[dustintochampagne]

there is a lot i could probably get into about this whole issue, but for now i'm going to just try and summarize i guess. so, here's the thing: has anyone ever been in a relationship with someone who had the same or similar issues as you? if so, have you found it difficult and/or triggering at times?

i completely realize that could come across as selfish, and this sentence maybe even more so: when i think about the future, i have to wonder if although i love my partner so much, that because we are so similar, that it wouldn't be healthier for me to (well, i do want to experience being single for once in my life at some point, if we ever did break up) but to be with someone who was maybe, mental health wise, healthier than me? as i said, i know that may sound selfish. but i've gone through a period in our relationship before where i felt like this and then distanced myself, and i'm going into one again, i can feel it. my partner & i have been together for almost 3 years now (and were best friends for a long time before that), but i do worry about the future. at the same time, i love her very much and don't want to hurt her.

so any advice/insight/personal experience about this matter would be greatly appreciated.

second part: i'm not at a place to make a huge decision either way, and i'm not prepared to anyway. i want to try and make us work right here, right now at least. so when she gets off work tonight, she has the next two days off. does anyone have any ideas of something i could suggest doing together tonight that might help us connect? perhaps not TOO serious (you know, delving into a deep conversation) - but something just fun and relaxing and if we end up opening up a little more than we have been lately, great? i was thinking like maybe cooking dinner or something together, i don't know.

thanks again....

[Perna]

I smiled a little at your assumptions that (a) your partner wouldn't grow as well as you over the years (you'd be "healthier" than she and would grow tired of that) and (b) someone "mentally healthier" than you would be wanting to be in a relationship with you and/or you'd be able to find someone like that and get into a relationship with them.

What's with the dichotomies? We are not "the same" as others; I think I understand what you're saying (my stepmother and I both had anxiety issues) but that's just your point of view, not "reality" I don't think? All you can worry about is who you want to be, what sort of person, and work toward that. The same for your partner. If your partner isn't working "fast enough" or well enough, etc. then you have to decide what you want for your life. Maybe you're worrying too much about your partner and what she's doing instead of just you?

Asking for suggestions for the next two days, for example; you should be thinking of what YOU want and/or asking her what she wants for the two days, not me! Get in touch with what you really want and work toward that. If you want to try cooking together, then suggest that but if neither of you particularly like to cook or one or the other of you is "better" at cooking so there might be arguments, I would go out to eat, maybe go "away" and do some talking in the car? I love car trips with my husband, we do a lot of our discussing and sharing then.

Curiosity. That's one of the best tools you can have I think. Being curious as to other people, asking them about their point of view and lives, etc. instead of commenting so much. It makes it easier to listen to others when I remind myself to be curious instead of applying everything the other person says to myself or my life.

[dustintochampagne]

i guess i don't really know how to take some of the things you said, i feel a little mixed emotionally about it to be honest, but i do thank you for taking the time to reply.

i guess i'll start with the curiousity thing: i'm not sure if you were making a general reference to me and posts i have made as whole on PC, in which case i guess i didn't mean to post in "wrong" way, and i'll work on that. if you were in reference to asking for ideas or examples of things people have done with their partner to maybe feel more connected to them, isn't that being curious? of course i'm not going to do something that myself and/or my partner don't want to do, i was just looking for ideas. ultimately, we do love cooking so i guess we'll probably both be interested in doing that, i just felt as though i was interested in hearing if anyone else had any input.

i do see your point about the "assumptions" part - you putting it like that does open my eyes to that side. i guess because i did not go into all the details that there are, it makes it hard to see the whole picture. i know and truly believe that i am working on myself and trying to grow and a big part of that for me is therapy. my partner and i recently had a discussion that she doesn't think she will ever be willing to even try therapy again, because it wasn't useful for her in the past. i suppose i can see now that there are other ways to grow as a person. i guess what i meant to say, maybe, was just more that i sometimes crave someone who has a "stronger" personality maybe. but, i can't predict the future. maybe things will change. maybe they won't. maybe i won't, even. i'm just trying to take things one day at a time.

to be COMPLETELY honest, i would never assume that if my partner and i ever did break up, that i would ever even find ANYONE else that would want to be me with. i just have really low self esteem that way. but i guess i'm just thinking in what my mind, are "healthy ideals". based off of conversations i had with a past T.

either way, i'm not ending the relationship right now i was just trying to get some thoughts out of my head.

i hope i didn't offend you, that's not my intent, i guess i feel like there were a couple points of mine that were perhaps just maybe misunderstood. if i misunderstood what you were saying in reply, i am open to that.

thank you again.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by dustintochampagne

i have to wonder if although i love my partner so much, that because we are so similar, that it wouldn't be healthier for me to but to be with someone who was maybe, mental health wise, healthier than me?

but i've gone through a period in our relationship before where i felt like this and then distanced myself, and i'm going into one again, i can feel it. my partner & i have been together for almost 3 years now (and were best friends for a long time before that), but i do worry about the future. at the same time, i love her very much and don't want to hurt her.

i want to try and make us work right here, right now at least. so when she gets off work tonight, she has the next two days off.

I'm sorry if I confused or upset you. I also misread what you wrote! I thought you had the next two days off, not her.

It sounds to me like your cart may be too far ahead of your horse? I think we can influence others by our own positives more than we realize; we just assume we're not very good for others or they for us, etc. and don't think about the things that go well or reasons we are together in the first place. Maybe work on your self esteem, grow to enjoy and like yourself and I bet your girlfriend will grow in her own self esteem and the relationship will go better/with less friction? My husband has always had great self esteem and I have grown enormously because of him but, if you asked him, he'd say he's learned and benefited from me! Think about what you want/like and go toward that and I bet she'll join along happily and/or have the courage to do her own thing better and you'll enjoy that.

[dustintochampagne]

all of these points are really good, and thank you.

i probably am getting ahead of myself, i tend to do that anyway but i guess i've felt recent pressure because of a conversation with a friend (a whole other story, and i've probably put the pressure on myself for the most part.)

i know that i DO need to do some more work on my own self esteem and continue growing. i can see now, if i step back, that i think she has been trying to make some changes. i hope that this will encourage us both to keep trying to continue to better ourselves and grow individually and as a couple.

again, thank you for clarifying