[LightningStruck]

Hi Guys and Gals,

I just stumbled upon this website through a search engine.

My names Chris, I am 24 years old and have owned my own business for the last two years. I make good money, have a nice home, nice cars, I am regulary told by many women that I am very attractive and I easily pick up several women a week.

Here's my issue and I don't know how to resolve it. I married my High School sweetheart. We met both young and had the immature love/lust. It did finally grow into an adult love and I was 100% in love and fully supported her. End of January she left me for a so-called-friend out of the blue. Claiming she wasn't happy, etc. It crushed me, I felt like I failed as a man, failed as a husband. The woman I thought was going to be the mother of my children had commited adultery, abandoned and deserted me.

I delt with it. Took me a few months to get to the point that I could go out and not get tears in my eyes. For months and months and months all I wanted was for her to come home to me. For once I was willing to be second best to another man.

In the mean time I have been doing my own thing. Every single friend of mine now calls me a "man*****", "player". On average, I sleep with 5-6 girls a month.

Out of all of the women over the last 8 months. I found myself to have feelings for only two. All of the others meant absolutely nothing to me. Both of these two women were head over heals for me. I saw potential in both of them as far as future possibilities. I briefly courted each one and both times I did the same thing.

I pulled away, I broke contact. They don't understand why I did it. Niether do I. I feel like I am scared to be hurt again, scared to be crushed again. As soon as I get comfortable with one, and we start talking. All I would do was clam up and make a quick exit.

Now there's one more problem I have. My soon-to-be Ex-Wife has been calling me and coming over not invited to talk to me. I have gone out with her a few times to see if anything was still there on my end. I will always love her, but she destroyed my trust in her. Without trust there is nothing. She wants to get back with me, says she sorry, says she knows it was wrong. Has tried to get me to sleep with her, which I have been able to back away from even though I shared a drunken kiss with her one night. I went and saw my lawyer and he drafted up the Divorce papers and I took them to her last week. She looked absolutely crushed but she will never understand the pain she caused me.

Lost in my ways, All I want to be able to do is open up to another woman and not run away.

-Chris

[jac]

Welcome Lightningstruck,

I wish I could tell you that you will feel better tomorrow but the truth is--you won't. Sorry to be so blunt but on the positive side, eventually you will get better.

As for your "flings", the only thing I can plead on that is PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!! They are not healthy for you to do-emotionally or physically. They are just a band-aid over your open wound and unless you take of that wound it may leave a scar. Rely on friend and family to help you through the lonely times. I have been through a divorce and trust me family is awesome to boost your confidence. You are more than welcome to rely on all of us as your online friends. Everyone here is so caring and wonderful, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say if you need us we will be here.

I hope I helped a little bit. Just remember you are not alone in this.

{{{{lightningStruck}}}}

[geekgirl]

LightningStruck...

Welcome. I'm only here now and again. But, I relate to your story somewhat. I'm recently divorced after nearly 25 years. My ex was a playa at the end.

Are you afraid of being emotionally involved witho someone now? Take your time. You want something very special, it will happen in the right time. You seem to be afraid to let go of your past maybe... afraid to become attached to someone again.

Your ex may be truly sorry. It takes time to reestablish trust and to look through the issues that caused her infidelity.

[ltlredvett]

Lightening...

You are establishing a very dangerous pattern that may be very difficult to break.

Personally I had a woman leave me (and cleaned out my bank accounts as well). I jumped into another relationship too quickly. And, during this relationship I had a few flings of sorts. No emotional bond at all, just physical release. I did that to escape the hell that was my life as a result of the fall out of this woman leaving me.

At any rate I didn't take the time to heal emotionally and I wound up not being a better person as a result. My rebound relationship was ruined because of my indiscresions. And, teh worse part about it is this "rebound relatioship" was with someone that was the best friend I ever had. Someone that I could of built a long, lasting love together with. Someone that I could of built a life with. And now that is gone.

And since it has been gone I have been furhter slipping into an abyss. More and more depressed, More and more suicidal.

Do yourself a favor and take a step back. Spend time alone. Learn who you are, what you want, what your goals are... learn the type of person you want to be with forever. Resist getting back with your ex for a while, but tell her how you feel. If it was meant to be forever she will wait for you.

[LightningStruck]

Thanks for your replies.

My Ex came back to late for me to want to be with her anymore. She hurt me more than anybody in this world has and that can forgiven over time, but can never be forgotten. I love her still, but everything about her turns me off now as far as a person.

I know the kind of person I want to be with the rest of my life. The two women I mentioned above were those types. Sex with them actually had some feeling behind it. Our cuddling on the couch, walking holding hands put me in awesome moods. Felt like the king of the world again with each one. Which is why I don't know why I keep pulling away. One instant I could picture a longterm thing with either of them and be happy. And then the next I'm no longer answering the phone calls/emails.

I think it boils down to myself not wanting to be hurt again. Of course I know there is only one way to find out and that is by trying.

I also find trusting to be a hard issue with me now.
Perhaps I just need some more time.

[Sam]

Hi Chris and welcome. I think you will find a wonderful group of people here that can and will lend you thoughts and a comforting shoulder to lean on.

I'd like to say I pretty much agree with everyone for the most part. You've been bitten by a very mean monster and that wound will take a lot of time and thought before it heals.

I was a victim of this same thing, except my wife (now ex - THANK GOD) cheated on me with women as well as men. Talk about degrading! So I know those emotions you are feeling. And while for the most part still cling to my earliest convictions concerning my ex-wife, have also seen there was more to the story than just her affairs.

And so I am going to come from a different angle. I've found that people rarley change overnight if at all. Sure, I guess it could happen and there are always exceptions to every rule - but it seldom if ever happens.

I don't know much about your relationship with your wife, and that is something that you would know better than anyone else, so at this time, it is very important for you to think these things through.

A relationship always takes two people. Let me ask you, and please - don't think I am picking on you because I'm not. I'm just trying to get you to look at the overall picture - something I wasn't able to do until a lot of time had past. What was your relationship with your wife like? I mean - did you make her the center of your life? Did she know by verbal communication and physical communication how much you loved her? And most importantly now maybe - Could you have been a better husband, lover and friend to her?

The reason I'm asking is simple - sure she made a mistake - a really BIG mistake, but here's the deal - is it really all her fault? People are a fragile creature at best - full of emotions and fears and hopes and dreams. Sometimes in a busy everyday life - people can be overcome with insecurities and even react stupidly in certain situations - meaning they do really crazy and silly things when later, they might not have.

So - I would advise you - if you truely loved this woman, and she loved you, to see if you can't work thru things while you can. On the otherhand - IF you honesty answered my question yes - I've been a great husband and that lying two time Witch still cheated on me - then by all means go ahead with your divorce and put as much distance between you and her as fast as you can.

I know it is easy to get caught up in the hurt - the pain and make decisions on how we feel at that time. The important thing is to step back and look at the overall picture of before and present.

An d if you do this - you need time to deal with what has happened. I have to admit that while dating other women at this time may help to occupy your mind, desires and time - it will not mean you are in anyway ready to move forward with any kind of a serious relationship. I would think - any relationship you would have would be more of a rebound relationship and they never turn out like one would think.

I hope I have not offended you. It was not my purpose or intent, but rather, a hope I could get you to see it from the other side, mainly because, a marriage is two people working together thru good AND bad times - and I would hate to see you walk away from somthing so easily that you may later wish you had kept. I've found divorces are usually ugly and often permanent.

You have my best wishes.

Your friend Sam

Anyone can say I love you, but actions speak louder than words.