Confused

Been awhile since I've posted here. Lot has happened. The ex shows up at my door... unemployed, broke, wanting a place to stay, offering "closure."

Gave him a week, he hung around beyond that.

Gave him $50 and told him buy gas and go somewhere. It would have given him a meal or two and enough gas to get to his folks.

He ended up lying to me and using me. I told him while he was there "no bimbo contact." Sorry... but the woman he was involved with is a mess. Drug felon, internet *****, and still married. I didn't want that woman's influence anywhere around me, and if he wanted closure he had to understand what his relationship to this woman did to destroy our relationship.

I kicked him out Sunday. It was ugly and mean and nasty.

He calls me this morning, "I'm sorry for the other night."

Told him apology accepted and thank you. Asked him to call our girls.

I did not even go to a place in that convo that would indicate to him I would help him again. Why? Because he told me he was "happy." He got to make decisions "for himself now."

He just hung around my place, surfing the internet, eating, and watching TV. Showed more attention and concern for a kitten we have than for me or the kids.

Why in the world did he call? Why do I find it hard to keep myself from getting roped into his drama? This man needs help. I don't know if I have it in me any longer. 48 hours after I kicked him out, I'm still tired and annoyed and wasted. I feel NOTHING...

It's holding me back. I can't exactly explain to anyone I'm dating that "hey, my ex is sleeping on my couch, mooching off of me, and using me... I feel sorry for the bum even after all he's done to me... cheated, lied, possibly involved in drugs." When he was there, I'd come home and get irritated because he would display the same behaviors that got us divorced to begin with... no interest in anyone or anything around him except the computer and TV. No concern for anyone around him. I couldn't help but to slip back into the same negative cycles myself... ignore it until it got to me, try to involve him with what was going on around him, being his "mommy" (which is what I think he wants... doesn't want a wife or a partner), acting in suspicious ways (not saying what he was doing, never direectly answering a question... always having a "hedge" in his response that would give him a way out.)

He got kicked out because I decided over the weekend to go away... I wanted away from that kind of behavior again. In essence, I let him remove me from my own home. I came home Sunday and noticed a cell phone number on my caller ID that belonged to his drug felon girl friend. I told him pack up and leave. He denied the number belonged to her, that he was seeing her while living with me... I didn't buy it. His argument then became "I leave when this is FINISHED." I insisted, this IS FINISHED.

He wanted to control to get what he needed... a computer, food, shelter. I didn't care at that point if he slept under a bridge.

What is going on here? This guy refused to give up that relationship with that woman. He has shown addictive behaviors before. He refused counseling or therapy (I did offer to pay for a session or two for him if he wanted to stay beyond a week.)

I simply do not know what to do from here... I don't want to live in limbo, and I don't want to feel guilty if anything happens to him or if he really and truly wants to fix himself. And I can't be his mommy... and he is going to test me again if I even consider letting him back.

You were more than generous with him. He's made his choices - now if he doesn't like them it is up to him to make a better life. It doesn't sound like he's willing to give you what you need from a husband, and you've already been through it all with him. Enough is enough.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

(((((geekgirl))))) I hope those hugs helps some.

This is just my personal opinion - but I think he was being a jerk and was just using you. I'm glad you kicked him out - you don't need to go backwards, but forwards. As long as he is able to mooch off you, neither of you will ever have closure, or peace.

And both, you and your daughters deserve better. Maybe, if he is forced to do it, he will get help - if not, let him be someone else's problem. I've found that negativity begats negativity.

And - try your best to place it behind you. You've certainly paid your dues. But most importantly I think, is that you owe it your daughters and yourself, to take care of you. As for your ex - perhaps he should start being a man, and take care of himself, and hopefully once that is done - he can help support his daughters.

(((((geekgirl))))) ... More hugs for you sweetie.

Your friend Sam

Anyone can say I love you, but actions speak louder than words.

All...

The hugs are so well appreciated.

He does need to start being a man. He truly is a 16 year old in a 45 year old man's body.

We met tonight. He insisted. So, I insisted on a public restraurant. He wanted money... gave me his digital camera and two watches in return. It's really pathetic to see an adult man in this position.

I told him money was for food and gas only while he decided what he needed to do... find a job, go to Texas to be with his brother.

At this point, I am just tired. He admitted to me tonight he has an anger problem and is a problem avoider, afraid of confrontation.

All I know right now is that this should be it except for some stuff I need to clear up with the house and some financial matters in order to end this divorce and really get on with my life. I'm just unmotivated right now. I need to get out of this slump.

Part of all of this is just my tiredness. As Sam pointed out, negativity begets negativity. That has worn me down... and I need to nuture myself, that is true.

This is a man who is totally confused. Totally angry. I don't need this.

You guys are all too cool... all a bunch of sweethearts!