[sillywoman]

Hello all, I am in relationship purgatory and need to talk to someone with a pulse and over the age of 8. I have been in limbo for 12 out of 12 years of marriage, my husband doesn't seem to want the same things I do, or I should say he doesn't want me. I don't think he doesn't not want me, but he comes from a long line of "puds" that have very little lust for life or the women they are with. Yet they will stay with whoever says "come on" I feel we will be married as long as I want to be married and I also feel worse and worse as he is a doormat and it is very hard not to step on him. I am also intellectually superior to him and just being able to say that is not a good sign and makes me a horrible person. He is a good man and father but our relationship goes in an endless circle of dispair. Things are okay-things get worse, worse, worse. Things are awful, he ignores me, I cry myself to sleep- he ignores that, I get fed up and I fix things. The cycle continues-HELP!!!!

Welcome to the Community, sillywoman. You must decide what is best for you. Your description of your husband seems to indicate he is incapable of changing. I assume you have told him what is bothering you?

"He is a good man and father..."

Ann Landers would ask, "Am I better off with him or without him?"

[Perna]

Yes, hi, sillywoman, welcome to PsychCentral.

Originally Posted by sillywoman

I get fed up and I fix things.

It does sound like this is one of the things you'll have to decide to fix? It's your life and what you want to do with it is all that is really important. I'm sorry you don't feel you can work with your husband. Mine is laid back but definitely not a door mat. How is it you two got married; it doesn't sound like his behavior surprises or frustrates you in a why-doesn't-he-do-something? sort of way?

I have found the intellectual thing can be deceiving. Even if you are smarter than he is, don't forget that two-thirds of the world's population is average or below average and we smart ones do well to learn to communicate and get along with them. There are innumerable attributes that everyone has in a variety of strengths and "smarts" is just one of them. It's not all that high on my list of most desirable in other people and isn't anywhere on my list of those I like in myself.

[sillywoman]

I have told him like a million times. That's the hard to get part. I don't think I'm better off without him. I love him, but I don't understand why he doesn't care how I feel. I go through periods of months with not so much as a hug from him. If he sees that someting is bothering me or even if I tell him, he gets a deer trapped in the headlights look. Then if I need it, I do all the talking to fix it (me) or maybe after a month or more he will give me the "sneek attack" hug from behind. All the while for months not trying to talk to me, touch me or give me any affection at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm married to a rock. Did I mention that for our 10th anniversary I got nothing, not even a plan. For our last anniversary I got nothing again, then, after expressing my disappointment, I got a promo-type coffee cup that has the name of his employer on it. He bought it at work.

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Welcome to the Community, sillywoman. You must decide what is best for you. Your description of your husband seems to indicate he is incapable of changing. I assume you have told him what is bothering you?

"He is a good man and father..."

Ann Landers would ask, "Am I better off with him or without him?"

[sillywoman]

Thanks, Perna. I do not find that being super smart is a requirement for someone I like or love but I am forced to make all the decisions in life from where and when we go on vacation down to trying to fixing our marriage. I find myself asking him which way to turn on a street even though I know, or can figure it out for myself- but I don't want to make the decision anymore. I decide what car we buy, what food we eat, how and when the bills get paid, what we do with our spare time, etc. This is not entirely by choice. I do not think he is stupid, but we both lack in coping skills. All the pressure to do, do, do is enormous. He's not the only one screwing it up. I do most of that all by myself. I know that I have to change to make it better. I just wish he would give me some attention now and then. When he doesn't, I get sooo depressed. I feel worthless and deservingly unloved. All I want to do is spend time with him doing more that watching tv, taking care of and discussing our 4 kids. I would like to be valued-treated like a woman, not a fixture.

Originally Posted by Perna

Yes, hi, sillywoman, welcome he PsychCentral.


It does sound like this is one of the things you'll have to decide to fix? It's your life and what you want to do with it is all that is really important. I'm sorry you don't feel you can work with your husband. Mine is laid back but definitely not a door mat. How is it you two got married; it doesn't sound like his behavior surprises or frustrates you in a why-doesn't-he-do-something? sort of way?

I have found the intellectual thing can be deceiving. Even if you are smarter than he is, don't forget that two-thirds of the world's population is average or below average and we smart ones do well to learn to communicate and get along with them. There are innumerable attributes that everyone has in a variety of strengths and "smarts" is just one of them. It's not all that high on my list of most desirable in other people and isn't anywhere on my list of those I like in myself.

sillywoman, have you thought of going to therapy to see if the therapist can help you find some peace with what is going on? Do you think at some point your husband would agree to joint counseling?

It is my speculation your husband's parents expected him to do exactly what they told him without question. He may think allowing you to make decisions is a way of showing you how much he loves you.

Have you asked him to take over some responsibilities you have, like getting groceries or deciding what you are going to do in the spare time, etc. Also, have you explained to him that anniversaries are important to you? That you would appreciate more affection?

I expect you have told him all that. Maybe you need to be more assertive?

Good luck.