i get very tensed when with somebody, most especially with a person who has a frank personality... weird, but true. i've been trying to allow myself to feel comfortable, but i always seem to panic emotionally whenever friendly people start to ask questions about me... i always seem to appear as if i fear them. i could intentionally hurt them when i assume that they had just criticized me...
it badly hurts if you know you have no one to talk with... but i can't really find comfort with anyone.
how should i resolve this?

[nowheretorun]

((((((((((((((krazee))))))))))))))

Your friend

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

[LMo]

Krazee - I think your feelings are more common than you think! A lot of people are uncomfortable around outgoing personalities. I don't think you can resolve it quickly, but you can definitely practice! Tell us a little more about yourself... how old are you, what do you do for a living. It's hard to really give much advice without knowing more about you. But we're interested. I'm a friendly person starting to ask questions about you... (and that's exactly what you said you're afraid of), but hopefully in this anonymous internet environment, you can practice giving some answers that other friendly people might ask.

We're here for you... let's talk more!

Your friendly friend,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

HI nowhere!
HI LMo!

I am turning 22 next month. : ) I am studying at the only medical school in our place. i'm the "shy"est person in class... has limited speech... always afraid of comments, corrections and even compliments made by others... afraid of visibility...
i am the eldest among the five girls in the family.
hmmm... what else?

[heidu]

Hello,
I can't give you any really good advice but I will say that coming here is a huge first step in opening yourself up and for inviting people to get to know you.

These boards are a great way to practice social skills as well as many other things.

I hope you will find some help here with us.
Best to you,
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard ~

[LMo]

Hi Krazee!
Okay. That information helps.

Heidu is right - this is a great place to practice social skills. If it's any comfort, you may always be a shy person, but it does get a *little* easier as you get older. I've never been exactly shy, but I used to be uncomfortable in certain social situations. As I got older, maybe around when I turned 30, I really started caring less about other people's opinions of me. I didn't really try to change it about myself... it just happened naturally.

One little trick I do when I'm feeling shy is to ask questions about the other person... that way, they are talking about themselves and I don't have to talk about myself. Can you try that? One of the problems with shy people is that sometimes they seem like they aren't interested in other people -- when in fact, they are just scared of being put in the spotlight. You can solve this by asking questions!

Well, let's just talk, then! I can start:

Hi Krazee - it's nice to meet you! I'm 34, and I studied business/information systems in college. I'm the eldest in my family, too. I have a younger brother. In which country do you live? Do you have any pets? What's the best thing that happened to you this month? Please write back - I'd like to get to know you!

Your friend,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

hi again LMo!
i feel pleased to meet you!
i live in philippines. i do not have pets. what about you?
the best thing that happened to me this month was when my classmates came into my house and we spent overnight working on a project. it was fun... i was happy because they easily feel comfortable at home even if it was their first time to go there.

therese

[LMo]

Hi Krazee (I like that name!)

Philippines! Cool! What's it like there? What kind of house or apartment do you live in? Does it have a garden? If so, what kind of things grow in it (fruit? flowers? vegetables?). I have 2 beautiful and sweet cats - you can see a picture of them at http://www.snapfish.com/slideshow/Al...441/t_=7329614. Their names are "Penguis" and "Julie". They are brother and sister, and they are very loving to each other and to us.
That sounds like fun with your project. Tell me about your classmates - are there any that you feel particularly comfortable with, that maybe you think would be interested in becoming your friend?

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

thank u...
our house has a garden... we grow flowers and orchids, and we grow fruits in the yard too. i like the yellow bells. u can see them bloom and fresh every morning.
beautiful cat names... where did you get these names? i can not see the pictures because i have to log in first to your account...password is needed.
my classmates are health conscious people. they are fun to be with... but i'm the most quiet among us. i feel especially comfortable with melanie and mary june but i can become aloof to them sometimes. and i don't think they are very interested in becoming my friend.

[LMo]

Hi Krazee!
Aaahhhh... orchids! I love orchids! I have several friends in the US who are originally from Venezuela - and they all are very interested in orchid-growing. If you lived here, I am sure that they would love to talk to you about what it's like to grow orchids in the Philippenes.
My cats' names are kind of silly. I bought the cats from a girl who was going to live with her boyfriend, who is allergic to cats. She had named the cats "Genghis" and "Tamulin" ("Muli" as a nickname). I hated these names - I thought they were too serious for such silly cats. But my boyfriend thought it would be mean to change their names entirely... so he made me pick new names that rhyme with the old names. This wasn't easy! So... Penguis and Julie are their names now. Actually, Penguis is black and white, and a little bit overweight, so he kind of looks like a penguin. Julie is little and playful. Here's a different link to the same picture:
http://www.optima-c.com/knott/p-j.jpg
You should not need any kind of password for that picture.

Why do you think you're aloof to Melanie and Mary Jane? Just out of shyness? Are you health-conscious also? It's not necessarily fun to be health conscious... but I guess it's a good idea. I like to eat, but fortunately I like to eat mostly food that is good for you (vegetables, mostly, but I also eat meat if someone else cooks it) and I like to exercise, mostly riding my bike.

This weekend was really busy for me. I went out to dinner with my boyfriend on Friday. Saturday, we looked for furniture but didn't find what we were looking for (a dining room table and a couch) and I became kind of depressed (not because of the furniture - I don't know why I wasn't feeling happy). I felt a little bit better after we went for a bike ride, although by the time we came home, it was really dark and we didn't have any lights on our bikes. I get pretty scared to ride in the dark without lights, but we didn't have any choice. We made dinner at home last night, and watched TV with our kitties on our laps. Today... was a good day! We bought 2 little tables and 1 chair (used... from my favorite website http://portland.craigslist.com), and I bought a new digital camera. Doesn't sound like an exciting day, but it was pretty fun for both of us, and we were out since 9am, and just got home about 2 hours ago (maybe at 8:30pm).

I have to work tomorrow... ugh. Not looking forward to it. I am getting very tired of my job...

Okay - hope you're doing well and I look forward to hearing back from you!

Your friend,
LMo

(hey everybody else - feel free to chime in here!)

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

you might think that we have a large garden... we only have like four orchids. my mom is the one taking care of them.

anyway, i like the way you named Penguis. i think he looks adorable...

i'm aloof with them because they do not have the same warm response towards me than to our other classmates. just this morning, i found that my friends are already getting away from me. they don't respond actively towards me... like when i make the effort of saying hi. they're in the bad mood when i'm around them. i just isolate myself so that they can't feel that way when i'm around. (i don't get the rationality behind this. is this something bad? if so, how can i correct this? -- thanks)

LMo, i know individuals have major differences. what if i meet a person with whom i have no similar interests.. and she tells me something about this and that... how must i behave in such a conversation?

---thanks again

[LMo]

Hey - only four orchids is four more than I have in MY garden. I do have grapes, though! And flowers! And some dying tomatoes. We had a family of racoons in the grapevines the other day - the babies were really cute.

Glad you like my Penguis. I would throw myself in front of a speeding train for that cat.

Krazee - I'm sad for you about your classmates pulling away from you. And although it's entirely possible that you are being overly sensitive and that you're reading too much into their body language, if you don't feel comfortable with the way they react to you, then you're right, it is a problem. I don't know if you CAN correct it -- in fact, they don't sound like they are very nice people if they turn cold when you merely say "hi". But, I don't think you should have to isolate yourself because of THEIR feelings... but if it helps you, then I guess that's what you have to do. Remember that your feelings are much more important than theirs are. And if they aren't nice to you... well then why try to change yourself to be friends with someone who isn't nice?

About the major differences. Everybody has something in common with each other. Maybe it isn't the obvious things. Okay, take us for an example. You are 22 and live in the Philippenes and are in medical school. I am 34 and live in the US and don't know my kidney from my liver. If that's all we know about each other, then at that level, we really don't have anything in common. I could talk to you about accounting software and bore you to tears. In fact, I do that to my clients all the time. But that's why I'm asking other questions about you... about your garden, you asked me about my pets, we haven't talked about sports yet but believe me, that subject is coming up next. And food - I have a million questions to ask you about Philippino food, and if you like food, then bingo - we have something in common! And religion (although I don't have much to say about that topic, but then again, maybe you don't either -- and that would be something else in common!).

I still think the key to behaving with someone you don't know well is to ask questions about the other person. I have a stupid habit to end up having it sound like an interview, which is bad, but if you're shy to begin with then I don't think you have much to worry about doing THAT. So ask them some questions about whether they are into gardening, if they like operating on people, what they did that weekend, etc. Then, after they answer, if they are also shy then they might just leave the conversation hanging in midair. If that happens, then just start talking as if they asked you the same question. My boyfriend is very shy, and when I first met him, I would ask him a question, like "what are you going to do this weekend?". He would answer, but then never ask me what I was going to do. There were two interpretations to that: 1) he wasn't interested in what I was doing that weekend, or 2) he was shy and hadn't fully developed his social skills. I guessed that he was just shy, so I took the liberty of telling him what I was doing anyway... and then it turned into a conversation. (he knows that he has to reciprocate the questions now, though and is much more comfortable now in social situations - it's nice to see that).

How about if you try this: think of a couple, maybe 5, questions that you could ask me about myself. Try to have them be somewhat related to something you are interested in. What do you think? Want to try it?

Your friend,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[LMo]

and actually, I'm re-reading this post and thinking of two things:

- if you met me, you'd think that I have a "frank" personality, but hopefully you feel comfortable anyway
- you already do a great job of asking and reciprocating questions!

But of course, everything is more comfortable online, isn't it? Well, we can keep talking and see where this takes us!

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

Grapes! it's one of my favorite fruits! i can only eat these fruits at christmas. i love flowers too! yellow-colored flowers most especially.
i haven't seen a raccoon... just only in pictures in books. i wish i could be there to see them. i wish to play with their fur. i think a mink is also cute. have you seen one?

you really do love Penguis. he must be a good cat.

---yeah... i usually ask another person whenever i think that someone's mad at me. and that person would tell me that i am just hypersensitive. sometimes, i just tell myself it that maybe they must really be in bad mood. it really helps when i don't go with them when i have a bad feeling. i'm 3x more comfortable when i get away with them. but i tell them when i have to stay away. and some of my classmates understand... so i have lesser worries. actually my group of friends are nice to me... it's just that i always feel emotional tension with almost anybody. i become so irrationally nervous.

----------------
do you still play computer games? i love to play RedAlert. have you heard of it?
if you don't play, what do you do then in your free time?
i'm curious about your work. are you a psychologist?
this is maybe weird, but i want to know your favorite color...
i like yellow... and a combination of the rainbow colors. they're cool in my eyes.
----

[kvinneakt]

Hello Krazee,

I am also a very shy person. I freeze up in social situations where I don't know people and have nothing in common. Doing small talk is about as easy as talking to a fish.

LMo has a great trick: the key to behaving with someone you don't know well is to ask questions about the other person.

This is hard, but it really does work. It can get clunky and contrived at times, but most people don't notice, and if they do, so what. Most people love to talk about themselves. You can get a lot of practice communicating and you may even find common interests and new friends.

Do you have study groups of other med students? Are you involved in them? It seems that would be a great way to have conversations about common interests and they are a great way to reinforce your studies.

I am curious what kind of a medical career do you see for yourself?

Wherever you go, there you are

[kyle]

I ask the questions as a game, I ask the person if they'd like to play questions, it's a really good way to get to know somebody fast, and I've never disliked anyone after playing. In fact, I played this with my best friend(we are kinda having difficulties right now) when i first met her. Man I love that girl.

[LMo]

Hey there Krazee:
Darn - had I known I would have taken a picture of the racoons for you. They're really cute. Minks are really really rare. I don't think many people have seen them in the wild. I've seen them on a coat, though

What exactly goes through your mind when you're feeling nervous with someone? And why do you think you get more nervous than other people?

About the games... that's funny that you happened to say "do you STILL play computer games?". I played them all the time when I was a teenager. I haven't played any in about 20 years. BUT, I just found a place that has all of the old video games that I used to play 20 years ago! And I'm still good at them! But I don't know RedAlert. What kind of game is it? Traffic? Police? is it a medical game?

Free time... hmmm... I don't feel like I have very much of that. Well, I bought a house in January, and I spend a lot of time painting, gardening, looking for furniture that I can afford and that looks good. I like to ride my road bike a LOT. It's one of the most relaxing and empowering things I can do for myself. I do like exercising a lot when I'm actually doing it. but sometimes I have a tough time getting started.

I'm DEFINITELY NOT a psychologist! But if you add up all the money I have spent in therapy, I realize that if I put that same money and time into med school, I could be a psychologist by now! No, instead I am a software consultant. I specialize in a software package that is used mostly by big companies. I customize it to suit their business needs, train their people, move their data from their old system into the new one, program reports, etc.

The favorite color question isnt' weird at all! It's grey, actually. I prefer to be the most colorful thing in my environment ;-)

What are your plans for the weekend, Krazee?

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

: )

when i'm feeling nervous with someone, i usually think that she/he has spread something bad about me. this makes my feelings even worse! but i can not consciously get rid of it and couldn't think of getting away from the situation. even if i do, it goes with me. and i'd usually think that everyone knows and laughs at me. i think people can't trust me. i think i'm a bad person. usually, i blame my parents for bringing me up this way... i blame all the people in my childhood. i hate myself for being me. i think i'm stupid and useless.
i think that i get more nervous than people do because they have enough security for themselves.
RedAlert is a war game. i usually play it when i don't have anything to do.
yeah, biking is a good exercise.
i am curious about your 20 yrs of therapy. what was diagnosed on you? are you still on therapy?
Grey, nice color!
on weekend, i am going to study physiology! i don't really have much interest with the subject but i have to make-up with my failing grades. it's about respiration.

Therese

[LMo]

Hey again:
No, it's was only 9 years of therapy. The "20 years" since the video games! I'm not diagnosed with anything, really just wanted relationship therapy, just to get me through the difficult times, to help me understand the people in my life, to understand myself, to make sure I am a good person and that I am making good choices for myself.

Do you have a therapist? When someone is self-conscious like you seem to be, I would think it would be helpful to have someone you can get to know, who can help you reassure yourself. I would think it would be hard to tackle that problem by yourself. I know that the people on this board can all tell you that you're not stupid and useless (because you're not!), but sometimes it's more meaningful to hear it from a real person who knows you. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Or any of your teachers? Or people who work in your church or anything like that?

Your friend,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

oh! your details get mixed up in my head! : )
anyway, i had a therapist before... i was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. i stopped seeing her because the medicine was too expensive. i wish i have good relationship with anyone. but sadly, i think i never had any. i'm afraid to trust and become close with anyone. i don't know why. but maybe i just don't want them to know the real me. and i think everyone's capable of hurting me. i am a type of person who can't accept a painful truth. i honestly admit that. i am very sensitive. and i am afraid also, that i might hurt anyone because of being too close. every time i make a mistake, i'd think tthere's always somebody who's going to punish me or accuse me, or embarrass me. if i tell a friend about these irrational feelings they usually react passively. i'm always making relationships unmeanigful. i am making others more upset with me.
....

[Peanut61]

This could be a good place to practice the friendship building skills that you want to improve, what do you think? Take care, and hope to hear from you again soon. Regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[LMo]

oh, Krazee {{{{{ krazee }}}}

I know what you're saying about the friends reacting passively. But honestly, and this is just my opinion, I think that your friends who are your age might feel like they are not qualified to help with your problem. I would assume that's the reason -- not because they don't care about you. I think they just don't know what to do, and they might be scared to get involved and give you the wrong advice, since it sounds like a pretty serious concern of yours.

I really think you should find someone older to talk to, someone who has had some training. If your therapist was too expensive, then maybe you can try the student counseling or health offices at your medical school? I don't know about in the Philippenes, but in the US, all universities have a counseling department which is free to the students. They must help the students with issues like this, and the people that work there have had training in some mental health issues, and there must be some who are licensed to provide care.

Have you tried this already? What do you think?

ps - there is a "Gardening" thread now under "Pets, Plants, Music, Hobbies, etc" - our probably *happiest* member today, SeptemberMorn, is excited to ask you some questions about growing orchids. Would you mind stopping by to read that post?

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

actually somebody had told me that they don't really know how to help me... sometimes they just tolerate if i wanted to isolate myself. and sometimes some of them accompany me when i haven't eaten my lunch. the problem with me is that i resist to feel thankful and most of the time i feel that they're doing these kind deeds with a bad intention. they say that they keep on comforting me. but honestly i don't feel comforted. they get frustrated if i ask for reassurance again and again.
somehow, i can see too that they care. but when i ask if nobody's mad at me, there again they get upset...
i'll just see if i can see a psychiatrist tomorrow.
thanks...

[LMo]

That's a good idea, Krazee, about the psychiatrist. It's really not a good sign that you distrust your friends' intentions when they are doing something kind for you. Hopefully a psychiatrist can help you with that, because you sound like a really, REALLY nice person and it makes me sad that you are having a difficult time. I kind of understand why your friends would get upset -- it is hard to have a friendship when somebody keeps thinking that you are mad at them, especially when you are not. I'm pretty sure a psychiatrist or your school counselor can help. You sound too nice to have to live like this, Krazee!

(ps - did you see my note about the Gardening post, above?)

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

hi kvinneakt,

i'm not only shy. i'm a bad girl! that's why noone's making friends with me. some people (even some of my teachers)
tell me that i am not reliable. yeah right! i don't know what i made to make myself unreliable.
i have a study group but i don't usually get involved with them.
i want to be a psychiatrist someday...
therese