If he means this much too you, start making call now.

[hurtandconfused29]

Ok so I hear what bebop and envision are saying. I will talk with him. I just want my husband back! I believe that I am at the point where if he were to start drinking again I would stay (i know that's wrong) but I would rather have him when he's drunk than not have him at all. I love him sooo much. I will try anything to make this work. I also know that if the drinking starts again then I will have to make a choice and I am afraid that I will choose him over myself. Man I sound seriously messed up and I am not making any sense. I will however try Alanon classes and who knows what the future holds but I suppose that I have to deal with the choices I have made as far as staying with him or leaving him should the drinking begin again. I will keep you posted as often as I can. I work ALOT but I will attempt to stay in touch often....thank you all and really keep the advice coming if anyone has anymore I appreciate all I can get.

[salukigirl]

My aunt is an alcoholic and has been sober for 15 years but still goes to AA. What he needs to realize is that alcoholism is a disease. He CANNOT do it alone. If he could....then he wouldn't be an alcoholic. When something becomes an issue to the point that your wife has left you....that's time to wake up. And if he doesn't then you're better off without him. I know that hurts and sucks to say but it's true. Alcoholism will always be a part of him. It's not like once he quits for a few months he is cured. This is something that requires constant attention so, even if he is serious about quitting, you need to decide if it is something YOU can deal with. Are you going to be okay with not drinking because it's too hard for him to even be near it? And the sponsor situation can be tricky too. If he becomes serious about AA he will have to get a sponsor that he will need to call every time he feels the urge to drink and have to build up an extremely strong relationship with. I know it doesn't sound difficult but it can really hurt when your husband has to call someone else to stay sober rather than talking to you. There are a lot of things to consider even if he does decide to get clean. Decide if you can handle the situation either way. I hope he does but my prior experience tells me that alcoholism can be powerful enough to ruin lives and have people go without food or clean clothes just to have that drink. It's more powerful than anyone can understand.

Good luck, hurtandconfused29.

[bebop]

I loved my husband too. he was my everything! I would give him the moon if I could have. it takes more than love to make it work. I was getting seriously sick myself and decided finally I could not take anymore. he died in 2002 from it. even now with me remarried I still love that man and who he was before the drinking began. Just because you might leave does not mean you stop loving. do you have kids together?

[mafub]

He said he would go to AA if you went with him---He/you(?) can call AA and they will help him. They are best informed in how to help him now. You need ALANON, do you need him to go to that with you?-bet not! If he is serious, he will do what he has to do, and that is to act immediately, no excuses or delay! Keep strong, you have a tough adjustment period to travel. This is serious business!

[hurtandconfused29]

Originally Posted by bebop

I loved my husband too. he was my everything! I would give him the moon if I could have. it takes more than love to make it work. I was getting seriously sick myself and decided finally I could not take anymore. he died in 2002 from it. even now with me remarried I still love that man and who he was before the drinking began. Just because you might leave does not mean you stop loving. do you have kids together?

We do not have any children yet and I do know that if the situation goes back to the way it was I will have to leave. So far so good and I am staying very optomistic. I do appreciate all the advice and feel that for right now I need to support his decision to try this on his own. It may not be the right choice but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I do however like to hear (read) all of the advice that you all have given me and it helps, thank you and I will keep you all posted.