Overwhelming needs and desires

I feel in pain, deeply frustrated, confused and angry with myself.

I have never really been a relationship person. Now at 33, the last time I had any close relationship with a girl was around 11 years ago. I have only ever had around 3 girlfriend's, which never lasted any longer than around 6 months. I have been ok with this though, living the single-man's life felt as though it was what I wanted and have been happy.

To say I have massive confidence issues is an understatement. While I do consider myself to be sincere, funny, intelligent, affectionate, reliable and caring I also look down on myself as nerdy, balding, short, slightly over-weight and very average looking.

Personally, my biggest hang-up is my height.

Over the past 12 months I have developed feelings for two girls at work (both around my age). I plucked up the courage to ask one out, who originally said 'yes', but her ex-boyfriend was still living with her, so we'd have to wait (he was moving to another country with work). I asked her again soon after, and she said her situation hadn't changed, so I asked her to let me know when she was ready.

I heard through the grapevine that her ex had gone, but she was now making it clear to other work colleagues that she's no longer interested in relationships for the forseeable future - she didn't let me in on any of this.

I have had off-topic conversations with her since, and she has dropped 'I'm sick of men' out a few times, along with 'the last thing I'm interested in right now is relationships'.

I felt I just had to write this opportunity off...

More recently I decided to ask the other girl out. She said yes, but would let me know which night would be good for her the following morning. The morning came, and she said she had too much work to do on evenings, so we should wait. I was frank with her and explained that I interpreted this as 'I would rather work unpaid overtime than go out with you'. We didn't fall out over it or anything (we work very closely) but she eventually made it clear that she'd like to go out for a meal with me, but she didn't want a relationship. She went on to say how she had a bad experience around 10 years ago (control-freak boyfriend I think) and this has put her off relationships for life.

So, what confidence I had managed to muster has been thrown back in my face. These girls are seemingly keen, but then just end up delivering the same old excuse. My paranoia just thinks they don't really find me attractive or good enough for them, but don't want to tell me straight.

I feel so embarrassed, so pitiful and such a failure. I hate how unfair life can be. I feel I am being ridiculed by these girls who have had to make excuses to avoid going out with me.

I feel hurt, disappointed and embarrassed; but most of all these recent experiences have seemed to release some other much stronger feelings.

I am suddenly now overwhelmed with sexual desire for this last girl. I really don't understand where it has come from. I am craving intimacy, romance and companionship with her on a scale that I simply can not explain. My mind is creating strange unhealthy, some even criminal, thoughts, to satisfy these urges, these absolute needs. I am losing control over it, and I am worried for myself or anyone who might get hurt.

I know how I sound like such a loser, and a whiner, hence my embarrassment! But I need to try and comprehend what I am feeling and why. I am in desperate need of an 'outlet' of some kind. Maybe I have a strange chemical inbalance? I don't know, but I do know I have to deal with it one way or another.

I have considered resigning from work, as my feelings just seem to amplify when I am around her. I am afraid that I am going to say or do something terrible.

I have even considered meeting up with an escort to satisfy my need for closeness, intimacy, but I am apprehensive that this could lead onto an addiction. It may not be a one-shot cure.

I really would like some guidance or advice

(((((((EJNT)))))))))

I understand how difficult it can be to meet people in your 30's and beyond. I found too at one point I was only meeting people at work and had stopped any outside interests for other places to meet people with common interests and activities. Dating at work in general has serious pitfalls. Sometimes they can be overcome but I've seen that it is best to keep dating and professional separate. However, being asked out by a coworker is not a reason in my mind to make things so uncomfortable between us as to leave my job, unless the job itself is problematic or there are harassment issues (which does not sound like the case ).

I wouldn't attribute their reasons for not going out with out with you as necessarily personal reasons against you. They may have legitimate reasons that you cannot know for certain or concerns for dating in general at the moment, are not excuses and have nothing to do with you. However, even if they are excuses, you deserve to have your feelings returned and will find someone who does. That doesn't mean you should rule out relationships with these people. Some of my best relationships began as friendships, even with coworkers, with no expectations of romance; not having this pressure really allowed us to get to know each other, romance bloomed in some cases and lasted. The friendships also led to meeting other acquaintances of their's and romantic relationships. Just as in business, networking is important for dating.

Lots of us are looking for someone special in our lives and know you are not alone in this. It's important to keep an open mind for people and places to be, know your interests, to be honest, and to get out there. You are worth it and do deserve it.

Please try to be kinder to yourself. Good luck in your pursuit of happiness.

Hey EJNT,

First up what both Byz & Fresia said, secondly you need a therapist to sort out the urges and feelings you are having; if you leave these feelings and thoughts to develop you could be in a situation you would rather not and by your words it is something you would rather not for both of your sakes.

It could be too that you have "want what you can't have" syndrome and that is fuelling your fantasies, which is another powerful reason to seek out therapy. A therapist will help you to organise your thoughts, make sure you know reality from fantasy and keep the two clearly seperated while helping you with your issues.

There is someone out there for everyone, but they don't always gravitate to you and sometimes you will meet them in the strangest places,

Rhian

Hi all, thank you immensely for taking the time to share your thoughts.

I am reading your replies carefully and thoroughly.

Rhiannonsmoon, This is actually how it feels. Like an uncontrollable, almost childish, subconscious desire. Because I have been denied, part of me can not handle it.

It's weird, I have been rejected in the past, and it's never bothered me, because I had no true interest in relationships, but now... it felt like I was ready. I guess I just can't come to terms with the fact that others may not be ready, just because I want them to be! It's stupidity, but it's how my mind seems to be reacting. Like one side of me can apply reason, logic and common sense, but the other is blind to it. It's like I am fighting with myself

Put aside the desire for instant gratification with the realization you have to take care of yourself first.

Good luck.

Letting go of something that is tied to a strong emotion is not as easy as letting go of something that is not tied to anything. What strong emotion do you have tied to this person? The fact that you feel closer to being ready for companionship and commitment? The thing about one-sided emotions is that they are NOT tied to that other person, however it is like an illusion because it *feels* as though it is tied to them specifically. What is great about one-sided emotions is that you can redirect it to being connected to something for real. No illusion of feeling, no illusion of a connection, but a real one. A dog, for example, if treated and trained well, will always maintain a reciprocated connection with it's owner. Redirect the emotions you feel toward those girls to something that is real, reciprocated, and healthy through and through.

Best wishes.