[superpain]

What the heck is wrong with me? I'm a grown woman and I can't seem to make anyone happy. No joke!
It's like I never do anything right. I wish I could retreat to an island and never come back.
I've been married for a while and both my daughters are grown. One is a mother of 3 and the youngest just started college.
I have bp and some other issues. My dad hated me from the minute I was born...seriously. He never physically abused me, but the hate was there. I always felt it.
I grew up in a very poor, rural area of the US and seemed like we never had enough of anything. I remember other children's mothers commenting about how "poor" we were.
So, now that I'm a "grown up", my husband and I have things. We're not rich, but we realize that there are a whole lot of people less fortunate than we are.
I've been exhibiting "less than normal" behavior lately. Not really like OCD, but it's like, no matter what I get involved in, I go way overboard. If I see a pair of shoes, I can't stop with one pair...I have to have multiple pairs.
If I develop a hobby, I go WAY overboard. I'm that way with everything I go at.
On top of that, my husband is emotionally abusive and emotionally unavailable. He belittles me constantly. He criticizes, browbeats, nags, etc. until I can't breathe.
He says he's trying to take care of me...I say he's trying to kill me.
I am so messed up.
Our latest issue...or MY latest issue...is a reborn baby doll. If you're not familiar with reborns, they are dolls that are artistically designed and weighted to resemble a real newborn.
I saw them on a website one day and instantly fell in love! I cannot have any more children and my babies are grown. So, I bought one. Little did I know how much friction this was going to bring into my home.
I know this doll is not real...but, for some odd reason, it gives me comfort to hold him. I have bought him some sleepers and a few outfits (several) and, yes, I even bought an infant car seat, even though my husband has dared me to take the doll out of the house.
I see no harm in having this doll and holding him. However, my husband is constantly calling me crazy, retarded, stupid, etc. for even having him, no less wanting to hold him.
What are my reasons for having him? I really don't know. I saw him and felt "compelled" to buy him. My husband says that if people knew about the doll that they would laugh at me.
No one's laughing except him.
I'm just very sad right now. My life sucks. I don't know which way to turn, or even if to turn.
Am I losing it?
What is wrong with me?

superpain, no one should have to put up with abuse. Is professional help an option for you?

Be well.

[shezbut]

superpain,

I am sorry that you are in such pain. It doesn't have to be physical abuse to be painful. Sharp looks, comments, and snyde remarks DO hurt a lot. ((hugs))

I hope that you are seeing someone to help you work through your experiences and pain. Take care ~ you are in my thoughts.

[superpain]

I am seeing a counselor about every 2-3 weeks. She doesn't see anything wrong with what I'm doing. She agrees that I do have "issues" and that my husband is emotionally abusive and VERY controlling. She said that she would begin to worry if I began to think the doll is real.
As for all this, I am seeking help, but it's not helping me deal with him. He's now stooped to issuing me an ultimatum...get rid of the doll and baby clothes/carrier or he's leaving me. He says when people laugh at me, he cannot and will not "defend" me because he has no other explanation for my behavior other than I'm crazy.
So, I'm very hesitant to touch the doll now. I'm afraid he'll walk out on me.
I wish I could just go away and that all the pain would go away. I can't take much more.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by superpain

I am seeing a counselor about every 2-3 weeks. She doesn't see anything wrong with what I'm doing. She agrees that I do have "issues" and that my husband is emotionally abusive and VERY controlling. She said that she would begin to worry if I began to think the doll is real.
As for all this, I am seeking help, but it's not helping me deal with him. He's now stooped to issuing me an ultimatum...get rid of the doll and baby clothes/carrier or he's leaving me. He says when people laugh at me, he cannot and will not "defend" me because he has no other explanation for my behavior other than I'm crazy.
So, I'm very hesitant to touch the doll now. I'm afraid he'll walk out on me.
I wish I could just go away and that all the pain would go away. I can't take much more.

superpain

Every 2-3 weeks isn't very often at all.

Your husband's behavior is very immature and hurtful. It doesn't sound as though he's being real helpful to you, and separating from him might be the best thing that you could do for yourself. Who in the heck is he to make such horrible remarks, belittling you and warning that he'll leave if you don't get rid of the doll??

If he wants to say that you're crazy ~ whatever. But I'd say that he's being a real jerk. We can't control what other people think. We can only control our own thoughts and behavior. You can focus on accepting what you feel comfortable with. Be honest with your grown kids when they ask what's going on. Chances are good that they'll still be there for you.

That's my opinion..

On top of that, my husband is emotionally abusive and emotionally unavailable. He belittles me constantly. He criticizes, browbeats, nags, etc. until I can't breathe.

superpain, have you talked to your therapist about how your husband treats you?

He says he's trying to take care of me...I say he's trying to kill me.

Soul Murder: The deliberate attempt to eradicate or compromise the separate identity of another person. Your husband expects you to allow him to tell you what is good for you. You are not being allowed to express your own personality.

What a hard way to live.

Good luck.

[VeronicaPI]

It sounds to me like the doll is a replacement for the love you need from your husband. Life is too short for people to live with abusive people, you sound like a nice person and don't deserve to be treated poorly by your husband.

[eskielover]

If it was a pet I doubt that your husband would have a problem with your actions.....the thing is that we need to LOVE & we need to be loved unconditionally which is the ideal marriage relationship & you definitely do not have anywhere close to what the marriage relationship is meant to be, so that lack of feeling love needs to go somewhere since your husband doesn't seem like he would be easy to feel love toward.

Just guessing, but I bet your children were everything to you & probably pretty much your whole reason for living? Probably the only thing that gave you the feeling of being needed? When your children grew up & left, & you saw this baby that looked like what gave you the wonderful feeling in your past, you jumped at getting it because is so reminded you of when you really felt that your life had meaning even though the doll couldn't return the feelings like real children could..but just the sensation of holding it like when you did feel those good feelings gives you some sense of those past feelings even though not exactly the same, in your mind, you can reconstruct some of that same sensation though? Just a theory. I know that many women who's whole life was wrapped around their children still need to have that feeling of having a baby in their arms.

I saw them on a website one day and instantly fell in love! I cannot have any more children and my babies are grown.

Your husband probably doesn't & probably can't understand your need to feel love & I would imagine that he isn't exactly a husband that you feel love for either especially if he has treated you this way & you say that you feel that his taking care of you you feel he's trying to kill you.....that doesn't sound like the kind of person that you are feeling any love for & all people need to feel love for something....the baby doll is your substitute for your need to feel love now that you don't have anything to hold in your arms to love anymore? Getting in touch with your feelings is one important thing. Getting away from your husband isn't going to fix that lack of love feeling that you are requiring & I'm not sure that your marriage relationship was ever a loving one that could even be repaired?

I might recommend maybe getting a pet which would actually unconditionally love back unlike the doll & as all pets desperately need good kind, loving owners, but then again, pets can be expensive & the doll definitely doesn't require food, or vet bills depending on your financial situation.

Human emotions are so very complicated & your husband's lack of being willing to understand why you are needing the doll seems to be very judgmental on his part & definitely not one of a loving husband. When there is love lacking around us & we desperately need to feel it. I'm guessing also that if you were poor when you were growing up, having a doll to play with wasn't something your family could afford to give you, so maybe this doll is replacing a lot of missing things in your life?

Ah, so many theories, but only you can really answer the questions by analyzing your feelings & thoughts.....that is the good thing about therapy. Maybe if you can define the reasons the doll is so important in your life, he would finally be able to listen to where your thoughts are coming from & at least understand you better but he can't understand you until you understand you.........you are definitely NOT crazy. Lacking the feeling of having anything to love in your life is definitely NOT being crazy....your husband may not want to hear that you don't love him, but reality is what it is even if we don't want to hear it & may not be willing to accept it. If your husband can't accept you at the point where understanding comes about why you feel the way you feel about the doll & realize that you aren't crazy, then you may need to think about what you need to do to get away from his mentally abusive behavior if you are able to take care of yourself.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey Super,

Veronica gave very sound points. I must be stronger because if it were me I'd be out of there or he'd be out of there and the locks changed...

Loving Thoughts,

Rhi

[superpain]

Wow, these replies have really moved me. You have helped me put into words what I've been trying to say...practically screaming for him to hear.
You're 100% right when you guessed that my children were everything to me. They were and still are. But, they're grown. My husband and I loved each other very much at one point.
I do still love him, but it's being overshadowed by the stress/anxiety I feel by not "feeling" loved by him. I'm beginning to feel very resentful towards him for this lack of affection and his constant abuse. I have no self esteem.
Thank you all for your input. We had another big blow up this morning over this doll. I've made another post if you care to read it.