[LittleForgetMeNot]

My mom wants to bring her boyfriend to my birthday dinner in three weeks and I dislike him greatly. He has been extremely pushy about my relationship with my mom, treats me like I'm an idiot, and for many other reasons I just don't like him. My father doesn't like him either and I simply do not wish to spend an evening with him.

I told my mother I don't want him to be there, but she told me not to be "like that" and said she needed him to pay for her. I don't know how to explain to her how much I don't want this.. When she said he was going I felt like someone had started choking me and I wanted to cry.

I know it doesn't seem like such a big deal, but this dinner is for both my father and I (our birthdays are next to each other) and I cannot imagine how horrible and awkward it would be if we had this unwanted guest sitting at our table. I don't want him to be there at all, but how my mother acted it was if he was going to whether I wanted it or not. I thought about cancelling it all together, I thought about telling her not to come.. A birthday is supposed to be special, supposed to be enjoyed.. But it seems as though I have no choice.. and this year once again, I'll be spending it miserable.

[sabby]

Boy, that is a rotten situation to be in. I'm so sorry that your mom is dependent on him for money and seems to have no consideration for your feelings or your fathers for that matter.

Do your mom and dad talk at all? Can your dad tell her that her b/f is not welcome? You have every right to exclude them both from the party if she is not willing to come alone. Blended families do not always blend.....it's unfortunate but the way it is sometimes.

Is it possible to come up with the money for your mom to attend so she can leave her b/f home? Why would someone want to horn in on something when they know they are not welcome? That just doesn't make sense to me unless they are trying to make a point at any cost and at your expense (emotionally).

I do hope you can find a way through all this.

Take good care!

[missbelle]

I was once your mom. I disregarded my childrens wants in favor of the boyfriend some time. I was very wrong.Do what you need to do. Moms boyfriend has no place at the party especially if you do not like him. You certainly have my total support because now after a lot of years have gone by, I totally know I was wrong.!!!!!!Let me know what you decide!!!
Thinking of you and I am sorry mom has not grown up emotionally enough to see that you have wants and needs and that you indeed are very special.You have a right to decide what is best for you!!!!!

[SmackytheFrog]

Whatever you decide, I sincerely hope you and your father enjoy your birthday celebrations.

I see no problem with excluding them both if your mother refuses to come sans-boyfriend. Eventually your mom will have to realize that you are grown up and have every right to decide who you choose to embrace with your wonderful company and who you choose to omit the pleasure.

[ladyjrnlist]

Would you leave your significant other at home if your mom didn't want them at a dinner? How would it make you feel to be asked to do that?

On the other hand, it is a family gathering, and a b/f is not quite family.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I understand that in ways it isn't quite "fair" but the birthday dinner I mean is literally just myself, my father, and my brother usually. It's not a party and I don't get any presents and I don't invite anyone. Even my aunt who lives with them isn't coming.

I don't know how to explain this without sounding like a spoiled child who isn't getting her way. I could put up with it if my whole family was coming but they aren't. I could put up with it if they wanted to take me out on their own time, but that's not the case. It's a quiet celebration between my father and I where we do one expensive thing together out of the year and relax and enjoy ourselves. I won't relax if he's there, and my father who deserves this day more than I, is just simply going to dread the evening if her boyfriend comes. Their relationship sucks, because boyfriend has accused my Dad of not letting me see my mother when it's always been my decision, and "brainwashing" me into disliking her or other nonsense such as that.

[madisgram]

imho if your mother cannot respect your feelings re the party i'd throw down the gauntlet by telling her you do not want her bf there. i'd tell her if that is the plan that you don't want her there either. this is your special day and your dad's. this ultimately is dad's and your choice. so if those are her terms for coming then tell her she cannot come unless she's alone. she is not taking in consideration your feelings. shame on her!
btw, you owe her no other explanation re your decision.

[sabby]

I guess I'm not sure what the story is here. Did your mom and her b/f invite themselves to this dinner? If so, then you all have no obligation to include them whatsoever.

Why not offer to have dinner with mom and her b/f on another night? I can't see how all of them getting together with you and your dad would be an enjoyable time for anyone really.

Good Luck!

[John25]

I don’t think it is relevant if your father likes your mom’s boyfriend or not (as you mentioned in your first post). Your father is entitled to any opinion about her boyfriend, but it won’t change the fact that it is HER boyfriend.

Perhaps you could try to be creative or flexible and find some other ways to enjoy the birthdays of your father and yourself? Sabby had a nice suggestion, and I am sure you can find other ways to celebrate these birthdays in an enjoyable way.

Hello, LittleForgetMeNot. My thought is to cancel the non-party. I cannot imagine how it benefits anyone to sit with those you do not want to be with just to satisfy someone's sense of propriety. You and your father then would be free to celebrate your birthdays as you wish.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by sabby

I guess I'm not sure what the story is here. Did your mom and her b/f invite themselves to this dinner? If so, then you all have no obligation to include them whatsoever.

Why not offer to have dinner with mom and her b/f on another night? I can't see how all of them getting together with you and your dad would be an enjoyable time for anyone really.

Good Luck!

Well, I told my mother about it to be nice to her, well actually I can't remember telling her about it but I must've. In previous years she came on her own, so I didn't see the harm. She's invited her boyfriend on her own, only phoned and said "we're both coming". Which was where all this came in. She didn't ask, or suggest, she just said he was coming and that was that.

I don't want to cancel the dinner, as we only get to go to this restaurant once a year since it's somewhat expensive. I'll try to suggest another day, however she has already expressed how important seeing me on my actual birthdate is to her (which isn't really something I get to be honest) so I don't know how effective that'll be.

[marjan]

You have all rights to tell your mom to not bring the boyfriend.....and if she's not happy with that, then she shouldn't show up either!

If I were you, I would be so pissed and I would say something nasty to the boyfriend.....but thank god You are not me....hehehe....you sound such a good person and very considerate who gives so much thought to this....

happy birthday sweetie
marjan

I feel like your mother is being very disrespectful to your wishes. It took me a long time to be able to say something like that to my mother so i wish you luck with this situation and i hope you are able to have a wonderful birthday!

[LittleForgetMeNot]

It's the day of and only 3 hours until I leave for the restaurant. My Aunt and my Uncle and my two younger cousins are coming, and my Mom has once again sent me a message saying that her boyfriend has to come. She had asked me where it was, what time it was going to be, because she was getting a ride. I told her thinking my Aunt was the one who was going to pick her up. Now after she has her information she's saying her boyfriend wants to come, her boyfriend is going to drop her off, and he wants to stay. I hate this, I feel tricked and quite stupid. If he shows up I don't know what I'll do and I have this horrible feeling inside that he's going to..

[sabby]

Oh dear....I'm so sorry to hear about this hon. I'll bet you feel like you've been blindsided once again....and truly it does seem that way.

At this point, probably the best thing you can do is to sit at the other end of the table from your mom and her bf and ignore them (or at least ignore him). Try to concentrate on your dad and other members of your party during your meal time.

Maybe at some point someone can talk to your mom and/or her bf and let them know that from now on, he is not welcome where you are concerned.

This situation reminds me of an old saying - "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer". You always want to know what's going on with him so that you can make good choices for yourself or at the very least talk with someone who can help you talk to your mom about any issues involving him.

I do hope you have a wonderful birthday dinner with your dad and other family members. Remember, you can choose how you will react to things during this time and don't give them the power over you to make you miserable tonight.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

This was what happened. He did come and as you said I completely ignored the both of them. There wasn't even as second of eye contact and I enjoyed myself plenty pretending they weren't there.

[salukigirl]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Know you're not alone though!

On my 18th birthday I begged my dad not to bring his new girlfriend (My birthday is in August and I had found out in April that he had been cheating on my step-mom with this woman). He had been telling me for years that if I still wanted a tattoo at 18 he would get it for me. I told him all I wanted for my birthday was to go get my tattoo with him and go to lunch with him. Maybe go to the mall or a movie or something.

So what does he do....shows up with his girlfriend. They ended up leaving together and I never had lunch with him or anything. It might have been the worst birthday of my life. Not to mention the rest of the day was spent crying.

I'm sorry you have this going on. You were the bigger person and that's something you can be proud of.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

It was mostly my Dad. He told me not to get worked up over it (when I get worked up I start crying and I suppose he noticed I was about to) and just to ignore them. He said if they tried to bother me about it and ruin my birthday then we'd have my aunts as witnesses and she couldn't say that it was my fault. This helped me feel better and was probably the only reason why I gave up and let him come.

[sabby]

I think you should be proud of yourself for getting through the dinner and still being able to have fun and enjoy yourself. Good for you! I'm glad your dad was able to help you too