[amber1011]

Hey all,

I've been having a lot of issues in my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years (married 7 months). Our problems aren't new, but they seem to be escalating. I have BPD (self-diagnosed) and my emotional stability is nonexistant (aka extreme changes from loving to hating), and I also have a difficulty controlling my rage. When we get into arguments its like WWII, and sometimes evovles to small physical scuffs.

The problem is my husband has mild Asperger's Disorder, and has a very hard time relating with me. You see the problem. I am at a very low point emotionally because of events that have happened, and I feel alone. I know a lot of our problems are my fault, and once we get into an argument, I have a hard time controlling myself (and I feel terrible afterward).

However, I feel like the blame is ALWAYS put on me because of it, when my husband does do hurtful things. He doesn't even realize when he hurts my feelings sometimes, and when I point it out when he does it, doesn't seem to understand why it hurts me.

For example, I am on my way to receiving gastric bypass surgery, and a commercial for it comes on TV. My husband will look at it and say things like "oh look thats YOU". It may not seem like much, but he's always bringing up my weight when I'm already subconscious of it, and don't want to think about it 100% of my life when we're doing other things. If I ask him to do something for me, he'll mumble and say something mean. I always tell him that if he doesn't want to do something, it would hurt my feelings less if he just wouldn't do it, instead of doing it and insulting me (then expect me to say thank you?). To defend him, it can be hard to say no to me, because I can get upset when he refuses to help. I know its easy to hurt my feelings, but is getting upset at those things that he does rational?

I love my husband. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. Yet, sometimes I just don't know how we put up with eachother. :/'

Also, those with BPD - how have you learned to control the black and white mentality and the rage?

[lotusflames]

firstly, self diagnosing is a very slipperly slope! If you honestly feel that you have bpd then i urge you to see a dr who can tell you one way or the other and you can begin to receive any treatment that you require.

secondly, i've been married 6 years this year and you know what, it's hard! Especially when I'm ill. My hubby has no medical issues and he struggles to cope with me (BPD and bipolar and anxiety all diagnosed). So I cant begin to understand how you guys cope with him having aspergers. it cant be easy.

you need to take the time to learn to understand and relate to each other. otherwise things wont work. marriage takes work no matter what else is going on.

I dont think I have learnt to deal with the black and white. i still dont understand how people can see things in shades of grey cos i just cant.

[amber1011]

I'm a senior Psych Major. The first time I ever saw BPD explained to me, I knew. It was an outline for my life as long as I can remember. I've read many books on it as well, and I know I have BPD. There's not an ounce of doubt in my mind.

I know what you mean by just not being able to see shades of grey. If someone does something bad, people will say "oh well I did this good thing for you too remember?"
All I can think is that why does doing something nice some other time excuse you for doing what you just did? I don't get it at all.

My husband and I talk about it all the time, but when we get in arguments it seems that every discussion and rational thought is out the window.

I know I need help for this, but I don't know where to start. Also, I'm afraid that if I bring up my psychological issues to my doctor I wont pass the psych eval to get my gastric bypass, which is the most important thing to me (and I know what I'm getting myself into) to be able to live my life. I'm at a loss for what to do

[lotusflames]

being a psych major doesn't mean you can diagnose yourself! lots of people have bpd traits and honestly, i wouldn't WISH BPD on myself if i could have a choice about it.

it's a bpd thing about not being able to keep rational thoughts when you have a fight. or it is for me anyway. it's all about what you do when you calm down. do you apologise? Does he? Are you then able to talk about what you were just fighting about?

[amber1011]

I know my credentials doesn't give me a "right" to diagnose, but I'm just trying to make you see that although I'm not officially diagnosed, the fact that I have this disorder is so clear cut. I have 8/9 of the DSM IV-TR diagnostic criterias (and they are in a way that impairs functioning, not in the "normal" range) when only 5 of them leads to a diagnosis.

Its easier for him to talk about it once its happened, but he still can't relate. Personally, I feel like I have the internal dialogue, but I can't bring myself to say things out loud. I don't know if "afraid" is the right word for it. I feel like its self-incrimination if I tell him it was my fault (even if it was, and I know it was). This sounds terrible, but I feel like, if he hasn't figured out it was my fault yet, why should I "hurt" myself and let him know - because then he has more reason to hate ME. I know it doesn't help us communicate thinking that way, but its the truth. I just can't seem to open my mouth and say things that I probably should.

[Martina]

Get an appointment with a therapist that does DBT for AFTER your gastric bypass, so they don't worry about the psych eval. You can not treat yourself for this, no matter how well you are doing as a psych major.

But that said.....I have the same problems. I'm Borderline, and Bipolar (diagnosed in 2008) but I don't really get the anger and rage like some Borderlines, yet I do definitely have the black/white thinking, fear of abandonment, self-destructive behaviors...etc.

Whenever I screw up, I actually am the one to blame it on my illness. Like it's a cop-out. Like, well, I didn't really do it, my messed-up brain did it. Of course this annoys my husband. He's fed up with my spending and obsession about losing weight while I binge out of control.

Yet all too often, he doesn't admit to his own mistakes. It's like I'm the only one doing anything wrong in the marriage, because I'm the crazy one. He has no sex drive, and refuses to figure out or tell me why. Yes, it is a big deal. Maybe it shouldn't be. It would be one thing if I knew that he was actually incapable of it, but to wonder for 9 out of 11 years why he doesn't want me sure does wonders for my self-esteem. A big source of my depression is feeling unwanted and unloved.

The other day I tried to kiss him, and he pulled away. Gave me some lame excuse why I wouldn't want to kiss him. I said "why do I have to work so hard to get a kiss?" Then later that evening, he dropped a Hershey's chocolate kiss on the floor, and I reached for it. He blocked my way so I couldn't get it, and I said again "why do I have to work so hard to get a kiss?" He just laughed. He thinks it's a joke.

I know I'm crazy, but I still need him to express his love for me. Just because I've made a lot of mistakes doesn't give him the right to pretend he's done nothing wrong.

[amber1011]

Originally Posted by Martina

Get an appointment with a therapist that does DBT for AFTER your gastric bypass, so they don't worry about the psych eval. You can not treat yourself for this, no matter how well you are doing as a psych major.

But that said.....I have the same problems. I'm Borderline, and Bipolar (diagnosed in 2008) but I don't really get the anger and rage like some Borderlines, yet I do definitely have the black/white thinking, fear of abandonment, self-destructive behaviors...etc.

Whenever I screw up, I actually am the one to blame it on my illness. Like it's a cop-out. Like, well, I didn't really do it, my messed-up brain did it. Of course this annoys my husband. He's fed up with my spending and obsession about losing weight while I binge out of control.

Yet all too often, he doesn't admit to his own mistakes. It's like I'm the only one doing anything wrong in the marriage, because I'm the crazy one. He has no sex drive, and refuses to figure out or tell me why. Yes, it is a big deal. Maybe it shouldn't be. It would be one thing if I knew that he was actually incapable of it, but to wonder for 9 out of 11 years why he doesn't want me sure does wonders for my self-esteem. A big source of my depression is feeling unwanted and unloved.

The other day I tried to kiss him, and he pulled away. Gave me some lame excuse why I wouldn't want to kiss him. I said "why do I have to work so hard to get a kiss?" Then later that evening, he dropped a Hershey's chocolate kiss on the floor, and I reached for it. He blocked my way so I couldn't get it, and I said again "why do I have to work so hard to get a kiss?" He just laughed. He thinks it's a joke.

I know I'm crazy, but I still need him to express his love for me. Just because I've made a lot of mistakes doesn't give him the right to pretend he's done nothing wrong.

I know how you feel! It seriously feels sometimes like he's not attracted to me anymore most of the time. Also, its like since I have this problem its ALWAYS my fault. Sometimes after the argument he'll finally realize he did something wrong, but then he starts beating himself up over it, and then I still feel terrible, and guilty. There's never a rational medium.

[amber1011]

Because I don't think I specificlly mentioned it:
This topic was started because of a fight that happened last night. I don't even remember what started it (maybe because I asked him to do something), but when we get started, EVERYTHING comes back up. It ended with screaming at eachother at 3am, mild physical conflict, and sleeping in separate rooms.

[lotusflames]

ahh how many tyimes have i said

"every time we fight you always make it so that it's ALWAYS me that's in the wrong"

i bring things up from 8 years ago when we fight. i cant stop it