permission to seek love?

It seems absurd to be requesting external validation from the PC community for wanting an intimate love relationship. Isn't everyone deserving of love and deserving of a partner to walk through life with? Yet, I deny myself this. I haven't dated in over 10 years, and the relationships I've had lasted no more than a few years, usually much less, with long dry spells in between. I've never been married, and I feel shame about that. It wasn't a conscious choice, more the result of depression, anxiety, and poor self-esteem. Being on disability for the past 6 years, no longer a professional, and struggling financially, I feel that a man of quality, who functions reasonably well in the world, would not be interested in me. I imagine that he'd fear I'd be needy and dependent. I'm also now middle aged.

Meeting the right one didn't happen naturally, and so I'm contemplating online dating. Tried briefly before, unsuccessfully, but other options are limited.

There's also a catch-22 in all of this. I know that I need to love myself first, not seek an external source to fill a void. At the same time, a healthy, respectful relationship (the only kind I want) could provide a sense of security, pleasure of companionship, and (maybe) concrete help with tasks that I bear alone currently.

Maybe these hopes for what a relationship might provide are unrealistic. Maybe I am mostly wanting a "help-mate", relief from the grinding responsibilities I face all alone. I don't know. It's hard to sort it out. I do know that people with problems do find loving mates. I want to believe that I deserve love too. I may not find it, but at least placing myself in situations where I might meet someone would be preferable to continuing the isolation, loneliness, and feeling undeserving, and punished by the Universe through a life sentence of solitude. Any thoughts on these issues would be deeply appreciated. And I hope I'm not posting too many new threads. That's just me trying to transform every aspect of my life all at once, right now!

Dear ((((((((lavie)))))))) What you say above is SO true. Yes, YOU DO deserve love! And yes, in an ideal world, it would be desirable for us to love ourselves before we enter into a love relationship with someone else. But this isn't an ideal world and, as you say here, many, many people with psychological problems, self esteem problems, and a whole host of other problems, can and do find love.

I didn't get married until relatively late in life (I was 37). And I was single for a long time before I met my now husband. I had a ton of insecurity and self-esteem issues, and I still do. I remember thinking that marriage would change all that. For a long time I LONGED to be married. And it was quite a let down when I realized a year or so into the marriage that my husband couldn't "make me whole". Nobody can. Except perhaps me.

I still have a lot of unresolved emotional/mood issues and it has effected my marriage in some ways. But it hasn't prevented the marriage from being possible. My husband means the world to me, and yet, he can't "fix" me. (Not that I'm suggesting you are expecting anyone to "fix" you!! Just, on some level, I think I was expecting that. Or at least, I was expecting that marriage would be the "missing link" in my life).

Anyhow, I guess I'm just trying to make the point that people with all kinds of issues do get married. And a lot of people marry later in life. I think your plan of trying to get out and about and in situations where you might meet someone is a really good one. YOU SO DESERVE LOVE!!!! (((((((((lavie))))))))))

(((((Sundog))))) How is it that you always find me and my distress calls in the threads? You amaze me. It's like you wear some great robe that sweeps over the threads, gathering up all the hurting people in your robe. Thanks for your reply. I'm so very hung up about being 55 years old, and still hoping to be married, and hung up about what someone on disability could possibly "bring to the table".

There are people out there who love their flawed imperfect partners. They may have their own flaws in different places and together can compensate. It's so hard for me to believe that there is, out there, a single, compassionate, loving man for me, too. That the good, kind ones aren't all "taken", and that at age 55, it isn't too late. I want to change those negative attitudes. I always expect rejection from a man who does not have my kind of problems. And I definitely have that same expectation you mentioned, i.e., that a husband would make all things right in my world, even while I know that it's unrealistic. Well, there should always be hope. I would like to cultivate it.

Go for it! My T didn't want me looking for love - same as you, I have to love me before hand... but it gets lonely and facing a world set up for couples is hard.

If you find the right one, hold on and go for the ride. wish I could find the right one Am online dating and there are ups and downs.. usually the ones I don't like are the ones that are super keen

Thanks Belle1979. "same as you, I have to love me before hand... but it gets lonely and facing a world set up for couples is hard".

Yes! It's taking a very long time to love me first, and meanwhile it IS lonely, especially being in a couple-oriented society.

"...wish I could find the right one Am online dating and there are ups and downs.. usually the ones I don't like are the ones that are super keen "

In my 20's and 30's, I'd meet "nice guys", who, in my immaturity and egotism, seemed boring. The exciting ones, also egotistic, didn't stick around. Sure wish I'd find one of those nice guys now. Good luck to you.

Hi,

I've been married twice, both times to men who were damaging to me and made my insecurities 10 times worse. Now I've been single for several years and am just starting to think, yeah, maybe I would like to be in a relationship again. The difference is knowing much more clearly what's good for me and what isn't. For a while all I knew was that I was "no good" at choosing men. I was going for the pizazz with #1 and the familiar with #2 (not realizing that in my case familiar was totally dysfunctional). Now... maybe there's a guy out there who is secure enough in himself to actually love me. Here's hoping we all find what we need... and as for what any of us brings to the table, what about love, intelligence, humor...? I am definitely not bringing money or housekeeping skills, so my man, if he's out there, is just going to have to love me for myself. And wouldn't that be nice for a change!

Thanks Marie for your comments. Wow. What a concept - a relationship based on love and respect, rather than a business transaction, a tally sheet. I so want to trust men enough to believe it, believe that there are men out there with loving hearts, who would overlook my problems. I have a lot of doubt and fear, but I want to move forward.

Hi Lavieenrose, those guys are out there... I've seen a few! My daughters are incredibly blessed, both with truly good men who suit them and love them well. Gives me pangs and hope at the same time. Meanwhile, here's a hug for us!