Advice sought from experts

Hi,

I have a family problem that I need adivce with.

My sister-in-law is the problem. Currenlty she lives with us at home, although we are trying to help her become independent. My wife and her sister do not get along at all, to the point where my wife has stopped having conversations with her.

The trouble is my sis-in-law is not "normal". She has many signs of depressive behavior. She keeps to herself, rarely socializes, has very little interest in hobbies, no real long term goals. She has no ambitions whatsoever. She was married (it was an arranged marriage by her parents) but trouble started on the wedding night, and 6 months later they were divorced. She has has this annoying habit of avoiding people. When I come into a room in which she is in, she immediately starts moving away to the farthest corner of the room. When she has no choice but to be close to someone when they are talking, she covers he mouth with her hand reflexively. She is increadibly self-concious about herself and avoids people.

She is not dumb, but she is lazy and does not work hard when she gets a job. She is here in the US on a work visa, and is working for a contracting company as a software engineer, but has been unable to keep a job for more than 2 months.

Anyways, that is a little background. My feeling after knowing her for quite a while is that she requires some kind of psychiatric therapy. I think she has some serious depression issues, although they are not debilitating. However, her family is from a country where Mental health is not viewed the same way as here in the US, and they insist she is normal and would never consider a psyhciatrist. What further complicates this is that my sister-in-law thinks she is "perfect" and has no interest in self-help, and would probably avoid any kind of mental health evaluation or treatment.

How can I get her evaluated and helped in this kind of situation, where her family and she herself is against it? Is there anything I can do? Right now she is a big burden on the family, because she cannot keep a job and is interrupting her parents lives and our lives. I don't mind helping her out, but I see her being a burden for the rest of our lives.

I think that it is possible that with medication, she could remove some of the depressive symptoms and hopefully open her up more, but I think she needs therapy as well.

Can anyone offer advice in this area? I can provide more details if necessary.

Oh BTW - she is 30 years old, but acts almost like a teenager. Very little common sense and real-world knowledge.

When growing up, she apparently was completely normal as a kid. But her parents moved to Nigeria for several years, and she lived there during her high-school years. After that experienced, she changed into who she is today.

I wonder if there was some kind of traumatic event that happened there, but her family says nothing like that ever happened...

Gumby, the only thing I can think of is if both she and her parents think she's "normal," they why isn't she living with them? Are they in another country? Being that she's on a work visa and can't keep a job, she should be sent back. If she's so dead set against getting help, there's not a thing you can do! Your sister-in-law has to recognize the fact that she needs help and then have the willingness to change her mindset before it would do her any good whatsoever.

My main concern is for your wife's and your relationship. That is your MAIN responsibility. Nothing else in this life should be nearly as important as taking care of your marriage... and kids, if you have any. This added responsibility that is so disruptive can only add stress to your marriage.

Take this from a person that knows. If you want details, all you need to do is ask.

Good luck!

gumby , This is hard because she will not seek help on her own. Sounds like she may have post traumatic stress. She may have been raped and if her family background is a strict religious one She would never bring that up. If her family knew they would never bring it up as well. i had a friend who was from a war torn country . he was in the army and had post traumatic stress. Like your friend he was from a country that thought that if someone was seeing a therapist you had to be truly insane. as a vet i encouraged him to see someone. It did not help. He lost his job his wife and child. He blamed it all on American culture and moved back to his homeland. I later learned he was killed in an auto accident, only later to find out he took his own life. if she belongs to a church maybe the minister could help?

from what you just said she sounds like she suffered some kind of trauma. either in her arranged marriage or in high school. I don't know what you tell you other than try to get her comfortable enough to talk to you and gain her trust. Then maybe she would be up for some therapy. Let her know you are there for her.

I think your idea of going to experts is a good one! Contact your local hospital for the social worker and see what options you have. Ultimately, the problem is not yours, but her parents. Don't take on more than you can safely, but if you can advocate for her, go for it!

i think you should strongly suggest to her tha she get professional help......tell her that you will even help her to get it.....if after a good effort on your part.if she still refuses help i think it is of extreme importance to find her housing outside of your own....there must be some sort of public housing that she could affort....you need to avoid this situation being detrimental to your marriage and family