[Fairylover]

I only joined this forum a few days ago, & as I wrote in my introduction letter, I am splitting up with my Husband of many many years because of a behavior problem he has, that I have tolerated because there was no 1 to go to for help, then stayed for the children, then it was something else etc etc tried to get help all along the line but my husband refuses to either attend to admit their is a problem, its everyone else's fault but his, its now dragging me down, but why as before as soon as I told my close relations did some seem to assume that I was nt telling the truth even 2 of my sons who lived through what their Father did, my brother said 7 years ago that he wasn't choosing as he liked my husband..I wasn't asking sides to be taken !! I respect peoples choices in sticking by a couple when they split but Physiclal & Mental violence for nearly 50 years is no joke & taking sides doesn't come into it.Now I am nervous of telling any one I told my Daughter & she is 100% behind me & says that she has seen so much ( she also had an abusive relationship& fully understand how my life has been) But my SIL also last time seemed to think it was ok to stay in that way & live separate lives!! Can any one understand what I am tryng to say?

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello fairylover,

Welcome to pc. I really feel for you in this difficult situation. I would expect family to stand by you not "not choose sides".

You're not alone though fairy. we are here to support you and help you through this very difficult transition stage. You deserve to have some happiness and if that is to be living independently then so be it.

You can be assured that there are many here at pc who have been through the same situation and know what it is like. Please keep posting and keep us up to date with what is happening so that we can support you.

Sending you love and support,

Rhiannon

[Viza]

Sounds to me like there are so many hurt feelings going on.

Divorces are lonely, even if they are good divorces, like you really needed to get out of the situation. Doesn't change the fact that you have lived with someone for so long.

Is it possible you are trying to fill that space with other people, who will "take your side" and be there independently for you?

My suggestion would be to start creating a new social circle that revolves around your new life. Screw this guy, he isn't worth the fight anymore, thats why you are leaving him. Just focus on building up your independence in a more positive way.

Honestly, people can have many different ideas, it isn't really fair to ask others to hate what you hate. Emotions are tricky for everyone, including the people inadvertently affected by your divorce from your husband.

I agree keep us updated!

[salukigirl]

I can't directly understand how you feel but my mom eventually opened up to me a few years ago about her and my dad's marriage. When they split I was 6 and didn't really understand the dynamics of what was going on. I was really mad at my mom for just up and leaving. Of course I didn't understand that she was physically afraid of my dad. And now I commend her for keeping those things away from me to allow me to have a relationship with my dad. Now that I'm 23 she finally opened up a little about it and she had to go through a lot of crap from a lot of people because she hid all those things he did to her.

If you focus on how others are seeing you, you wont be happy. You have to think that you are in a better place now and screw everyone else who can't see that. You can't obsess over how others are viewing your divorce. What matters is that you are out of the violence and into a new chapter of your life. Keep us updated and good luck with everything.

[LookingforCalm]

I honestly think that you have to make that decision when enough is enough, and screw what everyone else thinks. I did that with my ex, and he was verbally abusive.

I got tired of being alone in the marriage. He was a charmer, though, and when I left no one understood why I'd do such a thing. And sadly, people do choose sides. I lost many friends, not to mention that side of the family.

But you have to do what is best for you. If you're that unhappy and that fed up, then it's time to make a change. Life is way too short to be so unhappy...

[trixielou]

oh wow all these posts have really helped me a lot. i was about to let my husband back in our home but i got the strength from God to put on the breaks. im in wv there is a dvp order we are going a few days from now to withdraw it & do a no fault or whatever it is in wv a bunch of bull if u ask me. im getting it from all sides & a few people are getting ready to see a side of me they arent used to seeing (family members) condeming judgemental crap. i have let myself get pushed around for so long by husband & family members & i cant hold it in anymore. i thought 15 years was bad enuff time to move on & have happiness & peace im at the point where i am considering myself not married dont care what some stupid papers court workers throw at me judges "proper procedures" its all such a money racket too they want this & that for this paper & that paper we have come to an agreement the horse has bolted out of the gate & life has moved on let go & let God & everything ll be all rite!

Hello, Fairylover. Doing what is best for you is the important thing. I wish you well.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

What Byz said...