Married Men, how to tell if they're hitting on you?

your welcome. i was referring to what you've mentioned already about having trouble knowing if what is being said or done is appropriate or not and having a hard time responding in the moment. i know for myself i may know when someone says something that is off-base but i tend to freeze up and can't find my voice to respond. i think you are doing great though by posting here and getting suggestions on how to handle uncomfortable situations. you seem quite self-aware as well and respond to others here with tact and kindness. i think with time and practice you'll be able to navigate these situations just fine. with that i am going to bow out of this thread. break a leg, girl.

From my experience - stay away from him. He is looking for control.

He has no right to ask you about your past. Its so personal. He is trying to seem like the good man who would rescue you when in fact he is looking for his own gratification. You do not need his assistance. You can do it!

Its funny you said that Tatyana because at times when I did feel weird, I'd tell myself, well He is nice, if hes saying that something happened in the past that made me this way, maybe he would understand if i opened up to him.. but then there was the thought that he's married and I can't really open up to a married person! and later on, as time passed, i felt it was just part of his game and he was trying to manipulate me and once i'd open up, he'd act as my savior. but then theres the past that you think about and think, am i being paranoid? is this stemming from my past? and then, the confusion follows.

thanks!

Hi Distressed !

You asked about how to decide if a guy wants to be friends versus get into you pants...

The really, really short version of my answer is: Practice active listening, be mindful, and non-aggressively challenge anything that trips a red flag in your mind.
If you would like a more in-depth detailed explanation of what I just wrote, you can send me a private message. OK?

About the trip I made to the United Kingdom... Well.. Ok... Hmmmmm...
The answer is probably simpler that you might expect...

I am in love my wife and she is in love with me.

I'm afraid that's all there is to it!
Now, having said that, I should probably elucidate...

We are both completely secure in our marriage. I'm not sure if I know how to explain what that really means...
Ok... let's give this a try... but this is going to sound pretty goofy...

My wife is my better half and I hers... There is a connection between us that cannot be explained. I have always know in my heart that she would never, ever be unfaithful to our marriage... and she has always known the same thing about me. Infidelity is not possible in our marriage. It simply is not a part of the equation. We have BOTH had very real opportunities to cheat... Actually, there have been MANY chances for each of us to cheat. But it just doesn't occur to either of us that cheating is even a possibility. We don't WANT to. You see, it isn't a matter of trust. We don't have to "trust" each other. We just KNOW... It's a matter of knowing what is in each others hearts. There is no other way to say it. To us, the need to trust our fidelity also implies that we can also NOT trust in it as well... and that just isn't possible

Oftentimes people cheat because they feel that their emotional or physical needs are not being met at home, so they go looking elsewhere.

There is nothing lacking in our marriage, neither emotionally nor physically.

And... we like each other too... that helps.

Jealousy has never a part of our marriage.

So, when I let my wife know that I wanted to visit my friend in England, her only concern was to make sure that I'd not mucked up on anything that I needed for the trip. That's about it!

But then... my wife and I have an exceptional marriage. My wifes folks have the same kind of relationship that Julie and I do... and our daughter does as well...

In my way of thinking, jealousy is a symptom of uncertainty and insecurity... If I was going to work on jealousy, the first think I would do would be to look at the fear that creates it. Is your fear based on real experiences? Or is it based on the fear that your fears will be made real?

Those are two entirely different things...

Anyway, there it is... I hope I've answered you questions!

Take care,
Dan

IMO, his behavior, bad is it is, is not the issue here. It's your behavior and inadequate self worth that you have to work on. When you have good healthy self esteem and self worth, you will know how to set healthy boundaries and respond to offensive, inappropriate behaviors such as he exhibits. You have to be strong enough and confident enough to stand up to offensive behavior.
re: At the same time, I felt VERY CHEAP and shameful! The whole situation made me feel cheap. Like a cheap, trampy woman.
>>> There's you clue! A stupid jerk like him should not make you feel so low and cheap but you may have to get to work on your own self worth to resist those feelings/attitudes about your self. It's all about your own dignity and self confidence!
When you feel really good about your self, you will instinctively know how to deal with idiots like that guy!

Certainly it would be wonderful if those suffering from an illness could right what is wrong in time to efficiently handle the inappropriate conduct of another.

We are all certainly a "work in progress" and having folks giving us ideas on how to help ourselves and learn social norms and responses is a good place to start. The wonderful thing is that it is up to us what we decide is important and what we decide to inquire upon and what we decide to put off to the side from all the assistance we receive here from members. That's what is so great about this site......the fact that we can ask for help, get lots of different ideas, then pick and choose what relates to us the most in our journeys.

Life is a learning journey. Everyday affords us the opportunity to learn something new about ourselves and others. There is no time limit imposed on when we learn something. The important thing is to keep trying.

((((((((((( Distressed ))))))))))))) I hope you find some points here that make sense to you that you can look further into. I can tell you are trying to learn and make sense of things. I wish you well!


sabby

...very sage advice...All of it is so true, true, true... Thank you for reminding me of those things Sabby...

Thanks Jimmy,
Its not the standing up part that's so much the issue, its the recognizing WHEN and HOW to stand up.

Distressed,

I hope you are well.

I think some of the commenters have been a bit harsh on you.

This man behaved badly. Its not your fault. And not your fault not to know what to do and how to react. Lots of women would have been confused as to how to react.

Its hard to imagine that someone will act so dishonestly and with alterior motives... And when you suspect that - do you trust your insticts? Are you right? and what if you are not and you create a scene? how would you look then? and if you tell him you dont want to see him again - and then it turns out he had no bad intentions after and you shut him away.... All these things go in minds of women in similar situations. The thing is - and I think that is the most important in this case - who cares what he thinks? you are not responsible for him. you are not even responsible of what will happen if you do decide not to see him again as we never have 100% control. Shedding this responsibility - or sense of it - will help you in also in that you will not feel cheap for his cheap actions. You are your own person. Please continue therapy and share this with your therapist as it can open the door to lots of stuff I think. Just remember: YOU ARE OK! And if you feel someone may be taking advantage of you, or may be having alterior interntions or may want to use you for sex etc - you are probably right. Trust yourself. Nice good guys do not make women feel this way. I am so glad you posted here!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tatyana2009
From my experience - stay away from him. He is looking for control.

He has no right to ask you about your past. Its so personal. He is trying to seem like the good man who would rescue you when in fact he is looking for his own gratification. You do not need his assistance. You can do it!

You are welcome! Yes, the past can make shadows but I think inside you are healthy so trust yourself.
He plays a game as you say - and part of his game is to make you feel weak and on some level - not ok. So you will need him and then be dependant on him. Its a dangerous game and a hurtful one. A man who really likes you and want to be there would not ask you like this about your past - he would do everything to gain your trust and your past wont matter a thing. Good guys dont make us wonder or feel paranoid. Thats what makes them good guys

A point in fact... if a "good guy" accidentally commits a faux pas that makes the woman feel uncomfortable, HE is usually immediately embarrassed and taken aback by his mistake!!

Most "good guys" promptly try to make amends and desperately want to put the woman at ease again...

...and then they want to crawl into a dark corner and gnaw off their left arm for being so stupid...

But, what do I know about something like that??

Thankyou for calling that out! I did feel like some were harsh on the post but I wasn't sure.. still learning how to validate my feelings!

Distressed2010 ...

Stay away from this d-bag. Seriously.

Any person who considers themselves in a "committed relationship" (marriage or otherwise) and will "bend" the so called rules or the accepted parameters of their relationship in order to cheat, will do so again even if the object of their desire declines. Seriously.

Because had you done so, you would have found yourself wondering if he would do the same to you ... wife, kids, you on the side, someone else on the side in a different town. Just bad news.

Drop this guy like the plague. You deserve better.

Just my two cents of advice for you.

Take care,

vertebrae

Thanks Vertebrae but I wasn't looking to be romantically involved with this guy, it was a friendship, atleast from my side...

ugh so many married men are perverts.