[NuckingFutz]

Sitting here in some really deep emotional pain right now over the loss of my love affair.

I'm sure you all have read about it. About us both being bipolar.

I blew it because my bf told me he had sex with his best friend and the wife doesn't know about it. The wife was in torrment about it because they kept lying and saying they were never together. Well, I told her. And has soon as he found out he told me to leave that night. Mind you I didn't have a car and I had loads of stuff over at his place and he couldn't take me because someone smashed a window in his car and wasn't safe to drive like that.

The girl that I tild actually rescued me and my cats and my belongings.

The relationship was a whirlwind of wining and dining and loving.

I know the relationship could not have lasted because of my move and also because my therapist said he wasn't healthy for me.

All that aside, there here times that I miss him so much it feels like someone is squeezing my heart mucle. I don't feel his arms around me.

I even called and groveled to come back to him today but he said I betrayed his trust and he has trust hissues.

Says he still loves me but he needs to get on with his life right now. Its like a bright light went on around me for a few weeks and then total darkness.

I don't self medicate, but I'm really thinking of drinking to take the pain away.

I haven't felt this much hurt since my friend died in Iraq and I had my attempl. I am using my support network fully, but that doesn't even seem to be enough.

I know this man was not healthy for me (his therapist even told him that I should run far, far away from him).

I don't think I will hear from him again or see him again. And that just kills me.

I know I have Vegas and a new life to go to on March 11th. I thin things will be easier than but I can't handle this hugh pain in my heart. I trusted him to love me enough to work on any problems that we had but he can't. He won't cross that boundary which feels more like a wall.

May days are made up of functional okay moments and others are made of this heart wrenching emptyness. I got use to holding him, dancing with him, cooking for him, talking with his and now he's gone.

I can't understand how something like this can happen in a few short weeks. I'm not impulsive but since I was leaving for Vegas, I fugured it would a wonderful way to spend my last weeks in Austin.

About him...he's codependent, is a victim of a pedifile who is still in his life, I think he's a sex and love addict but I'm just a layperson. Hes got OCD, and my therapist said that he had narcissistic and psychotic tendencies.

Please read this and give me any feedback you can. I will be online tomorrow reading and looking for hope.

Yes, I know there will be a special lady up in Vegas, but it's too far away to even hope for. I am still trying to get through eadh day and sometimes I have to do it minute by minute.

I promiise to call the crisis line and my sister if things get to bad. I've taken a klonopin so hopefully that will get me though the night.

Thank you all for reading and any feedback and support you have to give. Although he was not healthy for me and it would not have worked out, I still feel like I love him deeply.

[greylove]

Oh Nuck!!!! I'm not good with feedback but I so understand pain!!!! I'm so very, very sorry that you're going through this........just know that you're in my thoughts........grey

[SlatkaMala]

I don't have any advice. Just saying I know where you're coming from. No matter how unhealthy they are, it still hurts when things break apart.

[Tatyana2009]

The more unhealthy the relationship is the harder the breakup. Give yourself time. Realise that the pain you feel is also due to the hurt and negative experiences he exposed you to.

To me it sounds like you knew he was not good for you and also not good enough for you and you unconciously ended it by telling the wife. I think you were too weak to end it so you resorted to an action that will cause it to end. Now - if this it true please do not be harsh on yourself. You have done the right thing. You are free from abuse and ache and his illness to start a healthier chapter. It will take time but u will feel better. I m hugging u x

[Elana05]

Keep reaching out NF.

[eskielover]

Ah, so many times we fool ourselves into thinking that infatuation is actually love......love really only comes after a long time of knowing someone....it grows out of respect & showing TRUE caring for the other person......true caring means doing things for the other person even when we don't want to, or making the changes that are necessary to make the relationship work. His term of love needs to be equated to lust.......I know that you know all of this as you have actually stated it yourself. It is amazing how sometimes we really don't want to accept the reality of the situations we know is exists. We can definitely care about someone & wish in our minds that they would turn out to be something we know they really aren't. Shoot, I even felt that way about my husband after being married to him for 33 years. Just couldn't see how he could not want to make the changes that were always necessary to make the marriage work......but they always seem to hope that we will just continue tolerating things as they are. Some aren't able to make the huge changes that are necessary & some are just too lazy (my husband falls into the later situation).

I am sorry that you allowed your heart to fall so hard for someone you had been warned so strongly about. Sometimes it's a good thing to really listen to those around us. They definitely see things a lot more clearly than we do when we become emotionally involved.

You are right....time will pass & this will be only a small memory of events that have occurred in your life. I have found that unless the situation is a serious trauma that we go through, things end up etched in our memories in the same amount of time that we are involved. The shorter the involvement, the shorter the memory ends up engraved in our minds.

Think this was a good thing as it pushed you into the move to Vegas sooner than you might have if you hadn't gotten involved with him. There are always good things that come in our life even when we go through things that aren't the best for us.

You are a survivor.....you will definitely survive this also.....just keep focusing on your move & getting your life organized for the move & it will help put these thoughts in the background. Yes, it's always nice to have someone we can be close with....it's a human nature thing......but it's interesting for me....after being away from my husband now for over 3 years.....I have no desire to be close to him or anyone else in a way other than as good friends....it's definitely a very freeing feeling for me not to have my happiness dependent on any other human being. Funny thing is that I have never been happier in my life.

Hope you will be able to find the place where you can find your own happiness also.

[notz]

Dear Ms. Futz,

You are moving in the right direction. The pain is real and hurts your heart and tugs at it's strings. Try not to stray from the very healthy plans you have put in place. Stay in close contact with your sister. She's your stable support system.

I know I'm not physically there with you, but would my arms do? I would wrap them around you and encourage you to have a good cry. My shoulders are wide.

Love you Futzie!

[NuckingFutz]

Thank you all for your feedback and your supporrt. Each day seems to get easier just like Eskie said. And yes, Notz, I feel your arms around me.

I agree that it wan't love and love takes time to get to know eachother. I guess the lesson I learned is that "love" ffairs still hurt even when you kniw it is infatuation.

I just got involved with a really pretty sick man. He couldn't tell me about himself, but he could tell me about his love afairs in all it's nasty graphic details. I am glad I don't have to hear anymore about that.

Today ws the furst day we had no contact, Huray for small victories.

I am giving myself permission to grieve as well as tying up loose ends here in Ausin.

Yeah, I think I subcouncously wanted to break up with him and I think I did that girl a real favor by letting her know her own husband was calling her crazy and psychotic for thinking my ex and her hysband were together.

I'm sure I will have struggles for a while, but I think the really painful part is over. I don't ever think this man will have a true loving relationship with anyone unless he does some really hard work,

I'll keep you posted on my progress and hugs to you all for your support.