[NETA]

What is the difference between relationship addiction and romance addiction?

What are addictive relationships?

Relationship addiction, romance addiction and sexual addiction are process addictions. They are three separate addictions but are often all part of one.

Usually there is a primary addiction and a secondary addiction, then there are other addictions as well. It is necessary to be honest with yourself about your addictions. Often an alcoholic is also addicted to drugs but it is also important to look even deeper for process addictions concerning your relationships with others.

Thanks for your comments.

[curlyq]

Interesting topic. I understand the sexual, alchohol addictions but am not exactly sure what is meant by a relationship/romance addiction. It's been so long that I've been in a romantic relationship. I recall once thinking I had to be in a romantic relationship at all times in order to be a fulfilled person. I still want to get into a relationship but one where it's "right" and there is no bigtime suffering. I don't want something that hurts all the time. I had that before and it drove me beserk.

I took a lot of time out of my life to get to know myself, who I am, what I want in life and I hope to find a man with similar wants/needs and a relationship that is "right." A happy one. I know we have to "work" at good relationships and I hope to find someone who is willing to do so, who is open to working on our needs together. I had very painful relationships years ago and I hope to avoid those at all costs. I now can see when someone is not good for me and I think that's a good sign. I want true love and not something to hang onto just because a relationship has to be there. No, I will do without a relationship rather than stay in a rotten one. I strive for peace of mind and so that's why. I learned from very very painful experiences. I know what to avoid now and I hope for the strength not to get entangled in anyone's web!

Those are my random, scattered thoughts on what you wrote.

[NETA]

In 'Escape From Intimacy' it says, the romance addict is in love with the idea of romance. Romance addicts are talented in movielike settings with background music, dim lights, and illusion. Romance addiction is also mood altering. Romance addicts "hang on" (cling). Romance addicts live in romantic fantasies.

There are two main types of relationship addiction. In the first, a person is addicted to having a relationship -- any relationship, real or fantasied. In the second type, a person is addicted to a particular relationship with a particular person. In the first case, they are hooked on the idea, and in the second case, they are hooked on the person. Relationship addicts usually "move on" to another relationship.

[curlyq]

I wonder if relationship addicts are people who cheat constantly, too. Who like to start new romances because it is gone in the older relationships and they don't rekindle it. I wonder it this addiction is conquering new people that may have been hard to get. I once knew someone like that.

I understand being addicted to a person and can't get them out of your mind. You can fantasize about the person so much and it can actually overpower the negative things that person does. You can make believe that somehow that person is going to be with you all the time and change and keep your hopes up. You can even do this for years. Like living in a fairy tale dream. The person can treat you like dirt and you keep thinking only about the good qualities. I bet a good deal of pain is involved in these addictions, too, because there seems to be a lot of obsessing, fantasizing behind them. Reality (the pain in how it really is) tries to break through and then the person starts the cycle of obsessing and fantasizing to feel better. Just like someone picks up a drink to blunt the pain of whatever is happening.

I wonder what percentage of relationships involve these addictions. I bet a good deal of them. Love must be somehow involved, too, though. Then what kind of love it it? There is infatuation, obsessive love among them. True, long-lasting, sustaining love, though, how does that fit in?

More of my random thoughts on the subject.

[NETA]

Type I relationship addicts are addicted to the concept of having a relationship and the reality of the person or persons is irrelevant. In Type I relationship addiction, the illusion itself is what provides the fix. For relationship addicts the fantasy or belief that they have a relationship is the mood-altering drug. The obsession is with a supposed relationship, not with a person.

In Type II relationship addiction, the person is addicted to a particular relationship with a particular person. Some Type II relationship addicts can be out of relationships for long periods of time and be quite comfortable yet immediately get hooked whenever they get into a relationship.

Carnes Addiction Cycle

For both types we see the following characteristics:

Preoccupation: an obsession with a relationship, which has a trancelike, mood-altering facet to it, and total absorption in the relationship.

Ritualization: engaging in behaviors that are related to "establishing a relationship" such as losing weight, becoming beautiful again with a new hairstyle, clothes, makeup, and so on. ritualized "courting" behavior may be included.

Compulsive relationship behavior: establishing a relationship as soon as possible, discussing and/or doing "marriage" , or in other ways nailing down the relationship and holding on to it for dear life (clinging). (See fear of abandonment.)

Despair: the awareness that the "fix" is not working and feeling hopeless and powerless related to that awareness.

^^^^^

What is a normal relationship? Society and the media as well as movies seem to focus on what is abnormal. See 'Escape From Intimacy' by Anne Wilson Schaef, (c) 1989. How many functional families do you know of?

I will post something separately on Romance Addiction so as not to confuse the two, although they are often linked.

[NETA]

In 'Escape From Intimacy' by Anne Wilson Schaef, she says that at this level, the addict spends much time in fantasied relationships. These differ from romantic fantasies or sexual fantasies in that the focus is not on "moonlight and roses" or sexual liaison.

The fantasy is in being coupled with another person. There is little content to the fantasy other than the coupledness, the need for the belief that theirs is a relationship. Relationship addicts can have a fantasy relationship with someone they know or do not know, and that person can be completely unaware of it.

The line of addiction is crossed when addicts begin to believe in the reality of these fantasies, build their lives around them, let these fantasies interfere with their work, their friends, and their lives , get an addictive "high" from the fantasy relationship, and become confused and withdrawn.

^^^^^

Does this sound like anyone you know?

[darkeyes]

Sounds like something I deal with time to time. What is the cause of this? I am married for 23 yrs. and get into daydreaming of different fantasies of the sort, mostly a romantic encounter with a guy from the mid 1700's, you know the breeches,waistcoat,pirate type shirts, but it is not of anyone I know just someone I create, this is weird. Most of the time the fantasy is not sexual, it is more of flirting and real caring afterwards. Some fantasies of real people that do not even know or who wish to ignore me, can leave me shot down. Is this what being in my mid 40's has done to me? I even feel guilty around my husband just having these fantasies, am I really being unfaithful? or just creative? I have even shared this with him a while ago he kind of "got off" on it
but I wonder if he would if he knew some are of real people?
What you said is true it can consume one's hours and moods. Is this something I should tell my therapist of something that is strange for me to deal with will she have heard of this addiction or think I am looking to fool around with other men?
"darkeyes"

[NETA]

This sounds like romantic fantasies, however, the part about "real people" may be a problem. Perhaps you should mention it to your therapist and see what he or she says. Most likely he or she will want to discuss it further. Are there more important issues that you need to discuss? Are you "avoiding" talking about sexual issues with your counselor?

[darkeyes]

Not really, she seems to be pretty open, I just started with her, I moved in Aug. of this year and was kind of referred to the behavioral health ctr. she works out of from my previous therapist who I really liked but now will no longer respond to any correspondence I have in hopes to help me move on from issues I saw him almost 2 years ago that was not related to what we are talking about here. But I will not deny that in my mind I fantasized about him too! This is all very new to me to know that this is another disorder I may be dealing with besides being diagnosed as mild bipolar after I freaked when I came upon a thing my husband had been having with his female co-worker and business travel companion 2 yrs. ago, but personally I really do not think I am bipolar, ADD is more like my real problem, but no one has understood that it is easier for them to diagnose me as bipolar and dope me up to shut me up, you know what I mean? The fantasies have been a good escape for me thus far, but sometimes leave me frustrated knowing thy can never be real. There is so much more I can go on about but I do not want to take up any more time of yours.
Stay well,
"darkeyes"

[NETA]

'The fantasies have been a good escape for me thus far, but sometimes leave me frustrated knowing they can never be real. '

You are right, fantasies are an escape and they can never be real.

^^^^^

When we use the mask of perfection or helplessness, when we go into hiding from the parts of ourselves we do not like, when we reject our inner child, we create a world of fear and self-judgment, where there should have been unconditional love and self-acceptance.

[darkeyes]

NETA, are you a therapist? It sounds like you know a lot on this subject, more than just your average viewer. What is the best way to keep this under control or out of my head? Any suggestions? Have you dealt with this yourself? Appreciate any info.
Stay well,
"darkeyes"

[NETA]

No, I am not a therapist. Sorry, I did not state my source.

'Escape From Intimacy' by Anne Wilson Schaef, (c) 1989.
This book discusses untangling the "love" addictions; sex, romance, and relationships.

Anne Wilson Schaef also wrote 'Co-Dependence: Misunderstood, Mistreated', 'When Society Becomes an Addict' and 'The Addictive Organization'.

She references Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, (c) 1985 as a source of information.

She states that "in order for recovery to proceed, we must treat the separate addictions and the underlying addictive process. We must see how these addictions are separate and how they interact."

"These addictions are extremely difficult and painful to confront because they use the very skills we have learned for approaching intimacy and relationships to avoid intimacy and relationships."

Patrick Carnes says, "What makes the sexual addict different is that he [sic] draws upon the human emotions generated by courtship and passion." The skills may be the same, but the way they are used is different.

Anne Wilson Schaef says, "In order to recover from these addictions, one must have ongoing support." Another reference by the author is the book, 'Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous' (Boston: The Augustine Fellowship Press, 1986). There is an online support group for this organization (SLAA).

[NETA]

This sounds more like "romance addiction".

Anne Wilson Schaef says in 'Escape From Intimacy' that "Denial is an important part of romance addiction. It is amazing how strong a denial system can be, holding up through years of disappointing romantic encounters.

Level one romance addicts live in fantasy.

Level two romance addicts begin to act out their fantasies. They begin to have affairs, liaisons, and multiple marriages.

At level three, it takes more intensity to provide the "fix"; they may put themselves in dangerous situations.

[NETA]

Type I relationship addicts just want "a relationship". Type II relationship addicts want a relationship with one particular person. Relationship Addiction can be broken down into three categories: romance addiction, relationship addiction, and sexual addiction.

Both types of relationship addicts have developed the skills of listening, sharing feelings (though not real), and being there and paying attention -- that are quite seductive and useful.

They use manipulation and control skills that appear to be being used to develop a relationship. They "protect their supply" by doing all the "right" things in a relationship. In their fear of intimacy they are much more comfortable with the illusion of intimacy.

Relationship addicts are terrified of being alone and move from one relationship to another immediately, without taking time to grieve the loss of the relationship and then carry their unresolved feelings into the next relationship.

Relationship addicts are often concerned about or jealous of a partner's previous relationships or marriages. **

** Excerpts from 'Escape From Intimacy' by Anne Wilson Schaef, (c) 1989, author of 'Women's Reality'.