[purple_fins]

He says I don't participate enough in his career decisions... I've often advised to my best ability... but he often disregards what I've even said....if his idea back fires on him then he once again says I don't participate enough and that I NEED to be there for him...... argh!!!
I do advise but then he ignores it if it doesn't agree with his view, yet he wants me to keep advising....... ??........

this was our conversation, as I'm saying "I would participate, but in the past I've not been acknowledged"-- he says--"what is it with you women?"..... well-- that got me right off the chair and out the door.... he so KNOWS I HATE gender generalizations, especially if it is a negative generalization..... Why would someone give such a low blow??
I so don't understand what happened.... argh......

I'm close to loosing my grip.....

fins

[purple_fins]

he's wanting me to help advise him of a big career step but I'm reluctant as, like I've said.... he won't pay much notice if it's not on the track that he is thinking on....... so I've not been so engaged lately..... and he's pressuring me to once again -- step up to the plate.... but.... I don't feel so inclined to do so anymore.....
does that seem selfish of me?
I'm just so so tired of so much......(this is just a fraction of things we're dealing with.... ugh...)

[black sheep]

Some men are from Mars and some I think are from Pluto. LOL
It`s funny how you get in a fight with a boyfriend, you wait 4 days and call. Since he doesn`t answer you don`t try anymore and he calls you back a week later. If it`s vice versa, he`ll call you 5 times in 8 minutes. And guess what? You are nagging him. Not all men are that way, but some are. My ex would sit down and ask me if it was okay if he went out with his friends, whether cards or to get a drink. If I said no, I`d make him mad and he`d go because he was mad. If I said okay, he`d go. Last time he asked, I told him it didn`t matter what I said he was going to go anyway, so he could do whatever he wanted to do. He didn`t go.
I think if he asked me what my opnion

[lynn P.]

Sorry you're frustrated ((fins)) - could it be he's looking for someone to bounce ideas off of. You could discuss what the pros and cons are for each option. Maybe he doesn't take it because he just wants to hear you're interested or he already has an idea but feels insecure IDK. Find out, is he looking to really opinions or does he just want you to listen to him sound out the options. Hope it gets better.

[black sheep]

Some men are from Mars and some I think are from Pluto. LOL
It`s funny how you get in a fight with a boyfriend, you wait 4 days and call. Since he doesn`t answer you don`t try anymore and he calls you back a week later. If it`s vice versa and you don`t answer, he`ll call you 5 times in 8 minutes. And guess what? You are nagging him. Not all men are that way, but some are. My ex would sit down and ask me if it was okay if he went out with his friends, whether to play cards or get a drink. If I said no, I`d make him mad and he`d go because he was mad. If I said okay, he`d go. Last time he asked, I told him it didn`t matter what I said he was going to go anyway, so he could do whatever he wanted to do. He didn`t go.
I think if he asked me what my opnion was, I`d ask him to sit down and for him to tell you exactly what kind of advice he wants you to give. Most of the time, it`s catch 22, I answered I don`t know about 99% of the time.

Hello, purple_fins. It is not being selfish to not participate in a no win situation. Providing what you believe to be the pluses and minuses is all that may be expected of you.

He needs to understand you want to step up and help, but not if he is going to denigrate you for your input.

I wish you well in getting this sorted, fins.

[madisgram]

fins, it's his career not yours. why not give him your list of pros and cons to his question? i'd ask him to let you think about it and then bring it back up after u do the list.
imo, he's looking for someone to either blame or denigrate.

[purple_fins]

Thank you all for your replies, you've given me some things to
think about.
I'm sorry I'm short on time today. (feels like I've been moving in slow motion lately-- not getting things done that NEED to get done... blah)

I will answer your replies soon.

ever grateful,
fins

[purple_fins]

Lynn P.- Thank you. It's not only him wanting to bounce ideas off of me, it's him wanting to not have to take ALL the responsibility. After reading replies here and reviewing our past-- I see that he's frequently wanting me to tell him what to do so he won't have to make a mistake. He has much trouble getting along with others, has lost many a work-partner due to miscommunication usually.

Black Sheep-Thank you. Relationships can sure be confusing. If I answered "I don't know" to my partner he'd be very angry. He wants a thoughtful answer- one that I've taken much time to figure out pros and cons. I've been his confidant for years and years... have tried so hard to make things right, pay attention to him, be there whenever he needed a shoulder-- but it's not been reciprocal and I SEE that now..... (feel dumb, I'm so slow in seeing it) I think I'm getting tired of things being one sided. *sigh*......

[purple_fins]

TheByzantine- Thank you. Yes! a no win situation, that's how it feels. and also I'd like a "thank you for your input" when I take the time to listen and respond in the best way I can to be helpful. It's VERY triggering for me to be ignored.... it feels unsafe. I would never say what he should do UNLESS he asks me-- he always asks me-- but then it's like I wasn't even there helping him...
it's confusing to me....
scary and sad.

like his drinking.... I've asked him, pleaded with him, left and slept in a motel-- but after a couple days, it's like I never said a thing or did a thing as he staggers around in the evening. I so so hate this and my life.....

madisgram- thank you. I like your idea of a "list" of pros and cons. That way I have it in writing that I've helped him-- he seems to forget all the times I've helped and consoled and defended and listened......

Any responsibility seems to make him very anxious, such that he can't make decisions without someone else's input. I work part-time and have worked full time in the past, I've always contributed to the income and do the housework and raised our kids as H has been a workaholic.(he even lived 400 miles away for 15 months at one time and also traveled around with a band at another time, for a year-- each time I've dropped to deep depression as my pleading and requests are ignored-- now it's his drinking)
T. says I've been his "mother" for way too long .....
I never meant to be his "mother", feel I really messed things up...... thought it was being nice by putting others needs before my own..... didn't think I'd be in the state I'm in now.....

why didn't nice deeds get rewarded???

do nice guys really finish last??

[Open Eyes]

Ok, I see, you are dealing with an alcoholic. Wow, you have been a mother and he is pushing all the buttons to make you be just that. I know exactly what that is, been there, done that. My last therapist was a recovering alcoholic/addict and I began to do it with him, unknowingly. Thankfully he admitted it to me and even stated that he was behind on his maturity level. I still have a hard time believing it and he did make mistakes with me. And to be honest, that is going to be one of my questions before I sit across from a therapist again. Unfortunately I have truely had such awful luck with therapists, just adding to my PTSD. I am actually extremely upset about it to be honest with you. No way to live and learn.

Alcoholics are way behind in their maturity. So, what you have to truely realize is that whenever he started drinking, that is his true maturity level. It took me years to so called raise my husband and/or wait for him to grow up. It was awful, just so overwhelming. And I have been working on his dry drunk ways of treating me, oh thanks to madisgram I have been working on that. But wow, it was so constant that just after being around him, I was exhausted. Some of the things you talk about ARE this behavior pattern. ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU DEPRESSED AND FEEL CRAZY. And your right, it is a tornado and you cant get in the way either.

His behavior is exactly the way a teenager would be asking but not wanting a real opinion and almost asking just so if it doesn't work out he can blame you. There is no real way to talk to an alcoholic, no real reasoning you know. No wonder why you are exhausted.

You need to get to an al-anon meeting for some sanity purple. Be around others that are or have been in the same boat just so you understand you are not alone.
You are just being pushed too far purple, just not fair to you.

Dealing with alcoholics is HELL. It just is and I know, I have been there.

Open Eyes