[AlmendraLife]

I do not understand why, but for some reason love it always ends up terrible for me. It may even start out amazing, exhilarating, but usually always turns into something awful, dismal, or me full of soo much rage I wanna torture, torture, and sometimes even slaughter the person, I even have a tendency to obsessively love someone. I have had so many loves of my lives. So often though love it just turns out wrong for me. Lots of the times a friendship with someone I love is just too much, because I get soo easily hurt in the first place, and it's even worse when I love the person, hence the violent compulsions towards those I've loved who have hurt me. I just wish I could have a more easier friendship with those I love too, which is continuous happiness, and where I get along fine with my love, continually. Well, anyway the question remains why is a friendship with someone whom I love more unstable than a friendship with someone whom I don't love, and why do I get hurt my easier by someone I love?

[wounded1]

You say "love" twelve times (I may have missed one or two) in your post, but not once is it about the most important person - YOU. IMHO, if you truly want any relationship (friend or lover) to work, you have to love (or at least like) yourself first. I didn't know or even like myself until I was 25, and it led me to make more than a few romantic mistakes with "the loves of my life". Then I took a step back, spent a year with just "me", and learned all about who I chose to be in my life and why I chose them to be there. Fifteen years later, all of my relationships are healthy (even the disfunctional ones with my family!), but I know I would be alright without them. I love and like myself, and because of that I have surrounded myself with great people who love me (with all my "warts") too! Cliche as it is, real love begins inside you. Good luck.

[AlmendraLife]

Originally Posted by wounded1

You say "love" twelve times (I may have missed one or two) in your post, but not once is it about the most important person - YOU. IMHO, if you truly want any relationship (friend or lover) to work, you have to love (or at least like) yourself first. I didn't know or even like myself until I was 25, and it led me to make more than a few romantic mistakes with "the loves of my life". Then I took a step back, spent a year with just "me", and learned all about who I chose to be in my life and why I chose them to be there. Fifteen years later, all of my relationships are healthy (even the disfunctional ones with my family!), but I know I would be alright without them. I love and like myself, and because of that I have surrounded myself with great people who love me (with all my "warts") too! Cliche as it is, real love begins inside you. Good luck.

Well, at least for a little while, most of the times a friendship can go by well and actually remain constantly consistent for maybe a couple of weeks or days. The most erratic, craziest friendships I usually ever undergo though involve someone I love. When it's someone I don't love though, it can actually be immensely liable for things to go by stable for a day even if someone's doing something like leaving me, or threatening to leave me, under certain circumstances but can at least get to the point I forget about it for a while to the point we can all just walk the track field holding hands, skipping at the same time. Just not always though. Anyway, thank you very much.

[AlmendraLife]

Originally Posted by wounded1

You say "love" twelve times (I may have missed one or two) in your post, but not once is it about the most important person - YOU. IMHO, if you truly want any relationship (friend or lover) to work, you have to love (or at least like) yourself first. I didn't know or even like myself until I was 25, and it led me to make more than a few romantic mistakes with "the loves of my life". Then I took a step back, spent a year with just "me", and learned all about who I chose to be in my life and why I chose them to be there. Fifteen years later, all of my relationships are healthy (even the disfunctional ones with my family!), but I know I would be alright without them. I love and like myself, and because of that I have surrounded myself with great people who love me (with all my "warts") too! Cliche as it is, real love begins inside you. Good luck.

It seems like no matter what though, I either lose contact with friends or that they're not real friends, or the person ends up leaving me. I mean people whom I thought were my friends, whom I actually got along well with, I now hate so much, I find myself wishing terrible atrocities upon them and even daydreaming of them getting hurt just to relax myself. I mean I understand they can't help when they don't believe me, but they should believe me, so they're not exactly real friends. Not to mention they just get me to tell them everything to play me out. I mean they're clearly so worthless they deserve to be forced sex slaves to the person I told them about that they don't even believe me about and then get terrible STDs, like herpes, crabs and AIDS. I mean they deserve to have to go through The Forgotten Holocaust, and also The Holocaust.

[beggin for help]

I don't know how to help you, but when you find out then let me know. I have the same issues. Wounded1 says she or he took a step back and spent a year with just themselves. I am sure that is good advice, but I don't know how to do that.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by AlmendraLife

I do not understand why, but for some reason love it always ends up terrible for me. It may even start out amazing, exhilarating, but usually always turns into something awful, dismal, or me full of soo much rage I wanna torture, torture, and sometimes even slaughter the person, I even have a tendency to obsessively love someone. I have had so many loves of my lives. So often though love it just turns out wrong for me. Lots of the times a friendship with someone I love is just too much, because I get soo easily hurt in the first place, and it's even worse when I love the person, hence the violent compulsions towards those I've loved who have hurt me. I just wish I could have a more easier friendship with those I love too, which is continuous happiness, and where I get along fine with my love, continually. Well, anyway the question remains why is a friendship with someone whom I love more unstable than a friendship with someone whom I don't love, and why do I get hurt my easier by someone I love?

This sounds so much like our Megan that you could be her, but I know that you are not and Megan sleeps. You carry every hurt from every person who has done you any wrong. If I am not in error there have been immense hurts and there have been smaller hurts and insults which have grown and been added to so that they have grown into a large company of hurts and pains, even the smallest slight has you wishing for them to be drawn and quartered?

Megan screams with the pain this same hurt has caused her and when she is awake there is nothing, nothing that can stop the screams and her desire to lash out and cause someone to at least understand how she feels. But life learning does not work in such a manner and both you and she must learn stillness within before even you yourself can understand what has happened to you and how you may ease and then heal it

But we are here to help Megan and you, and any others who need to have these feelings of peace. It is time to learn about peace, the inner peace that blots out pain, anger and deathly rage; the inner peace that heals as well as brings understanding and a desire for calm at your inner most core

The rage you speak of as with pain can split your mind and tear you asunder, and though this is not always a poor thing, it is something that can complicate your life to the point of withdrawal and in some cases permanent retreat. Do not wish this upon yourself, please

Do you have someone to talk to? Someone who can listen well and is also a physician a doctor or of the same mind? This type of person one who can also afford you medicants to ease the mind and body the very terrible feelings you have, is the best therapy for you and in the long path will help you more than anything else

We are here to support you and hold you up when you are phasing through your worst moments, but the initial choice is yours only and only you can make it. Please reach out and find someone who will listen and feed back to you what they hear and how they hear what you are saying

Take these steps and you will have begun your healing journey

Morgana

[AlmendraLife]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

This sounds so much like our Megan that you could be her, but I know that you are not and Megan sleeps. You carry every hurt from every person who has done you any wrong. If I am not in error there have been immense hurts and there have been smaller hurts and insults which have grown and been added to so that they have grown into a large company of hurts and pains, even the smallest slight has you wishing for them to be drawn and quartered?

Megan screams with the pain this same hurt has caused her and when she is awake there is nothing, nothing that can stop the screams and her desire to lash out and cause someone to at least understand how she feels. But life learning does not work in such a manner and both you and she must learn stillness within before even you yourself can understand what has happened to you and how you may ease and then heal it

But we are here to help Megan and you, and any others who need to have these feelings of peace. It is time to learn about peace, the inner peace that blots out pain, anger and deathly rage; the inner peace that heals as well as brings understanding and a desire for calm at your inner most core

The rage you speak of as with pain can split your mind and tear you asunder, and though this is not always a poor thing, it is something that can complicate your life to the point of withdrawal and in some cases permanent retreat. Do not wish this upon yourself, please

Do you have someone to talk to? Someone who can listen well and is also a physician a doctor or of the same mind? This type of person one who can also afford you medicants to ease the mind and body the very terrible feelings you have, is the best therapy for you and in the long path will help you more than anything else

We are here to support you and hold you up when you are phasing through your worst moments, but the initial choice is yours only and only you can make it. Please reach out and find someone who will listen and feed back to you what they hear and how they hear what you are saying

Take these steps and you will have begun your healing journey

Morgana

Thanks, so much for all the advice. And no I do not have anyone whom has a career in the medical field who can give out meds whom has a mind like me, whom I can currently talk to in response to your question. But, in some ways I don't get what's even the big deal about my compulsions, I mean if I don't get upset I can't actually commit the act. Some of the people though really, really, really, really, really deserve it. I mean who the hell is he to tell me what to say and what not to say, I mean I know what he did and his stupid worthless mother can call the ******* cops on me , for telling others what he did (like he says she will). I mean does that fool honestly think that'll make me listen, I mean if anyone gets in trouble it'll be him. I mean I ain't gonna listen to his stupid remark of "And I have no idea where you got your sick little mental demented imagination from but I advise you stop." I mean I know what he did, and no matter what he says I know what he did. Just thank God he got 9 more days left of suspension, so at least I won't have to see him at school. I mean he can tell whoever what I said he did, I would prefer it if he didn't but it won't stop me from telling others what he did.

[AlmendraLife]

Originally Posted by beggin for help

I don't know how to help you, but when you find out then let me know. I have the same issues. Wounded1 says she or he took a step back and spent a year with just themselves. I am sure that is good advice, but I don't know how to do that.

Well, I wish it would be easier for me to just be more alone. But it's not easy for me to do that.

[AlmendraLife]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

This sounds so much like our Megan that you could be her, but I know that you are not and Megan sleeps. You carry every hurt from every person who has done you any wrong. If I am not in error there have been immense hurts and there have been smaller hurts and insults which have grown and been added to so that they have grown into a large company of hurts and pains, even the smallest slight has you wishing for them to be drawn and quartered?

When I wish someone gets so severely hurt in my mind it isn't a slight like it is to some people. I mean it's the person's fault I want to hurt her, all her fault, for being such an idiot, getting in on my business and when someone does mention something about it call it a lie. Only for so long can I keep my composure, so I said something mean to her, and it "Really hurt her feelings". She deserves much worse than that though. I mean I probably should of told her that when she does become a hooker someday, living in a brothel, and constantly ****ing her stupid friend for money and to make sure they go away forever and to go to a place I'll never go, ever, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. How many times have I tired of hearing his retarded accent with his stupid voice. Whenever I told him to go back though he never listened. If he just listened, he wouldn't get annoyed when I can't understand what he's saying and must ask him to repeat himself over and over again. If he could just be quiet and shut the **** up, I wouldn't have to ask at all. Second of all he's really stupid the more him and his idiot friends manipulate me the more I learn their tricks the more planned hell I have for them. Not to mention the more they try to manipulate me and actually succeed the more I catch onto their tricks, the more difficult it is for them to manipulate me. I mean they create their own problems they complain I harass them through constant attempts at communication but you know what if they weren't such idiots they wouldn't say what they said, and then I wouldn't feel the need to discuss it with them. One of them happens to on my bus and lives in my neigborhood, why not emotionally harm her terribly for my own satisfaction. And she is such a dumb****. I've known many idiots, but she's dumber than many of them. She's such a dumb**** it's nearly unbelieveable. Luckily, though she'll be around a lot to treat terribly. She's such an idiot, I mean I may have just left her alone but no, she has to say outloud, so the whole bus can hear, what I said and then accuses me of lying, when I told her not to tell anyone who I said did it to me, and she still did. I think I may just let her hang out with him though, I mean chances are she'll regret it and end up really crestfallen. It will be so funny though and she deserves it, so why not let her get hurt.