[Dolfin]

I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I've been out enjoying life and trying to get back in the swing of dating again. After one total disaster, I started to err on the side of caution for a while, and then I met a really cool guy. He's a bit younger than I am (I'm 30 in a couple weeks...he's approaching 23) but he carries himself very maturely (much to my surprise).

We have been out on three dates, the last of which was Sat night (Sept 3) and when we parted ways, it was with our first kiss and a promise of a phone call from him the next day. Up to this point, I thought things were going great. Well, Sunday comes and goes, no phone call. I told myself, "He got busy with his friends". Monday comes and goes, no phone call again. I was beginning to wonder what happened that he wouldn't call me. We had been speaking to each other everyday either on the phone or computer for almost three weeks now.

So, before I put myself too far into my own head, I came here and chatted with very dear friends (whom I have missed very much!), and he came online. I told him hi, and it took him a few minutes to even respond to that. I asked him how he'd been, and I could feel the tension in his vague responses. So, I decide to ask him why he hadn't called. He said he didn't feel like it. That stung. I asked him why and he fires back that I'm being clingy and moving too fast. OK, stop the bus. HE has been the one asking ME on dates, to which I accept his invitations, and we have shared ONE good night kiss, which was on our last date.

Many of you know how I was burned by my ex going on 7 months ago. I have my guard up so high it's not funny. So, am I really being clingy? How am I moving too fast when I'm letting HIM set the tone because I don't want it to blow up in my face?

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, or not enough. I'm just confused as to what happened after our last date, and after his responses online last night, I won't call him. I've decided to leave it up to him, and if he doesn't call, so be it. But, it still leaves a mark. I sometimes feel like I have this huge red "A" on my chest or there's a stamp on my butt "damaged goods" and it makes men turn and run. Or, maybe it's the topics we discuss. I just don't understand!!!

My T says that I'm doing great since the break up (she's been there thru it ALL) and thinks it's wonderful I'm getting out and dating again. She can tell the ex is ancient history to me. After some very scathing remarks made by him, it gave me the closure I needed to get over it. I don't even talk about him unless it's to my Mom or T (that's dating death - talking about ex's) and it's usually not anything nice (I know, not good, but it gets the anger out somehow).

Sorry this is so long-winded...just very hurt and confused right now and could use some constructive input. Thanks for listening.

Dolfin

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((dolfin)))))))))))))) it's great to see you again! i'm sorry about the circumstance that you began posting about though.

i think this about his reaction...it was him, dear, not you. i think that he felt like he was caring and that it was moving too fast and, with his younger age, he has to blame you now, doesn't he?

i think alot of ppl freak and run when they start feeling something. i think he was feeling quickly and got scared. something tells me he's been burned pretty badly too, or he has a fear of strong feeling or commitment.

either way, it sounds completely like his issue. unfortunately, when one has an issue in a relationship, it affects both. he also sounds like he might be a blamer or not at all in connection with his own emotion or feeling.

i would move on based on that. know in your heart of hearts it was his issue and keep on a walkin'.

i hope to see more of you.

kd

dolf this is not the man for you, he is not as mature as you thought he was, he is a scared little boy running away from any responsibilty for his own actions be they good or bad. and a potential control freak in the making. nip it in the bud now and move on
this boy is an immature fool, and until he does grow up that is all he will ever be, a boy.

please dont let this make you go out and buy cats, your better than that.

hugs from across the atlantic (((((((((dolf)))))))))

[January]

((((((((((((((((( Dol ))))))))))))))))))))))

You are not at fault here in any way. Let him go with the knowledge that he's at fault. He's a jerk. You are too good for him.

I'm so sorry he hurt you.

Many, many hugs, my dear friend.

Jan

[seeker1950]

Your behavior was NOT clinging at all!
I agree with the others here that you should let this one go.
Seeker

[MacD]

Unfortunately, it's not just guys that do this one, Dolfin....Alot of insecure folks play the "come closer, please.....that's too close" game....It truly has nothing to do w/you. It's him...and he's seeing right now just how far he can push you and still get you back....I guarantee that the next move will be a lovely and romantic attempt to "reconnect".....(and if you do, you'll probably get the unexplained and unexpected "disconnect" again).....He may carry himself in a mature way...but he isn't yet mature....hang in there....love Grace

[jmo531]

I agree with what the others have said as scenerio #1.

It could also be that you have been out on three dates and only a goodnight kiss came of it. Most men, his age and even older expect much more from a women even as soon as the first date. It's disgusting. Maybe he felt that he wasnt getting as far with you as he wanted. I dont know, men suck. LOL. Maybe that was his reasoning.

In any case, Dolfin, I am really sorry that this happened to you. Your behavior does not sound clingy to me at all. Dont doubt youself. You did fine.

It is nice to see you BTW


Hugs,

jen

[seeker1950]

I think younger men often think of "older" women as "grateful," and ready to accommodate them. You were wise to use reserve in your conduct toward this 23 year old.
Seeker
P.S.....speaking from experience unfortunately.

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Dolfin said:
I'm just confused as to what happened after our last date, and after his responses online last night, I won't call him. I've decided to leave it up to him, and if he doesn't call, so be it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Looks like you've decided. If you change your mind and call, be direct and ask him what you need to know. Sounds like you need it resolved.

(((((Huggs))))) I'm sorry this can't be easier for you.

[tracylee]

Hiya, just read this and I am also confused by how men think. Having read most of the responses you have had, I tend to agree that it is his fault as he was the one doing all the asking. I have found that if I give away too much personal information in the early days of meeting and getting know some one it takes away the mystery of who you are too?? I could make a totally patronising comment about men, being, men have only two faults, everything they say and everything they do to make light of the situation, which wont help you right now, but Dolf, be strong, be you and thats it sis. He has obviously lost out on someone very very special and doesnt deserve you anyway!!

[bonaire]

OK, I'm a guy so maybe I could help with some support.

What I sense here is this. He may not be interested in going further with a relationship. A kiss means "something is happening here - make a decision, do you want it to progress or not." As a guy, he's "accomplished something" - got a kiss out of spending time and he's reached a milestone. However, he may not be able to share and commit and offer you himself exclusively in a longer-term relationship and can't necessarily tell you that without feeling ashamed.

I don't have any details but the way you described it - you would best let go of this guy and try to find someone who is more compatible with you, more in tune to your spirit and someone who would really enjoy being around you. You deserve someone who lights up when they talk to you, not someone who says "I didn't feel like calling". Ever see a friend and they greet you with a wide-eyed "Hiiiiiiii!" - that's the kind of guy you can enjoy spending time with.

Now, dating - that's an interesting thing. Some people go into dating with expectations that every one you meet is going to be perfect for you - your next soul mate and are hurt when they don't work out. Dating, to a lot of people is far more than it really should be. They make it into an attempt to re-define themselves through others and put a lot of weight into what the other party thinks of them and devalue themselves when they are rejected by someone else. Be careful not to allow yourself to be devalued by him (or someone like him).

Just consider dating what it is supposed to be - sharing time with someone else of the opposite sex. If they're not right for you, there are billions more of them out there who you can meet. Think of the possibilities!

I'll support you in saying - you are a great person and will attract the right kind of person into your life when the time is right. Keep a positive attitude and that person's image in your heart and they will come to you in due time.

(oh my - my son in 5th grade just came home from school and said "I heard we have a dance in February"... My first-born's first step into the possibilities of a dating situation. Sheesh).

- John