16 years together

Dear Friends,

I would just like to ask you all something, if its OK...Tony and I have been together 16 years abd raised 3 children. I have never been comfotable with the sex and he has always known this. I was molested by my brother and raped by my priest and of course this effects to this day. I dont like forplay of anykind. I just want him to do what he has to do and be done with it and then take a long bath. as off now it only happens maybe once in 3 months maybe 4...until he starts giving hints to me about it then I know I better get it over with. This is a bad attitude I have...right? but Tony seems to be OK with what have now and yes in the begining, years ago it was more often but over the years it gotten much less, thats normal isnt it?? Well please let me know what you all think...Im open to all answers and comments...thank you

Sincerely

Roxy

Talk to Tony. It's not good to guess what another is thinking and feeling. What you want is just as important as what he wants but, being married, you should have communication going and help one another with each person's desires and problems?

Do you have a therapist, Roxy? I feel badly that you have just shut down your physical side because of what happened to you as a child. You don't have to feel bad, can find some healing if you want so giving to Tony isn't as upsetting for you. Every person and couple is different; whether there's more or less sex can have a lot to do with the relationship between the two people; there is no "normal".

I will try talking with Tony about my feelings but I think he knows. I'll talk to him about trying to change. We can communicte very well about everything else that comes up except for sex, I have trouble with that.
Yes I do have a therapist, she knows about my past trauma. But I never did tell herr about my present situation with sex, it seems so trivial to me, so unimportant...but I guess you are right, if Im questioning it then it must be more important enough to me to try and talk about it with my therapist. Thanks again for your response, it is really appreciated.

Sincerely,

Roxy

Yes I agree with Perna. You should talk to your husband and your therapist. Sex does sometimes wane after being together for some time. Sounds like you have a good husband. I'm thinking he may not be initiating out of respect for your feelings and his ego/enthusiasm might be dampened from your lack of desire.

It would be great if you could work through the SA. It's not fair that you/husband miss out on this special part of life because of what happened in the past. Best of luck in healing.

You should definitely be talking to a therapist about this. I was raped and am currently have been with my partner for 3 years and can not have sex with him or do anything sexual. Luckily he is happy to wait for me to be happy with sex although we don't know how long that will take and it is very difficult to get him to understand how i feel. I don't think having sex at all is a good idea if you don't enjoy it and have been abused in the past. You don't enjoy anything about sex not just the foreplay, is that right? If that's the case then I don't think you should be doing anything. Then you can work to build up the trust and begin to recover from what you have been through.

Are you affectionate with each other? Do you cuddle or play fight? These are non-sexual things that help me and my boyfriend to feel closer and me to trust him more. You should tell him everything you feel about sex and how you feel when you are having sex, and how he can help you.

I hope this helps. I'm really sorry that you have had to deal with this for such a long time.

x

Thank you for your reply...I have decided to talk to my therapist about how I feel about my current sexual relationship with Tony...it just never occurred to me that it could ever be different. You are right, I dont enjoy any part of the sex I just want him to finish and it hurts me anyway. I guess I can talk to my doctor about that part. Yes Tony and I are affectionate with one another, we hold hands, say I love you often, hug and cuddle which is wonderful to me. It really all I need. Hopefully now I can be able to start to feel differently with my therapists help. I really appreciate you taking the time for me.

Sincerely,

Roxy

I hope you find an amicable solution and wish you well, roxyskater.

I agree with what the others said. I wish you luck with your therapist.

I was also sexually abused twice, and I never saw a therapist. It took me years to be comfortable (i.e. not repulsed) when a guy did anything more than hold my hand, if even that. I didn't allow myself to shut away that part of myself, though, and kept thinking about it, kept analyzing myself, and ultimately, forgave the men who did what they did to me. That went a LONG way in helping me to finally be able to be unafraid in relationships. Now, none of what happened to me affects my relationships.

I think I might've gotten over it much more quickly if I'd had a therapist, though!

Definitely talk with your therapist, and...I don't know, when you're ready, perhaps you and Tony can see a sex therapist as well? It might be a combination of your past and just the fact that you don't prefer what your husband is doing, and if you figured out what you were comfortable with sexually...it might help...?

Best of luck!

Thank you so much for your input...I appreciate you taking the time for me. I will definetly be talking to my therapist about this becasue it can only help the situation RIGHT? ANd I will talk to Tony about the sex therapy together...maybe he will go for it. If only I could find away to forgive and to accept what happened to me. its just so hard to forgive them i HAVE SUCH RESENTMENT FOR THEM.

Sincerely,

Roxy

((((Roxy))))

What horrible things to have to put upwith thinking about in regard to something that can be such an expression of love between 2 people.

The damage that has been done to you is horrific and I agree with the others that you really need to discuss this with your therpist. This is something that can be worked on and healed though I understand your pain anger hurt and resentment.

Rhiannon

Thank You so much for the reply, I erally appreciate you takeing the time for me; Thanks for the hugs too. aaI laso agree with everyone who resonded to me, see my therapist about these feelings I have. Because I really want to feel differently about sex and Tony is so good to me and such a patient and kind man.

Sincerely

Roxy