[Calizic]

Hey everyone, I'm a newbie, and I'm simply just here for some help.

This is a bit of a complicated and long story, but THANKS A MILLION in advance to whoever reads it and gives input.

My fiancee and I (her name is Shannon) have been together for a year now. We are DEEPLY in love, and have never felt more complete and sure of anything in our lives. We trust each other 100%. It really has been the perfect relationship. BUT!!!!! recently something happened that's got my world upside down.

The other night, while sitting on the couch together and watching some T.V., Shannon looked at me and out of nowhere, told me she had a very important question. Willingly I told her to ask. She then proceeded to ask me if I was ever "involved" in any way with a girl named Tanya. Not wanting to lie to her, I immediately responded that she had performed oral on me once, over two years ago. (A year before I even met Shannon). Immediately she got very upset and became very flighty. She just looked at me and said "that wasn't the answer I was hoping for." I got a bit angry immediately seeing how ridiculous the situation was and what she was proclaiming to me. But it turns out, she isn't kidding.

Now, to understand why this "Tanya" character means anything. Wayyy back in the day when Shannon was younger, she was dating her first boyfriend, and was blindsided one day finding out that her BEST friend was sleeping with her boyfriend, for 6 MONTHS! Shannon was hurt, but eventually forgave her boyfriend and hooked back up with him. A few months later, Shannon was hurt AGAIN by the SAME BOYFRIEND after finding out that he had cheated on her with anywhere from 8 to 12 other women. Shannon was smart enough to leave him for good after that, but she became even more hurt when she realized that all of her friends knew about it, but nobody bothered to say anything to her. So she realized they weren't friends at all. She then fell into a very independent and alone mindset where she only hung out with a few very close friends, and never socialized with anybody from her previous group of friends that hid the truth from her. Tanya, was part of that group of friends. That's all she was. Just a part of that group of people, and Shannon hated her for it.

I knew Tanya from back in high school in the band. (Shannon and I had the same high school, but never knew each other.) Then a year or so after I had graduated, this "event" happened with Tanya (I was intoxicated as well, not that that's an excuse) and we never spoke again.

What brought the question on supposedly, is Shannon had a dream that Tanya was conducting sexual things with me. So she then decided to see if her dream was just a dream, or if there was some truth to it.

Now she wants time apart. At first she wanted to leave me, but after thinking about of it for a day, she tells me that she wants to rent a house somewhere in our town, and live in her own place, but to not break up. Basically she wants to go back to when we were just dating. She thinks that shes to dependent on me, and little things like my relations with someone over two years ago are such a big deal to her because of it. So she wants to go move to her own place and be independent again, but still be together.

She also claims that she cant view me sexually anymore because if she did all she will think about is her dream with me and Tanya. I agreed to do the whole move on her own thing, as long as she went to therapy.

I've been thinking shes needed therapy for a while. My thoughts about therapy for her started when after she had a slight battle with a very rare skin disorder, the medication the doctors gave her made her put on weight. Not a terrible amount, but shes always been a thin woman and has always been proud of it. Say around 105lbs, and now she's at 135lbs. She's been trying really hard to run and bike and swim and walk and go to the gym, but she isn't loosing any weight. And I know that thats tearing at her, no matter how much I tell her I think she still looks gorgeous. So naturally she's been rapidly decreasing the amount of sex together, and is starting to say VERY negative things in regards to "life" in general.

So to conclude, I know there is something mentally blocking or pulling at her, and its obviously affecting her life now. I have no experience with therapy, and I have no clue what kind of therapist she would need to see. Basically I'm hoping someone can steer me in the right path here to get help for her. Shannon promised me over and over again that she cant stand the thought of being without me, but when I am around she doesnt think its fair for me because all she's thinking about is her dream. So she says shes just "Meant to be alone". She feels like she cant escape that group of people from her past that she keeps trying to get away from.

Help? Anyone? I don't want to just leave her to fall into depression, I love her too much. Thanks again for any help given.

~Michael

[Perna]

Hi, Calizic/Michael, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I was a little shocked at your statement, "I agreed to do the whole move on her own thing, as long as she went to therapy." It's her life, she can do whatever she wants with it, whatever she feels necessary with no "permission" from you! How Shannon feels is how she feels. It doesn't sound like she is fond of her choices when she was younger, or yours. That you were "drunk" when you were with Tanya, is hardly a positive addition to the story; makes it look like it wasn't entirely your "fault" when it was. How you conduct yourself drunk or sober; how does Shannon know you have changed?

I think it is a positive move on Shannon's part, for Shannon to get a little space and see what is what in her life; what she wants, how she feels, etc. I don't see any indication that she needs therapy to do, or because she wants to do, that. I applaud your "caring" but it feels a bit condescending and controlling to me and that's just what she wants to sort out. Shannon is entitled to feel however she feels, doesn't matter that you were with Tanya or someone else. I'd be physically helping her move out and asking her where she'd like to go on her first date and if there is anything you can do to help, instead of trying to control the situation and make her feel like there's something "wrong" with her or that she can't live without you and might fall into depression. If you love her, you have to learn to support her on her terms, not your own idea of what you think her terms should be.

[acrazynao]

I have the opposite reaction to Perna. This event happened before you were together, so her reaction seems a bit on the paranoid side. I understand that she might be hurt since the person was 'close to her' esp since I've had similar reaction to my dh but only because they still talk. Now its hard to know what her end of the story is, but I think having her move out might be better for both of you. She can prove to herself and to you that she can be on her own, and then in her own time decide if she wants to come back. Again though, therapy is her own choice. If she is not willing to do it, except that you want her to, it will not be as or any helpful. Good luck

[Perna]

That's my feeling too, acrazynao, that Shannon should move out and sort her feelings out; but I believe Shannon is the one who wants to move out, and Michael is saying he will only "allow" it if she does what he wants and goes to therapy (accepts his view that there is something wrong with her and she needs help). I find that condescending. Shannon isn't here, doesn't feel she has a problem; she wants to move out, she didn't say she wanted therapy. Someone else telling Shannon what is best for Shannon is out of line.

[mysecretname]

Ok Calizic, I might be a total noob here too, but I have a little different feelings than what has been posted so far. Keep in mind that I have absolutely no professional background with mental illnesses and that I suffer from no mental illnesses (to my knowledge).

I think that both yours and Shannon's feeling are valid. It is obvious that she is having some self image issues with the weight that could possibly need time and support in coming to terms with for her (and possibly for you too...). Also, her reaction to what happened in the past, before you even knew each other is an over-reaction in my opinion. Keep in mind for yourself that neither of you can control what you feel, that is the point of feelings, they are not controlled they are just felt for what they are. If she feels hurt or upset about her dream and the semi-truthfulness of it, she can't help that, whether it makes sense or not. There may be an underlying problem with depression in her life, or it could just be the unresolved (as to me they seem obviously unresolved) issues from her past boyfriend and group of friends. You and I are in a very similar situation with relationships, as my girlfriend is bipolar, and her past has caused her to be VERY independent. She walked in on her ex-husband in bed with another woman (who's body was very different from her own), and since her ex-husband had complete control over all aspects of the relationship (finances, vehicles, he wouldn't let her work, asked permission to go anywhere...) she was forced to start over with nothing and take care of her two small children. From then on she has never relied on or really been close to anyone. It has taken a lot of work and patience on both of our parts to have the relationship that we have today and yes we still have problems.

As for your situation, I do agree with previous posts, it is her life and she will do what she wants. It is not up to you to put stipulations on her moving out or going to therapy. I would agree that yes therapy would probably help her, but it is not up to you to force her to go. It is your job as someone who loves her to tell her that you would like her to go to therapy, that you would like to stay living together and that you are willing to put in the work and compromise on whatever needs to happen to make her feel comfortable with herself and the relationship. I do not think that you are purposely trying to be controlling, but there are undertones of controlling behavior that come through in your writing. I would recommend you to do some self evaluation and think about any ultimatums or "hard lines in the sand" that you draw with her. Try to empathize with her and understand where she is coming from with the move (I agree that the dream reaction if over-reacting, but the move may have some roots). She feels as if she has lost too much control over her own life, that if she does not maintain that control she will wind up easily fooled and hurt again. She needs your support, without restrictions, conditions, or ultimatums. This disagreement that you are having is not one persons fault, it will take some self reflection, work, and compromise on both parts to work things out and if you are both willing to do that for your relationship then you will, if not then you won't. But keep in mind, her moving out is not the end of the world, it may feel like a step backwards to you, but if you love and support her in a positive way through this, then she will come to truly trust you and your relationship will be all the stronger for it. That is all I have to say and I apologize for rambling on in a most likely incoherent stream of nonsense...

[Calizic]

Thanks for the quick replies.

I don't think most of you got what I was saying. She's straight up told me she wants therapy. I just told her I would support her every wish as long as she seeked what she wanted and that was therapy. So I'm asking what kind of therapist should she seek. Only reason Im on here and not her is because she's been working non stop and asked me to post on here for her. So with that said now lets hear some input.

Thanks!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Michael,

I think I understand your and Shannons situation. I'm not so certain she had a dream about this Tanya out of the blue like that; it's possible that someone has told her that you two got together one night (don't put anything beyond some people). If this did happen then it's just as contributory to her issue regarding this. Something that has been bothering her since the time the thing happened and she is obviously guarding herself both emotionally and physically while she reacts to it and the pain she feels.

Your interaction with the woman Tanya has brought everything back to her and she is trying to stabilise her world knowing that you have had oral sex from the same woman with whom her boyfriend cheated. Now she sees your penis as the culprit and so does not want sex with you because every time you get amorous she sees this Tanya going down on him. So you may have to accept the punishment of not being intimate with her for a while which is actually a test to see if you can remain loyal to her and patient too.

I really feel for both of you. The only thing you can do is if you love her, then be patient caring and loving; reassure her constantly how much you love her and as you move forward reaffirm to her that what is past is passed and it isn't a good thing to dwell in the past, especially if it is harming her present circumstances and future happiness.

If she has chosen to see a therapist then she has a better chance of working things through and putting things into little boxes where they belong & moving on with her life. You will know more if she is diagnosed with anything, and you can then come here for some support with the relationship and begin to understand where she is coming from.

I really wish you luck as you obviously love her and she is lukcy for that. Lets hope that she realises that 2 years ago is 2 years ago, way before you met and fell in love with her.

Kudos to you Michael for trying to fix this issue between you; many men would take one day and then walk, you have decided to stay and though that road may be difficult it will probably be very much worth it.

Please remember too that jealousy is somtheing which can consume some people and she needs very loving arms very supportive patience until she works that out too,

Take care Michael, thinking of you both,

Rhiannon

Welcome to the Community, Michael.

My fiancee and I (her name is Shannon) have been together for a year now. We are DEEPLY in love, and have never felt more complete and sure of anything in our lives. We trust each other 100%. It really has been the perfect relationship. BUT!!!!! recently something happened that's got my world upside down.

Everything after the "BUT" is no longer true. There is work to do if the relationship is to be saved.

The Psychotherapy forum is here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=25

DocJohn talks about psychotherapy here: http://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/
He also has information about How to Choose a Therapist and the Distinctions Between Therapists' Degrees.

Good luck.

[cocoa58]

Hi Michael,
I'm a 52 year old female and just want to tell you something important. Its not wise to ever talk about previous sexual encounters with the woman you are presently involved in. Serious. Its a rare woman who will ever take it well.

What you can do is not lie - but avoid answering in some way. You could just tell any girl you get involved with that its your policy not to talk about previous sexual experiences with other women - or just tell her you'd rather not talk about it - I don't know but think of some way not to go there.

Also, even if you did go there, to tell her exactly "what kind" of sexual act it was is not good. You might say you had sexual relations - but don't go into explicit detail.

Think on it - best is to avoid doing this at all. Trust me - I'm a woman and I know - women and men do not think alike on this at all. I hope this will just save you some future grief.

Originally Posted by Calizic

Hey everyone, I'm a newbie, and I'm simply just here for some help.

This is a bit of a complicated and long story, but THANKS A MILLION in advance to whoever reads it and gives input.

My fiancee and I (her name is Shannon) have been together for a year now. We are DEEPLY in love, and have never felt more complete and sure of anything in our lives. We trust each other 100%. It really has been the perfect relationship. BUT!!!!! recently something happened that's got my world upside down.

The other night, while sitting on the couch together and watching some T.V., Shannon looked at me and out of nowhere, told me she had a very important question. Willingly I told her to ask. She then proceeded to ask me if I was ever "involved" in any way with a girl named Tanya. Not wanting to lie to her, I immediately responded that she had performed oral on me once, over two years ago. (A year before I even met Shannon). Immediately she got very upset and became very flighty. She just looked at me and said "that wasn't the answer I was hoping for." I got a bit angry immediately seeing how ridiculous the situation was and what she was proclaiming to me. But it turns out, she isn't kidding.

Now, to understand why this "Tanya" character means anything. Wayyy back in the day when Shannon was younger, she was dating her first boyfriend, and was blindsided one day finding out that her BEST friend was sleeping with her boyfriend, for 6 MONTHS! Shannon was hurt, but eventually forgave her boyfriend and hooked back up with him. A few months later, Shannon was hurt AGAIN by the SAME BOYFRIEND after finding out that he had cheated on her with anywhere from 8 to 12 other women. Shannon was smart enough to leave him for good after that, but she became even more hurt when she realized that all of her friends knew about it, but nobody bothered to say anything to her. So she realized they weren't friends at all. She then fell into a very independent and alone mindset where she only hung out with a few very close friends, and never socialized with anybody from her previous group of friends that hid the truth from her. Tanya, was part of that group of friends. That's all she was. Just a part of that group of people, and Shannon hated her for it.

I knew Tanya from back in high school in the band. (Shannon and I had the same high school, but never knew each other.) Then a year or so after I had graduated, this "event" happened with Tanya (I was intoxicated as well, not that that's an excuse) and we never spoke again.

What brought the question on supposedly, is Shannon had a dream that Tanya was conducting sexual things with me. So she then decided to see if her dream was just a dream, or if there was some truth to it.

Now she wants time apart. At first she wanted to leave me, but after thinking about of it for a day, she tells me that she wants to rent a house somewhere in our town, and live in her own place, but to not break up. Basically she wants to go back to when we were just dating. She thinks that shes to dependent on me, and little things like my relations with someone over two years ago are such a big deal to her because of it. So she wants to go move to her own place and be independent again, but still be together.

She also claims that she cant view me sexually anymore because if she did all she will think about is her dream with me and Tanya. I agreed to do the whole move on her own thing, as long as she went to therapy.

I've been thinking shes needed therapy for a while. My thoughts about therapy for her started when after she had a slight battle with a very rare skin disorder, the medication the doctors gave her made her put on weight. Not a terrible amount, but shes always been a thin woman and has always been proud of it. Say around 105lbs, and now she's at 135lbs. She's been trying really hard to run and bike and swim and walk and go to the gym, but she isn't loosing any weight. And I know that thats tearing at her, no matter how much I tell her I think she still looks gorgeous. So naturally she's been rapidly decreasing the amount of sex together, and is starting to say VERY negative things in regards to "life" in general.

So to conclude, I know there is something mentally blocking or pulling at her, and its obviously affecting her life now. I have no experience with therapy, and I have no clue what kind of therapist she would need to see. Basically I'm hoping someone can steer me in the right path here to get help for her. Shannon promised me over and over again that she cant stand the thought of being without me, but when I am around she doesnt think its fair for me because all she's thinking about is her dream. So she says shes just "Meant to be alone". She feels like she cant escape that group of people from her past that she keeps trying to get away from.

Help? Anyone? I don't want to just leave her to fall into depression, I love her too much. Thanks again for any help given.

~Michael