How can I deal with a withdrawing boyfriend effectively?

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I've been asking some questions and seeking various advice to deal with my schizophrenic boyfriend of seven years. I've been getting so much good advice and support here, one member in a different forum brought it to my attention that the problems I had mentioned are not necessarily schizophrenia related, just regular relationship issues, which was a relief to know.

So here is my situation, me and my bf have been super close and communicative for the whole relationship prior to my birthday this past June. He has been withdrawing since late June because I pointed out that he didn't give me a birthday card, (which he always had given in previous years.) He left a sweet voicemail though. But he said he was busy configuring his computer, which I know he was doing even weeks before my bday but it still seemed odd. So I told him I wanted the card at some point, even if it is late.

And he even got an attitude with me, which was very unual for him because he is good natured. So I got suspicious. For all of July he barely talked to me. Then he started to lighten up in August and start talking a little more but not nearly as much before. Things started picking up even more in September. We both started a new semester the second week of September at different colleges and he's had a lot of school work and has a particularly hard class he has to concentrate hard on. Plus he has new responsibilities at work. I have a very tough load of online classes but I have made the time always to email and call him.

But the problem is I havn't heard from him in a week, he has not responded to my voicemails, he hasn't even checked them because the voicemail box is full, he hasn't answered my email. But the last e-mail he sent was very hopeful but he did indicate the things he had to do and it's a lot for him to manage.

What I do know is that it takes a lot of concentration for him to manage a lot of important things at once but he has been able to do well at our relationship, while working and attending school in the past.

Since he has schizophrenia I know I have to consider heavily the stress factor can cause performance issues because of the way people with that illness process things, stress triggers a lot of problems for them. His doctor says he has mild schizophrenia though and I've seen him gaining steady progress over these last 3 years after his diagnosis and the treatment program that he successfully completed.

But I few times since late June, I had been trying to tell him that I didn't understand why he didn't give me a birthday card and it hurt my feelings but he didn't want to listen and I kept wanting to talk about it because it was improtant to me. He also doesn't give me ANY gifts ever so the card is the ONLY special thing I have to look forward to from him on my birthday and holidays. Anyways anytime I bring anything up that bothers me, he gets all depressed, he can't handle being told he's wrong even if he is! And it's just really annoying and frustrating.

I get that most of the issue is just how men naturally act but this bothers me how can I get through to him? And then I just think he is naturally sensative and emotional too.

I'm try everything but nothing works. I'm willing to try new approaches so that he will communicate with me and answer my questions.

I guess this all bugs me so much is because he was always the one to initiate everything, all the communications and doing stuff together and always showered me with attention and that's all I've ever been accustomed to.

And since late June, now I've had to begin initiating everything. It's so different now and I don't like it. I was able to bring up our lack of communication the last time we talked on the phone but he said he thought things were fine with us!! Why do guys do this? Maybe it's fine to him but not to me. I just want things back the way they were....


Any advice would help, thanks.

Hmm, It seems that perhpas he felt like he wasputting in most of the effort? But at the same time, I know that's not true from what you've told me. I think the best thing you two could benefit from might be couples counseling. It seems the problem might be a mixture of schizophrenia affecting the relationship, as well as regular issues that perhaps a professional would know how to sort out. Good luck! =)

Sounds like you are trying to change him to what you want instead of changing yourself to be what you want. We can't change other people.

I don't think it is a good idea to "demand" cards and gifts, that sort of defeats the purpose of "gift" as being freely given. I'd be resentful at your insisting on a card so seriously. I "insist" on chocolate bunnies for Easter but it's a joke between me and my husband and if he were to forget, I wouldn't be hurt, it's just a piece of chocolate!

We can let others know how much we appreciate what we're given but I don't think it is a good idea, for you or him, to feel bad about not getting a card. Other people can't make us feel bad, we do that to ourselves with our own expectations; your boyfriend isn't responsible for what you want, you are; he has his own wants and life he has to take care of.

You may be pushing him too much with your wants and hidden agendas even wanting to be particularly close right now if he wants space to work on his school work or some other aspect of his life can feel like a burden, still giving so much hidden weight to a simple card that wasn't given (its time is over!), that's only hurting yourself.

Wow, I can't believe you are still holding this against him. You did talk to him about the card in June, and he did give you an explanation then and in fact left you a sweet phone message: "He left a sweet voicemail though. But he said he was busy configuring his computer." So he didn't get you a card because he was busy with his computer. You know the reason he didn't give you the card, so why do you say you don't understand? It seems pretty easy to understand. He got busy and forgot!

By continuing to want to talk about this card thing with him, could it be you are creating problems in the relationship?

Although what Perna wrote can be helpful sometimes to keep in mind for many situations, a person can also go too far in the other direction, and just accept whatever treatment the other partner dishes out. I'm not saying that was the case for you in this card incident, but I learned when my marriage broke up and I went to marriage counseling, that a big problem in my marriage was how I had not spoken up for what I wanted and needed. If I was treated like a doormat, I just accepted that ("I can't change him" mantra) instead of speaking up and saying what was and wasn't acceptable. I'm not sure he would have changed or not in key ways that might have preserved the marriage, but at least it would have been clearer what would not be tolerated in the marriage and he could have either changed his behavior or I could have dissolved the marriage sooner. (I could have also changed my behavior if he ever expressed what was wrong, instead of just having to guess what was eating at him and try to guess what changes to make to appease him. I know that marriage is a two way street.) By my "I can't change him so why try?" attitude, I did not give the marriage every possible chance to succeed. I have worked a lot in therapy to realize that the other person is not an immovable, unchangeable stone and that only I am the one who must change. Both people in the relationship have a responsibility to make it work. It is hard to learn that seemingly simple fact after all these years, but there you have it.

So on the one hand, SakuraLi, I do respect you A LOT for speaking up and saying you were disappointed to not get a card. But I think that saying it just once was enough. Your BF did explain why. End of story. I think if gifts and cards are mandatory requirements of a relationship for you, then this may not be your guy for life. I think it also might be worth questioning if the cards need be so high on your "must have" list. I think how they treat you every day is more important than if they remember to give a card on a special occasion. But we all have different needs and wants.

Thanks for the insights everyone. Hindsight is of course 20/20. Demanding something is not a good idea. I get it now and I`ll scratch that off of my list of how to handle things. We all make mistakes that are dumb, even those of you that came down on me so hard for what I explained to you. My time with my bf has not always been like this I guess I decided to react in certain ways based on my frustrations that have built up over the years. I believe we as humans do that from time to time. My bf is a very decent man and I love him so much but he`s not always able to be how a mentally well man is for certain reasons. In late August I started to realize this when I started to research for the FIRST time about his illness. I never had time because Im in school and he always seemed to be handling everything so well I didnt realize it was something i had to know about. Again, I know better now so I`d appreciate not being lectured about how I should have researched the illness sooner. Its not easy taking care of myself, making sure my grades stay at a 3.5 gpa to ensure that I keep getting my scholarship which is one of few things that is keeping me in college plus trying to emotionally support my bf some times life is hard and stressful for young women trying to make a way in the world for themselves. but whatever. I shouldnt be telling strangers my business anyhow.

If he has schizophrenia and he actually left you a message what importance is in the card? It seems that you expect a very high standard from him all of the time and he is in withdrawal because of it

If he feels attacked because of a piece of card paper he may see that as totally unfair and unreasonable There are those who never buy cards or gifts and those who never expect them and they survive well

Rhiannon and her man buy gifts when they feel like it but are not pressured to at the religiously based days

It is regretful you feel the way you do and is it sorry we are that you are hurt but please put yourself in his shoes and imagine if you can how all the pressures may be splitting him into someone who can not cope or manage

Wishing you well

SakuraLi

I'm sorry you feel we have been hard on you. Sometimes it's very hard to get across one's thoughts and ideas on the Internet without appearing to be positive/negative. I know I still have trouble telling the difference between people's observations and criticism. I don't want you to feel bad.

Part of what I see with how you "deal" with your "withdrawing" boyfriend is how you seem to label people and situations.

I quoted your first sentence above because it seems you have a routine way of handling things in your head, before you even have a situation to "apply" your rules to? I think it is limiting and less enjoyable for you if you have a "list of ways" to deal when each situation when you and another person are changing constantly and each situation different from any other situation.

In the second sentence I quoted, it would appear you know how "mentally well men" behave? By teaching yourself to see your boyfriend as "mentally unwell" as if there is some actual standard we could base our behavior on that would fit in all situations for all people and could be judged well/unwell, I think you limit experiencing your boyfriend fully and helping him and yourself have a better relationship.

I don't know that you needed to "research" your boyfriend's illness at all, much less sooner. You have a relationship with him that is about you and him and has nothing whatsoever to do with any illness he may/may not have. It is a little like deciding a person with a broken arm can't hike up a mountain because he doesn't have both arms and legs to help himself with and might have difficulties. One can't know what a particular person with a broken arm can/cannot do based on what someone else "like" him did or didn't do. I'm sure you have seen the TV shows/videos of blind people skiing and the guy with no legs who runs marathons, etc. http://www.marathonchamp.com/about/qa/

You imply that your boyfriend has specifically asked for and needs emotional support and that you do not get anything in return? It reads like a "burden" to you; how hard it is to support him AND yourself. Yes, I guarantee everyone at this site knows it is very difficult to take care of/support one's self, period.

That's what we have come here to get support for, ourselves. I don't think many here can help you with your taking on your boyfriend's problems though. You see your boyfriend as "withdrawing" and want to be "effective" in your "dealing" with him. He's not a thing or situation to deal with; he's a person to relate to and we here don't know him, we can only relate to you! You sound like a very caring person. I would like to see you care for yourself so situations in your life don't hurt you or aren't as difficult. I think some of how you view things may make situations harder for you than they need to be.

No one in this thread ever mentioned that you should have researched schizophrenia, whether now or before. Maybe you're confusing this with another thread? Good luck to you, SakuraLi. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

At certain points of my earlier posts I was actually being sarcastic. And I also attempted to deflect futher criticism in the last post, which evidently didn`t help. The bottom line is we all get frustrated when times are hard. And the fact that I`ve had a negative male in my life from day 1: as a child growing up to adulthood in relationships. I`ve made the choices on how I see the world and particularly how every man has treated me. So the rose colored glasses don`t work for me. Maybe all of you have had great relationships with men and I hope its true. But not everyone has, so women like me don`t always have a fluffy, nice approach. Sometime we get frustrated and even act petty for not being able to just have a peaceful, boring, stable life with a man. I don`t want all the negative crap to be my lot in life so Im taking little steps to change. Changing is not a pretty process to look at or be in the midst of. Making the big dumb mistakes is the only way some people can make progress. It takes work to become graceful at handling problems. Th

SakuraLi

Please don't be angry none of us has had easy lives or perfect partners who are a breeze to live with we just understand mental health issues and know how hard it is when people expect perfection from us when we cannot give it the pressure it places upon us is sometimes spirit breaking

There is no need for sarcasm we were just trying to offer answers to what you posted It seemed that you were being less than gracious with your boyfriend and all we did was to try to make it clear that he would not be responding as a person without Scz would No one deliberately tried to make you feel bad

Hoping that you feel better soon