Bitterness Killing Relationship

My girlfriend is very bitter about me and I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to her, I have tried showing her that I love and care about her. I have done as much as I can think of, but she remains bitter. This bitterness causes her to avoid me and treat me very poorly.

What should I do? How does she overcome this bitterness?

One piece of advice I got from a friend was to stop giving her so much love because she doesn't even care to notice it. My friend told me that I should not shouldn't spend as much time as I have been, stop caring so much, and to stay away so that she will one day see what she lost.

Is this a good idea?

Guess I would start by finding out what is causing her bitterness in the first place.

I am coming from a many year marriage (33). My husband from the beginning was very irresponsible even though he was the nicest person & would do anything & everything for me as long as he didn't have to be financially responsible or have to cooperate with what I needed. I wasn't wanting to get married from the beginning after I realized what a immature jerk he really was, but "the invitations had been sent out". My Mom assured me that he would mature & become responsible as he got older. Well, he never did. I stupidly allow him to run our finances into the ground by his use of credit for everything (even though I knew in my mind it was wrong). I bailed us out once & showed him what he needed to do. But when I ended up with anxiety & major depression after loosing my career, he could not conceive that I couldn't be going back to work. He always stuck his head in the sand every time he needed to be responsible & he continued doing that even when it was very important for him to take over the responsibility.....he drove us so far into debt & he had no idea how to live in the world of reality.....there was nothing that could keep me from the horrible angry feelings that I felt toward him.

Those bitter feelings usually don't just happen for no reason unless she has been abused by someone else before getting into the relationship with you. If it's something you did that caused her bitterness in the first place, it's very difficult to build back any trust that would be needed to get rid of the bitterness & giving her love has nothing to do with how she is feeling.

However, if her bitterness is coming from something that has nothing to do with you (say she was abused by a previous BF & is taking it out on you).....then I would suggest therapy for her & possibly couples therapy for the both if you are expecting this to go into a serious relationship.

It would be in your best interest to find out exactly where the bitterness is coming from so that you could determine if there is actually something in her past that caused it or if there is something you are doing in the relationship that yu need to change in yourself even if you can't recover this relationship, but maybe it could help your future possibilities in relationships.

I would suggest determine where the bitterness is coming from before taking any actions at all.

What about her do you like, why are your her friend/boyfriend? I would look to your own interests, what you want that's positive and where you see that in her, I would compliment it. If she is "funny" and you enjoy that, be warmer and more engaging at that time. If she is complaining and you don't like that, tell her; "Hey, I don't enjoy listening to this, can we change the subject" (or say you have to go and leave, go do something else you enjoy more with someone friendly and appreciative).

Her moods are not your problem. She has to learn to respond to others in a way that gets her what she wants in life; we all do. You can help by modeling behavior that shows what you want and how you are in the world and what you want when you are with her. Bitterness is a form of paying more attention to the past than to the present. the more "present" you are and attractive to her, you can help her come into the present with you. If she persists in looking at what she doesn't have, what bad things have happened to her in the past, etc. then you take the present of you :-) away. She could learn that she prefers you and your present to her bitterness.

I think we would need to know why she is so bitter and angry. If it has nothing to do with you then I agree therapy would be the first step. Maybe stepping back from the relationship for alittle while would be for the best too. Also I know My husband sometimes has no clue as to what he has said or done to make me so angry with him...maybe this is the case? I have been married twice before and I am only 29, I have learned with my husband that if things are gonna work we must talk about everything and anything. Just try talking to her and if this doesn't work maybe taking some time apart would be for the best.

I agree you need to talk to her find out why she is bitter.
I think bitterness can be overcome when you accept that life happens for a reason and whatever we are given in this life is destined for us good or bad. So there is no point in being angry or bitter about bad luck. Just accept it and learn from it.
I think you can stop showing too much love but be there to talk to her more and not emphasize love so much. Just listen to her. Go for walks every night. It's good exercise and a great way to talk.

Hey bballer,

My mum is probably the most bitter person I've ever known; she had an awful time with her father and he abused her terribly physically and mentally & emotionally and she never got over it. She has so many wrinkles from screwing her face and mouth up that her face could be a road map for the flinders ranges.

But I understand why my mum is the way she is. However I was with her so much I started to follow in her footsteps so I had to do something about it before I became like her. I changed my attitude and I know I have more to be happy about than bitter about so I keep that in mind daily.

Is your girlfriends mother or father that way? If so maybe it's time to tell her that she is just like them? It may jolt her back to reality and encourage her to be the person who attracted you in the beginning. Or tell her that if you make her that unhappy then maybe the relationship has run its course; both of these things will make her think and maybe will get her to see how she is,

Good luck with this,

Rhia

Thanks for the replies!

I don't know the exact reason for why she's bitter. But I know some of it has to do with me being too argumentative at times. And some other stuff comes from her past relationships. I want to show her that I am trying not to get into arguments.

Any advice?

Well actions speak Bball, you can talk and talk all you want which is fine, communication is the key to any successful relationship but you also have to back up your words with positive actions so that she can see. If you do this and really try your best and she's still bitter it may be too late. ;c

Not as easy as it is to say, but "I'm sorry" goes a long way when you mean it, even if you don't understand what's wrong. If I'm sorry can break some ice, a quiet heart to heart talk without any type of blame or arguement can most times reveal problems. Let her talk when she talks and be careful of what you will say. After you have gotten to the root of the problem, you can progress. Like we say, not easy to do as it is to say, but we hope to have helped in some way.

I disagree with the Bakery. I dont think its ever too late, but I am always hopeful, at least I try to be. If you are having to pay for the sins of people in her past its going to be a long road for you.

She is having major transference and doesnt even know it. Why do you need to argue with her? what do you get out of it? knowing it upsets her, why do you continue with the behavior?

First off, if you are being argumentative......STOP IT!!!! I can tell you from 33 years with my husband who was that way.....I finally got fed up with the whole thing & left 3 years ago. If I said the sky was blue....he would say...no it's not because it's night time & it's black.....he would always have to show what a smart jerk he was. The problem was that he would argue about things that he was completely wrong about...just like my father & my grandfather did. It turned me off on him from the beginning which was part of the downfall of our marriage because I realized there were too many things I didn't like about him to ever love him. Don't be that part of the relationship.

I agree, bitterness can rub off on us by the people we are around....as if her family might have been that way....a learned behavior. My husband was always negative also. I was such a miserable person when I finally left him.....it was the best thing I ever did was walk out of there even after inveting 33 years of my life...it wasn't worth hurting myself farther. I am now the same peaceful person that I was before I ever got married so long ago. I had lost who I was....now I have the real me back & am much happier. When we are argumentative....it is a huge negative point in a relationship even if it doesn't seem to start off as such a big thing....it grows & drives a huge wedge between people.....so think about it & SHUT UP when you hear yourself say something like that.....you can talk good about not wanting to be that way, but actions speak louder than words....the action of keeping your mouth shut instead of saying something argumentative will speak so much louder than talling people you want to be non-argumentative.

Just giving you a real life example of a marriage that was ruined by that kind of action. I wasn't a bitter person before I got married, but I sure came out of it that way....lucky it went away as soon as I got away from my husband.....but it sneeks in sometimes when I least expect it.

Well I only argued about things that hurt me and I wanted her to know. I shouldn't have done it by arguing though. Nowadays we only get into arguments because she hurts me with her bitterness. I try to do a good thing but I always get shot down and I get treated very badly.

I think "argue" is a loaded word. One has to let others know how we feel but it can be hard to learn to do that well. Often we make statements about another person, thinking we're talking about ourselves. Saying to your girlfriend something like, "Your bitterness hurts me" is probably not going to be very helpful. In the first place you've named something that is hers (she gets to name it first!) and you are blaming another's actions, something outside you, for how you feel. Doesn't work like that. You feel what you feel because of your own makeup, no one else can make you feel a certain way.

Practice wording things specifically, positively, and making them about you. "When you use that tone of voice, I feel ___________ (I can't tell you how a tone of voice makes you feel because I'm not you nor can I hear the same person's tone of voice in the same place during the same interchange). Keep it about behavior versus the person, and about how you feel, not how the behavior "makes" you feel.

If you cannot identify your predominant feeling (for all I know it could make you feel sad because your mother sounded similar and you miss her and you don't like being reminded of your mother because you don't want to feel the feeling of missing her!) use the closest one you can find/identify. But keep it about you, not about her!

Explore (with yourself, not necessarily out loud) what is is about the tone of voice that triggers you. I might feel anxious or sorry for your girlfriend if I thought she sounded bitter, that's an entirely different reaction from yours? I might be inclined to say, "When you use that tone of voice, I feel anxious." (as if I've done something wrong) or, "When you use that tone of voice, I feel like comforting you." (as if she's been disappointed and, since I love her, I want to comfort her). But keep to a particular behavior "out there" and then couple it to your feeling inside.

It's about your life and how you live it and how you feel about certain behaviors/circumstances that happen to occur, not someone else's life and how they live or feel. You can only guide yourself, tell others about yourself and how you feel but then it's up to them to respond and hopefully how they choose to respond is in a way so your response is a good feeling. But no one else can know/cause your feelings; it's all about sharing and hoping those we love and who love us respond in ways we enjoy/feel good around.