When does it stop?

An email to my T after my appt today: I am beyond frustrated at my lack of answers at todays appt as I am sure you are done hearing me talk about this. Perhaps I need to call it quits on my marriage. Maybe C really does repulse me??? And I"m afraid to admit it. What does that then make me? An evil ***** I'm afraid. I do love him - but do I really know what healthy love is?
I oscilate sp? In a matter of moments: "stupid geez of course you love him!" To " how come you don’t want to have sex with him? if you do realy love him. Isn't that what people do in a healthy relationship? I feel like a horrible human being right now who is thinking about dumping the nice guy who has been the best thing ever for me. Then to discover at a later date how foolish I really am. I want off this ride NOW!!!!!!!!!

This is the first time I saw your post.

I know it can feel like people are tired of hearing things.

I am working on "relationship" issues now and came across this.

I am glad you are sharing about this.

Therapy and dealing with emotional stuff can be frustrating and painful for us and when someone seems to feel repulsed by it, it can be even harder, I know.

I wish I had the right words.

feel for you,

Billi

Oh geez, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I wish I could remember your whole story.

So your visit with your therapist didn't go well today, or do you not want to talk about it with your T, or is sounds like it is both.

I can understand the feeling of guilt in having a difficult time sharing with your husband. You say you love him but you dont know what a healthy relationship is. I know you said love but it is a relationship and that means sharing thoughts and feelings with each other. It would be very hard for him if you just up and said you wanted a divorce without letting him know how you do love him but you struggle.
A healthy love is one that is understanding and accepting of the other person.
Love is not all about sex and as men age they often dont remarry if they cannot have sex because they too feel inadequate. But that is not what a healthy love is. If only they knew that most women just enjoy being loved and having a true companion.

In fact some people have great sex and nothing else to base the relationship on.
So that is not a healthy love either. It runs much deeper than that.

Have you talked to your T about sharing your feelings with your husband?
I dont think it has anything to do with not loving him, you are just having a very hard time with the intimacy of marriage, and even with intamacy period.

This is not unusual for someone who has been abused at one time. And I think that is in your past if my memory serves me correctly. And if so, it does leave scars, deep ones that are very hard to overcome. And it is not fair to your husband or you to pretend. Because if you do that you are not enjoying his act of love and he wont understand if he doesn't know about it. If he loves you he wants to make love to you, he isn't taking from you as perhaps was done in your past. And that is what you don't know how to do. And no it isn't easy.

I think that what you feel is that being intimate is a job or you are just an object and because you think of it that way you dont accept it or even enjoy it at all. But you have probably been afraid to say it as you feel it is just so hard that your husband wont understand.

But before you make up your mind, you need to talk about it. This man is good to you and I am sure he tries. Have you talked to him? Does he even know your history? Healthy love is a lot more than sex.

Just a thought,

Open Eyes

Thank you ((Open Eyes)) My T said today what you just posted about how I view the intimacy part of my relationship (viewing it as a bad thing). Yes I was SA as a child and for me that first feeling of physical contact was mixed with feeling dirty etc... I'm working on seperating my mind from that.

In my appt we also talked about me talking to my husband about some of this (he already knows about my SA) and me taking more control in addition to working on spending more time together etc...

I think if my marriage where stronger some of these doubts and problems wouldn't be there. The problems usualy aren't there in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. Every marriage goes through seasons and I guess I'm going through a tough one now.

Thanks for posting!

I am very glad you discussed it with your T. Any relationship has fears especially after that honeymoon stage. But this is very common and there are definitely moments of fear that a partner may just decide to give up the relationship. But this is why it is very important to build on the moments that do not involve intimacy.
Because those are the moments that will eventually allow intimacy to be changed.

I think that one of the things that would be helpful for your relationship is to have a discussion with your husband about making efforts to take time out to cuddle and get closer (without) the end result becoming a sexual event. Because if you can start a safe nonsexual intmate process it will serve not only as a safe place for both of you to show affection with no activities that may feel you are just doing or being invaded. It would just be a safe way of companionship and getting closer in a safe way for you, encouraging both of you to feel safe in just showing care and affection.

So what that would mean it that you both could agree on spending an evening together and being together as a couple and friends. Having a nice dinner and maybe a movie holding hands and allowing to be close in a safe way for you. That is one part that is missing for you and that feeling of being pressured to do something that you are NOT comfortable with is what is hard on you. So you have to find that way of appreciating each other without that feeling of this means this and if this doesn't happen I cant enjoy love. Love is not just this Geez, and that is what the two of you need to build on, that is what really lasts Geez, that is what healthy love is.

That would be a starting point for you that I really feel would be benificial. And many women will say that they wish there was a lot more cuddling without that goal. If older men just realized this they could continue to enjoy a partnership without feeling inadaquate as that is actually the most important part of the process to the woman.

Most men decline in their ability to perform sexually and they feel so inadaquate. They often don't truely realize that perhaps they were inadaqate before and just didn't realize it. It is the cuddling that women enjoy the most.

But for you it would be so theraputic to free you up to showing affection without having any strings attached and it would bring you closer and bond you as a couple better. Try talking to your husband about that, perhaps just having cuddle nights.

Open Eyes

Many hugs Open Eyes! You sound like my T! It's a conversation I will be having with my husband tonight :-) We've had a cooling off of sorts so he's approachable

Your welcome. I was just remembering what you said, that you loved him and he was the best thing that ever happened to you. And I do hope that you will include that in your conversation with him so that he does know you love him and you would like to set a goal of understanding (together) what a healthy love is. And that is going to take time.

Finding a good partner is so hard Gee and I would hate to see you deny yourself of that because of something that happened to you in your past, that was unfair to you. I would like to see you get beyond that and enjoy your life and allow yourself to love someone and visa versa. And a healthy love? well that means understanding a partner and what boundaries that partner may have or need and working on it.

Open Eyes