[seeker1950]

Hi again, all,
For several years now, I have corresponded with my high school sweetheart. We both grew up in impoverished conditions in the coalfields of WV. We were unique in our circumstances, and gravitated to each other from the 7th grade onwards. He eventually went off to Harvard, and is now a mediation lawyer and judge, living in Boston.
We had maintained a sort of relationship thoughout our college years, while attending different schools. I married someone who reminded me, at least intitally, in a physical way, of him. He confided to a mutual friend of ours that he had chosen to marry his wife because she looked like me.
Anyway, during the past ten years or so, we have had sporadic contact. Now, his contact with me is daily, several emails a day as well as mine to him.
He has "nursed" me thru my latest attempt at a relationship, about which I have posted here (with the Psychology Ph.D.), with compassion and without judgment at my reckless behavior.
Over the weekend, while visiting my daughter and her family in Louisville, I was reading and answering an email from him, and my daughter, once again, voiced her disapproval at my communication with him, because he is married.
On one basic level, I know my daughter is right. She said she would be "livid" if her husband was communicating with an old flame ....daily.
But on another level, he and I do have a very strong bond from our backgrounds. He says his wife also has continued contact with old flames, and neither of them are bothered by it. At the same time, I know he is fairly content, and has no intentions of ever divorcing her. Because of this, I have tried to maintain a friendly association. Still, he emails me several times a day, telling me his schedule, etc., and even says he loves me as I do also to him.
I met his wife a couple of summers ago when they were in my area for his family reunion. They arrived at my house, and after a brief time, she excused herself and left him with me for the afternoon. I thought that was very gracious of her. He and I had a little time here at my home talking, and then we went to dinner.

He is scheduled to, once again, be in my area in October for a mediation hearing with a labor group. We will get to visit again. We plan on going to dinner.

I want to know from anyone here on the forum, if you see "wrong" in this. Your thoughts appreciated.
Seeker

[MacD]

My dear Seeker....You already know the answer to this one....you're just waiting for confirmation.......It is so clear to me that you deserve someone really special & with your background and intellect, that person isn't going to "jump out of any old pickle barrel".....patience, sister...patience......

i agree with Grace.......you know the answer, or you would not have asked us......i'd be most upset, even with myself, if i or my significant other (which i do not have now) e.mailed an old flame, (or anyone of the other sex) daily........it's gratification for you and makes you feel 'womanly'. you can be womanly without something that you have to run by us. it's gratification for him and how do you
REALLY know that it's okay with his wife and that she is in touch with all of her old flames? think about it, sister dear, think about it.........xoxoxo yours in middle-aged single hood. pat

[seeker1950]

Hi, friends.
I know you are right. Gosh, I too would be "livid," like my daughter said, if my significant other was emailing an old flame, or any other female, several times daily.
I will have to think about how to handle this, as I am truly fond of him.
Seeker

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I am I guess different than everyone else and though it is by the rules ...wrong.....and I would not like it done to me..I would do it if I felt that special bond..and would with someone I care about now..if he were to write me..heck I would do more than write...maybe it;s wrong but so is smoking, and fueling the car on ozone days and so many things...I say do it if it makes you feel good....Maybe someday it will be more maybe not. There is an old play called Love Letters...old and its kind of like this and also Bridges of Madison County..had she not BEEN with Clint Eastwood she never would have had a days happiness and been able to hang in with her family all those years...he was her heart...But again I am different than most people

[pimprenelle]

Hello,
I am not sure I can give advice, but I will try. I have quite a few male friends. We are having dinner together, we talk about everything and I really don't have any hidden agenda. My experience so far has been that the majority of these men would take more if I gave more. So in a way, it is playing with fire and if I had a boyfriend I would rip his head of if he had such a close relationship with a woman (just in case). At the same time, I find it annoying when some girlfriends get jealous at me. OK that's the general idea.
You say he "has no intentions of ever divorcing her. Because of this, I have tried to maintain a friendly association. Still, he emails me several times a day, telling me his schedule, etc." Sounds a bit like : I want to be with him, I feel bad about it (wife), I find legitimate reasons to be with him (one never knows: if he ends up divorcing, I will be around. Is his wife really interested ? After all, she left him alone with me !).
What do you think ? I am not saying you should let it be. As you said previously, it is better you know you are playing with fire and that you might get burnt. If you accept this risk, OK.
When it comes to love and frienship, should be always play it safe ? Are we kidding ourselves ?
I was once in a similar situation. I wrote the guy a long friendly letter. He probably thought I was crazy, but it helped me realize that I expected him to be much more than a friend and that I was expecting him to solve all my problems. After much reflection, I understood that while he was great buddy material, he was too easy-going with everybody (a pleaser) to be a good boyfriend. I also thought about his girlfriend and that was it. Today we are friends and I ignore any hint in another direction. But that's me.

[Parker10]

I am another who does not think this is wrong. I still am in contact with many people from my past , some of whom I dated. My husband knows about it , and since our relationship is strong, we arent jealous or worried that someone will come along and split us up. IF his wife knows (which she must - since she met you and left her husband in your home), I would say she is secure in her marriage, is a trusting and caring woman, and sees no harm in his friendship with you. That being said, if the "tone" of his E-mails would happen to change as this October trip gets closer, or if he starts getting more "personal", I might rethink things. You certainly don't want to be the "have his cake and eat it too" woman. It doesnt sound like he is that type person from what you said, but I would strongly recommend keeping it a "friendship" (since you know he will never leave his wife etc etc etc).

I have however, seen quite a few of my friends, have a strong desire to see an old flame, to see if that " feeling was still there". Two in particular come to mind. One started with E-mails, then phone calls, then they met for dinner (each traveling about 100 miles to do so). She was crushed by about halftime of the meal, there were no "sparks" left, and she could not wait to SPEED back home to her hubby ! The other was just the opposite. Once they saw each other, they both knew they "were meant to be". Both left their spouses, moved away together, and are now the happy little couple. One worked out, one didn't, and both of my friends had spent over 30 years wondering "what if". IF you are really into this as a friendship , and nothing else, I think it is great ! If you still have unresolved feelings, or think that you would be happy to rekindle your relationship from so many years ago, you could be actually harming your progress in forming a new lasting relationship with someone new. I dunno, I guess from my own situation, I see nothing wrong with being in touch even daily, but if you find yourself going to the computer to see if he has written, get upset if he hasnt, etc etc, it might not be a healthy situation for YOU. I rambled, hope you can see where I am coming from - or going with all this......and good luck !

[seeker1950]

Hi, Parker,
Your insights are always so wise.
Yes, his wife is a lovely person, and he says she also keeps contact with old beaus, going out to dinner, museums, etc. They are both not jealous of the other, but I think it's a solid marriage.
When she left him here at my house, I felt a "flush" of attraction to him, which surprised me. In our correspondence, he acknowledged the same, but I look at it as just good to know I am still capable of feeling something like that...for him or anyone.
He is a judge in the Boston area, and makes legal decisions daily based upon right and wrong, and I know he has a keen sense of that, even in his correspondence to me. We have discussed whether our emails are somehow wrong.
I do actually keep it on a friendly level, and, no, I don't get upset if he doesn't email for a few days. Even my dreams about him, which are recurring thru my adult life, are about letting go, and a feeling of acceptance.
Sure, I could anticipate some sort of romantic interlude during his visit in October, but I won't. During my entire 20 year unhappy marriage, I was never unfaithful. I don't ever intend to commit adultery with a married man. I DO think such a scenario would be my "call," as it seems most men, even the most upright ethical ones could be swayed by a special old flame. It won't happen. What would I be left with if I did allow it. More guilt and anxiety....no thanks. He ain't gonna leave his lovely wife.
We'll have a nice dinner together, time to talk, etc.
Thanks all of you.
Seeker

[Artist]

We are all adults and as such we have our desires and temptations. He maybe a judge but he is also human. I have no idea what his marriage is like. They may very well have an open relationship. Or a ask don't tell relationship. Or it maybe as he said.
You have to do what you think is best for you. if you could except having just a friendship and live with that then whats wrong with that? I can't put a moral argument out there , Only you can decide what is right or wrong for yourself. I was very tempted when i was married and had a very real offer to have an affair. that i turned down. I was also once in an affair with a married woman when i was single. It as sweet and short in the end she chose to remain with her husband. Seeker, your a good woman with a tender heart. Be true to yourself in the end that is all any of us can do.

[MacD]

I still say that in this case...it's not so much about who you are....but WHAT you expect.....(or need).....by all means, do whatever you feel you can handle...but I sense that you're expecting something..(and I kinda think that the judge is expecting something too)...and I don't think that the end result will be fruitful for either of you.....But that's just my opinion....and like arseholes...everyone has one......lol.....grace

[seeker1950]

Hey, I'm not defending my contact with him....I have the "inner voice" reminding me that it will amount to nothing for me. But, you know, we have this lifelong bond from childhood in rural Appalachia. I can't imagine how my life would have been growing up there without his presence...we were so unique. I do admire and like his wife. I don't fantasize about romance with him either, but at the same time, I acknowlege to myself that our communcation is the closest thing I have to a "relationship" with a man. Hmm...
Seeker

i feel strongly about this.....if you do go to bed with him, the friendship will be over with. it will slowly wither, from the guilt and the feeling of shame. i'm not just talking about you, seeker, i'm talking about all old "friends' who 'test' the waters, so to speak.........xoxoxo pat p.s. and i don't think that because he is a judge, that he is more of an expert on 'right and wrong'. men are men, are men, are men.......women are women.........sex is sex.

[seeker1950]

I do know you're right, Faye...It won't happen...the sex thing.
Thanks for your sincere and honest thoughts.
Seeker

[MacD]

I guess what bothers me is why this occaision can't be shared w/the wife....(& why the heck is she meeting w/old boyfriends w/out her husband?)...We can rationalize till the day is done....but hey.....follow your own comfort margin....and, of course, good luck.....

[seeker1950]

Oh, I see, Mac...about his visit to WV from Boston; it's a labor dispute hearing in which he was hired as the mediator.
Yes, I wouldn't want my partner seeing old girlfriends either.
I must think on this some more.
Seeker