[sugahorse1]

Arg, having such a hard time with my boyfriend of +- 5 years. Not sure if it's just easier to call it quits. That idea hurts too much though.
But on the other hand, I feel he just takes me for granted.
I know I cannot change a person, but how do I get my needs across to him in a way that he'll understand and respect?
Every now and again (Becoming rather frequent) he binge drinks. If I'm not with him, he comes home at 3AM or similar. If I'm with him, he usually lands up fighting with me, and doubts whether he can trust me - any other guy to him is a threat.

It's becoming hard work and scary. He's 37 and I'm 24

Hello, sugahorse.

Something to think about: http://www.healthleader.uthouston.ed...epingenemy.htm

Good luck.

[thunderbear]

Hey suga. Mabye there's something going on with him that he's not telling you. Something may be bothering him. I know when stuff is bothering me I treat people just like that. I don't have enough head space to worry about other people and their problems.

[sugahorse1]

Thunder - I just don't feel that as an adult that's chosen to be in a relationship, that is an acceptable excuse. I support him in whatever he's doing, and I think I'm actually quite a good person for him to talk to, as I try my best to stay unbiased and am more than capable of stating my opinion on a matter. He has sometimes bottled up work issues, mostly revolving around one of his business partners, but we have been together long enough to walk eachother's lives together
Please don't find offence in my opinion, but that is how I expect him to handle things in our relationship.
We usually start the evening off going out together, but when I'm tired he just carries on and I have no option but to go home on my own while he carries on. And being his own boss, he can afford to just come in to work (or not) as he pleases after a late night.
Sometimes I get upset with this whole thing as well, as I suffer from BP II and have often enough told him that I need a stable life and that he is my rock (albeit not a very stable one)
when we are out together and he's had more than a few drinks, he becomes VERY jealous and I actually cannot have a good time. I either get ignored or every person I interact with (Which is always one of our mutual friends) is seen as a threat to our relationship. He needs to learn to trust, as it's destroying our relationship.
I have very few friends that are MINE - we are always out with his friends, or mutual friends that he either works with or he has known for a considerable amount of time.

But thanks for your thoughts anyway - tonight we will have a chat, as I spent 2 nights away from him to give him space, learn to miss me and appreciate me again

[bobbi416]

Hi Suga,

It is enough already, this man does have issues. I've been there and done that. It wasn't pretty or pleasant. It has damaged me more than did them. Please weigh your options carefully. The isolations and mis-treatment, along with his abuse of alchohol is text book. Classic setting for slowly destroying you. In my case it turned into physical abuse, and resulted in a mental break down.

You are young and sound very intelligent. So if your not happy or ever affraid, get
out while you can. Sure it hurts but it can get much worse. It took me a long time to get past the lasting effects of this kind of relationship.

Please be safe and smart.

[Sabrina]

Suga, this doesn't sound healthy. From what I can gather, you are giving more than what you are probably receiving - and it should be a two-way! I sense that you are in no way ready to end this relationship as you defend his actions in the same breath that you bemoan them. But from what you have written, I don't feel he is being fair to you. Certainly not in light of your illness. I sense that he doesn't understand. But he shouldn't, in a committed relationship, come and go as he pleases and then expect less from you. That isn't respect. I am sorry to be so hard on you. I know you want more encouragement than what you have received. But it is time to look at the cold hard facts.

The previous poster said please be safe and smart. I know you to be highly intelligent and intuitive. So I echo that. Think long and hard about this.

[Perna]

I know I haven't heard about the whole relationship but it struck me that a lot of it is based on going out many nights a week? I think it's difficult to have a good, healthy relationship based on evenings out rather than just the two people. One doesn't have to be in the other's pocket all the time but "group dating" is not a relationship. It sounds like you would like a quieter, more "personal" life and it also sounds like you're not going to get it with this man.

[thunderbear]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Thunder - I just don't feel that as an adult that's chosen to be in a relationship, that is an acceptable excuse. I support him in whatever he's doing, and I think I'm actually quite a good person for him to talk to, as I try my best to stay unbiased and am more than capable of stating my opinion on a matter. He has sometimes bottled up work issues, mostly revolving around one of his business partners, but we have been together long enough to walk eachother's lives together
Please don't find offence in my opinion, but that is how I expect him to handle things in our relationship.
We usually start the evening off going out together, but when I'm tired he just carries on and I have no option but to go home on my own while he carries on. And being his own boss, he can afford to just come in to work (or not) as he pleases after a late night.
Sometimes I get upset with this whole thing as well, as I suffer from BP II and have often enough told him that I need a stable life and that he is my rock (albeit not a very stable one)
when we are out together and he's had more than a few drinks, he becomes VERY jealous and I actually cannot have a good time. I either get ignored or every person I interact with (Which is always one of our mutual friends) is seen as a threat to our relationship. He needs to learn to trust, as it's destroying our relationship.
I have very few friends that are MINE - we are always out with his friends, or mutual friends that he either works with or he has known for a considerable amount of time.

But thanks for your thoughts anyway - tonight we will have a chat, as I spent 2 nights away from him to give him space, learn to miss me and appreciate me again

Hey suga. Yeah it is'nt acceptable for him to not talk to you about things. I'm with you when you say you have been together long enough for him to be able to talk to you. It sounds like he needs to quit drinking. His jealousy when he drinks can lead to him getting abusive. And you don't deserve that from someone you love. It's good you spent time away. Mabye he has thought about how he's made you feel. I hope he has.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Suga,

Get out now before it goes any further! Love and repsect yourself you deserve much better. I can't see how it would hurt too much to think of not being with someone who thinks you are an object to be treated poorly.

I stayed and my goddess did I pay for it, ending up in hospital with a bruised body and face & broken bones. I nearly left my current partner because he treated me badly while I was having a seizure. I told him that if he couldn't handle my disability then he should have told me and we would not have gone any further in the relationship.

I may be a fruitloop with several mental disorders but self respect I don't lack at all (and self respect is vastly different to self esteem). I do hope you work out that you are worth better...no matter what your mental health is like,

Rhi

[sugahorse1]

Thanks all - I gave him 2 days to cool down and think about things. Then Saturday we had a chat. So far things are going OK, but I will be more vigilant to notice warning bells before the escalate. He was ready to accept and realise where it was that he had over-stepped the line, so I hope he can act like an adult for a change and start looking after and loving ME

[bobbi416]

Suga,

Keep in touch with us. I'm worried and scarred for you.

Good for you, sugahorse. I wish you well.