[twodog74]

My wife had a mental affair with a guy from her class. I found a poem she wrote about him a few months ago. in the poem were lines like "longing for new" "the feel of his kiss on my neck" and ended with " I'm trapped in this torrid mental affair". The poem was named DC. When I confronted her with what I found her first reaction was to laugh it off. Oh nothing happened between us it was all just in my mind. After she saw that it meant a little more to me that that she began to cry and say she was sorry. I would like to also say that she has been on a few different medications for Anxiety the last few years. After a few days of pain and anger i was starting to feel that I could start to forgive her for the sake of out two small children. This went on for a few weeks and things were getting better until I went out of town for 2 weeks for work. When I returned I found almost 20 Internet searches of a guy with the initials of DC. He is a artist and writer in our city so there was alot of hits on his name. She looked at them all, pictures, blogs and his twitter page. I confronted her again with what i found. Her response was " we worked together on a few projects and i was just looking to see what he was up to. This was 4 days before christmas so again i decided to forgive her and work on trying to save out marriage. It was good for a few weeks but there have been a few fights about how I'm overcritical of her and untrusting of her. We currently are not talking to each other. I know I'm not a easy person to get along with. I do not like to yell, or fight so I just walk away for her when I can. She however is not like that. She likes to yell at the drop of a hat. I dint really know why I'm doing this other than I have nowhere else to go. My best friend is married to her best friend so I don't feel like I can talk to him because he will talk to his wife about it. I need some help

[Perna]

I would leave your wife's fantasies and thoughts alone. Everyone has them. It's not like she actually is contacting the guy and going to see him. Many people has role models and sexual "heartthrobs".

I would ask ask her for the poem and then ask her what you would need to do to make her feel like that ("new") and/or give her kisses on her neck, etc. Focus on what you know she likes (instead of what you dislike?) and try to give it to her. Pulling away and being upset with her will not make you all closer?

There's a nice little tale I like about a Roman boy learning weapons training from an old soldier and complaining that his sword was too short and the weapons master replied to him, "Then step closer to the foe!"

[twodog74]

Its not like she is contacting this guy. How do I know? My feeling is the action of her looking at his twitter page is action enough for me to be suspicious. How do i know she doesn't have a account somewhere in some name and is still talking to this guy. When I ask her she gets defensive and mad. Her searching this guy was done on my daughters account and the history was cleared. Or so she thought. I'm the administrator of the computer so when I look at the system history that is where it was. She took the time to try to delete it so to me that shows at least she knew what she was doing was wrong. Plus she promised me she would have no communication with this guy after the first time I caught her.

[twodog74]

I thank you for you advise but I dont see it the same as you. After the first time i confronted her with this she told me Yes I wanted to have an affair with him. I thought about it many times, But I didn't. This is why I forgave her and started the healing process. She also promised me she would have no more contact with him what so ever. Imagine how i felt when i saw over 20 searches of him including his twitter acct. Now to me this shouts loudly "I'm not threw with him or my feelings for him". I am not an innocent man by any means. I like most men have lust in me, buts its for a quite bartender or what have you. Not someone I see 3-4 times a week over the course of a year. In my mind it is different. Maybe I wrong but I just cant shake it.

[twodog74]

Thank you for you advice. I see it differently. After the first time I confronted her with the poem she told me she was thinking of having an affair with this guy. but she didn't. So I forgave her and started the healing process. She also promised that she would never see or talk to this person again because he graduated and would be in any of her classes again. So just imagine how I felt when I find 20 searches of this guy including his twitter page not 4 weeks later. I don't monitor everything she does, i don't know if she has a twitter acct. To me it screams "I'm not done with my feelings for this person". We have discussed this many times over the last few weeks and I have told her how hurt I was that she went back and opened this up again. In my mind she cheated on me. Was there physical cheating, I don't know. Now after just a few weeks again its is being swept under the carpet and I'm just supposed to be all hunky dory with it. I'm not and I have told her that. This has driven a wedge between us. I probably am picking more fights with her, to get her to show at least a little emotion. Maybe to initiate some kind of dialogue between us but it always turns into me being "too critical or beating her up". As I said I'm not a yeller I don't believe our kids should hear her screaming at me like the way she is. I would prefer a calm talk over some wine to air our thoughts but she is blocking that because she gets all defensive and turns it back on me.

i'm really sorry this has happened. i'd certainly be upset if i were in your shoes and don't think it's something to lightly dismiss. have you and your wife considered marriage counseling? maybe that would be a safer place to try to work this out.

[Lao Tze]

Yes everyone has fantasies, but what makes this a more serious one, is that your wife has contact 3 to 4 times a year. The fact that she has denied it, then admitted it, then gone back to search the guy out on the internet and intentionally erase the history, makes it serious. Thoughts can become words, words can become action, if the thought is not pursued, it's less likely to happen.

You make a valid point about lust, both men and women have it, but once emotional involvement comes into play, which has a stronger potential of occurring in your wife's case, if it hasn't already. Is normally detrimental to a marriage.

My advice is to seek out a Marriage Counselor, alone first and see what advice s/he can give in order to bring your wife to the session.

Probably both you of will have to sit down to have a serious talk, about going to therapy, convey it as an intent to improve the marriage, that there are faults that you have (twodog74) and that you need a counselor to improve. (Before you say or do this, check with your counselor first).

And Good Luck

[jenkins09]

I totally disagree with Perna. What your wife did, and based upon your posts is having an emotional affair. This is just as damaging as a full blown physical affair, maybe worse. My wife had an emotional affair with a man for 6 months? maybe longer. It was the most hurtful thing I have experienced in my life, next to my dad committing suicide.

We separated for a year and are trying to recover our marriage, but its rough. I honestly dont know if I can stay with her. Ask your wife about this, seek counseling, but dont minimize it. I wish you well.

[salukigirl]

Personally, emotional affairs are 10 times worse than a physical affair to me. I'm sorry she did this to you. Have you asked her for counseling? Has she even given you a definite reason as to why she is so interested in this man? I understand having crushes every now and then while in a relationship. I have had little crushes before but never to that extent. She almost sounds a little obsessed with him. Like this has passed a simple crush or even emotional affair. I hope you can figure out whether you want to stay and work it out or not. This is a lot of hurt to overcome and, hopefully, she is willing to do the work needed to fix it.

[purple_fins]

I'm sorry your relationship is going through such a rough time.
if you both are agreeable to it-- I think couples therapy could perhaps help.

I think ANY kind of affair can be equally painful-- I don't think emotional or physical is more or less hurtful than the other.
either way it is-- a person going outside their current relationship to seek and get that which they crave/want-- without/or little regard to their partners feelings.

best to you

fins

[goldenwings]

I can totally relate. I have a similar issue with my husband. I cannot trust him like I feel I should be able to. I am convinced he has been having an emotional/possibly physical affair with a women he works with. Unfortunately, she is his "boss" at work, and confrontation with her could put his job at risk. I have repeatedly expressed my concerns and disappointment regarding their "friendship", but he denies any real affair, emotional or otherwise. I have gone to conseling - he hasn't. He is VERY defensive of her, and after 20+ years, I am ready to simply give up. This hurts me to the core, as he defends her to the end. I feel as though I am the one causing problems, he even said he respected her more than me - his wife! Not sure just what advise to give you, but there sure are alot of red flags here....seek help for yourself, we can't help our children if we ourselves are a wreak. I am still wondering what the heck I should do myself, I feel very betrayed, very alone and very used. Not loved or cherished as a wife should feel, but rather more like just a pain in his life. I feel helpless, and my love and respect for him has diminished greatly over the years, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, what a waste of 20 some years for me....

It reminds me of when someone has a miscarriage and people say oh well it wasnt a real baby ! Same type of thing people saying well at least it wasnt a real affair !

Yes it was as they are both betrayal and can kill a relationship dead.

I wish you well and hope you two can both fight through this ....