Infidelity--may be a trigger for some!

jenkins09 · Apr 08, 2010, 07:58 PM

I am a man whose wife had an affair. She minimizes it and just expects me to "get over it."

I am extremely jaded and PISSED. I was numb (emotionally) when I first found out and missed two weeks of work. I want to cry at times but physically cant.

I dont know if I can ever love her again, trust her again. Her behavior leads me to believe that I cant. I know this is irrational thinking, but I feel like there are no women out there who wont cheat.

THIS SUCKS!

Tatyana2009 · Apr 08, 2010, 08:12 PM

Ho Jenkins. I am sorry.

I wonder - what do you mean by 'affair'? - I am assuming the full blown thing over a period of time. And she expects you to get over it? Sounds to me a bit detached from reality and mean.

Some couples can get over this. But it takes a lot of work from both sides. If one just minimises it - well... how can you work on it? Did you try to talk to her about it calmly and explain how you feel?

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I want to cry at times but physically cant.

Why is that? Honestly. How come you cannot cry physically? Is this the only thing you cant cry about or other things as well?

I wonder whether you have lost someone close to you in the past? Maybe someone died and you felt deserted and angry?

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I dont know if I can ever love her again, trust her again. Her behavior leads me to believe that I cant.

I understand that. That is natural and it may take some time before you know whether there is something worth rescuing here.

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I know this is irrational thinking, but I feel like there are no women out there who wont cheat.

It is irrational. I am glad you know that. She is one woman. Not all of us cheat. Like not all men cheat. My sister once said to me that the worse thing that can happen to a man is being cheated by a woman. My bf's (recently ex) ex wife cheated on him with another man. The thing is - originally she cheated with him on her then husband at the time... so he can only blame himself really. I wonder whether you blame yourself in any way? This can be very difficult. You may feel like you are not good enough and your ego have taken a serious blow+you trusted her and she betrayed your trust.

All I can say - take your time to assess where you stand with this. I can imagine there is a lot of pain, sadness and anger to be dealt with. It takes time.

If she does not want to end the marriage - then its up to you to see if you can work with her to rebuild what is lost. Good luck!

cocos421 · Apr 08, 2010, 08:13 PM

I know how pissed off and hurt you must be feeling. My sister has been cheating on her husband. He's been calling me and crying on the phone. I feel so bad for him. I don't think he could trust her again, even though he wants to. He'll just be suspicious every time she goes anywhere and he'll always be snooping. That's not what you're supposed to do in a marriage. Most men I know would throw their wife out if they caught her cheating. She shouldn't expect you to just get over it. In fact, she should be kissing your ***** right now if she wants this to work out with you. She's the one who's at fault here.
As far as finding a woman who won't cheat, they are out there. I've been married 6 years and never have or never will cheat on my husband. I don't put myself into situations where I can get involved with a man like that.

And maybe it doesn't "suck". Maybe there is someone better for you out there. With morals. Someone who was really made for you.

jenkins09 · Apr 08, 2010, 08:33 PM

Tatyana, by affair I mean, she broke her vow to me to forsake all others. She rekindled a relationship with an old boyfriend via facebook. She and he exchanged nude photos, had phone sex and she discussed our private life (or what I thought was private). The made plans to meet and have sex, he said he was going to "fill her up" and not use a condom.

She was pressuring him to leave his wife and kids so they could get married. I found all these transcripts of these conversations she had with her damn Blackberry messenger.

The thing is I dont always want to have that question in my mind "is she up to something?". That is not living and not a good marriage. We share a child together, but I wont stay with her just because of that. Its just hard to know when to walk away. Im a Christian man and took my vows seriously.

John25 · Apr 08, 2010, 08:40 PM

Did you both ever consider counseling because these serious trust issues in the relationship?

jenkins09 · Apr 08, 2010, 09:27 PM

We have done the counseling thing..she really doesnt think the affair is a big deal because she didnt have sex. It would have been easier to deal with had she just had a one night stand. The fact that she gave herself to this man emotionally is what kills me, she gave to him what was supposed to be shared between only us.

Belle1979 · Apr 09, 2010, 07:32 AM

The emotional betrayal is worse than the sexual in my opinion... It's that what you have shared with the person shouldn't be able to be shared with any other.. then they go and have an emotional affair....
Sounds like you may benefit from seeing a T alone, to get your frustration out and your life back on track.

jenkins09 · Apr 09, 2010, 09:36 AM

I am in individual therapy...for awhile now dealing with my own issues...my T told me it will be a long road with my wife, if it will work out at all.

Tatyana2009 · Apr 09, 2010, 10:00 AM

I am so pleased you are going to therapy yourself. It is important that you focus on you in all this and not punish yourself.

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Tatyana, by affair I mean, she broke her vow to me to forsake all others. She rekindled a relationship with an old boyfriend via facebook. She and he exchanged nude photos, had phone sex and she discussed our private life (or what I thought was private). The made plans to meet and have sex, he said he was going to "fill her up" and not use a condom.

Well... I am sorry. This must be very painful, even without knowing all the details... She betrayed your trust and crossed a line that will be very very very difficult to re-establish, if at all. I dont like that she minimised it. She should take responsibility for her actions and acknowledge the effect this has on you. This is the most worrying thing for me - the fact that she does not.

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She was pressuring him to leave his wife and kids so they could get married. I found all these transcripts of these conversations she had with her damn Blackberry messenger.

Well, then - isnt that clear? she wanted him to leave his wife... so maybe you need to think - whether there is anything left between you two...

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The thing is I dont always want to have that question in my mind "is she up to something?". That is not living and not a good marriage.

Yes. I agree. Its no way to live and you will end up hating each other.

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We share a child together, but I wont stay with her just because of that.

I agree.

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Its just hard to know when to walk away. Im a Christian man and took my vows seriously.

I am sure you did. I think you deserve better. Work through your anger and hurt and see if in the end of the day you want this to work. And if she does. It takes two to commit and one to destroy.

I am here for you if you need to talk xxx

Shangrala · Apr 09, 2010, 10:53 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened. I can't even begin to imagine having to go throught something of this nature.

Your wife has violated trust in every respect. IMO, it seems that because she had an emotional affair, (despite of who it was with), she was seeking something that she obviously wasn't receiving in her marriage/relationship with you. And in that respect, (even if she has ended this present thing with this past bf), because it is something she seems to be seeking to satify her emotional needs, I can't help but to wonder if, (or, more appropriately, when), she will inevitably look again, elsewhere.

I'm not one who sees the doom in things, but your wife's behavior seems to tell a tale.
She wants to dismiss this "affair" without any further thought, as though it was an innocent stroll in a park. She isn't showing any remorse, regret or primarily, concern for you and imo, that alone pretty much sums it up. She's looking for something she isn't receiving with you. And shame on her for deceiving you as she has.

I agree with you that if this was limited to just a physical fling, then that would be easier to deal with, (as lust has a way of dictating some of our behaviors that lead to possible irrational thinking which cause some to act upon those urges).

She has placed you into a position where you must focus on YOU and your needs. Keep up with your private therapy sessions. They will get you through this. Take care of you. It's all you can do at this point.
I'm so sorry this has happend.

Shangrala

lynn P. · Apr 09, 2010, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenkins09

I am a man whose wife had an affair. She minimizes it and just expects me to "get over it."

I am extremely jaded and PISSED. I was numb (emotionally) when I first found out and missed two weeks of work. I want to cry at times but physically cant.

I dont know if I can ever love her again, trust her again. Her behavior leads me to believe that I cant. I know this is irrational thinking, but I feel like there are no women out there who wont cheat.

THIS SUCKS!

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I understand how you feel because I'm in a horrible situation(on going) myself. My situation is worse than yours, even though I know it hard to measure emotional pain. I wonder the same thing - is it possible to find a loyal partner? I know I would never cheat and I'm sure there are others who feel the same.

I think you're in the angry stage and frozen at the moment. It's hard to cry when you're in the angry stage. You're looking for validation of your feelings(justifiably) and you're not getting it -hence feeling stuck. Your wife needs to understand how you feel emotionally betrayed. You figure, if she was convincing him to leave his wife, then she was probably planning on giving up her marriage. This is huge!!! You and your wife need to determine if SHE really wants to continue this marriage and why was she willing to jeapardize it.

The 1st step is for her to acknowledge how you feel. You need to own your feelings and she needs to understand and empathize -not minimize your feelings. Then you both need to determine does she want to remain married and if yes - can you forgive her?

The biggest hurdle is her acknowledging your pain. If you/she want to stay in the marriage then you both need to get in counseling. I hope you figure this out.

*BTW - I think the internet has made emotional cheating and physical cheating so easy and accesible. I hate it. I know we're both so p***ed.