How to solve trust problem with girlfriend

Hello all I posted this problem yesterday but only 1 person responded and I also talked with my girlfriend for 3 hours last night so I have a firm grasp on what the problem is now.

Here's the rundown. We are both in our mid 20's. We have been dating for about a year. We love each other very much and there are only a few minor problems in the relationship. She knows I would NEVER cheat on her and I know this about her too However, she was engaged to be married about 3 years ago until she found out her ex fiancee cheated (he cheated, then proposed, then lied about the cheating which messed her up more). So even though she trusts me, certain things will trigger her to get feelings (it's like her brain trusts me and knows I'd never cheat but at the same time she has feelings almost like she felt that I already cheated). Like I don't go out very much but if I say "I'm going to the bar with Bill" in her mind she knows I'd never cheat but at the same time it triggers things of the past and she'll think "oh what is he going to do at the bar" or "is he meeting someone at the bar" and she doesn't wanna talk to me about this because she knows if she tells me she doesn't wanna feel like THAT girlfriend who tells me what to do and at the same time she knows I'm just going to dismiss her concerns. After all, I'd never hurt her. So now I know her problem. I know what triggers her feelings to get like this but it's not like I can not trigger them sometimes. Like I can't just NEVER go out again or it's like whenever I discuss a conversation with a female employee, it's not like I can NEVER talk to another female again. So I can help by watching what can trigger those feelings but at the same time, that's almost avoiding the REAL problem of her getting those feelings in the first place. So is there anything she can do? Anything I can do? It doesn't look like it'll go away antime soon. And when she does get these problems she distances herself from me and I feel like the bad guy and I feel like a bad boyfriend even though I know I'm doing everything I can to be as loving as can be. I don't like how she trusts me yet sorta almost kinda doesn't. She makes me very happy though and I'm willing to solve this problem and finding someone else is surely not the answer! She's a wonderful girl!!! Please help Thanks guys!

Your girlfriend has a problem. Her experience is hers and her reactions are hers. There's not a whole lot you can do for her besides being the nice, loving, trusting/trustful sensitive guy you are :-)

You do not want to, for your mental health and that of the relationship, change yourself and your "path" to solve her problem. She has to solve her life's problem, you don't have a problem. If you take on her problem, that takes away from her, rather than gives to her; she becomes "weaker" as a person in her own right.

I would suggest to her that she may want to find a counselor to talk to about her past experience with the other guy or maybe the two of you might want to talk to one together. Her instincts of not saying anything to you when you go out is good but doesn't work on her own "worries" and projection of her past experience on her present situation. She needs to disarm her own triggers.

You do not go out a lot without her or talk to women at the drop of a hat :-) I don't see your behaviors as being anything at all out of the "ordinary". I think you need to insist she work on her problem because, it's obviously already warping you and your thoughts and behaviors and, were you two to break up, you'd have problems like hers but with the next woman who was even "slightly" jealous or worried about cheating. Her anxieties are spilling over onto you and that you can't "solve" them, can't "prove" you are not like that other guy is making you feel like Don Quixote tilting at windmills.

Cheating doesn't enter my mind in reference to my husband. I think I could find him clothed, laying on a bed with another woman and know there was no cheating going on but something else, important to my husband and I would respect whatever it was he was doing. I have no doubt were the situation reversed, my husband would listen to what I had to say too and not "fly off the handle" suspecting something else. Cheating would not be the first thing either of us worried about.

You can't help your girlfriend's trust because you are not/have not been untrustworthy, a memory of her past has been and you can't "fight" that ghost for her because it is not now, is not "real". Urge her to get help for her personal insecurities instead of just trying to "understand" her because they affect you and the relationship too. It's not a case of the parent looking in closet and under the bed to convince the child there is no monster, leaving the night light on, etc. but the parent not being "involved"/dragged into it because the parent is 110% sure there are no monsters. With feelings like cheating and that her ex- did it; it's not so easy to feel, "Well, this other guy did it, maybe I'm capable of doing it to and just don't know it?" or, "I'll just make sure I never talk to another woman every again and everything will be fine" when that's not possible and limits YOUR life, doesn't really fix her problem.

Thank you so much for the advice. It is much, much appreciated You are right, there is nothing I can do except be supportive. She tried ending the relationship last night, however. She said she couldn't do this anymore and that she doesn't want to make me feel bad anymore but I assured her I'll be supportive and that she makes me so happy and that it's worth being patient with her problem. I'll let ya know what she says because she really hasn't responded. The last I heard from her she said she just wanted to end it and she'll talk tomorrow. Thanks again

You sound like a great person. I agree with Perna on this - she needs to deal with this on her own with a therapist. You shouldn't have to be worried about going out with your buds/talking to women at work and her reaction. You shouldn't have to pay the price of her past partner's infidelity. She needs to accept that you're trust worthy and your freedom shouldn't be restrained in any way. If she's being triggered this shouldn't alter the way she treats you or the way you conduct your life. Best of luck.

Thank you Yep, I totally agree. It's not really "my" problem and I can't do anything except just be loving and supportive (not always easy but I can always try harder). She responded to me which was good. She basically just said she needs a break and that we'll talk about it in a few days and that we'll figure everything out. I think if I give her enough space there will be a void in her life (where I once was) and she'll recall all the happy times we have

I think this has taught me a lesson though. It's that you never really know when a person will be gone from your life, so you just always have to be a loving person. You never know when it's YOUR last day on earth or your mom's or dad's or your wife's or even the person you "hate." So just be a loving person and appreciate all the good things that you do have. So yeah, it's taught me a lesson but that doesn't take away the loneliness that's there from missing my girlfriend

Good for you. You sound wise beyond your years.

ACanthony, Have yall talked about it, I guess I can say Im pretty lucky because my boyfriend hates going out like to concerts and bars because he hates crowds and drunks, his dad was drunk his whole life but we find our own way to have fun and do things, maybe she thinks you will cheat on her because of her self-esteem issue, I just had a baby in may and my self esteem went down so low, Im 5'9 and weight 115lbs so im pretty skinny and after having my daughter I went back down to my normal size again with only 1 stretch mark on my stomach, I hear people say all the time "oh you look good for just having a baby." blahblahblah. but as much as I hear it I dont ever believe it, so just my self-esteem going way down has made me think my boyfriend is going to cheat or find someone that looks better than me. maybe she has that problem also and thats why she has those thoughts in the back of her mind all the time.

Thanks for the compliment I wouldn't say I'm wise. I would say I had good parenting and good schooling and was in the right situation and have the right temperment. I wouldn't say wise but I'll gladly take the compliment

Well I have an update for you. I talked to my girlfriend for a half hour. We are going to have our space for a week and she's going to think things through. Ultimately I told her she needs to see a trained psychologist. She feels she can NEVER be in a relationship and it's sad to see her think that. So I found a psychologist for her to see in her area and she promised she would call her (being that she has trust issues I think it's best for her to see a female). I'll keep you posted but it looks like there's promise here Thanks again guys!!!

That's great news and I'm very impressed with your maturity/common sense. You sound very secure thanks to the good job your parents did. Most people would feel very insecure at the notion of 'space' in a relationship. I'm happy you both had a nice talk and you're encouraging her to get the help she needs. Kudos to both of you.