[Hunny]

This month is so full of losses that I can only maintain at best.

But what I am focusing on here is this year it has been one year since I realized my h and I can not ever make a go of it, no hope, no matter what. No false hope, dreams of it ever being possible are gone and all the ramifications around this. I made it through the year and it is kind of surreal to still think and feel this way as in the past there was always one little thread but this is not possible. There is nothing to do about it. It just is.

I am maintaining all levels of calmness right now as my therapists are on vacation but I do have email contact weekly. I am having huge 'sighs', some anxiety around finances and work, no more dreams so having to make new dreams and somewhat depressed so motivation is a problem. Going to a session on motivation next week for work but motivation for life seems lower than previously experienced. Identifying the needs I have are seemingly insurmountable. One foot, then the other is about all I can maintain. I know some of this is grief too and it has it's own agenda on me right now. If I were talking and being true to self and you were across from me you would notice my energy is low. I eat decently, trying to walk a bit daily, thank god the sun is out, too. I do have gratitude but it is not bringing up the motivation levels.

Overwhelmingly burdened is how I would describe it. I don't have friends irl who would get the whole of what I am refering to here. Some would understand some of it, some would understand other parts of it and some would just find a way to be elsewhere.

There is another grandchild on the way so this is a star on the horizon however the feelings are not accompanying like they did. I did have an interview this week with a great company and the fit was pretty darn good from my perspective but waiting to hear and then if I got it would I be able to see over the top of these overwhelming feelings to do a good job.

Maybe I should post this in grief forum or depression forum. I just don't know.

There is absolutely no reason to divorce because for both of us there is no one else. For a year prior to our ending we went out every weekend to eat at least once on the weekend but without permanent work I have only been able to do that for myself sporadically. It is lonely too so it doesn't bode well for me to go by myself as I get somewhat triggered watching the couples go by me.

I have wonderful children and grandchildren but I am not going to be interfering with them just to not be lonely. Don't get me wrong, I understand lonely inside of a relationship too but I guess all my hopes have been invested in restoring this relationship and it was hope held out for so many years that I don't know how to hope elsewhere.

This past year my therapists have been my relationship and to a lesser degree my children but therapists cannot be my sustaining relationship just like I don't expect my children to be either.

I am turning 60 this year. It doesn't bother me as much as what do I do now for myself? Maybe there should be a seniors forum here as I certainly don't want to depress you young people. But my thought is what happens if I live another 30 years, god forbid, what does one do? Both grandmothers died at 55 as did mom so I have no clue, honestly.

.

[lynn P.]

(((Hunny)) - I understand how you feel in regards to the relationship with your husband. Are you and hubby still living together? Are you both still going to live together? In my case it's been 4 yrs living in the same house(separate rooms) -we're simply 2 parents living in a house - nothing more.

[Hunny]

(((Lynn)))

I am sorry you have to be going through similar feelings and events. Thank you for responding.

Are we supposed to care about these feelings on behalf of ourselves?

There was no reason to be divorced but due to his outburts of anger and verbal abuse we could no longer live together in the same house together and have been separated for many, many years.

Do you make and eat meals at the same time?

In the meantime we raised the children as amicably as possible and they are grown now.

Do you have children still at home?

[warnersafe]

Hunny. Do you have any hobbies or activities that you enjoy doing and that have other people in? I started Geocaching recently (looking for hidden stuff in the woods with a gps) and have made many new friends and get together often. Its nice to have a couple of friends not conected to work or family to talk to about life. Sitting on a rock in the woods chatting with friends is a great way to spend a weekend afternoon. If you can get involved in something new that interests you.

[purple_fins]

Hunny

Seems you are turning so many new pages....

be gentle with self... take it slowly.
"New" can be exciting, sometimes a bit scarey and difficult to somewhat set aside what we've known/experienced in the past.

60 is a new frontier-- from what I've heard.

at that age my aunts and mother in-law got into all sorts of hobbies: ceramics, crocheting, painting, macrame and more. I bet you could meet all sorts of people in classes-- if you like that kind of thing.

.... and being single after having a partner for many years is also a new frontier.

You never know what's on the "next page".... might be worth more than you ever imagined.

I wish you much peace and comfort and am here with a shoulder if ever want one.

fins

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Hunny

(((Lynn)))

I am sorry you have to be going through similar feelings and events. Thank you for responding.

Are we supposed to care about these feelings on behalf of ourselves?

There was no reason to be divorced but due to his outburts of anger and verbal abuse we could no longer live together in the same house together and have been separated for many, many years.

Do you make and eat meals at the same time?

In the meantime we raised the children as amicably as possible and they are grown now.

Do you have children still at home?

I have 2 girls 8 and 12. He doesn't want to live with her and he can't afford to live on his own and keep this house going. He works late most of the time but if he's home, then we do eat together.

There are polygamist marriages where everyone co-exists peacefully, but I refuse to have relations with him since I don't believe in this kind of family structure. I wish he would leave but he doesn't want to - it's such an impossible situation.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

(((( ((((Hunny)))) )))), (((( ((((Lynn)))) ))))

You are both going through such a harsh time. I ask you both to be gentle on self and treat self with kid gloves and kindness. I so feel for you both and I understand the grief that accompanies the realisation of the final straw.

And you may not know it but the old must be let go so that anything new that is waiting, can come in and help with changes.

I really am thinking of you both, feeling the depth of your sadness and pain. I really do hope it passes and that you use that new energy as a spingboard to the future,

((((Hugs to you both))))

Rhiannon

[KathyM]

((Hunny)) and (((Lynn)))

Hunny, I had no idea you were going through all of this. I hope my playful post in the Video Forum didn't offend you. The title and content of your thread made me giggle.

My sister is your age and recently tackled/is tackling the same problem. I used to think she married a perfect man and had the perfect marriage. So did she. After 24 years, it became loveless, but still cordial. In an attempt to renew their spark, my sister requested couples counseling. All was going well, when he blurted out during a session that he wanted a divorce because he met someone else - a younger woman. This totally blind-sided her.

They divorced, and he married the other woman. My sister is still struggling to find her way on this new path she was forced to walk, but she's keeping her head up as best she can.

New phases in life are always difficult. From the beginning, it's a series of hurdles. I hope something comes along soon to give you the motivation to tackle this hurdle.

In the meantime, my offer still stands. Just remember - One, two, three...AND.

[Perna]

Hunny, I'll be 60 too in October. I recommend you buy/find at the library this book:

http://www.amazon.com/60-Up-Truth-Ab.../dp/0807029289

It kind of reads like your post :-) There's questioning and depression and "what next?" and how did this happen, etc. but in there is also some soothing and the comforting feeling that one is not alone. The author was 82 when she wrote the book; is a professional sociologist and psychotherapist, both. The author is living what she's writing about as well as being an expert in the fields and the writing is really great, you can feel her participation in what she's asking/saying.

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Hunny

I am turning 60 this year. It doesn't bother me as much as what do I do now for myself? Maybe there should be a seniors forum here as I certainly don't want to depress you young people. But my thought is what happens if I live another 30 years, god forbid, what does one do? Both grandmothers died at 55 as did mom so I have no clue, honestly.

.

Hunny....

I think fear, sadness, loneliness and love are ageless. Your post touches all ages.

I found love after divorce and I never expected to. This...what you are going through plays havoc with your self-esteem and your spirit. As the others said...don't be so hard on yourself.

60 is young. I wish you all the best in your new beginnings.

[Naturefreak]

((((Hunny))) ((((Lynn))))
Two wonderful people . I wish you both the best

[Hunny]

Warnersafe,

I have artwork as my hobby and today I went to a park near the river and did some art work there. Although there was no one to talk to I really enjoyed it because when I am doing artwork hours seem to fly by. The piece I worked on showed me a few things about myself and that perhaps I am better off than I thought.

When you were describing geocaching, I thought wow what a fabulous hobby. It combines some intrigue, some outdoor events, some time with others and it made me want to do it! I had never heard of it before.

Thank you for reaching out to me with a few ideas.

I hope to have more time to work on my hobbies soon.



.

Originally Posted by warnersafe

Hunny. Do you have any hobbies or activities that you enjoy doing and that have other people in? I started Geocaching recently (looking for hidden stuff in the woods with a gps) and have made many new friends and get together often. Its nice to have a couple of friends not conected to work or family to talk to about life. Sitting on a rock in the woods chatting with friends is a great way to spend a weekend afternoon. If you can get involved in something new that interests you.

[Hunny]

Purple_fins,

Your shoulder is much appreciated. Thanks! I was surprised by all the posts in response to my post here and your post means a great deal to me since you have seen me in other forums. I feel kind of hopeful with what you have written to me, like it is okay to be feeling this trepidation.

I really feel a little like I don't fit the typical 60 year old just because I still have to work and lots of my peers are retired. I've always known that this kind of retirement would not be for me due to life circumstances. I don't feel sorry for myself or anything around that just tired sometimes. I still have a quilt to make for my second granddaughter that I am hoping to be able to get to soon before she gets too much older. When I got the material for it I moved closer to them and did not have the time to make it when she was born because I was helping so much It's all good though because her auntie made this beautiful soft quilt with her name on it. But it will get done and I am getting some more specific time now so I am hoping to have it done in the next couple of months.

New horizons are a little scary but who knows what is going to happen maybe some good stuff too. I am kind of scared to meet people. Does that sound silly? It's not really low esteem as much as it is I feel like the 'hunchback of notre dame' sort of, like I would never fit.

Thank you Purple fins for being so positive to me.

Originally Posted by purple_fins

Hunny

Seems you are turning so many new pages....

be gentle with self... take it slowly.
"New" can be exciting, sometimes a bit scarey and difficult to somewhat set aside what we've known/experienced in the past.

60 is a new frontier-- from what I've heard.

at that age my aunts and mother in-law got into all sorts of hobbies: ceramics, crocheting, painting, macrame and more. I bet you could meet all sorts of people in classes-- if you like that kind of thing.

.... and being single after having a partner for many years is also a new frontier.

You never know what's on the "next page".... might be worth more than you ever imagined.

I wish you much peace and comfort and am here with a shoulder if ever want one.

fins

[Hunny]

(((((Lynn P))))

How lovely to have two girls, the lights of your life, no doubt.

Life and especially relationships sure aren't 'cookie cutter' are they? It seems like you are doing all you can to make the best out of a difficult situation.

I feel like it took me so long to see my situation with my H clearly because of a few extenuating circumstances that carried huge ramifications if I just let go and didn't try all avenues. All avenues have been exhausted and I am letting go. I know this is my thread Lynn but feel free to share any coping mechanisms you are using. It is amazing what the human spirit can take. Do your girls maintain their contact with him? It is hard when the children see the distance but one tries to let them know it is not their fault.

Like I say there is no one else for either of us so it just is and there you have it. This year is 37 years of wedded "something" but I am not sure what to call it?!?!

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I have 2 girls 8 and 12. He doesn't want to live with her and he can't afford to live on his own and keep this house going. He works late most of the time but if he's home, then we do eat together.

There are polygamist marriages where everyone co-exists peacefully, but I refuse to have relations with him since I don't believe in this kind of family structure. I wish he would leave but he doesn't want to - it's such an impossible situation.

[Hunny]

Thank you Rhiannonsmoon:

It is harsh Rhainnonsmoon but it has happened so gradually and for so long it almost doesn't feel like anything anymore. Is that denial or resignation? Am I numb or too tired of feeling pain? Am I mature or immature? Is it okay to be so imperfect or do I keep striving for that perfect relationship?

The grief is true that is for sure. It is a death in a kind of way. There are no tears but there is still a little guilt and shame and a sense of being done not happy done, just done. It would not be good to attempt a rescue. It would not be safe.

I will and am attempting to not judge and to try to be gentle.
Thank you again Rhian

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

(((( ((((Hunny)))) )))), (((( ((((Lynn)))) ))))

You are both going through such a harsh time. I ask you both to be gentle on self and treat self with kid gloves and kindness. I so feel for you both and I understand the grief that accompanies the realisation of the final straw.

And you may not know it but the old must be let go so that anything new that is waiting, can come in and help with changes.

I really am thinking of you both, feeling the depth of your sadness and pain. I really do hope it passes and that you use that new energy as a spingboard to the future,

((((Hugs to you both))))

Rhiannon

[Hunny]

KathyM. smile

Your 'dance' response post really did make me smile and even chuckle. Thank you for this.

It seems your sister and her husband were unable to keep even the spark going but gave it a good heave ho. It is difficult to watch loved ones go through the pain of this kind of ending. You must take care of yourself though, no matter what her hurts are. She will likely look to you for strength on occasion but here is hoping not too much.

'New phases' is a very appropo term for where I am at and yes, you are right, there are a ton of 'hurdles' it appears, not the least of which is, what to do now? I am attending a motivational session tomorrow so I hope I can use it for my personal situation too.

Maybe I will list all my hurdles and then all my 'how to overcome hurdles'. I'll try to keep posting as I discover what they are.

Originally Posted by KathyM

((Hunny)) and (((Lynn)))

Hunny, I had no idea you were going through all of this. I hope my playful post in the Video Forum didn't offend you. The title and content of your thread made me giggle.

My sister is your age and recently tackled/is tackling the same problem. I used to think she married a perfect man and had the perfect marriage. So did she. After 24 years, it became loveless, but still cordial. In an attempt to renew their spark, my sister requested couples counseling. All was going well, when he blurted out during a session that he wanted a divorce because he met someone else - a younger woman. This totally blind-sided her.

They divorced, and he married the other woman. My sister is still struggling to find her way on this new path she was forced to walk, but she's keeping her head up as best she can.

New phases in life are always difficult. From the beginning, it's a series of hurdles. I hope something comes along soon to give you the motivation to tackle this hurdle.

In the meantime, my offer still stands. Just remember - One, two, three...AND.

[Hunny]

Perna,

I immediately clicked and read as much as I could of this book at least what was available online. I definitely love her take on ageism and the increasing aging population. I see it as about a foot thick piece of plexi-glass when it comes to 'being seen' by some.

I don't deny I did this same thing when I was younger too (well not all, but some). It is wanting to be in familiarity, I think.

You'll be 60 too? Yippeee! I hope your okay if I state this so exuberantly!? See there I go, glumping myself together with the familiar.

How are you perceiving your up-coming birthday?

I will try to find this book in my country. If not, maybe I'll just see what is available and written recently.

Thanks!

Originally Posted by Perna

Hunny, I'll be 60 too in October. I recommend you buy/find at the library this book:

http://www.amazon.com/60-Up-Truth-Ab.../dp/0807029289

It kind of reads like your post :-) There's questioning and depression and "what next?" and how did this happen, etc. but in there is also some soothing and the comforting feeling that one is not alone. The author was 82 when she wrote the book; is a professional sociologist and psychotherapist, both. The author is living what she's writing about as well as being an expert in the fields and the writing is really great, you can feel her participation in what she's asking/saying.

[Hunny]

Muser

Well, I never really thought of them as being ageless. Thanks. Good grief, I guess I don't have to be all mature and everything do I? Finding love after divorce does kind of scare me though.

I would say that my self-esteem throughout all this has virtually disappeared and my spirit around this loss...well, it leaves me without a speck of energy, albeit, no pain...breathless and therefore lifeless...therefore...a persistent question...if the breath does not want to be then why still the 'sucking in' of it?

Oh, dear...kind of under the rock imagery here...a good place for a failure and slimey me.

I don't think you are this way though. It is just kind of the way I am thinking for myself...like very low, not successful, not in crisis just an 'un', a 'not', a 'less'...you know, yeah, the spirit is low, very very low.

Originally Posted by Muser

Hunny....

I think fear, sadness, loneliness and love are ageless. Your post touches all ages.

I found love after divorce and I never expected to. This...what you are going through plays havoc with your self-esteem and your spirit. As the others said...don't be so hard on yourself.

60 is young. I wish you all the best in your new beginnings.

[Hunny]

Naturefreak,

You are amazing! Thank you for being here and there and everywhere.

I in no way think of you as a freak but an encourager. I am undone with everyone's responses here on this thread. I never knew there would be so much help...I just was pretty low...and well, anyway. . . thanks.

Originally Posted by Naturefreak

((((Hunny))) ((((Lynn))))
Two wonderful people . I wish you both the best

[Perna]

I love round/even numbers (the 5's and 10's of age, especially :-) so becoming 60 is kind of neat for me. I really loved becoming 50 in 2000/the Millennium. I pay attention to my live in 10-year increments so, "How was 2000-2010?" is a question I have been asking myself this last half of the year.

I'm having trouble with the "what to do next" question; I find being older is harder than other challenges I've faced in my life; the not tip-top physical aspect (constant aches and pains, tiredness, etc.) and the lack of obvious "next steps" as have always come before, coupled with the known/constant diminishing of senses, etc. have me scrambling, but not necessarily in a productive way, but more in circles

I have friends who are older who can't see; my hearing is not great and not getting better over time, I remember my stepmother's refrigerator full of food with green stuff growing on it that she couldn't "see" (though her sight was good) and wonder how much longer my husband (older than I am) will be able to drive, etc. I have the urge to rush and help other elderly, while I'm able with the "magical" thinking that that will merit me help when I am less able and I see my 86 year old neighbor, still driving, still living on her own and mowing her lawn, etc. My hamster-on-a-treadmill thoughts pause when I see/think of her and my 88 year old aunt, right this minute I'm okay and who knows what the future may hold? Pay attention to now, Perna, you can pay attention to the "future" when it gets here.

[Hunny]

Perna,

I know I read your post here before today but while I was looking for something else I found this again and see I had not responded. Lol, it is appropo for the posting. Perhaps I read it and saw all the thoughts you have and I have thought them too and immediately went into denial. But actually there were a few things going on at the time. I did get my position, I am still setting new and wonderful () goals, like: picking up my guitar again, deciding on fitness regime (sort of), continuing to seek my spiritual direction, etc. Thanks for letting me write. I feel kind of grown up in a not too old sort of a way.

I love the round numbers too. Weren't we lucky being born that year because it is so easy to remember dates based on it. Being born smack-dab in the middle of a century, lol, what a claim! The 50th birthday for me was so 'rocking' because I asked so many people to celebrate it with me. I got a huge bouquet of flowers and a trip somewhere and those floatie balloons, gee a lunch too, if I remember, it went on and on. But that was before I knew my dx. I guess to me it doesn't matter the dx but to some internal parts it does but that's a whole other story isn't it. I am not afraid of 60. I am going to celebrate 60, Perna. I have a couple of personal plans and who knows what else will happen.

I went to church, Sunday and looked at a few 80 year olds and more and wondered, just like I used to wonder when I was 50 looking at 70 year olds. Wondering, wondering what, I don't know, just kind of looking, watching, looking for what, I have not clue, just kind of curious, I guess... I've even forgotten the purpose of this post, lol, but today I feel less afraid and a little more hopeful than when I first started it.