[shewhoissweet]

I come unglued when my husband looks at other women, especially who are showing skin. It does not matter if they are on tv, on the computer, or in person. Does he gawk you say? No i would say not. I would say they do get his attention, however. Does he comment? NO Does he say ugly things to me? NO He tells me everyday I am beautiful. So does he have the right to look at other women? I've heard all the comebacks...you look at men dont you? They don't take over my attention span for short periods of time. Besides, women are not exposed to men nearly naked at every turn. It eats me up... to the point it has created problems in our marriage. How do I deal with my jealousy, insecurity, whatever it is? When I don't say anything about it, I feel like he has gotten away with something. I feel like I am swallowing a horse pill, gagging, stuggling to get it down, when I don't call him out on it....Help me.........

[Shaoli]

Believe me I'm the same way I have issues with that same problem..but i found that we have low self esteem about ourselves and we need to fix that! It's not about how she looks..hell if we had the money we would look that way too, but thats not the way it is. You just need to believe in yourself and that is what truly makes you beautiful inside and out, its hard work but feeling confident is the best way! Keep your head up and good luck to you

[millhouse]

hi im a guy i have been there.my old flame did not like me seeing lady gaga vids.just an example.and me vise versa.i let things slide before it was to late.all i can say to you and i am no expert is that comunication is the way and eye to eye contact.wish you well.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hi there Shewhoissweet,

Men are visual creatures, some women know that and dress to target that attention and other women dress for themselves because they feel good in what they wear. It's not a mans fault if a woman chooses to put herself on show. My mans a looker but he loves me and I know that he is only looking.

He noted to me recently on a man getting into trouble from his girlfiend or wife for looking at me and he said "See! we all do it! I just burst out laughing and I've said nothing about it since.

The way we react to this issue is to do with the way we see ourself and the way we feel about ourself...if you get happy in your own skin you won't get jealous of someone elses...Besides who's hand does your guy hold? who does he share his bed and his life with? You

[Perna]

I use it to think better of myself My poor husband has to look at other women anyway when he has the #1 woman, me, all to himself. Poor dear, can't help himself :-)

My husband was married before and sometimes his ex-wife will call too often or want things, etc. and I just smile because I know he's mine! She was the one who had him and gave him up, I can't conceive of why as he's the most perfect man for me I've ever met :-) When his sister-in-law (his brother's wife) asks me if I mind when his ex-wife monopolizes his time; I know that my husband does not enjoy dealing with her, it's a chore, and I'm just glad I don't have to (she and I are better friends perhaps than she and he are) that it's his old business, not my problem!

But your husband is his own self; doesn't "belong" to you and can look at and enjoy whomever and whatever he wishes. If you are complaining about what he's looking at, that's your problem, especially since he isn't over the top about it. I love the Corona beer commercials:

the "new" one has him picking up his own lime and doing it to himself, LOL.

[jenkins09]

Why do you come "unglued?" Really, sit with those feelings when you feel them coming on. Ask yourself, is he doing something wrong or is it me? I bet your husband could be blind and you would still find fault with him.

Like the other poster said and I mean this in a kind way "It's your problem." You need to figure out why you are so insecure. Were you cheated on in the past? low self-esteem?

If you can figure out what is driving these emotions, you can then control them rather than let them control you. When you feel this why not say to your husband " I am feeling triggered by these women, I don't know why, but I do." I think this way you will not blow up at him, it will put you in control and he can offer reassurance.

I hope you can find the help you need.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

**Possible Triggers**

Men are visual creatures

Would just like to qualify this statement.

When I say men are visual creatures what I mean is that men react more to visual stimulation than women do. Womwn are more stimulated by emotion. I can't remember the names of the studies I am discussing but these are well documented studies in the US, UK and Ausralia. Most women will react with more strength to a dress or soft toy or other inanimate object than they do to a man until it comes time to put the dress on at which time she expects a certain reaction from the man; if she doesn't get it she can get mighty miffed. But will get even more miffed if the man looks at another woman in a dress designed for maximum impact, and she will react in a very negative way.

Women who react feel threatened by the beauty of another female or to the imapct of what that female is wearing; not a dog or a chair or a car or anything else. They also look for the threat of any beauty if they percieve themselves to be less than what they think they should be. The human species is the only one that has a vast difference in looks between the sexes. In the animal kingdom it is the male who must attract the female; in the human game it is a free for all.

I'm not saying women are not visual, they are but they are visual in a different way which is more conducive to making a home look good or inviting. If we take it right down to brass tacks Civilisation has hobbled humans' natural inclination to procreate. What we are dealing with is an emotional/mental reaction to the natural inclination.

Just because a man looks at a woman, it doesn't mean he wants her, that is only an assumption that can be made by the one who reacts to it. It comes to a woman feeling or thinking "My man can look at a 100 women if she's not better looking than me" because in that better looking woman is a huge threat to their happiness in case their man goes off with that woman.

The sexes are very different, and different things stimulate them. A woman will respond to a piece of jewellery more than she will to porn whereas men are stimulated by porn in a way that most women are not. That is one clear delineation in my statement that men are visual creatures,

Cheers,

Rhia

Thank you for telling me about all these things I did not know about.

[kmcbride]

i feel you in away my boyfriend makes comments all the time about other girls and it used to not bother me and here lately it has been drivin me crazy also he has a female friend that he works with and they text and call and it has got to the point that i have threatend to leave if he doesnt stop plus he told me that she has came on to him but that i should be happy he turned her down that doesnt make me happy it pisses me off i dont what to do about it am i actn crazy? it sucks feeling that way to huh what can we do tho

[purple_fins]

What you can do is act like a man and-- demand respect.

I have been married for 20 years and though it's not perfect-- that is something I will not tolerate-- is roving eyes.
I think it's rude and disrespectful of our union.
My husband understands this and agrees, and says he wouldn't appreciate it if I was always gawking at other men, so he doesn't do that-- in respect of me.

I guess it's what you want from a partner and what you are willing to accept.
You don't have to accept it just because the culture tells you that you do.

I'm glad I have the partner I do........ I don't feel slighted, pushed aside or threatened...... I'm not put in a postition where I feel I have to compete with other women for my husband's attention.... it's empowering and makes me feel so valued. (guys are lucky as they almost always feel empowered and valued, as their partners rarely have roving eyes)
I feel for you and all the other young women that are trying to learn to "swallow that horse pill" of discontent, by trying to learn to accept the fact that men are sexually freer than women...... they "rove" because it's culturally accepted, set-up that way and encouraged.

just my opinion.......

best to you!

fins

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dearest (((fins)))

I honestly think that women should be ok enough not to have an emotionally or physically violent reaction to their husband looking at a woman. If they don't like it fair enough deal with it as soon as possible, don't stew on it.

I respect your feelings dear fin and I'm not having a go at you at all or you shewhoissweet; I just think it is better to support people who are either insecure or controllers in their relationship to work on it and heal whatever the problem is. Your indication was that you will not tolerate roving eyes". This is either an insecurity or a controlism.

I do agree that there is a line that should not be crossed and I think turning around to get a better look, or trying to get her to look them in the eye so they can send a visual sexual message is wrong and should be discussed.

But I must say to each their own. I just think it would be much more peaceful for the woman who dislikes this behaviour to come to a peace rather than blow her stack. I simply confronted my partner with my feelings and he now knows what I'd prefer he not do, and I am comfortable with that and so is my partner,

Loving thoughts,

Rhian

[purple_fins]

I honestly think that women should be ok enough not to have an emotionally or physically violent reaction to their husband looking at a woman. If they don't like it fair enough deal with it as soon as possible, don't stew on it.

With much respect Rhiannonsmoon, I don't understand where you got the notion that anyone had a physical violent reaction about this?

yes -emotional-- but emotions are not bad. If something doesn't feel good then it is best to talk about it... which I did, and my husband totally understood where I was coming from and so he doesn't partake in such.(immature actions- IMO) He respects me in that way, and I inturn respect him in that way as well..... it's equal.

Your indication was that you will not tolerate roving eyes". This is either an insecurity or a controlism.

You seem to think that "roving" is a man's need... I dont' believe that. I never control anyone when it comes to needs. It's NOT insecurity when a woman wants respect... I understand that this world is NOT used to that-- it is usually just accepted that men be that way.
I believe in respect and this is where I draw the line and like I said, my husband totally agrees. He thinks it's disrespectful how a lot of men, when married, will look at other women. He agrees with me-- I am not controlling him. Maybe it's just too alien of thinking for you to understand that it can be that way in a relationship-- where the man is not a rover. He respects me and my feelings. And he's very manly He is a marksman, he loves to fish/camp, play golf and brews beer.

I do agree that there is a line that should not be crossed and I think turning around to get a better look, or trying to get her to look them in the eye so they can send a visual sexual message is wrong and should be discussed.

that is what YOU will/won't tolerate-- that is not me.

I just think it would be much more peaceful for the woman who dislikes this behaviour to come to a peace rather than blow her stack.

come to peace, as you say-- means to swallow that horse pill and live with discontent...
I don't believe that way.
I will not.
I don't have to-- instead I can find a man that will respect my feelings-- and I have. Women don't HAVE to swallow that horse pill, like society tries to make them think they do.
One is not necessarily "insecure" or "controlling"- when seeking respect.
And for the record-- I never "blew my stack" at my husband. We conversed and I told him how it feels and asked him how he'd feel if the tables were turned and he said he wouldn't like it, it would feel disrespectful... so that's that... he understood me.

I'm glad you're comfortable with the way things are in your relationship... that's what's important. I just wanted to let shewhoissweet know that if it feels like swallowing a horse pill then maybe things feel out of balance to her and that there is an alternative for her..... there is more than one way to deal with this situation.

respect to all

fins

[purple_fins]

maybe this isnt' the place........ .... this just got me thinking....

I wonder how many people(men and women) told that first woman who pondered about being able to vote.... how many told her...
"that's just the way it is.. men are more schooled than we are... so they vote.... and we don't."

fins