[ChipmunkGal]

I don't know where else to turn.....how do you "define" verbal abuse? I'm concerned that I am in a situation like this but need feedback to find out if I'm just being too sensitive or if other people are experiencing this so I should just let it slide. My gut and heart says his words are harsh and degrading. Sometimes he apologizes later by saying "oh I didn't really mean that" and "I was just mad when I said that".....but sometimes he doesn't......and he keeps saying these things regardless. It's usually a multitude of swear words, accusations that he thinks Im cheating with coworkers, accusations that he thinks I used to sleep around before we met, name calling, insulting the way I look and the way I speak, comparing me to other women by telling me how "hot" another woman from his past was, correcting my grammar and threatening to divorce me and leave.

I feel ashamed to admit that this started prior to us getting married.....the first time I noticed it was our 2nd date. He had called me a "wh*re" and "liar" when he asked me how many men I had been intimate with and I told him the truth (which isn't that many and less than him).

Can I get your honest thoughts/opinions to help me figure this out?

[Yoda]

sounds like abuse to me


http://www.csswashtenaw.org/ada/reso...ting_wheel.pdf

[madisgram]

yup, you're on the mark about the abuse. i was verbally abused which led to physical abuse. this hubby of yours has no right to speak to u this way, imho. i'm not going to sugarcoat it cause it is what it is. abusers will identify people they instinctively know they can abuse. they are actually cowards acting like bullies. i bet he never talks to some big guy like that. it's not your fault, you have done nothing to "deserve" this treatment. however once you know you are being verbally abused is the time to tell him to stop it period. no one who loves another would talk to anyone this way.
i'm concerned for you cause the signs are already there. the things you mentioned are classic sayings of an abuser. he can only feel puffed up if he's putting you down. not acceptable!!!
i am hoping you have a therapist that you can discuss this with. you will need hands on suggestions from a professional imho to learn how to handle this. it could easily go to physical without some helpful suggestions. i urge you to seek help. the verbal abuse will eventually put you in a position where you start believing him. that is part of the statedgy to cause you to lose self.
i wish i could tell you otherwise but you are precisely right about him.

[STARLITE*1111]

ABUSE is ABUSE.
There are so many forms.
Words can be one of the most painful of all.
If they didn't mean it - It never would have been at the tip of their tongue.

It is a very big way of belittling another as a use of control.

[lynn P.]

(((ChipmunkGal))) - sorry for the short answer but this is simple - yes this is verbal and mental abuse. If he ever says he didn't mean it, that's just a cover up. This along with your other problem is a bad sign and I doubt he'll get better. Any man who calls a woman a *****, has no respect for women. I hate that word.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dear One

This cruel and ugly treatment of you is emotional abuse as well as verbal and mental abuse and you would be very wise to get him away from you. You do not deserve this treatment no matter what he says

People who speak like this to those they claim to love are very simply liars whose deliberate attacks like the ones you already experience are designed to hurt and wound deeply and to control them by convincing them over time that they are what they are told they are by the abuser

Please get him away and free your self from this dreadful torment and away from your abuser

Morgana

[AlmendraLife]

Definitions: 1.Verbal abuse - talking meanly to someone. 2.Talking meanly to someone to the point where it can be traumatizing.

[chrisjones]

I can understand what your going through. It's been se ven yr now, he been jail in four times , twice more then a week for his dumbness. Think he would stop. going right babk to verbal, emo tional'

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by BeTrueToYourself

ABUSE is ABUSE.
There are so many forms.
Words can be one of the most painful of all.
If they didn't mean it - It never would have been at the tip of their tongue.

It is a very big way of belittling another as a use of control.

AGREED.
I loathe yelling...and mostly, name-calling.
Over the years, I've tolerated both from my hub and it has done some serious psychological damage, some which is permanent.

I've realized that, beause of him and his abuse, I have ZERO tolerance for any kind of yelling. And as soon as I hear an insulting name toward me, I immediately go into shut-down mode, (I guess a protective mode). Thing about that is, I no longer seem to have much fight left in me, other than to strive to remove myself from it, (which I'm presently struggling with).

I REFUSE to resort to name-calling, especially toward someone you're "supposed to" love. And I truly believe that if it wasn't meant, it won't be mentioned...PERIOD.
So, yeah. He can apologize all he wants, telling you that he didn't mean it....but the truth remains...If he says it, then it's more likely than not, he means it.

Huggles.
Shangrala

[NuckingFutz]

The wouldn't have made it past the 2nd date with me. Long time ago maybe, but not now. The thing about recovery is that even if the other person doesn't change, we change which in turn changes everything. Let us know how this plays out.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I can't imagine being verbally abusive to someone else and expecting them to stick around but it happens.

Keep posting.

[garden]

ChipmunkGal, verbal abuse is just as you described and more. It is true, he doesn't mean it at the time he is saying it apology . . . but he really does mean it!

[Perna]

It sounds like nonsense abuse to me; you're not a ***** or any of the names he calls you, far from it! People who are so unimaginative as to swear instead of "talk" get my pity, but not if they're swearing at me and loudly; I don't want to hear it.

I would draw a line in the sand, he's crossing your boundaries all over the place. Tell him to stop, you don't need that.

[sharon123]

The book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life, mind and sanity after 31 years of verbal abuse (verbal abuse IS emotional abuse); the abuser is taking out his rage and issues on YOU......abusers rarely change ..you can protect yourself by staying away from him as much as possible, and NOT having arguments; they are like vampires and need their "supply"---There supply.....is you.....you constantly explaining yourself. They are extremely insecure and will stop at nothing to CONTROL you; the issue in all abuse....is control. I suggest reading the book (don't let him see you), and getting into therapy for yoursef (never go with the aubuser). Hugs, Sharon

[ChipmunkGal]

It's still happening. I've completely withdrawn from my friends over the past few months so I dont have anyone to turn to other than this website. I'm starting to feel slightly paranoid like everyone hates me now and thinks these awful things about me. On occassion, I will receive a random compliment from a stranger (in an elevator, store, restaurant etc.) and I feel surprised....shocked that others could see something good about me. I know this is based on the mean and vicious words that come out of his mouth daily. The hurtful words are more than just name calling.... it's constant threats to leave me (he knows this is my sensitive spot) and blatant insults about my appearance.....last night he says "I dont satisfy him" so he uses porn to get his fix (another issue) It's been 6 months straight now of this....I originally posted in October 2010 but it was going on before then. I feel so alone. I dont know what to do. I just need a friend to talk to and reassurance that it's going to be okay.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

I don't know where else to turn.....how do you "define" verbal abuse? I'm concerned that I am in a situation like this but need feedback to find out if I'm just being too sensitive or if other people are experiencing this so I should just let it slide. My gut and heart says his words are harsh and degrading. Sometimes he apologizes later by saying "oh I didn't really mean that" and "I was just mad when I said that".....but sometimes he doesn't......and he keeps saying these things regardless. It's usually a multitude of swear words, accusations that he thinks Im cheating with coworkers, accusations that he thinks I used to sleep around before we met, name calling, insulting the way I look and the way I speak, comparing me to other women by telling me how "hot" another woman from his past was, correcting my grammar and threatening to divorce me and leave.

I feel ashamed to admit that this started prior to us getting married.....the first time I noticed it was our 2nd date. He had called me a "wh*re" and "liar" when he asked me how many men I had been intimate with and I told him the truth (which isn't that many and less than him).

Can I get your honest thoughts/opinions to help me figure this out?

My honest thought is he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. This can progress to physical abuse. If you have a doctor or counselor or therapist, tell her or him what is happening and ask how to go forward in resolving this. If you are on good terms with your family, tell them, too.

[boodles]

Yes, his behavior is abusive.

Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No.../dp/0894864025 and there is a self-help group called Codependents Anonymous (are you in the USA?). The book is available everywhere, including at the library, and it's a quick and easy read. I would suggest you not let him see it. Abusive men feel threatened when their victim tries to get free of their hold. That means if he notices you trying to read up on the topic, he will get apologetic and promise not to talk to you that way anymore...you know the drill! Or, he could blow up in anger and abuse you further.

I believe someone on this message board referred this book to me. It has really helped. But you must take that first step and get some support. Please do. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

[malapp1]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

I don't know where else to turn.....how do you "define" verbal abuse? I'm concerned that I am in a situation like this but need feedback to find out if I'm just being too sensitive or if other people are experiencing this so I should just let it slide. My gut and heart says his words are harsh and degrading. Sometimes he apologizes later by saying "oh I didn't really mean that" and "I was just mad when I said that".....but sometimes he doesn't......and he keeps saying these things regardless. It's usually a multitude of swear words, accusations that he thinks Im cheating with coworkers, accusations that he thinks I used to sleep around before we met, name calling, insulting the way I look and the way I speak, comparing me to other women by telling me how "hot" another woman from his past was, correcting my grammar and threatening to divorce me and leave.

I feel ashamed to admit that this started prior to us getting married.....the first time I noticed it was our 2nd date. He had called me a "wh*re" and "liar" when he asked me how many men I had been intimate with and I told him the truth (which isn't that many and less than him).

Can I get your honest thoughts/opinions to help me figure this out?

By chance, did you take the abuse quiz on this site. I did and my fears were confirmed. Your words sound so familiar to me. Be very, very careful. Please!

[trixielou]

yes its verbal & mental abuse & only gets worse. mine said the same things & oh i was just kidding u dont know when im serious or kidding it will drive u to believe ur crazy i made him leave one time & we stayed apart for 6 months but i let him back. same old crap promised he wouldnt drink &eventually did that too & then the words & crazy crap gets 10 times worse. i made him leave again u r strong & dont deserve it & after being in it 4 so long it may take time to get out im getting a divorce dont beat urself up nothing is ur fault even though they try & make u think everything is ur fault & its true they would never talk to a big guy like that or anyone else outside the home the keep it inside the home sick crap!

[SlatkaMala]

Oh hon, yes that is abuse. My evil ex did that kind of crap to me and eventually that escalated into physical and sexual abuse. It will get worse. These types are pure evil.

[jenkins09]

Damn...calling you a ***** on the first, or was it second date? HUGE RED FLAG..this is verbal abuse...what are your plans for the relationship?