Burlesque

My boyfriend, Mr. Crazy plays guitar in 2 bands. One of these bands often plays shows that have burlesque dancers also. Burlesque dancing really bothers me as I don't see the difference between that & stripping. I feel that if I want to go see a good music show I don't want to have to be subjected to that also. I personally think burlesque dancing should only be allowed in strip clubs & at private parties, not at regular music venues. Everytime he plays one of these shows it hurts my feelings & we have a big fight over it. He says it is more important to him than me (which really says it all, doesn't it?) & I don't have a way to leave him as I am responsible for 3 kids, one of them is his, and I am trying to get along with him for their sake. How can I get over this? Am I nuts?

I don't think you are nuts. Maybe you can help yourself not "get over" (implies your opinion and feelings are "wrong" and that is never the case) but accept your boyfriend's opinions and feelings as being his and his being "allowed" to have them, as you are to have your own.

I don't know what your thinking is that you allow what other people you do not know are doing to affect how you feel about yourself. Why are your feelings hurt because of what other people unrelated to you and your life do? That sounds a bit controlling on your part, wanting the world to operate according to your rules or likes/dislikes and opinions of what is good or bad, right or wrong.

I think your boyfriend is insensitive in his stating "it" is more important to him that you are, but I can see that his getting jobs and money could be more important to him than your attempted control of his getting such jobs in venues you find immoral or obnoxious but which he and their patrons do not. Sex sells. We all know that. But it is not like you are being forced to either participate or even watch? Think of all the other strong concepts that can be either "good" or "bad" such as money, religion, politics, etc.

Were I you, I would substitute some other concept for "sex"/"burlesque". Think of it as dancing for money or making a living (which is primarily what the women are doing). Not everyone has someone to live with and help financially with taking care of their children. See if you can feel a little sorry for the actual women rather than impersonally about the dancing concept, most of which is created from your own thoughts and imagination rather than any actual basis of participator (both dancers and their watchers) thoughts and feelings at the time.

I often find it easier to be upset about a "concept" such as "burlesque dancing" than to be upset at an actual person I think about and their actual circumstances that make them like myself. It's a known psychological situation to think of why you may cut someone off in traffic, have a good circumstantial excuse (being late, dodging another "crazy" driver, etc.) but when someone we see does it, we immediately blame their personality, not their circumstances instead, thinking of them as mean or rude people when they may be rushing to the hospital with a sick child lying in the back seat for all we know.

So, see if you can stop thinking of "kinds of dancing at regular music venues" and think about the individuals who might be attending and hoping for relief from depression or a fun time with friends, or hoping your boyfriend makes a lot of money or something more "personal" like that?

I heard that Cher will be doing burlesque at her next contract at LasVegas. Imagine a 63 year old woman doing burlesque. I'm not sure who will find that dance sexy besides 63 year old men.

I see your point, and it would make sense, if they were making money. But I know that at least in the band's case, no money is being made & it usually costs them money to play. Maybe the dancers booked to do their thing get some financial benefit, but the bands are lucky to break even & usually don't. I know this because I was in a gigging band myself for three years. And, by the way, I never booked a show where I knew there would be burlesque, because it offends me & it's not the reason I want people to come out and see me play. I want them to come for the music.

Yeah, the girl dancing at the show tonight is none too hot herself, and a lot of the burlesque dancers are really men pretending to be women, too. Ewwww! It's just not my thing & I don't go, but I feel like I'm missing out on the music.

Cher to me is a female version of Sean Connery very sexy and ageless so to me it would be a joy to watch !

I guess I just need to try to concentrate on my kids & my personal activities & try my best to block it all out. As long as Mr. Crazy doesn't talk about the show, I don't have to either. Yesterday I was checking my e-mail & he came up & was reading it over my shoulder. When I told him it made me uncomfortable, like he was not respecting my privacy, or that it feels like he doesn't trust me, he got really angry & started cursing me out, yelling as loud as he could & generally losing control. When this happened, instead of letting him get to me & yelling back, I just took the baby & went out Christmas shopping for a few hours. It worked. We had fun & he was over it when we got back. Maybe if I continue with this kind of avoidance tactic, it will help keep some peace.

Are you worried that he is just watching them and only wants to play there because of the dancers? I'm not sure he is saying that 'it' is more important but, when you think about it, he has to make himself happy first. Would you rather him stop doing something that makes him happy and resent you for it? That would do more harm to the relationship than what he is doing now.

And why would he continue to do something that is costing him money? I just don't see the reasoning behind that unless it truly is something that he is passionate about. I feel that it is a little unreasonable for you to threaten leaving simply because of this.

And from your last post it seems like this isn't the real issue. It sounds like you guys have some serious trust issues. And if you don't trust him when he is doing his job, why would you expect him to trust you? I think avoidance is the opposite of what you two need right now. Obviously trust and communication is a huge issue here and avoiding it will only create tension and resentment. Please think about some kind of counseling whether it be couples or individual. It's obvious that there are some deeper issues here.

It's a seriously toxic relationship. It has a ton of problems. He betrayed my trust big time on Labor Day. The worst ever. This is when he informed me that "it" was more important than me. Then he said would I please go away so he could get some sleep. I know it was immature of me, but I said why should I let him sleep when he just insulted me like that & didn't leave the room. Then he told me that I "didn't deserve to live", that he "would like to slit my throat with his knife", that he "would like to blow my head off with his gun". Then he threw some kind of antique metal thermos at me, I jumped out of the way & he threw it again at the same spot. I said he was out of control & I was calling the police. He said he would leave & go to his 35 acre farm for a while, just please, please, don't call the cops. I said okay. He went outside & called the cops on me & told them that I had threatened him. They came & said they were going to put both of us in jail & take my baby away. Then he told the cops he would leave if they wouldn't do that. He left for the day. I let him in the next day because he was threatening to evict me & I really don't have anywhere to go. If it was just me, yeah, I'd be gone.

I really don't think he watches the dancers & that I don't care if he does. I'm sure he meets them at the afterparties & whatever. Burlesque dancing just bothers me, it always has. I feel degraded that I am with a man who chooses to be in a band that backs that up. Like I am out there doing it myself, which is against my values. A few years ago, it wasn't an issue. Burlesque dancing was not something attached to the music scene like it is now. I would not have been involved with him if it had been when we got together. I support his music & would love to see him be successful with it, but the people coming out to these shows are not coming for the music! How does this help him? It's kind of embarassing. And it's not a job. I wish it were. Then it could be kind of justified. I don't have a problem with him playing shows, staying out all night, or for days, the drinking, smoking, afterparties, etc. The days of him sleeping afterwards. I don't understand why he can't just play shows that don't involve this one thing that really bothers me. That's the way it used to be & that's the way it is in his other band. The one that does all original songs, it's not a cover band, like this one.

And I haven't threatened to leave because of this. As you can see, it's a lot worse & more involved than this issue. Common sense tells me that I shouldn't be here after what happened on Labor Day. Fear tells me that he would destroy me & my kids if I did anything to try to get away from him. I do care about him as the father of my child, and we have some fun together, but I can't love him as my man, or trust him anymore after what happened. I haven't told anyone about it, because I feel so trapped & can't imagine what would really help, except to keep trying to keep the peace & don't forget what he is capable of. Scary for me.

I wish I were in a situation where we could talk, but if I try to talk & be non-accusing about things, he just starts yelling, cursing me out, threatening me, and acting generally acting crazy. He's not interested in working things out, just being a supreme ruler. You know, like "my way or the highway". Maybe someday I'll win the lottery & I can pick the highway!

Thanks for listening, anyway. It sure helps me to write all this out.