[manu-la71]

Hi
I came to this country 8 years ago and married my wonderful soon to be ex husband.
We have a 3 year old daughter and he did everything for me and I messed it up.
I have attention problems and can't focus on what he say's or means. I researched bipolar and ADHD but not sure if I have any of those.
I am organized, have no troubles in doing my chores, watching the kid, be always on time, know every bill to pay and birthday in my head, no need to write it down and my boss who is a psycologist thinks i am smart and nothing is wrong with me but there is.
I get blackouts and racing thoughts, I can't controll what I say and focus on conversations also forget things what happen in the past.
My husband tried a lot but he can't fix it, I blame him for things he didn't do and get angry a lot around him.
Yesterday he came home and talked to me, told me he never did so much for a women than for me and I just felt very ashamend.
He has the divorce paper but didn't serve me yet. I know he want it to work and also me because nobody will care for me like he does.
I need help ASAP but don't know where to start. My Doctor told me everybody has that once in a while, he don't get it. I have only medical and it is limited for me to go and pick somebody else and I have not the money to pay out of my pocket.
Any advise will help, please email me
Thanks for reading my post
God bless
Manuela

Welcome to the Community, manu-la71. Does your county have a social services that you could call to get help for Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD/ADHD):http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=12
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/adult-adhd/DS01161

Perhaps NAMI may be able to help you: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sec...iateFinder.cfm

May you find a way. Good luck.

[manu-la71]

As longer I am away from him as clearer I see it. I feel very focused and get to know myself slowly again. I am not sure if he brainwashed me, since he was also verbal abusive and I blame everything on me.
If I wanted to talk to him, he said is not the right time, so what that means in a marriage, do I have to wait until is the right time for him or can I talk openly if he has nothing else to do??

"Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation. The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound."

There is not such thing as only being emotionally abused - I have heard many horrifying stories of physical abuse and the most damaging aspect of the physical abuse is the emotional abuse it causes - when we say "I was only emotionally abused" it is the disease minimizing the trauma we experienced. Emotional abuse is underneath all other types of abuse - the most damaging aspect of physical, sexual, mental, etc. abuse is the trauma to our hearts and souls from being betrayed by the people that we love and trust. The other types of abuse can add more levels to the healing necessary but the bottom line is the emotional abuse and it's effect on our ability to Love and trust ourselves. In fact, being only emotionally abused can sometimes make it much harder to get in touch with our issues because it isn't always blatant and obvious. Some of it was very subtle - some of us were abused and shamed by the way they looked at us or said our name or did not see or hear us - on a daily basis."
~ Robert Burney

My thought is that you should be able to talk openly when he has nothing else to do. Good luck.

Be well.

[manu-la71]

You are right, he puts it that way that it is all my fault but looking back it started early in our realitionship. I am from Austria and came the first time to LA in 1998 by myself.
In 1999 I came back again and was happy with myself, than he talked to me.
Afterwards he told me that he thought I needed help that's why he talked to me, I was 240 pounds at that time (now I am on 180) and he want to help me.
I mean that's crazy already if you think how many help is out there from weight watchers and more.
He has no place and no money at that time, he still don't have a lot.
We dated for 3 years, he came to Austria for 8 month. In 2002 I choosed to give it a try and moved to LA and we got married. The wedding was crap, drive through in Las Vegas, no dress no family nor friend not even a picture.
After that I got a Job and worked 45 hours a week. He got fired from walgreen because of stealing. In 7 years he went for 5 Interviews but he blamed it on being black that nobody hires him.
He was like the wife cleaning the house cooking and everything else at home.
My hours got shorter and I came home sometimes earlier, that was already to much to piss him of.
He always find something and make me believe that I am stubid and I start everything. The day I posted that he is the best husband, he got me again and brain washed me. He said we are in a commitment and I do nothing from him, I am lazy and don't exercise every day 1 hour.
When our daughter was born he went more crazy. I had postpartum and no help from anybody. In 3 years my daughter was 2 days away from me besides the daycare. I took her for 1 year with me to work, I am a personal chef, that's why I could do that.
I was in a lot of back pain and limping for almost 8 month because of the epedora.
I fall one day because of my pain and he told me if anybody else fall, he understand but because its me is no wonder because I am too stubid to walk.
If I call him on the phone he scream (excuse my language but that's his words)
I have to take a **** and you bother me!!
He say's I am mentaly ill and not a good mom. Since the day I came here I made more money, more friends, since he has not even one and everything else.
I believed is all my fault, that's why he wants a divorce.
I guess he just do me a favor because slowly I believe he is mentaly ill.

manu-la71, so sorry this is happening to you. You are not to blame for everything. Hope you are able to get this sorted out to your satisfaction.

Be well.

[jbusinelle]

Originally Posted by manu-la71

You are right, he puts it that way that it is all my fault but looking back it started early in our realitionship. I am from Austria and came the first time to LA in 1998 by myself.
In 1999 I came back again and was happy with myself, than he talked to me.
Afterwards he told me that he thought I needed help that's why he talked to me, I was 240 pounds at that time (now I am on 180) and he want to help me.
I mean that's crazy already if you think how many help is out there from weight watchers and more.
He has no place and no money at that time, he still don't have a lot.
We dated for 3 years, he came to Austria for 8 month. In 2002 I choosed to give it a try and moved to LA and we got married. The wedding was crap, drive through in Las Vegas, no dress no family nor friend not even a picture.
After that I got a Job and worked 45 hours a week. He got fired from walgreen because of stealing. In 7 years he went for 5 Interviews but he blamed it on being black that nobody hires him.
He was like the wife cleaning the house cooking and everything else at home.
My hours got shorter and I came home sometimes earlier, that was already to much to piss him of.
He always find something and make me believe that I am stubid and I start everything. The day I posted that he is the best husband, he got me again and brain washed me. He said we are in a commitment and I do nothing from him, I am lazy and don't exercise every day 1 hour.
When our daughter was born he went more crazy. I had postpartum and no help from anybody. In 3 years my daughter was 2 days away from me besides the daycare. I took her for 1 year with me to work, I am a personal chef, that's why I could do that.
I was in a lot of back pain and limping for almost 8 month because of the epedora.
I fall one day because of my pain and he told me if anybody else fall, he understand but because its me is no wonder because I am too stubid to walk.
If I call him on the phone he scream (excuse my language but that's his words)
I have to take a **** and you bother me!!
He say's I am mentaly ill and not a good mom. Since the day I came here I made more money, more friends, since he has not even one and everything else.
I believed is all my fault, that's why he wants a divorce.
I guess he just do me a favor because slowly I believe he is mentaly ill.

You do not deserve this treatment. I was married to a man for ten years that treated me that way.....only after the verbal abuse and remarks started....the physical abuse began...it was horrible....all I can say is...do not allow yourself to waste more years being treated this way....also for your daughter...my oldest daughter has big issues now....I stayed because of my kids...??????(I do not know why I thought that was better)..but it only hurt everyone. Think long about this.....think about the things you are being told. All it does is take away your self esteem.....25 years later i am still struggling with this. I will pray for you and your safety. I wish you luck and God's blessings. Remember, no one....No one......should be treated this way.....everyone deserves to be respected.....especially in a marriage

[AkAngel]

Every marriage I have ever heard of takes two to work and two to break. I think you are making a mistake by shouldering all the blame.

I'm sorry you are suffering through this difficult time in your life and I hope for joy to find it's way back into your life quickly.

[manu-la71]

Originally Posted by jbusinelle

You do not deserve this treatment. I was married to a man for ten years that treated me that way.....only after the verbal abuse and remarks started....the physical abuse began...it was horrible....all I can say is...do not allow yourself to waste more years being treated this way....also for your daughter...my oldest daughter has big issues now....I stayed because of my kids...??????(I do not know why I thought that was better)..but it only hurt everyone. Think long about this.....think about the things you are being told. All it does is take away your self esteem.....25 years later i am still struggling with this. I will pray for you and your safety. I wish you luck and God's blessings. Remember, no one....No one......should be treated this way.....everyone deserves to be respected.....especially in a marriage

Thanks for posting to my threat.
I am better right now because I know that it wasn't all my fault.
Like you said why should you stay in the marriage if the kids get more hurt and there is to much fighting. He calls but don't really know what to say, sorry would be something. For now I didn't get the divorce papers, he carries them around, whatever, there is still life out there.
I hope you feel good now too!!!

[manu-la71]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

Every marriage I have ever heard of takes two to work and two to break. I think you are making a mistake by shouldering all the blame.

I'm sorry you are suffering through this difficult time in your life and I hope for joy to find it's way back into your life quickly.

You are right it takes two to tango. I am okay, atleast I can be myself and don't have to be scarred that I do something wrong when I come home, how nice

[manu-la71]

He did it again, try to brainwash me and I am down today. I need him to take care of our daughter today because I have a appointment and I called him and ask if he can do it.
He started the same old story again how bad I was as a wife and it is all me. I tried to stay calm and let him know his flaws but he doesn't listen. He talks a mile a minute and don't stop for an hour.
Later on I found out that he took the vase with the saved money from our daughter.
I ask him about it and he said he can't leave it there because he needs to put the money by himself. Truth is he has not enough money so he has to steal it from his 3 year old child.
I am really upset!!!

Sorry this happening, manu-la71. Maybe it is time for you to see a lawyer?

[Tatyana2009]

Dear One!

I am sorry. I know only too well how you feel. Its very hard to live and be involved with an abusive man. I have been with my abusive ex for 7 years and finally left him few months ago. He was verbally, emotionally, mentally and then physically abusive. Gradually it became a torture to come back home as all I heard was abuse, name calling, threats and humiliations. He sounds similar to your husband.

Please remember it is not your fault. Please remember also that his behviour will only escelate and you have to be safe. Leave him! And do it safely.

Your well being and safety, self esteem and livelihood are the most important thing and no one has a right to that!

I think that he uses that divorce papers as a tool. He uses it to scare you and manipulate you. Please ignore it and go to speak to a lawyer. Serve him the papers.

He probably does have a mental illness from what you write but this is not your issue. A lot of people with mental illness do not hurt others and seek help and want to get better. He is not in this category.

Take good good care und vielen grussen x

[blueginger]

Ive read all responses, posts... I'm in a similar situation.. i left him.. but we are still seeing each other because we still feel strongly about each other. How does one define LOVE? what is the connection between 2 people that is so strong that defies all the harsh reality in marriage??? Love is unconditional, if its not its not love at all... if people change themselves to be able to be happy again.. Is this possible???????

[manu-la71]

Originally Posted by blueginger

Ive read all responses, posts... I'm in a similar situation.. i left him.. but we are still seeing each other because we still feel strongly about each other. How does one define LOVE? what is the connection between 2 people that is so strong that defies all the harsh reality in marriage??? Love is unconditional, if its not its not love at all... if people change themselves to be able to be happy again.. Is this possible???????

finally he gave me the papers but still come around. yesterday he came over and was all in a good mood talking about coming to the house for 2 weeks and than stay in his parents house for 2 weeks. I told him it can't be that way he needs to leave or getting better because I can't do that. Also our daughter will suffer more.
After that I went to bed, he took a shower and stayed until 3 a.m.
At 11 a.m. he called me and said good morning, was not comfy on the couch that's why I left. He wished me a great day and hung up.
Didn't hear anything for the rest of the day.
Just wired, I don't even right now