There have been problems for a while.
Actually since before we got married, which was only last April.

I have gotten to the point where i just say "ok" or "yes" so I don't have to argue with him.

he has said some very mean things to me about me being so stupid, about me being fat, about how I shouldn't be able to walk on the same earth as him....sometimes i don't think he realizes how insensitive he is. Other times i know he knows, but he just doesn't care.

i know the signs of being in an abusive relationship - he is not physically abusive but i think he is emotionally.

in the past few weeks it's gotten worse - i told him a few weeks ago if it didn't get better I would leave him. He kept talking about how he can't change what he did in the past and i just told him i want him to change how he behaves in the future.

It seemed like it was getting better. I sent him a bunch of stuff about depression and stuff for family members of people with depression to help him which I thought he read...stupid me....but he seemed like he was treating me so much better....

but of course he went back to his usual ways....no patience...saying hurtful things....when I asked him if he'd read the information he said it was too much stuff so he'd get back to it later.

Meanwhile I'm going through a huge work crisis, where i will probably quit my job, and could really use his support, to just hug me and tell me it will be ok, and he can't even manage that.

This weekend it really came to a head - i won't get into specifics because this is long already but it came down to me saying i would leave and calliing my friend hysterical.

Then when he heard me on the phone he got upset that I was saying bad things about him and said he wanted to try again - he hates seeing me cry. And that he'd even go to my therapist with me.

Now this morning he's leaving for the day....and told me he's cancelling my gym membership since i haven't been going (which has been a sore subject for us) and separating our cell phone accounts "just in case".

He says he's in a good mood and just wants to live a happy life. He misses the happy person i used to be.

i'm just so sad because I know I have to leave and it just seems so overwhelming with my job situation going on too.
my parents have no idea that we've had any problems - this is my second marriage and i feel like such a failure.

[Leed]

Hi ~ Do you have ANY idea what started these problems?? He has no right to call you names ~ I don't care WHAT the problems are -- that's just not acceptable. But if you knew where the problems started, perhaps that would be helpful.

It would be best if both of you went to marriage counseling. He needs to know that he cannot resort to name calling and verbal abuse. That's just out of bounds. If he won't go, you should go anyway. You don't need to put up with abuse. If he won't stop the abuse, then I guess you just have no other choice.

I wish you two could work out your problems, but sometimes it just can't be done. Best of luck. Hugs, Lee

[turquoisesea]

Meanwhile I'm going through a huge work crisis, where i will probably quit my job, and could really use his support, to just hug me and tell me it will be ok, and he can't even manage that.

So sorry! As a word of caution - must you quit your job - will you have a source of income if you do? I don't know anything about your situation so have to ask.

Also since he's willing to go to therapy it might not all be lost, have you considered couples therapy? That is, if you want to work on the relationship with him. It sounds like you're really fed up and if it's a truly abusive relationship, maybe it would be good for you to get out. I'm just always on the side of trying to work things out - maybe that's a bad thing! But marriage and divorce are big deals... out of curiosity did he treat you like this before the marriage, or did he change once you got married? I've heard some people change the way they act after marriage.

[mom2twins]

[QUOTE=jadedmoonbeam;1729430]

“He says he's in a good mood and just wants to live a happy life. He misses the happy person i used to be.”

It seems like your focus in really all on him. You mention the HE misses the person you "used to be". Who was that person? Sometimes we get so wrapped up in "making it work", that we don't take the time to just sit back, clear our heads and remember how we felt in the beginning. Ask him without anger or judgment what he "misses" specifically and then take the time to ask yourself if YOU miss that too.

In marriage there really is no black and white. There are many gray areas. Meet him in the middle without "You" statements and keep the focus off of him.

Give it whirl - it's worth a try. YOU are worth it.

Lee - there have always been some problems - they have gotten progressively worse as my depression has gotten worse. He met a happy, fun loving woman. Now I am depressed and sad - he "knew" i am bipolar but hadn't seen it till now although I may have been veryhypo manic when I got engaged to him a month after we met. It's not sinking in about it being an illness to him. He said he would go to my therapist with me - I just want him to understand more about depression and how what he says hurts...he doesn't get it when i say it - I want him to hear it from a 3rd party - and have her suggest marriage.

Turquoisesea - I'm very torn on quitting my job - my boss is most definitely abusive - I have money in savings that I can fall back on in a worst case scenario - I've been having panic attacks at work since December - if I can get unemployment it would be preferable but I'm calling out tomorrow for sure and will talk to my Pdoc about going on short term disability for now.

mom2twins
you definitely hit the nail on the head - my husband is an only child and it's always all about him - and he is a very Black and White kind of guy.
We were so happy in the beginning, which wasn't even that long ago.
I wish I could be happy. It's so hard being depressed - it's like I'm watching from outside my body wishing i could change things. If i could get the job thing in order, then i could work on the marriage - it's just too much at once.

Thank you all for your insight.

[mgran]

Please don't feel like a failure. I can't give you any advice, but I just want you to know that you're not a failure. (((hug)))

Just when I thought things were starting to maybe be ok -I quit my job - finished yesterday and he was going to come to therapy with me today AND I have a phone interview this afternoon.

Well now HE is in a bad mood because my appointment and interview are too close together and he can't really go to school to study for a while....he says it like he's punishing me....
You know, since we'll be in X town, we are going to the college so i can sit in the math lab".
and I say i have to be home by a certain time to have my phone interview, and i have them calling on the land line so it will sound better than my cell phone.
so he gets mad and throws his book on the floor...and says he doesn't understand why everything has to be so difficult. i told him we could take 2 cars....
His coming to the therapist was supposed to be about helping our relationship, so he can understand me better and my illness and to talk about going for marriage counseling that we desparately need, and this 42 year old man is having an Effing temper tantrum.
he actually said "I'm in a bad mood now"
and i said I knew that and walked out of the room.

Now i don't even want him to come with me -but I know he should -I just hope he doesn't embarass me.

Hope it works out for the better, jadedmoonbeam.

[ChipmunkGal]

Jaded - Im sorry this is happening to you...he sounds EXACTLY like my husband. <<<hugs>> Im going to email you privately about this.

[pgrundy]

I"m so sorry you are going through this.

At the risk of being bumming you out, I have to say, seriously, that if I were you I would consult an attorney ASAP. Do NOT tell him you are doing this. Most attorneys will consult the first time for free, give you an idea of what you may be in for, and quote a fee if you have to hire them.

The reason I say this is, I've been there. While you are 'working on the relationship' and he is pretending to work on it (it sounds like he's being pretty abusive emotionally and if he's already throwing books around and having tantrums it will get worse, not better), he is also taking concrete financial steps to separate his affairs from yours--canceling your gym membership, separating the cell phones, etc. This is a major red flag.

He's likely been through this many times before, and abusive men rarely change. Why? Because it works for them! They just leave and find someone else who will take it, which isn't that hard, sadly. Don't let him clean you out when and if he goes.

If you leave him by moving out first, there can be major financial and legal consequences if you end up divorcing. Please at least get some good legal and financial info from a competent divorce attorney and protect yourself.

I hope it works out, but if it doesn't, you have to start thinking of you, not him, and the sooner the better. Good luck!

Originally Posted by pgrundy

I"m so sorry you are going through this.

At the risk of being bumming you out, I have to say, seriously, that if I were you I would consult an attorney ASAP. Do NOT tell him you are doing this. Most attorneys will consult the first time for free, give you an idea of what you may be in for, and quote a fee if you have to hire them.

The reason I say this is, I've been there. While you are 'working on the relationship' and he is pretending to work on it (it sounds like he's being pretty abusive emotionally and if he's already throwing books around and having tantrums it will get worse, not better), he is also taking concrete financial steps to separate his affairs from yours--canceling your gym membership, separating the cell phones, etc. This is a major red flag.

He's likely been through this many times before, and abusive men rarely change. Why? Because it works for them! They just leave and find someone else who will take it, which isn't that hard, sadly. Don't let him clean you out when and if he goes.

If you leave him by moving out first, there can be major financial and legal consequences if you end up divorcing. Please at least get some good legal and financial info from a competent divorce attorney and protect yourself.

I hope it works out, but if it doesn't, you have to start thinking of you, not him, and the sooner the better. Good luck!

The therapy session was interesting. He was basically saying that he can't deal with being sensitive and kept asking why i was crying. And he kept mentioning that he is a " cut and run" kind of guy. He told her that I am a sweet kind woman but not once did he say he loves me and when I asked him flat out if he wants to stay married to me he said I don't know. He got really mad when i compared him to my abusive ex and said even though he doesn't hit me he mentally abuses me. I don't think he'll go to marriage counseling with me.

pgrundy, I'm already prepared with a budget - we have only one small account of wedding gifts together and everything else is separate - I didn't even change my name. If I needed to leave I could pretty quickly and have money to support myself for a good while.

i will go see a lawyer though - i need to know my rights for sure. the problem is that his mom worked for a prominent attorney in our town for the last 40 years so everyone knows him.

My therapist said we should just try to enjoy some time together right now - so i will do my best.

[pgrundy]

Good luck to you! Life can be so hard sometimes. But it sounds like you've got more of a handle on it than most people in that situation!

[ronamae00]

pgrundy, very good advice!