Asexual??

Every relationship I've been in has been short lived and terrible. When I was a kid I was pushed around by my dad so long story short I ran away with my Judo teacher who then touched me and then gave me to some other people who touched me and pushed me around but someone saved me and I found my way back home years later. Because of the constant sex in those times I guess I found I couldn't really live without it. But I hate it. I hate sex. But I'm compelled to do it. I've posted in the sex addicts forum already, because while I never enjoy it something is telling me I have to do it. Like it's not my choice. I know it is, but it doesn't feel like it. So, most of it's sex. If I happen to have a relationship it usually lasts around two to three weeks before the girl decides that I'm an out of control idiot who never loved her. And I can't argue. This whole "love" concept is beyond me. I loved my brother, but he died six years ago of a brain tumor, since then I haven't loved anyone. Even before then, aside from him, I loved no one.

Tell me, is it possible for me to ever fall in love when relationships are practically non-existent for me and sex isn't even fun? Am I asexual or something?!

I have never been in your situation.. I love to easily - so its the opposite really. I fall hard and heavy and get hurt. Sex isn't love.. sex for me is part of the bonding between a couple.. exploring what makes them feel good etc. Its just part of the sharing yourself with another.
Have you been to counselling about the past trauma? Maybe this is something that a professional can help you with.

You could be getting involved with the wrong people, that's why you don't enjoy sex. But the fact that your past includes sexual abuse suggests that there are issues surrounding intimacy that need to be worked out.

I'm sorry you got hurt, Belle. I suppose that's one plus I have for never falling for anybody. It's still lonely sometimes, and sometimes, though I know it's terrible, sometimes I feel like I want to get hurt a little, just a little, to know that my emotions are there at all. And I would talk to a professional but I really don't think I can tell anyone about this except on the internet. I really don't. I'd freak out...

@Soul Quake I guess that makes sense. Thanks. But... how would I go about working out my intimacy issues? Also, I feel like these people that I have sex with or short relationships-- while some of them are that *****-y type, others are actually really nice, wonderful people. It just... doesn't work out. At all. And I'm not happy. I should be, really.

If many of your sexual encounters are casual, or with people you're not serious about, that's likely part of the problem. Consider being in a committed relationship before having sex.

As for working out your issues, a therapist would be your best option. You mentioned being uncomfortable with opening up. The predicament you're currently dealing with sounds uncomfortable. Maybe you should decide what is more taxing - enduring feelings of confusion in regards to your sexuality, and having your past intrude upon how you want to live, or confiding in a professional who is well versed in sexual issues and who has heard it all.

I'll try it out, but what usually happens is that after two-three weeks they'll break up with me because they don't believe I care.

And that makes sense, it really does, but even just saying it aloud alone in my room makes unwanted memories come flooding back. I can't think about it more than necessary. I just can't. I feel like I'll explode if I do. But... at the same time I know you're right. I don't, however, know how I can convince myself to do it. I hate to admit it but it's a frightening thing. I spend most of the time with my band, and I don't know what they would do if they ever found out that I was going to a therapist.

You have made a positive step coming to PC and expressing.. next step possibly will be therapy. It's hard to open up, be vulnerable (which sounds to me like what you are going through when you think about the trauma) but perhaps it is necessary to get you on the track you want to be on
No one needs to know you are seeing a Therapist.. it's a personal decision, one made by a lot of people on here, including me.

Thanks, Belle. That's exactly it. Vulnerability. I felt vulnerable during my entire childhood- escaping through music and fighting, and until I went to college I felt like I was vulnerable to anyone who looked at me. I didn't act like it, but I felt like it. When I was in college I could forget about my old life and pretend to not be vulnerable. I don't know if I can go back to my vulnerability. I guess I understand it's an irrational fear someone would find out, but I can't help myself from having these drastic daydreams that my best friend, the lead singer of the band, would shun me and hate me. I understand going to a therapist would be beneficial, but I don't know how I would open up. I really don't. I would sit there and I would try to say something but nothing would come out. I would fail.

It's fine to be asexual, whatever the history that was or wasn't imposed by others.

Unfortunately the media and most professionals may not see it that way, let alone casual acquaintances.

Stick your neck out and explore what's really right for you.

Hello, Leo The Lion. I expect you have thought about your concerns enough to recognize you may not be able to solve them on your own. If that is the case, you may benefit from professional help.

Wanting to get better is an integral part of therapy. To say you will fail at therapy before even trying it certainly is problematical. My suggestion for you is to think of ways you can achieve a good result in therapy rather than conceding failure beforehand.

You have provided a lot of information about yourself in this thread, information a therapist would find useful. Should you decide to seek professional help, printing your posts for your treatment team I believe would be very helpful.

You might also want to start journal. The journal may allow you to focus on how you are feeling and the concerns that plague you. As part of the journal you also may want to explore what you want from life and what is holding you back.

These links may be of use: http://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/
http://www.wellsphere.com/mental-hea...therapy/782440
How to Choose a Therapist
Distinctions Between Therapists' Degrees

Good luck.

Thank you Sane and TheByzantine! That makes sense. And okay... Thank you for the links I'll check them out. A journal might be a good idea. I'll try that out too.