[IndigoD]

So 9 months ago I found out my husband had cheated on me (will spare the details for now!), we talked about it (and cried and shouted etc) and decided to stay together and work things out. My husband has done almost all of the right things - he disconnected from the woman (girl!), apologised to me, and is now being kind, buying me flowers, has been patient and reassuring when I have felt insecure. And I really appreciate it. He has heard what I have said to him. He has shown genuine remorse and a renewed commitment to our relationship. Now it seems like all is well. We are coming up for our 12th anniversary.
Only it isn't. I have occasional nightmares, very emotionally charged, where I discover he has been cheating on me like it's the first time all over again. In the most recent dream he was totally heartless and we were breaking up - I was even figuring out how to divide our assets! I also demanded total disclosure from him (in the dream) and he admitted it had been going for years. In waking life, this was a one off incident that lasted several months while he was traveling. But I have had doubts in the past and suspect there may be a prior incident - I have asked but insists there hasn't.
So the question is - did I move on too quickly? Could my dreams be residual unresolved anger? Should I talk about it? I am concerned if I do this may seem like I am "punishing" him and actually set us backwards - it seems like we are making such good progress. I don't want to be simply dwelling on the negative. I see myself as a very happy, positive, strong person, and believe I have the power to make my life better if I chose - and I do not chose sadness or the role of victim. I know marriages can survive infidelity and even come out stronger. I want that to be us. But maybe this is a kind of denial and I am just sweeping bigger issues under the rug? Should I just work on my own personal issues with these dreams, or do I need to drag him into my unresolved feelings? Thoughts?

[Belle1979]

Have you tried seeing a counsellor? - both together and also you may want to try seeing one just for yourself too

[lynn P.]

I agree you might want to try counseling. You mentioned you suspected he was unfaithful before. I think you've had these feeling of mistrust for a while and now you're faced with how to renew the trust. My heart goes out to you - I've been there.

Does not sound like you have forgiven him. Forgiveness is not condoning or forgetting. But if you are harboring a residual of bitterness, it will manifest itself. If a reconciliation is going to work, you need to be brutally honest with yourself. Either you forgive him or you don't. For a stronger marriage to emerge, your husband needs to know you trust him.

Good luck.

[Envision]

I don't know if one can ever forget in these situations. Forgiveness is a individual matter. I personally couldn't ever trust them again, I tried and thought people deserve second chances, but some things in life they just don't. To suspect a prior incident now that the trust has been broken carries a lot more weight. You know him better than anyone, and you will be the one who has to deal with the fallout if it doesn't work. No simple answer sorry, maybe see a T to figure out more clearly how you really feel about trusting him again. Hope you got a good guy who just made a major major mistake and it won't happen again. I feel for you. Best of luck.

[IndigoD]

thanks for your help everyone, much appreciated! I do really believe I have a good guy, but I think maybe he has his own unresolved issues still. Getting him to counseling would be impossible - he works so hard I can't even spend a weekend with him! We agreed we are working towards a goal together, but he works so much it doesn't feel "together" anymore. His work complicates the issue - it a another reason not to address anything. He is always too busy or too tired. Or so he says. Really I think it's just an excuse to not face up to what caused the problem in the first place. Maybe I haven't really forgiven him. I know I feel like something is missing, maybe it's him, maybe it's me. Maybe we are so keen to be happy we won't admit anything is wrong, or maybe nothing is wrong and all we need is some time together away from work to address these things. Who knows. I will try and talk to him again, and then if nothing changes, I don't know how long I can just go along pretending everything is fine. Maybe it just needs time and patience. Maybe it needs me to confront him or leave him. I don't know. I guess I'll just see how it goes! Thanks everyone. xx

Good luck, IndigoD?

[Envision]

Update, how's it going?

[IndigoD]

Originally Posted by Envision

Update, how's it going?

Thanks for asking!
No progress really. I guess we are at that stage where everything could just coast for a really long time. The main issue is not having time together, we can never talk about anything because we never have one on one time. He invited me to dinner with his work people last night, and he sees that as him "doing well" by including me. I am trying to schedule and hour with him to make some basic decisions about our house/finances and we can't even find time for that, let alone a heart to heart. I really do think he thinks he is trying hard, but I also think deep down he is afraid of addressing what needs to be said or done between us. When we had our crisis, he said stuff that really hurt me, like he didn't think he was "in love" with me anymore, we don't have fun together, and he is not attracted to me anymore. I don't know how much of that was true, how much came from the fact that another woman was showering attention on hi and giving him that thrill of first romance, which of course, being married for nearly 12 years, I can never compete with. But how can we have fun together when we never even do anything together? He prioritises everything above me, above our relationship. I have tried everything to make him talk, make him find time. Now it is up to me whether I:
1.just accept it and "settle" for what we have,
2. be patient and hopeful that one day he will see the light and things will change, or
3. admit nothing will ever change, decide I need more in life and move on

I don't think there is anything else I can do now. I am all efforted out! :-) It's time for him to step up or me o accept he won't. I feel a bit tired and sad, but strangely not depressed. I am past the weeping and wailing. I know I will be ok, one way or the other. Just need to make a choice, I suppose.

[Envision]

I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong thing to do here. And waiting for him to make a decision is even tougher. Will he go to therapy? If not, that tells you something. It's always sad when love doesn't work out how we planned. I hope things make a turn for the better soon.

[CJR520]

I understand right where you are coming from. It will take time, and I don't care what anyone says. "It does not go back to being the same." Each of us has to find our own way of dealing with these things. I guess I really don't understand why people have to pick on other married folks when there are so many singles in the world. I think they enjoy wrecking other people's lives. I hope you are able to finally get to the place that is right for you. After almost three years, I am still having those days!

IndigoD, please remember he created the problem. Take care of yourself. If you need the help of a therapist to sort out things, I hope you find one. Love yourself.

Good luck.

[IndigoD]

thanks everyone! feels so good to have people who understand! CJR, I don't know if it is comforting or not that after 3 years you still have "those days!" :-) I feel for you!
It really did change everything for me. I had this, perhaps idealistic view (call me immature, but I always preferred romantic!) that he and I were somehow special, what we had was not like a "normal" relationship - it was better. People would comment on our connection, how much he clearly loved me etc. Even when talking to a friend about our "rough patch" (didn't mention details, as she is a good mutual friend) she replied "well at least he didn't cheat on you - he would never do that, you know." I can still smile ironically at that.
Last night I dreamed again that I asked him for divorce - but said if he really wanted me I would reconsider. A friend in the dream asked why I wasn't crying, I replied, "I am past crying, I've cried enough over the years for this."
I woke feeling sad, but muted sad, like I know my heart is too strong to be broken, but maybe something else was broken that can't ever be fixed - my youth, my romanticism, my unfailing belief in him, my world view. He made me imagine that there is choice of a life apart. I never could imagine that before. The only thing that would have separated us would have been death or imprisonment (even then we used to joke how we would break the other out and go into hiding together.) Now I feel like I am the one who can end this, I am strong enough to do it. The question is, do I still believe in our love? If this dies, it will be because I stopped believing. That is what makes me sad. That I could give up on this, on him. I could walk away. And that means that everything we thought we believed in was simply not true. We were caught up in a childish fantasy and all those high ideals of love and ever after were foolish dreams.
Does doing this require my heart to be strong, or simply hard?
I don't want to do something I will regret for the rest of my life.
Walk away or stay?
Does he love me or doesn't he?
Worth it or not?
who knows................

[jenkins09]

IndigoD,

My wife had an affair and I found out a little over 10 months ago. I can tell you that for the first two weeks after finding out I was numb. I am now going through the grieving process, which is normal.

You will be sad, angry, hopeful, in denial, and every emotion in between. If you are to be able to heal and move forward with your husband you (he) is going to have to man up and be able to discuss it with you. You have the right to ask him any questions you want and he should answer them honestly.

You shoud remember that HE and HE alone cause you this pain. You are responsible for your part in the marriage not being the best it could be, but he is 100% responsible for the affair. He made a conscious choice to break his vows to you and cheat.

If you guys dont talk this out I dont see how you can move forward. He has to figure out why he lacks boundries and allowed himself to cheat. Dont feel bad for how you feel. You need to know he is truly remorseful and he should visibly show it.

To this day I'm mad as hell and thats okay. I am working towards saving my marriage, but honestly I dont know if it will work. I dont look at life the same anymore or my marriage. Its like my wife is a stranger and I never knew her at all. The marriage we once had is gone and we have to start brand new.

Love yourself and dont settle. Life is too short. Do the work, try to save your marriage if your hearts in it, but dont settle. And if he wont work on himself in therapy, he will probably cheat again. Be good to you.

[IndigoD]

Hi everyone, and thanks sooo much for your kind support!
So, latest update - we had a fight! I started it. I had started to get suspicious when he was late home on a Friday night, I could tell he was lying to me. I was just building up to confront him, tell him about the nightmares, how I can't trust him. Then Easter came and he showered me with chocolate eggs, even had flowers delivered. I was placated. Until he was late home again, without letting me know he would be. So when he finally got in we ranted and raved. I still think a lot of what I said to him was true. I threatened to leave.
But he said two really important things.
1 - I had let the relationship become everything to me. This is true. I used to be wild, free spirited, independent. We relocated, I guess I blamed him for "following" him and giving up my job, my life. I became passive. I gave away my personal power. I relied on him for all my happiness. This is true. When he said I used to be really independent and wasn't any more (of course I argued you cant be totally independent in a marriage) but it was like a light went off. I want strong, independent, happy me back. I claim this. How can I expect him to respect me when I don't respect myself? How can I be happy when I blame everyone else for my misery?
So - actions: I am working on setting up a business, and going back to university to finish my post grad studies. I will finish my book. I will do these things for ME!
2 - He was lying to me about being late that Friday night. He had snuck out to buy me easter eggs.

So, I feel bad about not trusting him, but I don't feel bad about trying to make him understand. I think he is shell shocked now. I am going to leave it all alone for a while and just focus on me. I don't think we need any more dramas or fights or crying or recriminations for a while. I am glad I said what needed to be said. And now I choose to live for me again. Not chase his love. The best way for me to get better is not feel him reaching out for me, but to remember what it's like to know love and confidence in my own heart. Where-ever we end up then, I will be ok. I have to stop needing him quite so badly.

So, there we are, for what its worth. Hope maybe my experiences are helpful to other people! And thanks everyone!

[perpetuallysad]

I cannot tell you how to live your life, because you have to make those decisions. But I will give you some things to think about:

Does he literally work 7 days a week, no days off? If so, WHY?

How many hours a day does he work? Does he have a "lunch hour" that maybe you guys could meet during a few times a week, just to spend time together?

Do you trust him?? (This one is big, because from reading what you say, it doesn't seem like you trust him.)

If he won't go to therapy, will you go by yourself?

How are you doing, IndigoD?

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/inf...0/METHOD=print