When I ask for something to be done around the house--any chore I cannot do all by myself--days or weeks pass before it is actually done. It's a guarantee I will have to ask again at least twice. I can never, and I do mean never, ask for something once, and get it. Sometimes I even have to lose my temper first before I can expect to receive what I asked for.

As a specific example, we have an antique desk in our hallway. It normally resides in the living room, but we moved it to make room for the Christmas tree. After the tree came down, I asked my husband to help me move it back. He gave me a "later" kind of answer. It's been about three weeks since then, and the desk is still in the hallway.

If I remind, I usually get, "I forgot about it." That seems to be the excuse of choice. Are my requests so unimportant?

[Leed]

This always used to make me mad too with my requests. My ex ALWAYS disrespected me that way, and in many other ways. I finally just asked him "Why do you treat me as a non-important employee around here?" And of course he didn't have a "clue" what I was talking about. Uh huh. So I had to explain it to him, like a little kid. This, of course, was immediately after I'd asked him to do something for me, and which he replied "Later."

Well, after he had it explained to him, he got right up and did the thing I asked -- THAT time. But it didn't last. It was right back to the same old thing the next time.

I don't know about your husband, but my ex was a card-carrying anti-womens' lib - and he was proud of it. He was a male chauvenist PIG and he'd tell you so. There was no changing him - trouble is, he was NOT like this when we were going together, so I got cheated.

Best of luck ~ I wish I knew what to tell you, but you're not alone. Hugs, Lee

[RomanSunburn]

If this is the only way that you feel that you are being disrespected, then I would try not to take it too personally. If, on the other hand, there are many other ways you feel that he is disrespecting you (Doesn't listen, interrupts, demands things, overall just plain rude) then I would re-evaluate why you are with thisi person. But again, like I said, if this is the only problem you are having, perhaps try to see it from his perspective. My fiance, whom I love dearly, can't remember anything to save his life. It is nothing personal, he simply can't remember. The number of times I ask him to do something really has nothing to do with him respecting me or not. I can understand not wanting to do something right away if you're in the middle of something or about to start something, and then simply forgetting about what was asked of you when you finished what you were already doing. My fiance is also extremely stressed about work, so that's constantly on his mind which doesn't leave much room for anything else. Just try to keep in mind, that perhaps he really, truly does forget, and needs extra reminding -- don't take it personally unless he treats you poorly in other aspects of your life as well.

Perhaps you two could try to set aside a day of the week when the two of you take care of the things you need to do together. Make a list, keep it on the fridge, and then when, say, Saturday at 3 pm rolls around, the two of you stop what you're doing and work on the list.

Good luck! You're not alone in this frustration, I promise!

What gets me is, the technique that worked for my grandmother doesn't work for me. If she asked for help, and didn't get it in a reasonable amount of time, she didn't ask twice. She'd just do it herself. The other person would feel bad. "I didn't mean for her to do it herself. Next time she asks for help, I'll remember to move faster." But when I try the same thing, the other person reasons, "Next time she asks for help, I'll remember to put her off until she does it herself, and I won't have to." It isn't just my husband. It's a common pattern for me in dealing with anyone, any time I have a need. If I ask once, I'm ignored. If I ask twice, I'm accused of nagging. If I blow up, I'm a psycho bi... uh, lady, but at least I get results.

My therapist says it's not a matter of being disrespected, but I just don't see how it isn't. We ended up seeing him this afternoon. He had a cancellation, and any time I'm angry, my husband automatically assumes I'm having a breakdown and need professional help. It can't be that I have reason to be angry, oh no, it must be my mental illness. Hubby won't listen to anything I have to say unless there is a mental health professional in the room. To me, the automatic "it must be a symptom of your illness, not anything I did" anytime I'm upset is also disrespect. It's getting to be a typical scenario. He ignores me, refuses to listen to me until I'm at the end of my rope, and then when I finally lose my temper, he tells me I'm acting crazy and need to see my therapist.

My husband has no memory or cognitive issues, so I don't take "I forgot" as an acceptable reason to wait weeks before doing something I asked. What "I forgot" means to me is, "It mattered so little that I let it go in one ear and out the other." My therapist (a man, by the way) pointed out to my husband that if his *employer* asked him to do something, he's not going to wait to be asked twice, let alone put it off for weeks. Why? Because it's important. His job matters to him. So yes, blowing off what I ask him to do can send the signal, "I don't give two hoots."

He suggested making up a house cleaning schedule, who's going to do what and when, since there are certain chores I simply cannot do. We'll try that, but I don't have a lot of confidence in it. Because we are of two different comfort levels about the appearance of the house. My husband would say, and I'm sure many people would agree with him, that right now the house is "not that bad." Well, I'm sick and tired of settling for "not that bad." I want sparkling, shining, and beautiful. I want organized, dusted, polished, scrubbed... and I want it to stay that way. I am physically incapable of making it that way all by myself, but it seems nobody else cares enough about it to help me.

[Soul Quake]

What a jerk. Have you sat down with your husband and let him know you feel disrespected? This therapist doesn't sound very validating.

Hmm, SQ, thinking you might have misread. I have a very good therapist, and he was on my side. What he said to my husband was that if his employer told him something needed to be done, he wouldn't just shrug it off. He'd do it, because it's important. Well, what I want is important too. It really bothers me to see cluttered surfaces, or to have to dig through a drawer to find something. I like to have a place for everything, and everything in its place, or my mind doesn't function well and I get overwhelmed. Unfortunately, with physical disabilities I am incapable of cleaning the house up to my own standards. It would mean a lot to me if I had willing help, but I don't. When I ask for help, I get put off.

Hubby also said I should remind him if he forgets, and T asked, "Then at what point does it become your responsibility to remember?" Exactly. Why *should* I have to ask twice?

[Perna]

My T, when I complained to her about my husband (when he was just my boyfriend) not doing chores he had agreed to do replied, "How long did his mother have him? And how long have you known him?" I use that to remember that he was raised a male in a wholly different sort of family from mine; his life experiences are really different from mine and he doesn't know how to be helpful in the same way as I do because he didn't have my stepmother to teach him :-)

I love my husband and if he did nothing at all around the house, the only difference in my life from being single would be that I had this man I loved around as a companion? What do your pets do for you? Do you feel disrespected by them? (Don't answer that if you have cats! :-)

I get my husband to help on the "big"/joint jobs by being at the job with intent and asking him to help me. I don't tell him to help me or tell him what needs doing, I say, "Would you help me change the bed now, please?" as I'm going up to our bedroom.

I try to make sure he's not in the middle of doing something else and he tells me if he is and, if he is, I don't judge what it is that he is doing as being less important than what I want to do! Just because he's in the middle of a video game, that's what he has chosen to do and my scheduling of changing the bed does not preempt that if he says "not this minute".

I persist too; it's something I want so I am responsible for getting it done. I ask more than once or I ask, "When will you be free to help me?" and don't take "later" as an answer or inform him, "I'll ask you again in ten minutes."

It's not a crime not to want to do a chore. There are a whole lot of chores I don't want to do (anyone for cleaning the bathroom?) so why shouldn't there be chores, especially chores someone else wants done at a particular time, that another person would try to get out of? It's about individual choice and I find it an opportunity to learn and practice good communication skills and better understand myself and my husband and how to live and love well together. We're a good team.

Think about what your husband asks you to do? Not what you assume he wants you to do, but what he literally asks of you? A lot of what I use to think are his/her or joint chores I've come to understand are things I've only arranged that way in my head. There is no supposed to, when it comes to living together with someone anymore than there is a correct way to put toilet paper on the roll! Just because I was taught the "correct" way to load a dishwasher in seventh grade home economics class does not make it literally, correct. One can load the dishwasher anyway one chooses, it's my dishwasher, my dishes! But it is hard to give up how my stepmother decreed was the correct way to be a wife, mother, and run a household? But, now that I'm grown, I can do it any way I wish and, how I do it is literally how I wish, no matter how I do it. Other people aren't in charge of making me happy!

I can want my husband to read my mind and jump up to help me do something I want done without my asking, or, better yet, to think of it, himself, first, but, I kind of don't think that's going to happen anytime soon? I think in terms of "I want" and who is responsible for getting that want. I. That I am so "advanced" in my thinking and take care of myself and my poor husband is not so enlightened about his own choices, that's his problem. I'm glad I was born a girl and have to unlearn bad thought habits instead of being a guy and have to learn good action (helping) habits. Not as easy/fun to learn to do things you don't naturally want to do as it is to learn to think from a different perspective.

The answers have all been helpful. What I have trouble with is the whole, "three weeks before it gets done" thing. Not right that moment, later that day, or even the next day, I understand. But three weeks? And the typical "I forgot," which means to me exactly what I already said it means. You don't "forget" things that matter. And if a thing matters only to one person, not to the other, then it still matters.

He doesn't give a fig how the furniture is arranged. Walking around a desk taking up space in the hallway is only a momentary inconvenience. He spends more waking hours at his job than he does at home, and that's the center of his life. To him, a house is only a place to store possessions, eat meals, watch TV, and sleep. I stay home, and I'm the one stuck looking at everything. So I'm the one who cares what it looks like. He feels that as long as there is no health hazard involved, merely "functional" would suffice. I'm trying to create beauty. But the big frustration is that I absolutely cannot do it by myself. I can try, but after taking only so much, my body will quit. If I push too hard, I'll end up bedridden.

So I ask for help. And don't get any? That's why I wonder, how is it not a matter of being disrespected?

Well... an answer occurred to me. It could be that, since the house looks fine to him, he doesn't understand that it's not fine to me. He is one of those who thinks, as long as something is in a drawer, on a shelf, or behind a cabinet door, it's put away, regardless of which drawer, shelf, or cabinet, or even if it's the same one every time. As long as the carpet doesn't have piles of cat vomit on it, hair and fluff and lint and dust isn't any big problem. If he has clean uniforms to wear, the trash isn't attracting vermin, the litter boxes are clean enough so that the cats are willing to use them, and there are no dishes in the sink, the house is up to his standards. So he doesn't see what I'm complaining about. If he did as my first husband did--expected me to keep the house starchy clean while he himself reserved the right to be as messy as he wanted to be--told me it's my job to pick up his socks because "that's what a wife is for"--now THAT would be disrespect.

Originally Posted by Perna

What do your pets do for you? Do you feel disrespected by them? (Don't answer that if you have cats! :-)

Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. (One for each of them.)

[RomanSunburn]

I know this might not be a feasible solution to your problem, but you say that you want your house up to standards that you cannot do yourself and that your husband cannot see/understand. (I really appreciated you replying and mentioning that your husband sees things as fine already so he probably CAN'T see what else you want done; I think that is very insightful, and probably very true for a lot of things in our everyday lives). Perhaps the two of you could hire someone to help clean your house so that you do not have to push to your limits to get what you want. I realize this might not be doable, but I wonder if it would help ease a lot of stress in your household. Only having someone come in once a week or even every other week could make a huge difference both in your home and on your mind so you don't feel overwhelmed.

I'm sorry that your husband has a way of invalidating your feelings because he sees it as a symptom of your mental illness -- my parents used to do that to me when I was in high school (right after I was diagnosed with depression and GAD). It's infuriating, to say the very least. I'm also glad that you have a therapist standing in your corner helping you out.

I haven't been very patient, I'm afraid.

We have agreed that the vacuuming, which I cannot do all by myself, should be done every Saturday. That was yesterday, and hubby spent a good chunk of the day napping on the couch. In his way of thinking, 11:30 PM still qualifies as "Saturday," so what's the problem? I, on the other hand, want to see it done ASAP because I don't like looking at dirty carpets. I'm for doing it first thing. Get it out of the way and spend the rest of the day stress-free, with the job behind you. Organization expert Sandra Felton calls this "goal-orientation" versus "task-orientation." I have a goal in mind, specifically a clean carpet, and I want it met. My husband is only thinking of the task, and the only reason to do it is to scratch it off the list.

I yelled at him. Bad form on me.

But I stopped. When it turned out that the beater brush needed cleaning immediately, we both sat down side by side and did it. The spirit of cooperation did a lot to diffuse hostilities. We finished both that and the laundry, which is also scheduled for Saturday. Here's hoping next week goes a little more smoothly.

We cannot at this time afford to hire help. But one idea we have come up with is to get a manual carpet sweeper that I can manage to use in the meantime, so that by the time Saturday comes around, the carpet won't be SO dirty it's going to drive me nuts. This one only costs about thirty bucks, and it's high-end.

[XpcX]

I kinda have the same problem with my boyfriend.

For example, yesterday we agreed that i did the laundry and he would do the dishes in the sink. However, he spent the afternoon chilling on the couch watching movies with me and the evening hanging out with his friend. After his friend left, it was almost midnight, and he finally remembered to do the dishes after my reminding him.

And today, i asked him to help me clean the bathroom because tomorrow his parents will come staying with us. He finally got moving after spending 4 hours on some computer game.

I don't feel disrespected though. I'm the kind of person that would like to get things moving when i want something to be done. Because i'm well aware of this, i always try not to be intense on my boyfriend, i always wait for him to get moving himself instead of getting on his case all the time. Despite how much time and patience i have for him, he just WON'T get moving himself! This makes me really angry sometime. Especially when he reads his books or play Xbox, the male single mind just won't take any extra in. Well, even it takes hours, even days, he can still get it done, which is alright.

[FrenzyRose]

I also have difficulty making my sister, younger sister in particular follow what I request.. It seems unimportant for her, but that doesn't mean I am disrespected.. Although it is disappointing but the least I would do is to feel bitter or got angry.
It is important that the two of you talk about things inside the house and make each other feel valued and trusted not only by character but through initiating this and that.. You're not in a one way kind of relationship now.. It's a give and take rel..
Roman Sunburn mentioned a helper, I guess that might be a nice idea. But it doesn't fully solve the prob..

It's a conflicting level of needs, I think. I'm the one who usually stays home and therefore has to look at the house. So I'm trying to create something beautiful to look at. Whereas to hubby, merely functional and structurally sound is sufficient. Because he is satisfied with the way things are, he is not quick to move when I ask. And that is what makes me feel disrespected--I'm NOT satisfied with the way things are, but what I feel doesn't matter to him enough to get him moving.