[Belle1979]

You all know my story (well most of you do I am sure)...

I've been totally grumpy this week that he has been back. I'm going to ruin the whole thing unless I can pull myself back up out of this hole I am in. I don't even know how I got back into the darkness

I think about Mark every day - STUPID! not loving thoughts, so don't worry about that LOL. When I am falling asleep (in bed alone or with my new partner) I have visions of what he did to me, him and her in the house etc... Those thoughts had gone and now are back. I don't want to go back on the anti-depressants, don't think it's really needed. Just need to find a happy medium.

I should be happy, have a wonderful guy who I really have fallen for but my insecurities are going to send that down the drain. He knows I'm fragile and have issues... said previously that we will work though them together...but I feel all alone. Can't or don't want to keep having to ask him are 'we are all good?', he gets frustrated and I know that it will drive him away as he is a fun positive guy.

for the past 4 weeks there have been "I love you" over skype chat while he is away at work... one "I love you the night he got back as he was falling asleep" and none for the next 6 days... I did say I love you to him while we are away and he jokingly asked "how much" I held my fngers a couple of inches apart and said "this much"... then he changed the subject. No return I love you. He knows not to say it if he's not feeling it (my rule as they are not just words)... but wow it felt like a slap in the face not to have him say it back... now it's 3 days past and I am still dwelling on it.

We had a great afternoon.. and a great weekend away - if only I could stop the grumpy thoughts as he diesn't deserve them. Its all that i read too much into everything.

Sorry for the ramble, so much I need to understand and talk about,

He asked what was wrong.. i kept saying nothing.. he knew I was lying LOL but still I said just not to worry.. as he was leaving I blurted out "I'm scared of getting hurt" and he replied with something like "you need to get past that thought".. not a great answer and I chose a really bad time to say it as he did have to leave.

Lots of cuddles and kisses when i walked him out. Says that he will miss me heaps...and that he knows how I feel about the 4 weeks apart. He wants to take me away next time he's back.

All of these actions and words are truthful... so why can't I just be happy??

[Muser]

My dearest Belle....you blurted out what you felt...you are afraid of getting hurt again. Maybe not what you even wanted to hear yourself say but there it is...the elephant in the room.

He's a good man and even you said...doing everything right. This is not something he can fix. Only you can. It takes time and maybe a little help from your friends....maybe a visit with your T. You have this 4 weeks (and the next 4) again to work on it some more. Read, talk, think.....

Be gentle with yourself. Expect this to take time. You know I think of you as a friend and there are others who do as well. Get down to the nitty-gritty...roll up your sleeves and attack this like you would if it was a task from your boss. What would you tell me if I came to you and told you "I am still feeling the hurt from my past?"

You care for him....that is a feeling. You know what it was like the last time you felt that for someone....thus the fear. He can't do enough right things to take away the wrong that was done to you.

I care about you...if I can help you know where I am

[Belle1979]

Thanks Muser. I do think you are spot on.. you are my friend too

Maybe a visit to my T will set me back on a track that I am happy travelling. I was going to see him no long ago but the only appointments that he had available were when L was back - he doesn't know that I have seen a T (or about the anti-depressants) so I didn't end up booking a time. Must get on to it this week.

xxxxx

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((Belle))))))))

My heart aches for you Belle. I understand the pain and concerns you have, I know the terrible fear of abandonment as well as the pain of betrayal you have within. If he has never experienced it he just wouldn't know.

Maybe he was hurt by the way you said "this much". It wasn't a lot of love and that may have upset him a little. Then to hear that you are still afraid of being hurt he may think that you are holding back and that is stunting the relationship?

But I agree that you need to speak to someone and the T is the best person because he knows you and knows your history.

One thing I would suggest though is that when you have thoughts of Mark and you are going to sleep. Instantly replace them with thoughts of L and the fun and wonderful things you have done together since you first met. It will ground you into this new relationship and remind you that things are different,

Loving hugs,

Rhiannon

[mysecretname]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

((((((((Belle))))))))

My heart aches for you Belle. I understand the pain and concerns you have, I know the terrible fear of abandonment as well as the pain of betrayal you have within. If he has never experienced it he just wouldn't know.

Maybe he was hurt by the way you said "this much". It wasn't a lot of love and that may have upset him a little. Then to hear that you are still afraid of being hurt he may think that you are holding back and that is stunting the relationship?

But I agree that you need to speak to someone and the T is the best person because he knows you and knows your history.

One thing I would suggest though is that when you have thoughts of Mark and you are going to sleep. Instantly replace them with thoughts of L and the fun and wonderful things you have done together since you first met. It will ground you into this new relationship and remind you that things are different,

Loving hugs,

Rhiannon

Couldn't have said it better myself. The power of positive thinking. If you just let your mind wander, it will usually wind up the one place you don't want it to. So don't let it, when you start to wander, immediately think of L and all of the good. Picture his smile, how his eyes look lovingly at you, him holding you and whatever other images that you enjoy... The brain doesn't think in words or language it thinks in images, so picture all of the good images about L that you can and you will feel better and it will become your default thought instead of M and the things you don't want in your life....

[Belle1979]

I am focusing on the positive things - in life in genenral, so thanks guys.

For example I am working out of my office for the next few days at a clients office and I'm not 'happy' to be there.. no email, no facebook and everyone there has the flu - yuck!! but then I found a positive, I enjoy going to lunch from the office as it has nice parks and good cheap food from the cafes

Figure if I can do that with everything I'll start to be more calmer and feel better about myself.

L rang last night - I wasn't expecting him to as we had decided that we wouldn't talk every night, simply running out of things to say. I kept a smile on my face the whole time, up beat and chatty to him but he was just 'blah' really. I asked what he has been up to and he said something along the lines of back to the grind and nothing interesting to say or do up there. Chat didn't last long about half an hour with me doing most of the talking.

The 'spark' has worn off already, no more smiles from him like there was at the start of getting to know each other.. It's only been a few months, 4 weeks in total spent together. If the 'spark' and happiness is dying now (imo) then what's left for the future? Relationships are hard work, I know that. M was a drug addict with major depression issues when we first got together... together we worked through all of that (I gave up drinking and he gave up the drugs) maybe that's what bonded us together.

I just don't feel the same bond with L. He doesn't actually seem to be the happy go lucky guy I thought he was. I know that being away at work for 4 weeks sucks but it's his choice so suck it up...

No "I love you" at the end of the call.... don't know what to make of the lack of that now. I'm not saying it until he does as I don't want to be left there hanging in the breeze again and I also don't want to put pressure on him to say it.

When M had told Lisa that he loved her 3 weeks into their relationship, I thought to myself WTF... you can't fall in love that quick - lust maybe but not love.

Everything with L moved pretty fast, we just 'clicked' (as he put it). Maybe it's slowing down to a normal pace? But a normal pace when I only get to see him every 4 weeks seems horrid...

I wanted to be swept off my feet. He did that at the start and now seems to have just become more of a 'friend'..

Rambling thoughts... no need for a reply really LOL just need to get it all out of my head!

[mysecretname]

There are a lot of things at play here, so try not to get too worried over any one small event. He could have just been having an off night or if he is like me, the first day back is always horrible... I don't know, I can't see his body language or hear the inflections in his voice or what he is saying... Sometimes with a fast moving relationship the slowing down happens, maybe you realize that you don't know all of the little things that you would if you moved slower or it is the drag of have a long distance relationship. They are hard and not for everyone. The best thing is to just talk to him. If this keeps up tell him that you feel there might be a distance growing between you or that you feel the spark is slowly going out... There are so many could be's that you could be driving yourself up the wall, so it might be much better to just get it out in the open and find out the truth....

[Belle1979]

Thanks mysecretname.

That's half my problem I think - I assume the worst or read into things that just aren't there.

I'm scared to ask if everything is 'ok' with us as he gets frustrated when I ask and the text message I got from him before he boarded the plane was. "Stop stressing, everything is good."

Have a feeling that he is an independant type of guy - that's fine with me as I like my space but I find that I am being clingy with him and it's not fun (for me or for him!!)

[mysecretname]

Well don't keep asking we are ok.... If you are worried about something talk specifically about that. That is a problem with communication if you generalize it so will they. Just like if I ask my girlfriend if there is anything she wants to talk about she almost always says no, but if I say can we talk about bipolar or the car or whatever then we talk about it... At the same time though, you have to learn to trust him if you want to be with him....

belle, don't make any decisions or come to any firm conclusions about the relationship while you are upset. it's best to do that when you're in a stabler place. it may be that just as you are having issues with abandonment he may have issues with sex. he's trying to support you with your issues so i think supporting him if this is an issue, and not just a difference in sex drive, is a good thing.

having said that, i know you are also wondering if he is the one for you long-term. maybe it would be helpful to really think about what your priorities are in a long-term relationship/marriage partner. i remember reading an article years ago that said to list the top 10 most important things to you in a relationship. you only get 10 so you have to prioritize. then you had to determine which were essentials that you had to have and which were things you had some wiggle room on. there may have been a limit on how many essentials you get to choose as well but i forget. of course this is only a good guideline (no rules!) but i found it helpful to really think about what is important.

it's always interesting then to see how what you say you value lines up with the types of guys you choose. it may be that you aren't picking guys with long-term potential or you don't really value what you may think you do on paper. for me i can say i want a good, nice guy but in reality i know i'm going to sacrifice a bit on the niceness for someone with a bit more excitement. not saying that is a good thing but for me i know it's true by the people i've picked so far. i figure i might as well be honest about it.