Concerns over boyfriend/trust issues

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now, and I've dealt with my good share of trust issues since. When I met him, I was intrigued by his happy-go-lucky ways. I began to date him, mainly for me, I just wanted to have some fun. As our relationship grew, I began to feel strong feelings for him. This is when I wanted to stop partying and start having a serious relationship. Long story short, he's come a long way. He stopped doing drugs, drinking as often, and got back in school. He has matured a lot. However, throughout this experience, I've struggled with his slip-ups along the way like lying, flirting, talking about other women, etc. There have been occasions where at parties, he completely ditches me and mingles on his own or with his friends. I end up finding him looking flirty with other women. He's also lied to me on various occasions. Once, he went out to look for a job and I didn't hear from him until 2am when he came back drunk and he gets drunk it's horrible. He was beligerant and had gone to the bar with his friends instead. I know people say things they don't mean when they're drunk, but he usually blames me for trying to "change" him or saying that I'm taking him away from his friends. Another occasion has been when we were on a break, where he claimed he was at home for those 2 days we were apart. The next day after we got back together, I logged onto my myspace and saw that a girl had tagged a picture of one of his friends at a bar, and saw my boyfriend was in the picture with a beer in his hand. It's shady situations like this regarding women and lying that lost my trust.

Onto the issue, he recently started a new job where he has to work long shifts and closes Fri and Sat. As dumb as it sounds I get anxiety every time he starts a new class at school or job because I feel like he's going to get close to other women and leave me. I don't trust him 100%, and dealing with this anxiety is really hard. I need advice as to how to deal with it. I really do love him and I feel like my insecurities hold me back. I feel as though I'm holding a grudge for everything that he's done wrong and won't let it go, which is what he thinks. I feel as though I haven't found peace or haven't forgiven. I really just want to feel SECURITY in my relationship. I know relationships are never for sure, you just have to work at it, but I really need to stop looking over my shoulder or holding my guard up. I want to feel confident that he won't hurt me again. Help!

Hello yessi

No one can give you a guarantee that he won't hurt you again. We are humans and we are fallible and when people drink alcohol they are going to have their mood enhanced too bad if they are in an arsehole of a mood...they also think their sexuality and allure is a whole lot more than it is. But at least whoever tagged the pic didn't catch your bf with a woman so that should set your mind at rest some.

Honestly the only way to feel ok is to let it all go and invite peace into your mind and heart. We've all been there more than once yessi and it's only when we find our one & only that those insecurities don't seem to matter.

I've got a man who has a 360 degree swivel head when it comes to women...but that is him, just because he likes to look doesn't mean he wants to hump. Half the time I think he's wondering what aperture he would use or what shutter speed or light he'd need if he were photographing the building behind her; don't just assume he's looking at a girl, it could be a really cool car or motorcycle and you've noticed well before he has that theres a woman there...and do you know why? because you are looking for the woman, you are expecting that he will look and you're going to be ready!

Give yourself a rest and try completely relaxing for a change, you may find that if you aren't grumpy he won't want to leave you for his friends as much, or he'll involve you in the conversations...

Give your trouble to the wind to whisk away and enjoy the time you are out and at hoome together without the stress of you looking for another woman for him...

Take care,

Rhiannon

Wow! That is a lot to go through! When you decided to get serious about the relationshi, I think you left your boyfriend behind. Did you talk to him about getting serious about the relationship? If he agreed but is still the party animal, maybe he is not ready? Sounds like you two are due for another chat. I was wondering if he hurts you emotionally, why are you so afraid to loose this guy? I would only see others who were worthy of my trust and this guy would have me running in the other direction. Do you think you are so unloveable that you date a man who drinks and treats you like crap? Do you know what it is to be loved, honored and respected?

Yes he does hurt me emotionally; a lot actually. He hates seeing me cry about anything in relation to how he hurts me or how I feel mistreated sometimes or even how I don't trust him. To him, it's become kind of like I'm just being a drama queen and doesn't take me serious because I never do anything about it. I think he knows that I'm not strong enough to leave him and whenever we get into serious fights, he treats me like crap, and he's the first to run out that door! I think I'm so afraid to lose him because I've become attached. We live together and I'm away from home because I'm attending college. I can't really talk to anyone about it. My parents and I aren't very close, emotionally I mean. I also haven't involved myself since I've been in college so I know very few people. I feel so attached because I haven't focused on keeping myself busy, and making new friends. I'm also about to graduate in December so I was excited about getting my life started, maybe even getting married, so this whole thing is a huge let down. He is an extremely nice person that anyone can get along with; he makes me laugh so much and we are great friends, however when it comes to undergoing our fights and tough times, I don't feel like he sticks it out with me because he's the first to run away. He's the best and worst person in my life, which is why I'm so confused!

I got confused just reading it. He sounds like a coward to me. You stay because you do not feel strong enough to leave. If you go out to dinner and the guy is trying really hard to convince you that he is a nice guy and treats the waitress like crap, he's not a nice guy.

And therein lies much of the problem. Try to gain a life of your own independent from the boyfriend. Take up a hobby or a recreational class at school. When you're feeling anxious, do something distracting.

If you think he is self serving now.... marry him! It gets worse unless you snip it in the .... ummm..... bud!
If you love him and think he will change make him prove it.
If he ditches you at gathering now think of what will happen if you really need him.... will he come to your rescue or will he leave you stranded? And later brush it off as "get over it - its no big deal".
It may not be a big deal to him but it is to you. And your feeling and needs are just as important as his.